rambler27
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: October 10, 2017, 02:08:38 PM » |
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Hello - total newbie here, and found this site after reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells" which was recommended to me by my couples therapist.
I'm a husband and I believe my wife suffers from BPD. I've been married for nearly 11 years, and have always known something was 'off' but the severity has increased over time. My wife has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout her life - she often was unhappy and over the years repeatedly has told me, "I would be happy if you would just ________" (fill in the blank). Two years ago, my wife admitted to having several affairs spanning the prior two years, which I had suspected and inquired about, but she had previously denied. There were 6 total affairs that she admitted to, all of which were emotional affairs. 4 of these lasted several months, and consisted mainly of texting and messaging, with a few lengthy phone calls. The final affair turned physical, which was the reason she eventually gave for deciding to confes. Leading up to the confession, we had been in couples counseling for about 2 years off and on, during which she was self-admittedly was attempting to have a 3rd party facilitate a separation/divorce, under the guise of couples therapy. She struggles with addiction, alcohol and drug abuse, requires constant praise to establish self-worth, and takes no accountability or responsibility for most anything. She has never worked, as she wanted to be a stay-at home mother to our two boys, and after admitting the affairs, she told me she did not want me to leave and would I agree to try to work things out. She is not happy being a stay-at-home mom, and has very little patience with our kids, regularly making one or both of them cry b/c of the way she verbally scolds them, even before 7am when they are getting ready for school. If I leave on a business trip, when I return she idealizes me and tells me how much she missed me and I feel loved. But this is short lived. In our day-to-day lives, she treats me like a roommate on a good day, and on bad days I am the enemy. She consistently fluctuates between wanting to leave the marriage and wanting to work on it. She says she feels a 'void' and she cannot seem to get her act together - cannot complete basic household chores/errands, has been trying to start a business for 3yrs but cannot make any progress without someone holding her accountable. She lives a privilege life, which I'm honored to have helped provide, but one day she says she's the luckiest person and the next she is depressed. She seeks out validation externally, and has zero tolerance for criticism or critique. If someone criticizes her or holds her accountable, she will write them off completely and can switch from love to hate on a dime. Recently she suggested we go to Discernment Therapy to help determine if we would commit to working on our marriage or if we would begin a divorce process. I have been steadfast and willing to work to make things good, and I have concentrated on my own behavior and have ready countless books and articles on the subject. While I dedicate the majority of my life to focus on her happiness, she is mostly unconcerned with my emotional or physical needs, and I honestly can't remember the last time she did anything which showed an interest in my happiness. She regularly demands my assistance with daily life/family management, but tells me she doesn't have time if I ask her to assist me. Up until this point I have been willing to accept the situation and accept that I will not have my needs met, because I do not want to put my kids through a divorce. We do not really fight much, and have not created a toxic environment for my kids, so this is not a scenario in which I believe the kids would be better off if we divorced. She is in a constant state of wavering on whether or not she wants to remain in the marriage. I do love her and have gone above and beyond in attempting to create a happy marriage and family, despite her infidelity and prolonged deception. She has been in individual therapy with a 'positive psychologist' who she realizes has been just a sounding board and someone who would give her positive feedback, but never challenged her to work on anything. She recently took it upon herself to begin seeing a new therapist who she believes will challenge her more - this part is encouraging b/c she has shown some self awareness recently and knows that there is something not entirely right with her. She admits that she puts on an act and most of her friends really think she has her act together, when she is actually struggling with a lot of issues. Our discernment therapist immediately realized there are some mental health issues and believes she suffers from BPD, although she has not been properly diagnosed. At the end of the discernment therapy, we collectively agreed to commit to 4 months of couples therapy which we have started. The problem is, I don't believe the fundamental issue lies with the way we communicate, which is what couples therapy focuses on. Am I wrong in thinking that couples therapy will be ineffective in this case? I originally had resigned to sacrifice having fulfilling relationship in order to avoid putting my kids through a divorce, but the roller coaster and complete ambivalence she has toward my happiness is starting to take it's toll. Most of the time I feel like no matter what I do, I cannot win. I have to be very calculated about how and when to discuss concerns with her, to try to avoid her anger explosions. Any time I have a difference of opinion on something trivial, she views it as an attempt to control her or minimize her, and is mostly incapable of having an 'adult' conversation to peacefully resolve conflict or difference of opinion - taking everything extremely personally. The examples are too numerous to review in the post. To her credit, she has studied a lot on personal development and has even taught classes on mindfulness and meditation, but she feels like a fraud b/c she cannot seem to implement these strategies in her own life. It's like she is two people, but the unhappy one is increasingly prominent. Even a slight disagreement will trigger her to shut me out emotionally and put up her guard expecting to exit the relationship. She admits, and feels guilty for feeling that she's doesn't find joy being with the kids or doing family activities, and the though of us separating is somewhat relieving as she would only have to have the kids 50% of the time. This is incredibly disturbing to me. After the affairs, she threatened that if I told her parents or anyone else, it would push her away from me - she was more concerned with how people perceived her, than she was about my emotional pain and recovery, rarely showing remorse or willingness to check in on me or discuss the affairs. She is horrified of any criticism and can never take responsibility and ownership of mistakes. She would regularly blame me for causing her outbursts of anger, and for her lack of fulfillment. Recently, she's admitted that there is nothing she can blame me for, and that she no longer thinks that any of her unhappiness is due to any shortcomings on my behalf. Since our therapist suggested her behavior sounds a lot like BPD, I have educated myself on it, and for the first time I feel like maybe I'm not totally crazy and not the person she has always told me I was. She has always blamed me for her unhappiness or the void she feels. She tells me she feels like a square peg in a round hole and that she doesn't feel like her lifestyle makes her happy, in the sense of a traditional household. That said, she doesn't know what will make her happy, and she only recently admitted that she is aware of the possibility that she has mental afflictions and may never feel fully happy regardless of whether or not she remains in the marriage. Meanwhile, she has no sex drive (I'm lucky to have physical intimacy with her 1ce/month which is always 100% of the time initiated by me). I'm considering talking to her father about the situation but I've read conflicting advice on this. I have worked on myself and been able to overcome the trauma of the affairs, which I had to do all on my own, realizing that it doesn't matter what I felt she "should" do to assist in my healing. I've also admitted and taken full responsibilities for some behaviors I exhibited that may have contributed to her not feeling fulfilled, and have changed those after significant self work - and she acknowledges that. There may be several things at work here, and I'm not even positive if BPD is one of them. She has been on meds before for depression/anxiety, but nothing really seemed to work. I'm hoping perhaps someone on this thread can offer some insight or guidance. Is it even possible for me to have a fulfilling relationship? It's tough when I give, give, give and while I don't expect much in return, I don't even get a card on my birthday (certainly not a gift) or a thank you for lavish vacations I provide for my family. Thank you in advance for any feedback, I feel like I'm riding a rollercoaster and any decision I make will have some very negative implications - like I'm stuck b/w a rock and a hard place. It feels like a true no-win situation.
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