Hi New Guy

[Pequeno]

Hi all

I suspect everything I could say has been heard over and again. Anyway.

I'm fours years post break up with a non diagnosed (so far as I'm aware though I suspect otherwise) BPDx. I've been in a relationship for over three years, with a woman that has the patient of a saint, given the persistent conflict driven by my x.

I have a 5 year old child with x, therefore I am compellled to retain contact. Beyond the usual, unreasonable, never ending tactics of the BPD, I am having to watch my child descend into a hot mess of mental health issues, and him only 5.

He chews his lips into a mess, his fingers, toes, he has a constant, nervous cough. I am occasionally rung up by his mum as he's hysterical and cannot be calmed, and the x is panicking (super fearful of anyone figuring her out) in case he won't stop and someone steps in - the hysterics are caused by, I suspect, her incessant need to control him in every way, his thoughts, response, behaviour, everything, and he, at times, cannot cope.

His school have intimated there are 'concerns around mum'. His old childminder had concerns about mum. Our child is odd, other children sense it, it's in his behaviour, his demeanour, it's almost unnatural. I have tried social services. His GP. I have tried to be the voice dozens of times, and I feel utterly impotent when it comes to helping him.

He states he knows his mum tells lies, that he no longer tells her he wants to live with me because 'mummy panics daddy, so I don't tell her anymore'. So many things I'd be here all day.

Currently at stalemate yet again, because I stupidly let her bait me into losing my temper. Now she cannot allow me to have our child as she is 'terrified due to the threats, plus I can't allow our son around you given your aggressive behaviour' - yes I got mad (though I did not threaten her), her choice of boyfriend is a well known drug dealer (previous boyfriend was a drug addict), and she constantly dictates, controls, nit picks, you name it, and all the while she has taken our son into a dark and potentially violent world simply because the drug dealer boyfriend is ridiculously loaded and she loves the 'prestige' that she thinks comes with having a lot of money.

So my main concern is our boy. He's disappearing. And she continues, unabated, to abuse him mentally and emotionally.

And she has fallen back on her usual 'I'm the victim' tactic - she insists to all and sundry that I violently attacked her time and again, AFTER, we split up, our son included, despite no charges ever been brought, or convictions, or history of before or since - but that is her truth and by god she will stick to it. As much as it pains me to say it, I was the victim of domestic violence, I just never told anyone because I'm 6' 3 and she's about 5' 5 and who would have believed me then, or even now?

Helpful advice most welcome.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Pequeno and Welcome  

I can feel the anguish in your post.  What you describe is a really difficult situation and I feel for you, as it's clear you really love your son and want him to have the best upbringing and environment possible.  It must be so painful to see him being affected in this way and I'm sure you have real concerns over the activities of your ex's partner around him.  What are the current arrangements for your son's care - how much time does he spend with yourself and your partner?  I think it's really important that you remain a calm and balanced influence on your son, and show him a stable and healthy way of life when he is with you, so that he gets the benefit of this.  Would you want to have full custody?

You mention a lot of tension and anger between yourself and your ex.  I'd suggest taking a good look at the basic relationship skills to help you to reduce the conflict in your communication, allowing you to get her to be more receptive to conversation around your son.  At the end of the day, you both have one thing in common here and your son's well being is paramount, so he is worth the effort, as it will help him enormously to see the two of you getting along better and taking out the conflict.  It's hard for a child to be stuck in the middle of a situation where there is tension between separated parents and we have to work especially hard at this.  I know (trust me) how difficult that can be, and we won't get it right all of the time but it's going to help that we try our best.

What response did you get from social services?  It sounds as though there is a good case for investigation into your son's living arrangements if there are others flagging up concerns apart from yourself.  At this time I'd encourage you to lead by example in the contact between yourself and your ex.  If she goes on the attack, keep it brief, informative, friendly and firm.  There's a great thread on this here.  Ensure you are giving your son plenty of love and validation (see side menu of first link I gave you) so that he feels heard and understood.  Try to give him everything a 5 year old needs in the form of a stable environment, consistent routine and boundaries so that he can feel secure when he is with you.  

It's good that you reached out here.  I'm confident that you'll get some great advice and direction.  Take good care of yourself in all of this so that you can be strong for your son and the father that he needs you to be.  One who has it together and can be a positive influence on him.

Keep posting.  We're here for you whilst you go through this.  You're not alone.

Love and light x  

[Panda39]

Hi Pequeno,
 
I want to join Harley Quinn and welcome you to a BPD Family 

I'm sorry you're seeing these changes in your son, I can sure understand how painful that is to see.   Does your son's school have a school counselor that he could talk with?  Have you ever considered therapy for him?

Do you have a custody agreement through the courts?  How are you communicating with your ex?  Is it verbal, text, email?  Up until your ex's latest games how often have you been able to see your son?

Okay, that's the end of my questions for now    Just trying to get a picture of your situation.

Currently at stalemate yet again, because I stupidly let her bait me into losing my temper. Now she cannot allow me to have our child as she is 'terrified due to the threats, plus I can't allow our son around you given your aggressive behaviour' - yes I got mad (though I did not threaten her)... .

Don't beat yourself up people with BPD (pwBPD) can be masters at pushing our buttons. 

One tool that can help these arguments from escalating is to not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) below is more information on JADE
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

As you recognized you took the bait, and it is bait, pwBPD want to up the drama and by not JADING you are lowering the drama.  You aren't giving more fuel to the fire.  You know whatever she is saying is false, so don't spend your energy arguing with her... .don't JADE.

As much as it pains me to say it, I was the victim of domestic violence, I just never told anyone because I'm 6' 3 and she's about 5' 5 and who would have believed me then, or even now?

I know that there is a lot of stigma around men being physically abused by women but I believe you. You are not alone in being physically abused, other members here have experienced this are are currently experiencing this.  You not retaliating says a lot about the kind of man you are  The love you show for your son also says a lot about what kind of man you are!   If your ex is anything like my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) she is probably trying to convince you that you are "less than", less than a good boyfriend, less than a good dad... .Don't buy it!  Don't give her your confidence, don't give her power over you.

Before I go I also wanted to give you some resources that can help you support your son... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

I'm really glad you decided to jump in and post, it's always great to have a new member everyone makes their own special contributions to the over all group.  I look forward to hearing more from you. 

Take Care,
Panda39

[livednlearned]

Really painful, I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this

What kind of custody arrangement do you have with your ex?

Any chance your son can get in to see a therapist? The sooner the better, especially if a child is emotionally sensitive, which is not out of the ordinary when there is a BPD parent and the genetics that tend to go with.

Sounds like you have some compassionate witnesses who want to help. Are you in a position to get more custody?

[Radcliff]

As much as it pains me to say it, I was the victim of domestic violence, I just never told anyone because I'm 6' 3 and she's about 5' 5 and who would have believed me then, or even now?

Pequeno, I believe you.  If a man is committed to the physical safety of everyone in his home (e.g. not willing to defend himself with force), his partner does not respect normal boundaries, and he is committed to staying in the home to be close to the children, he is completely vulnerable to physical abuse.

What is your current custody arrangement with your son?  What days or percentage of time do you have with him?

Wentworth

[Pequeno]

Thank you for your replies.

Contact ... .it's currently Sunday/Monday school drop off. Wednesday school pick up, through to Friday school drop off.

Until last week it was Wednesday though Friday, Sunday/Monday school drop one week, Saturday/Sunday/Monday school drop off - straight 50/50.

She changed contact, no negotiation, last week. Told me 'this is the way it is going to be, until you either take me to court or kill me as you keep threatening to do' - I haven't and don't threaten to kill her.

Anyway. Contact can go along ok for a while, she will suddenly decide to change it around. She will bombard with dozens and dozens of texts, some are biblical in length, as to why she ''needs to be with her only son more as it's killing her not being with him enough'. There appears to be no rhyme or reason to the changes - she'll suddenly start a few weeks of conflict, then change it regardless.

Regarding help from outside sources. School were neutral. Very. They listened but that was it. Same at the doctors. Neutral. So once again, trying to elicit a response in his favour is nigh on impossible.

As of the recent contact change, my lad has stopped eating again. He exists on a few mouthfuls of fruit or bread, and fluids. It's incredibly painful to watch - did I mention he has an undiagnosed eating disorder?

Will eat less than ten or twelve foods, even then very tiny amounts, and his anguish at mealtimes is apparent. He hates eating, doesn't enjoy food, and every mouthful, is quite hard for him.

xBPD has also recently been thoroughly mauled by my wife. The abuse, denigration, control, dealing with the behavioural problems my son experiences, trying to support me through all of this well, it became too much. My wife has always tried to keep communication open with xBPD, but the persistent strain has made her unwell.

So she contacted her and informed her that she is no longer welcome to communicate with her, she is no longer going to tolerate her attempts to control, inflame, etc, she will no longer tolerate her constant references to how many times I've beaten her up, attacked our son, threatened to harm or kill her, the manipulation, she got it all out there.

xBPD has definitely become more hateful and hellbent since that point (approximately 5 weeks back). She genuinely believed that my wife liked and respected her. Being called out was a massive sledgehammer blow,and she's clearly not taken it well.

She now inserts 'Amy you will NOT take my son away from me, I will fight to my last breath for him, he is MY son, you have no say or importance in his life,you are NOTHING,' every so many messages whereby she thinks it's relevant to do so.

My wife has three children of her own, two of whom are boys. Normal, happy, well adjusted young men, in fact they're everything I know my son willl not be given how things are progressing for him right now.

So anyway ... .I'm going off topic. I will look at the JADE method. I know xBPD is a persuasive Blamer, as well as definitely using DARVO, even after four long years, and I do need to try and avoid getting drawn into her high conflict merry go round.

Thank you all once again

[Radcliff]

Pequeno,

What do you mean, "changed contact?"  Is she no longer following the custody schedule?

Have you contacted social services?  One low-stakes way to do it would be to contact them and make an appointment to go in to talk to them just for information.  Say you have some concerns, and you want to understand their process, what they look for, etc.  Asking for information is a very easy thing to do, and you don't come off as if you want them to take action, which they'd be more cautious about.  You'd also make a good impression as a guy who cares about his kid and wants to do the right thing.  You'd learn what they care about and what they don't, what concerns you might raise that might matter to them, etc.  Once you've learned that, you could start documenting and preparing yourself to talk to them with a report.

If she is not following the custody schedule, that would be cause for immediate action.  Is that a problem?

Wentworth