When my H gets snippy I snip back

[Tattered Heart]

I'm usually so good at validating and SET. But I realized that I have a hair trigger when my H gets snippy with me. I hate reacting to him this way and it's often so quick that I don't even think about what I"m saying before I say it. It's happened several times over the last couple days and I see how things are beginning to escalate. I don't know how to curb this quick response in myself.

Couple of examples:

H and I went to Sonic for dinner yesterday. I pulled into a stall and the screen was broken so I pulled out of the stall and went into another stall. This one also had a broken screen. My frustration is now getting high.
Him: (snaps) Just press the button to see if it works.
Me: (presses button. They answer). I just wanted to see if this stall worked. I'll call back in a moment.
Him: (snaps) Wow! You are so much trouble. You just confused him! Order now!
Me: (snaps) Stop accusing me. (I quickly order. I'm flustered)
Him: I didn't accuse you.
Me: (stops responding because I'm about to blow up)

Same timeframe, but we left Sonic and I had just put sugar packets in my tea. I stirred it before leaving the restaurant, but after I start driving I realize the sugar isn't mixed in well. So after checking that the lid is firmly in place, I shake my cup.

Him: (snaps) Don't do that!
Me: (snaps back) Why?
Him: (getting angry) Because I don't want to end up wearing it
Me: (stops shaking it. Resists JADEing, I stop responding because I can tell I want to yell at him)

We are heading to a costume party and it's at a place I've never been. I miss the turn and I"m about to pull into a driveway to turn around.
Him: (Snaps) Well this looks safe (sarcastically)
Me: (Snaps) What?
Him: (Snaps)There's  a hill. Traffic.
Me: (drives further to another driveway. Turns into driveway)
Him: (Snaps) Hurry up! There's someone outside.
Me: (Snaps) I have to get us turned around! (The driveway is rocky and uneven. I have to gun it slightly to get the car over a large hump)
Him: (Snaps) I wouldn't have done it that way.
Me: (Snaps) Well I'm driving. Are you going to be like this all night? (I resisted saying that he ruins every time we try to go out together).
Him: (mumbles something about me being a bad driver)

We were heading to a costume party that we've planned for months and it was his idea to go to. At this point though, I was so annoyed and angry with him that if he blew up I didn't care if ruined the night or not. I just wanted him to stop being a bully.

So the italic words are places where I did not respond well. I'm having trouble determining how not to respond so quickly when he gets under my skin like this. I can maneuver his slow build up anger, but when he is short, bossy, and demanding, I go from 0 to 10 quickly. I forget to think before I speak. How can I stop myself from reacting like this?

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[IsThisThingOn]

Hey Tattered Heart 

I can relate to this point so much. Everything is coming at you so fast while outside influences are also occurring it makes it difficult to pause and maneuver like you normally would.

Him: (snaps) Don't do that!
Me: (snaps back) Why?
Him: (getting angry) Because I don't want to end up wearing it
Me: (stops shaking it. Resists JADEing, I stop responding because I can tell I want to yell at him)

This one in particular makes me think of an example I can share with you:

Past Attempt at R/S:
Often times when we go to the store, usually some sort of food market/convenience store for whatever reason, my GF has a habit of what felt like apprehending/scolding me ... .As in, if we are in an aisle at a grocery store and someone is coming up behind me with their cart she will grab my arm and physically pull me to the side. Usually followed up with a "you cant be standing in the way" It always REALLY bothered me. The conversation would usually go like this:

GF: *grabs my arm and moves me out of the way* you're blocking people you cant just stand in the way
ME: Im standing picking out our stuff with you obviously I cant see them coming up BEHIND me
GF: well dont stand in the way in the first place!
ME: they can wait just like the rest of us, whats the rush!

... .it only went further downhill from there.

Present Attempt at R/S: Still happening. It was something I had thought about in depth prior to us deciding to get back together and still didnt know how I would handle it. Then it happened and was staring me in the face. Feeling aggravated over it but keeping in mind that I made a promise to myself to NOT let things escalate, I chose to just step aside (even though her physically pulling me out of the way made it hard not to ) and finished off our trip without letting it turn into a thing.  Trip/errand continued on and by the time we got in the car I realized the time it took for us to finish had given me enough time to calm down and say something about how it bothers me.

So I did.  This time the conversation went a little like this:

ME: babe, you know when you grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the way in the store?
GF: yeah... .
ME: I really don't like when you do that. Could you try alerting me instead that someone is coming and I'll move on my own?
GF: I dont see what the problem is I just didnt want them to hit you! (clearly getting worked up over me saying something)
ME: thanks baby, I really appreciate you looking out for me. I'd just like it if instead you could let me know theyre coming and I'll move myself instead of pulling me out of the way
GF: yeah... .I can see what youre saying. I just didnt want them to hit you.

I realized she wasnt trying to apprehend/scold me in the store. She did have my safety and concern in mind but didnt realize that how she was, in her eyes, protecting me was actually making me feel negatively.

Flash forward to now: occasionally she'll still grab my arm. I still have the instinctual grimace. But as soon as she does she looks at me and says "Sorry baby, I didnt mean to do that I just dont want them to hit you." -- It's still a work in progress but it's gotten significantly better.


Circling back:

Do you think he may have a reason behind his words/actions that are not coming through due to the nature of how he's expressing his concerns? Have you tried asking him in moments where you feel he'd be able to handle the conversation?

Do you feel there are acceptable alternative reactions/actions he could have in moments such as the examples you provided?  As in, H says "I wouldnt have done it that way." --> this triggers you to respond how you did ... .In a perfect scenario how would you have rather him said something? (not say something at all isnt an option, . We know SOMETHING will be said)


I'm not sure if this is really helpful... .but I thought it couldnt hurt to share what I've seen has helped improve it in my circumstances.

[Tattered Heart]

I have had that exact same scenario in the store many times. This I no longer go to the store with him when possible.  

You're right though. In these scenarios no response would be best because really there is no reason to give it more attention than needed. Like you said by the time we get on the road or back in the car it's over. He forgets about it. I usually will too as long as it's not too many times in a row. I'm perfectly comfortable and capable of having a conversation about it later if needed.

I know what his reason is. In these scenarios we were both nervous about going around new people. He got off work later than planned and felt rushed. Then when the first stall wasn't working we both got frustrated. Then he worries that if we make a fast food worker mad that they will spit in our food. He was worried about having tea spilled on him. He was worried about us getting hit by a car when I turned around. As usual it comes down to fear and being on control of his environment.

In these cases I'm in control of myself and the car and my drink but he doesn't know that or trust that. I don't need to let him affect me so easily.

I should probably acknowledge that I'm feeling stress too in these scenarios and do what I need to do to relax myself. Because once I'm calm I can handle him pretty well.

[Radcliff]

Hi TH, my wife and I definitely go off in the weeds like this, especially when stressed and often in cars when I'm driving!

I think the general key here is learning to recognize when unreasonable emotion or just plain garbage is coming your way.  It's hard in the moment, but with practice I've been able to get better at it.

For the Sonic example, his "Order now" command coming out of his fear of embarrassment in front of others really threw you, forcing you to order too quickly, which probably upset you more.  If you'd recognized that as the bad signal it was, you could have paused a beat and not allowed yourself to be rushed, and for extra credit perhaps validated your husband's discomfort.

It's a chore to have to have a filter to ask yourself if what he is saying is garbage everytime, but perhaps you only need to kick that filter into high gear when either of you is stressed, or you are in the car.

With the turning around example, when my wife is doing something similar and I need to focus on driving, I just kick in the calm voice, "OK, let me concentrate on this turn, OK, I see him, thanks."  I kind of start a short running commentary for a little bit, listening to my own calm voice instead of hers.

Wentworth

[Radcliff]

TH, I thought about this some more.  Maybe a better way to put it is when you are stressed or in the car, try to slow down *all* of your responses by a beat or two so you have a chance to catch outbound snips.  This has helped me.  When you catch one before you utter it, congratulate yourself!

Wentworth

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks BB

That's smart. I know when we are entering in a more stressful situation so I should look at my inward state and if necessary talk to myself out loud. He might even notice that I'm trying to reassure myself and realize that I'm feeling tense too and find comfort in knowing that I'm actually paying attention to what is going on around me. Even if he doesn't I'm still self soothing myself and that's what matters.

I can also tell when he is being snippy so reminding myself before we get into these situations that things are more tense than usual could help me relax.

[Lakebreeze]

Hi Tattered Heart! Let me first say I really admire your dedication to making this work and making things better in your relationship. I just admire your dedication and positivity as I've read more of your posts.
The backseat driving, the bossing around (Move! Get out of the way! Bad idea!) That could be my husband too. I think you are much further along in your journey than I am, in that you are seeking out appropriate responses to these negative, projecting fear based comments. I'm at the point where I'm just working on not responding to them. And sometimes it makes him really angry that I stay quiet but I can stay in control of my own emotions better if I just don't engage.
So keep up the good work.

[Tattered Heart]

Don't lose heart Lakebreeze. Just keep practicing and keep learning. I wasn't like this just 10 months ago. I was constantly walking on egg shells. Afraid to come home most evenings because I didn't know what to expect. I just being around my husband left me physically sick to my stomach because of nerves. I hated my life. I would pray to die so I could be free of him.

I think I found most of my learning occurred during the calm times. I just stayed on the board and started advising people and as I helped them I taught myself.

[flourdust]

I think you are being a bit hard on yourself.

Not everything is a disordered encounter. Sometimes, being snippy is just being snippy.

The situations you described all involved some common mild stressors. You had a few exchanges that were not 100% courteous. They did not escalate into multi-hour conflicts that derailed your plans.

This is just being human.