Relationship management while uBPD mom is grieving

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. 

My uBPD mom's "favorite" sister (my aunt) recently fell ill with a bad case of Guillain-Barré syndrome (where your immune system attacks your nerves). She is basically paralyzed and on a ventilator until the treatments start to work and she can begin the long rehab process. This has been very hard my aunt, her family, and all other close relatives. The whole situation has thrown my mom into what I'll call "uberwaif" mode, and the ON/OFF switch seems to be broken. I've had to enforce my boundaries more often, and use extinction at least once (still in effect). But I never anticipated how much more emotional extinction would feel to me when she's grieving something very scary and legit. I want to make space for her feelings and respect them while making space for mine, too. We are ALL scared for my aunt. Not reinforcing her behavior is 10x harder right now!

Your encouragement and/or tips are welcome! 

Thank you.

[Recycle]

Hi all. 

My uBPD mom's "favorite" sister (my aunt) recently fell ill with a bad case of Guillain-Barré syndrome (where your immune system attacks your nerves). She is basically paralyzed and on a ventilator until the treatments start to work and she can begin the long rehab process. This has been very hard my aunt, her family, and all other close relatives. The whole situation has thrown my mom into what I'll call "uberwaif" mode, and the ON/OFF switch seems to be broken. I've had to enforce my boundaries more often, and use extinction at least once (still in effect). But I never anticipated how much more emotional extinction would feel to me when she's grieving something very scary and legit. I want to make space for her feelings and respect them while making space for mine, too. We are ALL scared for my aunt. Not reinforcing her behavior is 10x harder right now!

Your encouragement and/or tips are welcome! 

Thank you.

[No-One]

Hi Recycle:
Although your mom may not have had therapy before, and is adverse to it, it could be an opportunity to use the stressful situation with her sister, as a reason to seek therapy.  The reason for therapy doesn't have to be about your mom's bad behaviors, just about gaining a professional listening ear that can help her manage her stress and give her some coping skills.

If you can't use the complete SET skill (Support, Empathy and Truth), perhaps you could express some level of empathy/validation to acknowledge her feelings (doesn't mean you agree with them).  The Truth portion, would be that you (and possibly other family members) aren't equipped to act as a therapist and that the support of a therapist could help her work through her feelings and thoughts.

[Recycle]

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas, no-one.

I have helped my mom seek therapy twice in the last two years after she expressed needing to find someone to help her with stress and anxiety. She did not last past the 2nd appointment either time. They may not have been good fits, but it is impossible to tell with her low trust in people and long list of co-occurring conditions (major depressive disorder, agoraphobia with panic disorder, probable PTSD and BPD, fibromyalgia, chronic arthritis, poor nutrition due to a stomach stapling 10 years ago without proper addressing of her food issues, bone-on-bone knees joints she won't get fixed due to her anxiety, a large hernia in her stomach she won't get fixed for the same reason and that she's been told can strangulate at any moment, and heavy use of pain medications and tranquilizers to "treat" all of the above).

The current extinction is because she hung up on me (I go NC after this until she self-soothes and decides to reach out to me) after I told her that I was at work and that I couldn't call down to the hospital for her to let them know she wouldn't be there for a visit.

Sigh.

[No-One]

Recycle:
Sounds like you mom has a lot of health problems and that some of the problems exacerbate other problems.  Has she ever received a benefit from an antidepressant? 

You may be right in thinking that the psychologists she saw for 2 sessions weren't a good fit.  Do you have any thoughts on what attributes for a psychologist or therapy style that might be best for your mom?  Does she have to work within the confines of an insurance provider? 

[Recycle]

No-one,
She's been on 200mg of Zoloft for 15+ years now. I've talked with her many times about having her meds checked and possibly changed for greater benefit but gave up trying. I offered to go to the doctor with her for support and she canceled the appointment (more on that below).

Having a conversation with her about psychologist attributes is not possible. Talking about therapy in general (especially with me) makes her nervous and she tries to change the subject. If that doesn't work, she just gets angry. I've been less and less willing to bring these types of things up. I'm not a professional and what she really needs (IMHO) is an inpatient program.

And she is a chronic canceller. She's been barred from returning to a few clinics due to frequent cancellations. She cancels about 95% of all planned health-related and social activities on a consistent basis and it's been at this rate for at least 5 years.

[No-One]

Recycle:
Just throwing out a thought.  Perhaps if some progress could be made initially with agoraphobia, it could lead to her getting out of the home more readily and perhaps lead to her keeping more appointments.  Perhaps online/phone therapy could be a starting point with a therapist, and then progress to office visits?  She may have to pay out of pocket for phone therapy, as I don't think insurances are apt to pay for that option.

I understand your need to step away from her and her complaining.  I hear that you have been a good daughter and have tried to help. Enforcing a boundary to cut off conversations about what's ailing her seems to be necessary for your sanity. 

Periodically reminding her that you are there to support her when she is ready to follow through with getting help, might be all you can offer right now.  Perhaps when she gets desperate enough to have someone listen to her complaints, she will start making and keeping appointments for professional help.

How old is your mom?  I'm thinking the approaching holidays and the shorter and darker days are making things worse.  I understand that the situation with her sister is a big part of her current mental state, but sometimes this time of year can make things worse.

[Recycle]

Thank you for your on-going support, No-One! 

My mom is 68. 

It is totally true that this time is year is rough for her. She's told me this in the past. My Dad left us (33 years ago) around the holidays and she still has not fully moved past it (even though she remarried 30 years ago).

The thoughts you have about what might help are very good. I wish I could make suggestions to her openly. I only have very small windows to suggest such things these days. Right now she is not responding to any of my communications, which are electronic messages of support using SET.

[No-One]

Hi Recycle:

I only have very small windows to suggest such things these days. Right now she is not responding to any of my communications, which are electronic messages of support using SET.

One thing to consider is to send her something by mail.  If you use Word, you can find some templates for greeting cards.  You can customize it with your own words and change up the graphics if you want.  It might be a little late to send something for Thanksgiving, but you could send a belated card.  Some people appreciate a custom greeting card.  You can add some hand-written words as well.

You don't want to change your boundaries, but perhaps there is a way to just let her know that you care and are thinking about her.  How she might receive a card in the mail is up to her.  Another option would be a card with a small gift. (perhaps if there is some way to get a card & a plant to her or some small gift that fits your budget)

[Recycle]

She lives close enough that I'd be able to drop a card and/or small gift in her mailbox! 

Good idea!