Figuring out who I am after mother wBPD died

[goaty]

Hi all

So where to begin?  My parents were intense.  My father was a Stanley Kowalski-type.  Loud, a bully, but extremely charming.  My mother, just the opposite.  She was shy, insecure and snarky - a Waif/Hermit type.  Looking back, it was a NPD/BPD relationship, but I never saw their issues when they were alive.  There was no space in the room - they were always telling us (children) how wrong/damaged/ungrateful we were.  We were always scurrying to please them or at the very least hide anything that could set them off.  It was exhausting.

Now, in the course of a short time, they are both dead and I'm a parent now.  I literally have no idea how to interact with people.  I have realized that dealing with my parents, their crises, their blowups, their irrational hatred for almost everyone I befriend, was my life.  I had closed down almost every single other human relationship or kept it at a very superficial level because I literally didn't have the time or energy to interact with another human being on that level.  They were sucking me dry.

But I can't do that anymore.  You can't keep a toddler at arm's length, emotionally. I can't keep her from making friends because I can't have a normal conversation with the other moms at playgroup.  But I don't know how to do that - I'm so anxious and defensive.  I worry about every word that comes out of my mouth, what I'm wearing, is my kid dressed wrong, do these women all secretly hate me - it's awful.

I never felt this insecure before, but I realize that's because my relationship with my parents served that need for me.  They belittled and I strove to make them happy.  Now I'm putting perfect strangers in this role, without their knowledge or consent.  How messed up is that?

How does an adult figure out who they are after spending three and a half decades feeding the beast?  I don't want to fake it - I want to have actual honest relationships with people.   I want to teach my daughter the same.  This cycle has to end. What kind of therapy can help me? Where do I find help?

Thanks for listening,
 

[Panda39]

Hi goaty,

Welcome to the BPD Family  

I'm not an expert on therapies so I will leave that question for another member, but I would suggest finding someone with knowledge about BPD.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and it's great that you are recognizing and acknowledging the issues you are having.  Seeing the problem is the first step in working through it.    You are choosing to be a better parent to your daughter which is wonderful.  It seems that having our own children causes us to reflect on our own childhoods, you sound like a survivor, beginning the journey to thriver.  I have found what has helped me have honest relationships is to be honest with others, I know that can be scary and it does open you up to be hurt (and sometimes you get hurt) but it also opens you up to honesty and friendship from others.  

I want to point out the box to the right --> Each item there is a link to more information.  When you have time you might want to check out the 'Lessons Section" and think about where do you think you are on the "Survivor's Guide".

I'm glad you've found us an know other members will be along soon with more feedback.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Notwendy]

It is great that you want to work on yourself to be a better parent to your child and also be good to you. Therapy can be very helpful in learning social skills and relationship skills. It's an investment of your time and resources in you.

I can relate to not knowing who I am. It comes from having to be who our parents want us to be in order to survive in our family units. Therapy and self care help us learn who we are.

It is possible that you are naturally introverted and shy and have some social anxiety. That's OK- we are who we are. However, people in this situation can want to learn to overcome this and have better social skills. You can do this. It's also important to be true to your nature. Socializing can be tiring for introverted people, and you may also need alone time.

Therapy can help you figure out what seems right for you.

[isilme]

I think it may help to find structured activities to take part in where any socializing is just a part of the experience.  I know that I do better when there is a task at hand, like volunteering at an animal shelter, and so the conversation can revolve around "what do I do?" instead of small talk.  Over the years I have worked to develop non-committal responses to questions about my family or ways to turn things back around and make others talk more so I can just listen and nod.  Maybe child-based activities that center around being a chaperone to the zoo, or something where there's not much time for deep soul-searching conversation would help get your feet wet   Or a Chuck E Cheese :P

Your feelings are a lot like what I went through in high school and college.  I would put on makeup, only to remove it before class so no one could laugh at me for doing it wrong (my mom was not there to help, and was not particularly feminine herself). 

Here's what I've learned:  Most people are kinda self-absorbed.  Not in a bad way, but just that anything that freaks us out usually does not even register for them.  I had a horrible morning a month ago - I felt sick, had a migraine coming on, no sleep, but HAD to be at work.  I got to work to realize I was wearing a blue shoe, and a black shoe.  I was hiding my feet all morning until I could go home to change, and felt mortified.  Guess what?  No one noticed, or cared.  Anxiety can make us feel like we are in a spotlight, but EVERYONE is more focused on their own blue shoe/black shoe issues, that they kinda don't see things that we feel are huge.

I had no good examples of how to act - my parents taught me to be a pretentious little brat, told me I was smarter than my teachers and then got mad when I would not listen to my teachers.  My social cues were a mess, and I STILL feel strange and awkward at times.  But I have managed to make a few GOOD friends, and other people I can laugh and just say, "I didn't know that/don't get that joke, I was literally raised in a basement" (they liked to keep my toys as far away from them as possible, so they'd not hear me).  Good people won't care about any awkwardness, and it just takes ONE person to be a friend to help you past some of this.

[ijustwantpeace]

Goaty,

Being so self-aware you are further along than you realize.  :)on't despair I joined this board last January 11th 2016, and I was alot like your self.  My interactions with others were rough to say the least.  It was a severe anxiety attack that I was a heart attack that sent me to the doctor and I googled up this board as a results.

Due to having learned social skills, problem solving and not to mention very critical thinking I found myself getting fired from job after job and people not being around me.

That changed when I found this board, learned boundary skills, critical thinking / observation skills, and surrounded myself with people who where rock solid.  When I mean rock solid, I mean no trace of craziness at all.  I observed them and how then interacted with their family, their friends and others.

The transformation process was not easy, in fact it was the one of the hardest things I had to deal with in my life.  Being raised by a borderline mom was traumatic for me.  She did everything in her power to make me feel worthless, and never put any value into me at all.

Never once said I was good enough or smart enough.  Whenever my life seemed to turn for the better she her abandonment issues would come in and she would stir up a sh*t storm.

Learning boundaries, this group, a church group, mindfulness, accepting reality, critical observation / thinking skills changed my life.  I also am learning about stoic philosophy that makes it so I don't judge stuff, I just accept it for what it is and move on.

It sound like a big list, but you don't need to do it all at once.  I changed my life for the better in just about a year and you can to!

Regards