How does your BPD spouse deal with their parents?

[Graceinaction]

My husband's parents (especially his mom) seem to be an ongoing issue for him. First let me just say, I'm not a professional, I only took a year is psychology in college. I never like Freud or his theories!

Having said that, obviously for lots of people with BPD their parents/childhood are a big issue. Psychology is interesting to me, and reading about BPD is fascinating. Over the years I've figured out some of the dynamics in my husband's FOO, and I will say this- they are some of the most passive aggressive people I've ever met! They don't fit the stereotyped FOO for a BPD person, but all the key ingredients are there. Just in a slightly skewed way.

The past year my husband has started staying with his parents when he gets really out of control or thinks leaving will get me to do what he's demanding, and his mom has started this new role where she thinks we're best buddies and she wants us to work together to "make him better," all in completely manipulative ways of course. She does not like it when I stand my ground with her any more than he does!

But the whole thing has made him worse. I've talked in other posts about him trying to get me to mother him, and I think that's gross so I won't. But he also accuses me of things I've never done, and I've figured out that quite a bit of it are things his mom did. He has no (literally zero) relationship with his parents. He'll stay over there for 2 weeks and they don't even have a conversation. Then he'll come home and rage at me for "never bothering to get to know him," or "Yoi don't know anything about me!" Which he later will admit makes no sense in the context of our actual relationship. 

As much as I dislike Freud, I'm pretty sure my husband has massive mommy issues. And his dad is a while other story. His parent's entire relationship is one big passive aggressive power struggle, which is what he's tried to turn our marriage into. I have no desire to fight someone for my basic right as a human being to make decisions for myself, so I stopped playing when I realized that's what was happening. In the beginning I didn't see the situation for what it was because he is SO good at passive aggressive and I have no experience in that. I would try to reason with him, or try to get him to see my side. It took me far too long to realize that was never going to work because he didn't care about how I felt about things, he just wanted to "win."

Anyway, I have always tended to have the attitude that you didn't need to relive your entire childhood to recover from stuff. I had crap in my childhood and counseling helped me. But for him, I'm concerned he may actually need to confront these issues.

Does anyone know if that's a part of DBT? Is that part of the process? He is beyond terrified of everything in his past. I know a lot, but honestly it's mostly neglect and control. The typical push-pull of BPD moms that pass on the illness to their kids. I've always wondered if there's something more, worse, darker. I have no idea, and I'm not sure I want to know. But regardless, this man is scared to death to talk about his childhood. He goes psychotic, for real. I've never seen anything like it. He can be fine, and if he's faced with talking to a therapist about his childhood he literally goes psychotic. Delusions, hallucinations, hospitalizations.

Any insights here? Anyone's spouse dealt with this? I'm mostly just curious. I plan on staying FAR removed from this issue with him, but if/when he ever deals with it I'll be supportive.

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[Tattered Heart]

My H's FOO is quite a mess. My H was sheltered his whole life and I'm pretty sure his dad is NPD. His mom is codependent. My H was the scapegoat child. He often took on the wrath for his brothers and sisters and even today still tries to be a rescurer to them and anyone he views as an underdog. Thankfully his family lives 6 hours away and we see them maybe 2X per year and he talks to them on the phone only every few months. He has said that he has no emotional connection to his parents.

When visiting my H and his dad always get into a very heated fight. On one visit I thought it was going to go to blows. This is very frightening to me, but we have started staying at a hotel when we visit in case we need to get away.

From what I understand DBT does not work through childhood issues, but I don't know for sure. Someone who has more info might be able to answer this more accurately. DBT is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that helps the counselee learn new ways of responding to their emotions. It's supposed to help them get out of their emotional mind into wisemind.

Several years ago my H tried to do psychotherapy and it helped him a little. But it was a horrible time for him emotionally as it stirred up a ton of long buried emotions and he was a mess during that time. He eventually ended counseling. At a later time I met with his counselor to refer me to someone for counseling for myself and he explained to me the attachment issues with my H. In a round about way it seemed like he was saying that his attachment was broken and it seemed as if he was saying that cannot be fixed.

It sounds like your H family may be trying to drag you into a Karpman Drama Triangle . You may already be considered the part of the persecutor and not even know it.

[isilme]

H has lots of FOO issues.  His birth father was abusive and a drug abuser, and his mother left him after H was about 4 years old (his sister was 8) and things were just too bad to stay.  She re-married her high school sweetheart, and I can honestly say I feel he tried his best to be a good father, H's mom made things hard and prevented her sons from interacting with eh father they knew in any way meaningful to the step-dad (he adopted her kids form the first marriage, so he's H' "real" dad, even though not his birth dad).  He liked sports and outdoorsy stuff, she refused to let her boys be in harms way - no football, no hunting, no farming, etc.  So, the sons grew up with vastly different interests and it's hard for the dad to relate, now.

The mom is a passive-aggressive hoarder, with some Queen/waif traits.  I feel she DOES try to be a good mom, but also gets so bogged down in not being defied, and not having to exert much effort, she ends up passively insulting and hurting her kids.

H hates the holidays.  His parents at this late age have allowed themselves to go downhill healthwise (they are very sedentary in their mid to late 60s - I work with ladies who run marathons the same age, and me who take their families on bike tours).  H's sister refuses to spend much time with them, his brother avoids them, because they are sad, lonely people who hate to get off the couch, won't turn down the TV while you visit, and won't clean for you to have a place to sit.  H's mom literally lives on the couch.  She sleeps there, eats, there, and even wears adult diapers so she can avoid getting up as much as she needs to.  She has diabetes, and has allowed her inactivity to get so bad she doesn't eat in any way of a healthy manner and has a CNA go to the store for them. 

Visits are depressing, as he is convinced their life is his future, that everything bad that happens to him is the result of punishment for not making them live better/taking care of them (they won't let us, even if we tried to do so). 

H will start to get edgy and in a really bad mood come Thanksgiving and again at Christmas.  Since the siblings don't go, and somehow it's excused, we always go, and get the brunt of the sadness and anger at the siblings.  Not going is not yet an option.

I get yelled at often for things his mom does/has done.  For his feelings about his sister. 

Graceinaction - I had a very unhealthy upbringing, and frankly don't really find it in me to trust counselors.  But I have managed to make it to my 40s in what I guess is a mostly healthy way.  I work tough issues on this board as I can, and can attest that for some people, counseling is not the be all end all for recovery - it can help, but people can also sometimes manage to get past childhood trauma on their own ONCE they can see what that trauma was.  I still am amazed at the amount of abuse and neglect I grew up with - I thought it was all normal, or just slightly weird until I was old enough to watch friends' families.

I think your H's family is making a mess of things.  Tattered prolly has it right, trying to put you into a triangle.  I think Michael Chricton stated it in Sphere pretty well, that a triangle is the most unstable of human interactions - shifting alliances of at least 2 versus one.  The mother wants the drama from "helping" her son.  She is used to the unhealthy interactions that honestly contributed to making your H who he is today. 

[mousemat]

These posts got me thinking, I wonder if there are bp's (particularly ones that are confirmed thru diagnosis) who don't have a difficult or poor relationship with their parents.  I've just always assumed that BPD stems from problems during childhood, so that would be interesting.

[Graceinaction]

These posts got me thinking, I wonder if there are bp's (particularly ones that are confirmed thru diagnosis) who don't have a difficult or poor relationship with their parents.  I've just always assumed that BPD stems from problems during childhood, so that would be interesting.

I read somewhere that 25% of BPD people don't have a history of trauma or abuse, but I'm not sure how accurate that could be. If the research is accurate and BPD actually starts in early infancy, how would anyone know what they experienced during that time? For most the abuse/neglect would continue. But I'm sure there are some cases where it's a limited issue for varying reasons, or people just won't admit it. Denial is strong.

Then there are the people that are 100% biological and believe it's all a brain disorder with no influence from the outside. I wish it were, because even though that's hard to treat, it's easier than abuse/neglect. Especially when the BPD person refuses to face their past or put in the work necessary.

[Cole]

dBPDw has no relationship with parents at this time. It has been turbulent the entire time I have known her. Her mother is a very passive aggressive individual and father just sits back and lets MIL dish out the abuse. No doubt in my mind MIL is BPD, as well.

I believe a BPD parent and a BPD child is a really bad combination. It is also common, as BPD traits seem to be hereditary. 

[Tattered Heart]

I read somewhere that 25% of BPD people don't have a history of trauma or abuse, but I'm not sure how accurate that could be. If the research is accurate and BPD actually starts in early infancy, how would anyone know what they experienced during that time? For most the abuse/neglect would continue.

We are getting into a little more of a clinical study but it is an interesting topic. A friend of mine, who works with -preBPD teens (they aren't usually diagnosed until adulthood) said that researchers are now looking into how what is going on in the mother's life affects the growing baby in-utero. So for instance, if the pregnancy is unwanted, if there is intense stress in the mother's life, if there is conflict in the home, etc. during pregnancy, can that affect the attachment of the child? These studies are still going on, but it is an interesting topic to consider.

[Hisaccount]

My BPD ex, to her, her parents are infallible and the standard to live by.
But she still went her own way and they supported her no matter what. This was a flaw on their part.

Her parents loved me. I mean so much that they would come to visit me and not their daughter. During the divorce the only thing I asked for is that she wouldn't make me sell the house or refinance it yet.
Her parents promised me they would not let her make me sell it.

In the end she convinced them to let her do it apparently. I tried to talk to them once after and let them know what her condition really is but they didn't want to hear it. They had plenty of stories made up, they had already been making up excuses and lies for her their whole life.

The only known trauma she had growing up was mom caught dad cheating when she was around age 10. At that time mom stopped being mom and focused completely on keeping dad.
The second issue, she got pregnant at 15 and left the house to live on her own. Mom and dad say it was her choice, she says she was kicked out.
I honestly never knew who to believe.

She says those things made her a better stronger person but I don't think they did at all.

[Lakebreeze]

This is interesting. My uBPD h rather likes the attention he gets from talking about his neglectful/ verbally abusive/ physically abusive up bringing. He has gone years in the past without speaking to his mother (BPD/narcissistic) but admires his abusive step father. We live 1000miles away so he only speaks on the phone and has told them that he has found the Lord, accepted Jesus and that he is a new creation. Then he gets off the phone and rages at me about not caring about him, etc( stuff he should have said to both his parents).
We have seen 2 marriage counselors. The first he spent 4 sessions talking about his childhood. The second counselor we saw told him he didn't really believe in spending time talking extensively about ones childhood. The past is in the past and it is the to focus on learning healthy Communication and coping to use now. Well uBPDh got raging angry about that and that was the end of that counselor. ( At the counselors recommendation). I talked later by myself to said counselor and he felt that my husband uses his childhood as a bit of an excuse/ distraction for his current behavior. Which is accurate but not really helpful!