co-parenting with my ex-wife who has clear BPD traits - this is not easy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex-wife and I have two beautiful children. I am positive she is undiagnosed BPD. Feeling a bit helpless.  Trying to put my life together, as well as keeping our kids on the right track and hoping she (ex) will be okay, of course.  Hoping to find some support & community here. 

[jimburns]

My ex-wife and I have two beautiful children. I am positive she is undiagnosed BPD. Feeling a bit helpless.  Trying to put my life together, as well as keeping our kids on the right track and hoping she (ex) will be okay, of course.  Hoping to find some support & community here. 

[Panda39]

Hi Jim,

Welcome to the BPD Family

This is a great place for support, tools, ideas and even a safe place to just vent once in awhile 
You are not alone all of the members here have someone in their lives with BPD and we all "get it".

Can you tell us a little bit more of your story?  How old are your kids?  What does your current custody agreement look like?  What are you having the most trouble with that we can help you with?

Take Care,
Panda39

[jimburns]

Hi, thanks so much for responding. 

Well my boys are 6 & 9.  I have them 3 nights a week.  Schedule works out to 50/50 custody. 

My ex-wife tends to be overwhelmed with life a lot of the time, and has periodic total breakdowns where she has trouble getting out of bed, occasionally will lash out on (or in front of) the boys, and tends to blame her issues on many external people and things (including me).

One day recently I brought the boys back to their mom's and she didn't answer the door.  We went inside and found her out cold in her bed - it took a while to revive her - she'd taken 2 klonopin to calm down b/c she was upset about something earlier in the day.  But she knew her shift with the boys was beginning.  Boys were freaked out and I took them back to my house that night. 

This specific thing has only happened that one time but it definitely freaked me out.  I'm not sure how much she understands how not-okay that was.

But she said her doctor recommended she try fMRI-guided TMS. Not something I'm familiar with but I'm hopeful for anything that might make a difference.

Two professionals we've met with together (one a therapist, the other a co-parenting counselor), have suggested she has BPD (to me, not to her). My own therapist has suggested it too, though acknowledging of course that he hasn't treated her directly. 

This inspired me to read Walking on Eggshells and I would say based on that that it's extremely likely. But she goes to a psychiatrist regularly who I guess has not given this kind of diagnosis, and is treating her only for depression and perhaps anxiety.

I'm reluctant to mention BPD directly to her as I know that just hearing that term might make her run away from any help she needs. 

Meanwhile I just want to do what's best for the boys.

[livednlearned]

Wow, I can understand why you would feel freaked out. How did you explain things to the boys?

What is their relationship with their mom like?

My ex had a substance abuse/drinking problem and even though it was in the parenting order that he could not drink before or during visitation, he did, though it was hard to prove. Without mentioning anything about his dad, I would casually ask S16 (10 at the time) what he would do if something happened, and had him memorize my number, or tell him adults could help him figure out if it was an emergency, and for that he could call 911 and ask to talk to someone. Some things I thought he might be able to do, he said he couldn't, like walk over to a neighbor's.

Mentioning BPD may not help, and actually make things worse. However, the good news is that there are skills you can use to deal with some of the behaviors. And there are skills that can help your boys become more emotionally resilient.

How are the boys doing? Do they see a counselor?

[jimburns]

Thanks for advice on telling my son what to do in emergency -- very helpful.
Other answers:

How did you explain things to the boys?

Not much explanation, just that Mom had taken medicine that knocked her out more than she thought it would.

What is their relationship with their mom like?

They love her and are close with her.  She can be a decent mom when she's "ok".

How are the boys doing? Do they see a counselor?

They do not. At the moment they seem truly fine, so I'm just not sure when is the right time / way to get them help if/when they need. (I'm a big believer in therapy, having done it myself for decades.)