A difficult relationship

[sea bee]

My sister has BPD.  I've been trying to help her, and I thought I was doing a good job, but she's just gotten progressively more and more abusive and manipulative over the last few years.  I asked her to leave (she was living with me and my GF) and told her I really didn't want to support her or communicate with her.  It's been really hard, and she's turned a lot of acquaintances against me and my GF.  I don't really know what to do about it, and I really don't like it.  I wish there were some way for me to feel better about the situation, but I'm honestly just feeling really overwhelmed right now.

I'm also worried that my sister's therapist is not a good match for her.  She knew my sister was lying to me but didn't do anything about it and wouldn't return any of my calls asking for help or a shared counseling.  When we did our joint session where I told my sister I didn't want to support or communicate with her, she almost immediately said we would surely have a good relationship again and should totally do joint counseling again.  It sounded pushy, and I didn't like it.

Any thoughts?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Sea bee! 

Great to have you on board!

I think it's great that you have been trying to help your sister. That shows a heart of compassion and care for her.  I also am glad that you are beginning to care for yourself now. That is a big step, to set aside her needs and instead begin to focus on yours. 

Living with a pwBPD is hard, very hard. You are not alone in your concerns and inability to handle it anymore. It is tiring a takes a great toll on those around them, not only emotionally but also physically. What would you say is one of the biggest challenges you face with her at this time? Has she moved out yet?

If you weren't painted black before asking her to move out, then this may be why she has stepped up the pressure by telling others things about you.

I asked her to leave (she was living with me and my GF) and told her I really didn't want to support her or communicate with her.  It's been really hard, and she's turned a lot of acquaintances against me and my GF.

A pwBPD commonly shows this type of behavior when they feel or perceive rejection. You have the right to make a choice to ask her to move out. Are you struggling with guilt feelings because of it?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction bursts

Here is a link that you might find helpful. What do you think about it?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Is she still living with you?

Based upon what little you said,  the counselor doesn't sound too helpful. 

How old is your sis and what's your view on her ability to take care of herself as an adult?

Turkish

[Panda39]

Hi seabee,

I wanted to join Wools and Turkish and welcome you to the BPD Family.

It's clear that you care about your sister and that this has been hard on all involved, but IMO you have done the right thing taking care of you.  The only people we can control is ourselves we can not make someone else do or be something they don't want to be and I think you've figured that out in relation to your sister.

So you took action to protect yourself and your girlfriend you set a boundary, a physical boundary and that is a good thing.

I know this change is hard for you my guess is that you have been taking care of your sister for a long time, that may even been your role in your FOO (Family of Origin) so letting go, setting this boundary feels strange or uncomfortable.  But your sister is an adult and needs to learn to take care of herself, if you are like my SO he worried that his uBPDxw wouldn't be able to cope on her own, but she has she's gotten herself in some messes and still always had a roof over her head, food in her belly and clothes on her back.

In setting your boundary your sister is escalating things by bad mouthing you to other people.  She's acting like the little kid in the grocery store... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

The screaming tantrum is the "Extinction Burst" that Wools mentioned. 

In terms of the bad mouthing it sucks but try and let it go.  The people that know you and care about you won't buy it, some people will buy it for now but over time will figure out the issue isn't you but your sister, and still others will buy her story in full (and do you really want those people in your life any way?).

Hang in there 

Below are some links to more on boundaries that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

In terms of the Therapist, she is your sister's Therapist and her choice so not much you can do there again that is up to her.
 
You might try and find Therapist of your own to work through some of the issues related to your sister, that professional support can be truly helpful and you always have us too!  This is a great place to get support, tools, ideas and sometimes just a place to vent.

Again welcome, I'm glad you've joined us,
Panda39