The cleanse strikes back

[takingandsending]

Had meeting with divorce coach, child specialist and xw today. Xw shows up 20 minutes late and prefaces meeting with "I'm in day 5 of a 10 day cleanse."

The last time we had a meeting and she was "cleansing" was a royal dysregulation-fest. Today was to be no different. Divorce coach asks for agenda (the thing I truly hate about collaborative process - specialists let the inmates run the show, which with BPD spouse is a nightmare). Xw asks if this is a check in because she has plenty of "stuff" going on in her life to talk about. No, coach clarifies, what do you both want to discuss re. parent schedule and parent issues.

Xw implies that I am the one in control of entire situation with S11 and S6, and it's up to me if I want changes in the schedule. She harps on kids' bedtimes, their exhaustion, how I won't get on same page as her, how I don't support her by letting her know S11 has field trip that his teacher e-mailed us all about and on and on. I let the team know I am done talking about this. I want 6 overnights in 2 week span and working toward 50/50 in a year. Xw suggests S11 live with me and just visit her - all of her friends suggest this (which just shows everyone there what a reliable, caring mother she is). I counter, I am fine with it if the boys are not split up. They're brothers. They shouldn't be separated. I offer to take both boys during weekdays and give her weekends. She says she can't be separated from S6 for that long.

All this and add in more damned talk about her Maui trip where she tells the collaborative team she doesn't want S11 on the trip because he will complain and fuss too much and ruin it for her. In her next breath, she says I am projecting my worries on to S11 that he might, just might, get the impression that she favors S6 over him. For the love of god!

One hour of projection, blame and distortions - and she started the meeting saying she can ill afford the specialists and any more meetings! We got nothing, absolutely nothing accomplished. The child specialist never even had a chance to talk about what she observed with the boys at my house. I will talk to my L on Monday. We are agreed that if nothing gets done by November, I will call in a mediator or arbitrator, get the agreements I can signed and to the courts (even if is just the current TPP) and then head to court. This is hopeless continuing in this process, as most of you have advised.

[livednlearned]

You've been remarkable throughout this process!

(And that has to be the best subject line heading here  )

I'm so sorry you are still getting dragged through this.

If you went straight to a normal divorce, there is a good chance you would experience some of this nuttery but over different parts of the process. It can take a while to figure out the loopholes where a high conflict person + lawyer can exploit the process and I don't think anyone gets a pass on going through that phase of head banging.

How does arbitration and mediation after collaborative divorce work where you live?

[takingandsending]

Thanks, lnl.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing the right things, keeping the right priorities. So easy to want to just agree to status quo simply to reduce contact with her.

In this process, arbitrator is selected by collaborative team, hears both parties and makes decision on custody - still believe that both parties have to sign agreement (I will clarify with lawyer on Monday). Similarly, mediator is selected by collaborative team, hears both parties with intent toward resolution of differences. My L suggested mediation, as he said that specialists are not skilled in resolving conflict, rather toward providing counseling support to both parties. I assumed that they were to provide support and assist in resolving conflict. With BPD involved, all of this talk of resolving conflict seems pretty far fetched - whoever is in that role would have to be far more assertive.

I am going to grill my L on Monday, as at this point, I have doubts how this process could ever work with a disordered parent. I still need to come out of this with a signed TPP at a minimum before heading to court.

I am just hoping I can keep seeing any humor in this craziness.

[takingandsending]

Took S11 to see his T yesterday. I shared with T (in private) what xw had proposed about splitting up the kids. The T suggested that I propose having S11 for 9 nights and xw with 5 nights - basically reversing our current custody time. The T suggested this because S11 has no consistent, safe attachment with xw. My S6 would still only spend 5 nights with me and 9 with his mom. There would have to be overlap where both boys are together at both households.

Green lighting her taking S6 to Maui while S11 stays with me over Thanksgiving.

This stuff is breaking my heart. I can't believe xw is willing to discard S11. Feeling really angry, sad and confused right now. Don't really have words to describe how horrible it is witnessing all of this. Even when I read about people's stories here, I never thought my xw was so far gone as to ask for this. Worried what S6 will think about me and his brother if we end up doing this. Really don't know what to think right now.

[livednlearned]

This stuff is breaking my heart. I can't believe xw is willing to discard S11. Feeling really angry, sad and confused right now. Don't really have words to describe how horrible it is witnessing all of this. Even when I read about people's stories here, I never thought my xw was so far gone as to ask for this. Worried what S6 will think about me and his brother if we end up doing this. Really don't know what to think right now.

I feel your pain  I wish I had the right words to say, but I'm not sure witnessing a parent discard a child has any.

My son's father was court ordered to do a list of things that would show he was willing to be S16's life in a safe way, and N/BPDx couldn't do it.

I wish I did family counseling with S16 when all of that was happening, not just sending him to his own therapist. Is that a possibility for you and S11?

S16 and I are starting family counseling now. All of those feelings of rejection seem to have been pushed deep, and have lead to fairly serious depression and anxiety in him. He uses therapy to vent, which is important and also not helping him get unstuck. He seems to be projecting his dad's rejection of him onto everyone, which makes for a very sad adolescent

I also had a tendency to rush through things and want S16 to feel better before he was ready. At 16, he can now verbalize this to me, saying, "I don't tell the truth about whether I'm ok because you just want me to be ok."  

I have better skills now, but sometimes it feels like I missed the window.

You have time. You can walk with S11 through this.

[takingandsending]

I have better skills now, but sometimes it feels like I missed the window.

You have time. You can walk with S11 through this.

Thanks lnl. I will talk to my T and S11's T about family counseling. Still processing this grief. I feel like everything I have done to try to protect my kids is resulting in harm. I know, rationally, that my actions are not harmful, but our collective actions as parents are causing the kids to be hurt. And I don't know how to stop it. Everything feels too reactive.

[livednlearned]

Everything feels too reactive.

Can you say more about what you mean? I think I understand. Sometimes I assume too much 

[ForeverDad]

Took S11 to see his T yesterday. I shared with T (in private) what xw had proposed about splitting up the kids. The T suggested that I propose having S11 for 9 nights and xw with 5 nights - basically reversing our current custody time. The T suggested this because S11 has no consistent, safe attachment with xw. My S6 would still only spend 5 nights with me and 9 with his mom. There would have to be overlap where both boys are together at both households.

Fortunately the T doesn't like the idea of total separation of the boys.  (Remember the separated twins in The Parent Trap?  Only works in the movies... .)  I would be very, very reluctant to set a schedule where the boys aren't together as much as possible.  IMO

• You don't want it where both parents are always parenting one or the other.  You both will need your personal time.  And also overlaps as long as possible so you're free to take both kids on long weekends to visits parks, family, etc.  That's why alternate weekends work so well and are standard in most schedules.
• The boys need their sibling connection.  Yes, each boy may be spending some time with opposite parents but they need to be together as much as possible.

Also, in time the same will quite probably happen with S6, he will get older and likewise be handed off more and more to you.  She won't want to admit it, she will still want to publicly show an MOTY face on paper, but unofficially you'll get extra time.

Regarding counseling, I complained to my lawyer early in my divorce that I had discovered my then-stbEx was taking our preschooler to counseling behind my back.  He said, courts love counseling!  He focused me on the task to find a way to get me involved in his counseling.  (And to make sure the counselors stopped being conned into aiding my ex in her efforts to sabotage me.)

[takingandsending]

Can you say more about what you mean? I think I understand. Sometimes I assume too much 

Just the feeling that my xw and I are both escalating v. talking about what's best for the kids. We didn't start out in warfare, but that's how it is starting to feel. And I know that is not good for our sons. Some of this has been precipitated from my fear of her moving the kids - it's why I have been working so hard to get an extra overnight. But some of it too, I have to accept, is coming from her own difficulty in parenting both boys without me there to assist.

I spoke with my L yesterday, and he is actually encouraged that this is happening now as opposed to after having a signed parent plan and having to amend that. He stated that, in his experience, 80% of custody changes are when one parent admits to struggling and wants a change. That S11's counselor recommends me having more time with S11 is a big thing, per my L. S11's counselor works in the collaborative legal field, is recognized as an authority, and rarely makes recommendations on custody between parent. So, that she is suggesting a change and xw proposed a change, L is encouraged to call collaborative team together (without xw and me) and discuss what appears to be best for kids.

I am trying to keep a positive outlook for myself and for my sons, while letting go of the hope that my xw could somehow pull it together enough to work out how to be there for our children. After all is said and done, I still believe that everyone has the capacity to change and grow and learn. I just have to accept that xw's capacity is stunted.

[takingandsending]

• You don't want it where both parents are always parenting one or the other.  You both will need your personal time.  And also overlaps as long as possible so you're free to take both kids on long weekends to visits parks, family, etc.  That's why alternate weekends work so well and are standard in most schedules.
• The boys need their sibling connection.  Yes, each boy may be spending some time with opposite parents but they need to be together as much as possible.

Also, in time the same will quite probably happen with S6, he will get older and likewise be handed off more and more to you.  She won't want to admit it, she will still want to publicly show an MOTY face on paper, but unofficially you'll get extra time.

I am looking at a schedule of 9 days with S11 and 5 days with S6 in a two week span. So, they will have 4 days over 14 days where they are not together. If anyone has suggestions of how to make this schedule work, I'd like to hear your ideas. My L penciled out:
With me
S11: M Tu W Th F Sa Su M Tu
S6:            W Th F Sa Su
With xw
S11:                                             W Th F Sa Su
S6:   M Tu                          M Tu W Th F Sa Su

[flourdust]

The only thing I would say about the schedule is that those are pretty long stretches to go without seeing the other parent. Can you break it up some?

[takingandsending]

I thought that as well, flourdust.

Yes, we can break it up some. Especially important for S6 to see us both each week. I also considered inserting a parent dinner/evening with a child during any long stretches. Let me work on it and post again.

[ForeverDad]

Good to see that the schedule you're pondering does have the boys together as much as possible.

I had a high conflict divorce and our exchanges always had a lot of tension and simmering conflict, well, she did.  So when it became clear we would end up with equal time I wanted a 7-7 schedule so our exchanges were minimized to once per week.  Our Custody Evaluator, a child psychologist, instead recommended a 2-2-5-5 schedule, especially for for children under 10.  Years passed and I now have majority time during the school year but though our son is 15 now we still revert to that 2-2-5-5 schedule for summers.  A few years ago when I got majority time I wanted to reduce the summer exchanges back to my original wish of one exchange per week.  My lawyer promptly squashed that idea, he sternly asked, ":)o you want the court to think it's okay for your son to be with his mother and away from you for longer periods of time?"

What I mean by telling my story is that, as others have already noted, you have a long stretch of 9 days where S6 is with his mother.  Are you okay with that?  Is that good for S6?  Something to ponder... .

[flourdust]

ForeverDad makes a very good point. Our custody evaluator recommended a schedule with more frequent swaps because his observation was that my ex could handle custody for about three nights in a row before her ability to parent degraded.

[takingandsending]

Thanks flourdust and ForeverDad.

xw is adamantly opposed to too many transitions - she will generally take those options off the table quickly. She has friends who tell her how they were traumatized as children going between households during the week. For reference, our current schedule is:

with xw
S11/S6: M Tu W Th         Su M Tu W              Su
with me
S11/S6:                    F Sa                   Th F Sa
Note: I have both boys on partial Sundays (1 p.m. first week and 4 p.m. second week).

I have a 1 hour 10 minute commute 3 days a week and work in town 2 days a week, so I have arranged my work schedule to work from town when I pick up or drive boys to school.

I was considering the following:
With me
S11: M Tu W Th* F Sa Su M Tu
S6:            W Th F Sa Su
With xw
S11:                                             W Th F Sa Su
S6:   M Tu                          M Tu W Th* F Sa Su

*Non-custodial parent spends 3 hours in the evening with child (dinner + school work/social time)

That would relieve some of my concerns going so long without seeing S6. Do you think it would allay a court/judge's view of a parent with long lapses between contact? If the parent evening is considered, I am going from 4 days currently to 5 days gap without contact.

I really don't know if xw will go for this. Under current schedule, she really has no weekends with the boys, but doesn't seem to mind that, despite my offers to change the schedule to make that more equitable (think she has stated she enjoys having the weekends). She may not want the long weekend with the boys under my current proposed schedule. Of course, that would make my commute/work schedule easier to figure out if that were the case.

I have been feeling really daunted with how to make all of this work, even if it does come to pass that I get more custody time with S11 (or S6 too). I don't want to move my kids south to where I commute, and my work opportunities/compensation north where I live are not as good. Tough life choices still facing me.