Sister constantly demanding info

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My uBPD sister has a tendency to try to control people, particularly our mom. (We both still live at home. I could move out but so far have stayed for reasons I won't take the time to go into.) At any rate, my sister expects to know where everything my mom buys came from. No piece of jewelry will go unquestioned. She will even want to know what everyone home on a given day ate for meals if she wasn't there. Basically, she doesn't like it when my mom does anything fun if she isn't present, particularly if my mom and I do anything together. My mom realizes that her demands are ridiculous, but she can't think of a way to refuse the demands without either being rude or sparking a huge blow-up. I know that her controlling behavior is really getting to our mom. Any suggestions/similar experiences?

[Avriel]

My uBPD sister has a tendency to try to control people, particularly our mom. (We both still live at home. I could move out but so far have stayed for reasons I won't take the time to go into.) At any rate, my sister expects to know where everything my mom buys came from. No piece of jewelry will go unquestioned. She will even want to know what everyone home on a given day ate for meals if she wasn't there. Basically, she doesn't like it when my mom does anything fun if she isn't present, particularly if my mom and I do anything together. My mom realizes that her demands are ridiculous, but she can't think of a way to refuse the demands without either being rude or sparking a huge blow-up. I know that her controlling behavior is really getting to our mom. Any suggestions/similar experiences?

[Turkish]

It would be tough to live with them and see this play out.  It would be hard not to get involved.

Have you seen the discussion on triangulation? It might be useful:

Our Dysfunctional Roles with Others



Read our feature article here:

Triangulation can involve just two people as well,  they shifting roles. 

Tell us what you think after reading about it.  Not all Triangulation is bad either,  as explained of you follow the quote link.  The challenge is to engage in a healthy manner. 

[Rock Chick]

My uBPD sister has a tendency to try to control people, particularly our mom. At any rate, my sister expects to know where everything my mom buys came from. She will even want to know what everyone home on a given day ate for meals if she wasn't there. Basically, she doesn't like it when my mom does anything fun if she isn't present, particularly if my mom and I do anything together. My mom realizes that her demands are ridiculous, but she can't think of a way to refuse the demands without either being rude or sparking a huge blow-up.

My bf's malignant BPD etc 54 yr old mother also has a tendency to control or at the very least try to control people and situations etc. Up until end of last month my bf's mother lived with him in the apartment they shared. When the lease was up he got a new lease for same apartment but got a roommate and his mom well she lives at a shelter until Interact or someone can find her a place that is available that is income based, doesnt care she has lil or no credit nor that she has a history of ouils/duis etc. My bf's mother wants to know every detail of every second of my bfs (sometimes mine and my bfs siblings) day/week/etc (beyond what would be considered normal etc... .its not just a hey how was your day kind of thing). She wants to know his work schedule (asks several times a day sometimes even though she knows it already), she wants to know what he did and who he was with when he was away from her and the apartment, what he spent his money on and so much more. She treats him more like a father and husband than her son. She gets very jealous etc of everything he does, everywhere he goes, everything he owns, everything that happens to him, everyone in his life (friends, me, etc) he spends time with oh the list goes on. She is so malignant BPD etc that you cant even take her out into society she cant function like a normal or even slightly below normal human being. She acts out, throws hissy fits, yells, rages, insults, lies, gets in cars with strangers, takes advantage of ppls kindness, thinks someone is her friend if they give her a cookie etc. She once told a cashier at a major retail chain that my bf hits her abuses her etc. Which he does NOT do at all. I had to tell the lady that my bfs mom was just joking and has a weird sense of humor but I dont think the lady knew how to take what my bfs mother said and Idk if she totally believed me.

[Avriel]

It would be tough to live with them and see this play out.  It would be hard not to get involved.

Have you seen the discussion on triangulation? It might be useful:

Triangulation can involve just two people as well,  they shifting roles. 

Tell us what you think after reading about it.  Not all Triangulation is bad either,  as explained of you follow the quote link.  The challenge is to engage in a healthy manner. 

I was kind of the enforcer when I was a teenager--oldest child trying to get my younger siblings, including the two PD ones, to behave--but since my uBPD sister and uNPD brother went to college, I've had to learn the hard way to avoid trying to solve problems they cause. I'm not always successful (if they start emotionally abusing our youngest brothers, I feel like I have to step in), but I'm trying hard. Given my PD siblings' complaints that I avoid them/am no longer fun, I think I'm probably succeeding in staying out of most of the drama. In this case, my sister goes after my mom, not me--often when I'm not around--so I haven't been very involved.

I can see where my sister cycles through all three roles at various times. When she tries to take the rescuer role, it's very uncomfortable: the solutions she suggests to my problems typically wouldn't work, and her attempts to "rescue" my mom usually end up smothering her. My mom tries to avoid being "rescued" by my sister as much as possible. I think Mom is trying to stay in the center position, but she slips back into the rescuer position at times. It can be a challenge for her to protect herself, though. She is more likely to keep to the center position if she believes my sister is doing something wrong or unwise. Unfortunately, she was raised not to protect herself, and after having spent most of her adult life in an abusive marriage, she has difficulty recognizing that she needs to focus on keeping herself healthy for her own sake, because she has that right as a human being. My sister's demands for information make her uncomfortable, but since asking for information is not morally wrong, my mom doesn't believe she can ask my sister to back off.

I've suggested that she find a way to communicate that the way my sister requests information is a problem, but Mom doesn't believe she can do that without being rude or creating future problems. The demands are definitely causing her a lot of tension, though, and they end up making me tense also, because I know that any time I spend with Mom that doesn't include my sister is going to be scrutinized. But time I spend alone with Mom is also one of the few times she feels safe enough to relax.