Has anyone else asked "How safe am I, really?"

[AngelBuds]

Hi, Long story but I will try to be short about it (I posted more details previously, if youre curious click my name  ) I am living with my Husband who 11 months ago began to display BPD.  I have known him inside and out for 5 years, then this began 11 months ago.  I am the focus of everything he has within himself, including all negatives.  He is fine to the outside world, but I get his full blown rage behind closed doors.  For 5 years, he was my Angel while I was fading in and out of critically ill to maybe OK for a few hours.  5 years of this.  5 years of ups and downs, never perfect but perfect for me.  While ill, he was my savior.  No exaggeration.  While ill, I also did everything to take focus off me and hide (I hate being ill, hate even more ppl knowing I am ill, and feel even worse when ppl SEE I am ill)  So, I was me, best I could, while going in and out of: alive to fading fast.  Im the girl getting Pics taken in ICU, tubes everywhere, with a HUGE smile    Laughter helps a lot.

11 months ago, that Angel began to fade away and today, I see the old him a couple times a day, few minutes, on a good day. 

Once able bodied 11 months ago, I announced the great news of recovery PLUS returning to work and school.    (side note: I had dropped Western Docs and did all natural remedies so within 1 year of Drs giving me a death date, their scans said clear plus scars healing within, also all my illnesses, conditions, disorders faded too, unheard of)  It was then, the cracks began... .and they just got worse to where it was a daily rage with him for no reasons. 

Now, I have put my foot down and refuse much contact (this is killing me to do).  For a week now, he has been himself while I am distant knowing he will attack again, I just never know when, and it is vicious, very bad----his raging throws me into PTSD, depression and anxiety (all illnesses I healed myself from years ago).  I end up a crying mess or lashing back at him.  So, neither of us win these rages he goes on.  Nothing is resolved, nothing gained, if anything, with each rage, he chipped away at the foundation of our marriage.  Plus, I am 11 weeks PG now.  When not in a rage, he acts like my Angel---but today, I've lost all trust in him because of this, and my Angel is my nightmare, my terror.

Today, if I so much see light hit a twinkle in his eye ball wrong, I state "I am not doing this with you again" and remove myself.  I have become THAT hypersensitive to this situation now, I am traumatized. 

So, I had an interesting NAMI meeting today.  Went well as usual.  I spoke for a few minutes summarizing who, what, when, where, and why about my Husband and uBPD.  A member asked if he gets physical.  I explained he does not punch or strike me.  He has (not in a week tho): Blocked my exit to continue his psychosis/madness/rage, he has chest bumped me (kinda like what athletes do 'chest bump' for "good job" to block my exit and push me away, he has driven like a mad man while I am trapped in passenger seat while he is on a rage about nothing but something I do in his imagination (real to him), he has also grabbed my arm while in the car raging at me in insanity once again.  So, those are the times. 

During the NAMI break, 2 others said to me I should really get safe from him.  I replied I am safe, I am not speaking with him much, just being ok when I see him, basically.  I live alone, until he has to sleep or get something in here.

~~~So, my question is, what do I do with him when he is not raging?  And, if he does not acknowledge he is abusing me, does that mean he can be violent physically and go too far one day, then say 'it wasnt abuse' or say 'it was her, not me.'?  How safe am I really?  And if people in my support groups are concerned for my safety after I share, does that mean I am missing red flags?   Is this enough to be reported, by 3rd parties, to authorities?  We have court reporters at NAMI meetings. (Means they are bound by law to report crimes, whether or not the victim or perpetrator wants that)~~~

This BPD Husband he is when not his old self makes no logic at all so I can't even begin to imagine what makes sense to him anymore.  His old self, would beat this new BPD Husband into the ground, forever.  The BPD Husband, says its not abuse and it's all me    He never apoligizes, ever.  When he was himself, he would apoligize if he didnt bring me a glass of water (when I didnt ask for it, so kind)  I feel he is playing me now, with the lies, deception and the playing like he is his old self, when the BPD Husband is waiting in the shadows with my blood on it's mind.  BUT, I am learning, that if this is truly a mental disorder, this is not on purpose so I need to understand... .then I get upset, why am I doing all the work while he runs around free?  Why can't he take 2 minutes to try and understand ME?  Why is it always about ----oh, I just answered my question, I have to do the understanding and all the work (plus everything else) because he is sick.  Again, this BPD stuff was not present when I said 'I Do.'  AND, I have to make this clear please, if he was not abusing me, attacking me, and detrimental to my health and well-being, I would be on board no questions asked ever, 1000% dedicated to help him along.  BUT, I have the opposite.  How does the victim help the abuser?  BY being a bigger person, I suppose?  I am teaching me and learning coping skills now, so maybe tomorrow I will be stronger to deal with mental disorder abuses. 

Right now, I am distant because I cannot cope w his raging, so basically, I am alone-hurting so bad to just be nuetral with my Husband.  Hurts even more to be attacked by him, too.  Either way I am hurting, I am suffering, I am also the only one getting help.  I spend 15-18 hrs a day researching, studying, acting on, calling, doing, everything to do with: mental disorders, pregnancy, baby, ME!, getting income, creating life for new family, getting aide, and wow, everything alone.

I dont mind alone, I love it; I do mind being married and new BPD guy shows up 5 years into us, and now I am suffering and alone.  Its like I am dragging dead weight with me now.  I also feel very BETRAYED.  Anyone else?  Is that harsh of me?  I feel like he was body snatched, I am betrayed by his lies and his BPD symptoms.  So, a bad situation is even worse.  He says it is me.  I tried explaining that to every therapist, hospital, other survivors, teachers, and joined support groups, but no one is buying my story of 'Its all me' yet.  I even said "I am in these (mental disorder support) meetings to learn how to cope and communicate with my Husband."  I guess once I explain the situation it is pretty obvious what is taking place. 

I am coming from severe mental, physical, sexual abuses since age 5 to age 19.  Then 19-31 I got into abusive relationships which were better than where I came from, just didnt see I still had a LONG ways to go to be in a healthy relationship.  Until, I was 31.  I left the decade lifesucker (ex) and I made a promise to myself to never allow abuse in my life and to not be abusive or violent, altho that is all I knew.  My Husband has similar background, so when we met, I offered him that nugget "In our lives, no lifesuckers, abusers, or violence."  We loved the nugget, new life to begin.  And we tried.  No too bad for 2 ppl without family or friends coming from being victims of a lifetime of blood family abuses, violence and debauchery.  Then, 11 months ago... .

Thanks for hanging in with me and reading this long post.  Your replies help me so much, thank you!  Makes me feel I am not: alone or slipping out of reality.

[toomanydogs]

Hi Angel Buds,
  What you are describing sounds really scary to me: the chest bumping, the blocking your way, all of it.
  An observation: you talk about when he was "himself." I could be wrong; however, from what I understand about BPD--the good stuff that he was/is and the bad stuff that he is, all of that comprises his core. He was himself back five years ago, and he's himself now. That's what makes all of this so difficult.
  Now to answer your question about if I've ever asked, "how safe am I, really?" Yes, I've done that.
  A few months ago, I was taking the garbage out early in the morning, and a truck went down the lane very very slowly. I backed into the garage, terrified. My H at this time was being so erratic, I was worried he'd hired someone to kill me.
  Shortly after, he hired an uber driver to take us across town. When the driver didn't go in the direction I'd expected, I was convinced H had hired this man to kill me.
  I was very very scared, and I've told damn few people about these two instances.
  The fact that the NAMI participants are asking about your safety concerns me. What you describe is your H putting your physical well-being at risk.
  And, like you, my H has never hit me. However, he has gone after my elderly dog, broken my plants, verbally attacked my kids to my face not theirs, and has emailed me telling me to Die you effing C***, die.
  My H scares me. He's out of the house right now, and I am profoundly grateful, even as I am overcome with grief because he has filed for divorce. Go figure.
  Please take care of yourself,
TMD

[AngelBuds]

TMD, thank you for your reply.  Since I have put my foot down and distanced myself, I have allowed him to sleep in here but I feel you and others are making a valid point.  I am in a space right now of I dont have a camels back to break anymore---his last toothpick did it.  Hope still lives here sometimes, tho.  So, what I have done, is: shared these stories with NAMI and here plus I have about 10 phone numbers now to call for 911, crisis, or just support.  Back then, I had nothing, no NAMI, no numbers but 911, and 911 asks "did he physically hurt you, threaten to kill you or himself with suicide?" ... .no.  "No? So... .have a nice day." click.  Actually, I told my parents a clip of the new BPD Husband and they just wanted to know if he hit me.  When I spoke to his Mom very briefly once, she replied to me "What did you do to deserve it?"  So, no concerns from many. 

Well, I know when people are serious, they dont talk about hurting or killing you, they do.  Same with suicide.  It is done.  So, 911 is useless for me (great for anything else tho)  So, I feel empowered today and I agree; so I say if he does get too close to me again, it will be 'Bye Bye' until we choose the next step.  Or I choose.  Damn, I hate thinking anything close to that... .or this.  Any of it.  Just want my real Husband back. 

I am sorry for your situation, too.  I totally understand that paranoia---wow, it's real.  And it is being terrorized, so who wouldnt be over-cautious?  How kind you are to reply to me when you have a world of your own emotions to deal with    I'll send a PM, so you know you got a friend.  I hope you stay safe and do YOU have places or people to call when you need someone? 

[donkey2016]

Hi,

Please put the safety of yourself and your baby first. I would move out of the apartment or tell him to move. Change the locks. It sounds very scary to me.

Once he's better or at least in therapy then he can maybe move back in.

Maybe he changed because of your pregnancy -that this triggered something in him. My ex husband started to panic attacks when I was pregnant with our first baby - from there it just went down hill. He was never violent but be became very distant and emotionally detached to me.

Take care of yourself!
Donkey2016 

[AngelBuds]

Hi donkey2016, sorry if I left it out, but this (BPD symptoms) behavior started 11 months ago.  I am 11 weeks and 1 day PG.  I have never been PG before.  1st time, and 37 yrs old, incomless, alone, Husband (BPD symptoms) plus everything else---no clue how I have not melted down into the Earths core yet, phew.  I dont mind the alone part, when I am alone.  But being married and alone, it's torture.  So, this has nothing to do with all the tragedies (plus miracle of baby coming along) of this year.  This began at the happiest point of my life, 11 months ago: I could walk again which meant I could work for money again and return to college.  My Angel who watched over me  for those 5 years while I was dying, could now be with his wife able bodied and moving and groovin!  I was excited    And there is where the cracks began.

Ya, I agree, it is scary for me being near him when in (BPD symptoms)... .but everyone in my physical life knows this and said not much more about it.  So, the authorities know, my parents know SOME, my Psychologist knows, NAMI members know, and this board members who read my posts know.  Although concerned, what I get in reply the most is ":)id he physically assault you?"  Well, his words *feel* pretty physical... .does that count    No. No it doesnt. 

What a scary world to ask for help in, and I already learned this lesson as a toddler (yes, going back to the abuses I survived for my lifetime).  So, I keep him away from me all day and night which is easy now because he just wants to stroll around, piddle outside with homestead, instead of dealing with reality with me.  I agree, reality without him is MUCH HAPPIER.  Just sad, this was my Angel for 5 years while I fading in and out of alive to dying... .

But ya, I will kick him out (again) if he is in his BPD symptoms again.  Or maybe this is him, and for 5 years, he just parroted me.  I have given him so much support to get help, I do everything except heal FOR him.  So, I thought I was helping, looks like I gave him 'enough rope to hang himself' (metaphorically, ofcourse, as the saying goes), who knows, insanity makes no sense... .

[donkey2016]

Hi AngelBuds,

Sorry, I read that the BPD behaviour started 11 months ago but still I was thinking about the pregnancy!  So maybe this is something that he gets scared of you being able to walk and to live a normal life - afraid maybe of losing you so that 's why he becomes like crazy. Poor you - that sounds so difficult when your family doesn't seem to accept that he's abusive or anyone else except for your NAMI group.

Did you read the advice and guidelines here on this web site for a safety plan? I found that was really helpful.
donkey2016

[AngelBuds]

Hi, ya, it's something.  This whole year has been a nightmare, everything that was a celebration was terrorized and ruined by his rages about nothing.  He is clearly disturbed so I used to get so upset with myself because I was not making him happy.  But, fool me once... .ya, I caught on.  It's almost like he enjoyed me being too sick and disabled, which is disgusting to me.  Altho always the happy sickest girl ever, I never thought he stayed because I was disabled and fading.  I thought because I was a good little patient and he loved me dearly is why he stayed. 

I am basically one step out of this marriage because of the abuse, I do not have the tools to handle an abusive husband, I dont think anyone should have to stay to be honest.  ESP.! since he refuses to seek help and also says all his abuse, is not abuse (this frightens me too much).  No where in any marriage paper does it say "Put up with opposite of man you married."  It especially does not say stay when being abused and husband refuses to address his abuses. 

I do feel guilty that this may be something out of his control.  But, I also refuse to suffer because he refuses to address anything.  He KNEW he had cracks before we got married, this is why I feel betrayed and manipulated.  He KNEW, and he refused to address it then.  I on the other hand, faced my abusers, faced my demons, and worked on healing myself which was very difficult and a very lonely journey.  I did this before I met him.  And now he has catapulted me BACK into PTSD, etc... .phew. 

[donkey2016]

Poor you, what a nightmare! Of course you don't have to stay with him. I can understand that you feel guilty somehow anyway - the FOG kicks in - since he helped you when you're sick. But you don't owe him anything. Maybe you could live separated for awhile. This is what I did with my boyfriend one year ago - I made him move to his own apartment. It wasn't easy but I felt I had no another option since I was going out of my mind with his bad moods.
Donkey2016