Newcomer

[sarahhealing]

Hello!

I'm not sure where to start with my first post, other than to provide some background information. I've been going to therapy for several years and have also worked a 12-step program and have started another one recently. Over the years of my therapy, I've worked hard to overcome the painful issues with my mother, who hasn't been clinically diagnosed as BPD. From reading all of the descriptions and talking with my therapist, I'm sure she definitely has some kind of personality disorder, probably BPD. I've struggled with codependency in the relationship and trying to 'teach' or 'fix' her and the way she leads her life. After several years, I've been able to accept that she's not going to change or provide me with the needs I had as a child. Our relationship has been strained, and sometimes I find that distance from her is the only thing that helps. I've recently uncovered a lot of anger and pain I have towards her, especially related to things she's said to my father, my sister, and me in the past. I'm exploring my ideas of forgiveness,but I find I'm still not ready to forgive her, especially when she continues the types of behaviors that make me feel crazy. I find myself unconsciously hoping she'll someday be the mother I need, even though it's like repeatedly going to a dry well.

In addition, I've undergone a tremendous amount of change in the past year. I finished my Master's degree, lost my father to cancer, moved to South Korea, got a new job, got married, and have started trying to work on relationships with my inlaws. I'm an adoptee from South Korea, but I've grown up in the US since I was 5 months old. I spent two years in Korea prior to meeting him and then returned home to the US. I met my husband in the US. He's Korean, so I'm back again.

 One of the main reasons I'm coming to the board is that I lost of a lot of my main support networks and meetings when I made the decision to move AND after about 7 months of getting to know my inlaws, I'm fairly sure my sister-in-law has a personality disorder, probably also BPD. She's more outwardly aggressive compared to my mom's attacks. My mom directed her more aggressive speech at my sister, and I mostly got guilt-trips. A lot of my sister-in-law's behaviors trigger me due to their similarity with my mom's behaviors. Almost every time we spend a longer amount of time with her, she waits until her parents (my parents-in-law) are out of the area, and then she wants to 'have a talk.' Her talks usually consist of her talking about how my husband and I don't do anything right, don't do our part in the family, aren't improving or meeting her standards, and on and on... .We're trying to reduce our visits to once a month, but even if it's once a month, I find that I'm affected by these 'talks' for a week, but often more. I don't want to engage in them anymore.

I don't want this to create a problem between my husband and I, especially since he hasn't done near as much work as I have in the area of trying to separate from family members. But so far, he mostly just sits there during the 'talks' and doesn't say anything. I find myself trying to explain myself or feeling like she's 'winning' if I just go along with what she said. I just can't believe that after all the work I've done to try to set boundaries with my mom and get some distance, even despite moving a great distance, I find myself confronted with these types of problems again! I find it impossible to set boundaries so far with the sister-in-law, and she frequently changes what she says based on the situation. For example, she'll recommend one course of action one week, such as helping her mother, but then criticize that type of behavior on another occasion if she feels jealous.

Lately, due to my job and also the language and cultural barrier of living abroad, I find that outside some interactions with my coworkers, most of my other interactions are with her and the family or my husband. I'm beginning to feel isolated and depressed. I really hope this board and group can be helpful as I continue my journey of recovery. Thank you. 

[Turkish]

Hi sarahhealing,



I'm an adoptee, also, but domestically, though I was an interracial adoption (my birth mother was born on an Indian Reservation).

From your story, it sounds like there may be some cultural issues on play here,  yes?

I'm only going by my experiences talking to coworkers in my 25 years in the tech industry,  so correct me if I'm not seeing this correctly.  From what I understand,  if you marry, you kind of marry the family as well.  So if SIL is off the rails, that's just accepted,  and maybe not talked about or addressed.

You've described how your fiancé copes. What about the other family members?

We have tools here which can help.  Check out the Suggested Reading material at the top of the board. 

I'm sorry that you feel isolated,  but we can be here to support you in learning and applying boundary and validation tools.  One of the most basic is here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

The Read More button at the bottom of the page takes you to a discussion.  Take a look and let us know if it makes sense. 

Turkish

[sarahhealing]

Hi Turkish,

Thanks for your reply and sharing the information. There are definitely cultural issues for me at play here, which are sometimes difficult to figure out. There is also a language barrier. I've been studying Korean, but it's still only high beginner level, so all of these conversations go on through translations done by either my husband or her husband (my brother-in-law). Early on, my sister-in-law was doing things, and I kind of gave her the benefit of the doubt in terms of thinking that maybe she was just following Korean traditions or doing things a different way. However, after this amount of time and seeing how other family members interact with her, I've determined that some of the things she says and does are personal and not cultural.

But what you've noted about marrying into a family is pretty much true. People in the family recognize that the things she says and does can be hurtful, and they refer to it as her 'personality characteristic.' Upon talking more to my husband about it, I guess she has tried therapy in the past and even visited the family's Buddhist monk, but the conclusion seemed to be that she couldn't change her behaviors. I don't know the details beyond that, but the family members have said they are on my 'side,' which I think just means that they understand how difficult she is and are willing to support me in my efforts.

As for the 3-minute lesson, I think it was really helpful. I've started talking to my therapist about this topic, especially in relation to my mom as well. Right now, in both situations, I'm having a hard time not thinkings outside of the 'win-lose' situation and surrendering. I often feel as well that when talking to either of the BPs in my life, I tend to solidify my perspectives as 'the truth' and inwardly criticize them for not seeing that. I don't do much to outwardly engage in conflict with either of them, and I try to choose my words carefully, but usually at some point, I know my own voice changes and doesn't convey a sense of empathy or sympathy. I just sound angry and frustrated. I have no practice really using SET with the BPs in my life, and I'll admit I feel a bit daunted reading about them. One thing that was really helpful though was realizing that I had a part in this as well.

I'm wondering about the 'talks' from the sister-in-law and using SET. I can imagine her starting to initiate one of these talks. I'm not sure if I should start and engage in the talk or try to use SET to set a limit about the talks in general. For example, if I try to set a limit about the talks, I feel like I could imagine myself saying S: I heard you want to talk, and there must be something that is bothering you. E: I know you're always thinking about your parents first and want the best for everyone in the family. T: But I feel like when we've had these talks in the past, we all feel tired afterwards, and I don't want to engage in something that's going to make us both more stressed or damage our relationship more. (I'm really kind of stuck at the T because I wonder if I should offer to talk another time. Also, since I've never tried this, I really don't know how she'd react to the T part.) Do you have any tips or comments about the SET I tried to imagine? 

[spine]

I like how you've begun to create a script for yourself with SET (had to go to the glossary... .again!).  I wonder if you could add something to it that both acknowledges the need to talk, but that you should agree that you don't need to come to a resolution - and then also put a time-limit on the conversation.

As I write that I then think of how that can just be a set up for conversation after conversation after conversation.  But if in the process you are validating her feelings (not agreeing with them, but hearing them) and creating a boundary for yourself then maybe that's not all bad.

I'm at a loss for cultural things as the few Koreans I know of talk about how sons hold a higher station (or at least first born ones) than daughters, which may not be how it's playing out in your family. And if there are language barriers to begin with it may be difficult to find out how they have managed over the years, how her husband responds... .

I hope you find some in-person groups to hang out with, perhaps either an ex-pat community exists or english language learner instructors teaching english to Koreans or Korean to english?

It also sounds like you've been through quite a bit with your own family of origin. I know this platitude doesn't always fit well, but if you have found your way through one mess, you have the strength to find your way through this as well.