Whenever he pulls away, gets distant on me or gets cold, what should I do?

[PeacefulCareBear]

Whenever he pulls away, gets distant on me or gets cold, what should I do? Should I leave him alone for a bit? Should I try talking to him? I'm confused sometimes on what to do to be honest.

Anytime I do try to talk to him, he ends up getting mad or irritated which ends up making things worse. It's hard to talk to him or reasoning with him whenever he's in this mind set.

He gets suspicious that I'm cheating on him at times or talking to other men when I'm not. He's the only man I want to be with and I love very very much.   I reassure him and he ends up telling me he was simply being paranoid and apologizes. I've known him for so long now and I know he has a hard time trusting people and constantly fears he'll end up getting hurt. His old girlfriend's cheated on him or ended up leaving him. I'm very patient with him and when I do talk to him, I'm very calm.

Our relationship is great and we do share lots of great conversations. The only time we seem to struggle is when he's paranoid. Whenever he gets paranoid, worried or stressed out he pulls away from me and I won't hear from him for a bit. I'm always very understanding when he's like this. However he's very cold towards me during these times.

So what's the best thing I should do? I'd just like some advice on how other people get through it.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[foggydew]

Hi! From my experience, when he pulls away, he needs time for himself, time to organise his thoughts, time to be away from people so he doesn't disregulate. When my UBPD person does that, I wait for a few days then reach out non-commitally, with something non-emotional, not referring to his situation or his withdrawal. When he feels ok, he gets in contact again. If he feels the slightest push-pull, he's off. Tried it tonight again, worked perfectly. He was poised to disappear, but because I made it clear I didn't expect him to stay, he sat down and ate with me and talked a fair bit.

[isilme]

I give H his space when he is like this.  BPD has a lot of push/pull.  When you are being pushed away, find things you enjoy on your own, take care of things you may neglect at other times.  He wants to be left alone, I take care of some chores, read a book, work on a project, do some yard work, run errands, get my hair cut, etc.  In this case, the more you try to reassure, to spend time with him, the more he will push you away.  We all need space, and a pwBPD expresses it badly, sadly.  The dynamic of the relationship is to fall towards enmeshment, which can make the pwBPD feels secure that YOU need THEM, but they don't' want to need you - because you might abandon them, they need to pretend you can be dropped at any time. 

[PeacefulCareBear]

Yeah I'm beginning to pick up on his behavior. He's very hot and cold in our relationship. When he's cold, sometimes he'll respond but it'll be very brief and quick, examples: "Okay, ." "Cool." "I'm on my way home."

Very quick and to the point answers. I usually just respond to him. Right now I'm listening to music and I'm about to dye my hair. Yes I think it's always good to start doing other things. I don't mind anyone needing space because I love having my own space but I've definitely picked up on his cold behavior. Once I go back to my hobbies and keeping myself busy, he'll start messaging me like crazy, telling me he misses me, asking me if I'm there or if I'm mad at him and what I've been up too.

When he first disappeared on him, I mentioned his behavior to him and he ended up disappearing on me yet again. So now I don't even bother mentioning it to him. It's just something he'll need to work with his therapist and I'm sure eventually we'll talk about it over time.

I remember once when I didn't answer him, he ended up messaging me saying, "Fine just ignore me! I know when I'm not wanted!"Anytime he gets like this, I always try to calm him down and tell him that I'd never ignore him. He always ends up apologizing and told me he just sometimes gets really paranoid.