Disregulating and how to deal with it

[foggydew]

Friend just visited me, bringing a piece of equipment he had just picked up. Apparently he had a bad experience getting it, and didn't want to talk about it - or anything. Fine. I let him get on with it, helped when he asked me for something, spoke little, because he was concentrating - but it went wrong. The thing didn't work. He asked me to help again, but I didn't understand what I was supposed to do, so there was a bit of invalidating from him - the he tried again... .and again no joy. The equipment and a chair flew across the room. I remained calm, waited a few minutes and tried validating his anger - I'd feel pretty angry too. He slowly quietened down, left, and apologised as he was leaving.
But it is frightening when he is like that. Is there anything I can do to nip such scenes in the bud? It would happen whether I was there or not, it is not connected to me, but I would like to defuse such things and protect my surroundings. I don't think he is able to control his impulse at such a time - it is as if the volcano has been building up under the self control - and then it breaks out.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[smart_storm26]

Hello foggydew,

Sad to know what you went through. Your friend might be suffering from BPD and having the disorder is not his fault. However his 'emotional volcano' is still 'his problem' and its him who needs to take responsibility and work on it. As a friend you can support him and discuss with him (without belittling him) on how such behaviors are not acceptable to you and he needs to work on it. You can even suggest him therapy that might help him control his outbursts. However whether he takes therapy or not is his responsibility. You can only support and suggest, not fix him. If he doesn't take your suggestion and continues such behavior, you may have to stop being friends with him for your own welfare.

[foggydew]

Thanks for your answer, smart storm. Of course you are right, but not being friends is not an option. It's a lot more complicated (as usual). I've gently suggested therapy numerous times, and he has had therapy for other reasons (which helped a lot). Yes, it is his responsibility. I used to think it was alcohol related, but it is not. He was stone cold sober this time. Today he was back to normal (whatever that may be), but I was hoping against hope that there is SOMETHING I can use to get him back on this planet when the disregulation begins. He is so much better now... (and so am I).

[pearlsw]

Hi foggydew, As I'm reading your post I am concerned about your friend's violent response. When I was 17 my first sweetheart/boyfriend used to go outside and chop wood when he was mad, and I think one time he punched a hole in his closet door. But even at that age I found this a bit disturbing and not something I wanted to be around. I only saw the wood chopping, not when he punched the closet. Such destruction was not in my repertoire and I spent time just talking things over with him. I am lucky, he didn't bring any violence into our relationship when we later lived together.

Anger is a powerful emotion and not one to let run amok. Do you think you could talk to your friend about anger management? I am sure there are plenty of free videos one could find on this topic. I would present it as a way to help him feel better and more in control. I know control is probably extremely hard for him, but you gotta reign in violence in any form I believe. I later had a boyfriend with some BPD traits and he would punch himself - really hard! His anger was incredibly frightening. Although it was not directed at me it still brought things down. He was suffering terribly I could see, but I was really shocked and didn't know what to suggest. He assured me it would never be directed at me, it was just something he did to himself. I wish now I could have helped him with his dysregulation. He felt deep shame over how he acted at these times. It was so tragic!

Whatever is going on he really needs help!

[pearlsw]

Oh wait, there is a link to a video on Anger on this site. Let me see if I can find it!

Ah, here it is: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304173.0

What do you think?

[livednlearned]

The equipment and a chair flew across the room. I remained calm, waited a few minutes and tried validating his anger - I'd feel pretty angry too... .I don't think he is able to control his impulse at such a time - it is as if the volcano has been building up under the self control - and then it breaks out.

Hi foggydew,

Have you tried talking to him about his behaviors when he is not angry?

If not, how would you feel about saying something along the lines of, "I know anger can feel overwhelming, and you end up throwing things. I care about our relationship, and I care about myself too much to put us in a situation where things escalate like that. Next time it feels like anger is building, I'm going to step out of the room and cool off. I'll come back when it feels safe."

From what you wrote, it sounds like his feelings build up (volcano), something that you may sense just as much as he does. Even angry people can find a safer outlet when their feelings are intensifying. And you can choose to leave when you feel uncertain about his ability to channel his anger.

What are your thoughts?

[foggydew]

Thanks for your help. I looked at some, but not all, of the video (I have seen it before) and decided it applies fine to me, but I could never get either the video or the ideas across to him. What I did get from you all is that it is really his problem and I will have to talk to him about what can get him out of this modus. I don't have a lot of hope though. Something that happens fairly often is that he asks me to slap his head so that he can think properly or remember something. I talked to my sis in law about this, and she says she often works with young people who have to get 'grounded' by a physical sensation... .getting hold of an ice cube, jumping up suddenly... .this sounds like something which he might take aboard if I can pack it up in the right way. I'd not want to give him a slap in such a situation! It ties in with your boyfriend punching himself, Pearlsw.
It is really frightening and I have left sometimes when it was directed at me, though he has never hit me. Or anyone, as far as I know. He has smashed things intentionally, however, even though he was the one who suffered from it.
It is difficult to say how self-aware he is. Sometimes we can talk about things and I'm surprised at his insight. He uses meditative music at night to calm himself down, too. And yet often he just blocks everything and blames everyone and everything else.