A partner who has "given up"

[fork_and_spoon]

"I've begged you to help me for so long and you haven't so I've given up."

I've been hearing this from my partner for a while now - we've been together 8 years and I've been noticing symptoms of BPD since we started living together 3 years ago (no official diagnosis or treatment though). I've always been an enabler, and a coddler, trying to fix things with love, because that's the kind of person I am. Of course it's made things worse. I love him with my whole heart and want only for him to be emotionally stable, safe, and able to function beyond sitting on the couch all day in emotional pain. But when we are having a moment where he feels that he can talk to me, the conversation always goes back to that he's given up on everything - our relationship, all hope, and his own life. He talks and thinks obsessively about wanting to die. He says that I had a chance to help him and chose not to, and if that's what he believes in his heart, then he must feel so unloved and betrayed and worthless - I can see why giving up looks so attractive. In the past, I've taken off work at the drop of a hat when he feels bad, and I can't do that anymore. In his mind, that means my job is more important than he is. It isn't, but I don't make much above the minimum needed to support the two of us, so missing days is not an option. 

He feels like dirt - an understatement for sure. Usually when I try to talk to him he tells me to "f*** off" because I don't understand - many times a day. I try to validate, but he says I'm being condescending. He tells me to move out so he can finally let go of the last thing holding him here. He's only 31 and has already lost his parents and many other loved ones (his mother to a horrific battle with cancer when he was barely a teenager, and his father at only 65 to dementia). The pain of those losses overwhelms him and takes over his life. His grief, and the poor coping strategies he's used to deal with it for so many years, seems to finally have caught up with him. 

He begs me to help him, or screams at me to leave. I will not leave him. I lost a friend with BPD to suicide less than 9 months ago - she was a dear, loving, kind person who I had known for 20 years. I know I can't force him into treatment, or make him find hope, or do anything other than stand by his side and not leave him when he's hurting. But I'm so frightened. What do I say when he tells me he's given up? How do I help when he begs for it?   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Meili]

That sounds like a very difficult position to be in fork_and_spoon. My heart goes out to you.

There is a workshop here on Suicide ideation in others that may prove helpful. It discusses things to and not to do in that situation.

Has he made any suicidal attempts in the past?

What kinds of things do you say that he feels are condescending? Maybe we can help you find a better way to validate the valid.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi fork_and_spoon, 

Thank you for coming and sharing your heart with us. I can hear the struggle going on within you, and also the pain that you are dealing with and seeing in the one you love who is hurting too.  You've mentioned that he talks about wanting to die. Have you talked openly with him about this, about if he has a plan? What you learn from such a conversation can help you and guide you. The link that Meili shared with you has some very helpful guidance, especially when you are unsure of the right words or what to say or not to say.

I think it is really tough to know how to respond to someone who is as depressed as your partner sounds. My DH also has severe depression, and like you, I have been an enabler as well. It was all I knew. I'd put an emotional crutch under one side of him, then run around and put another crutch under the other side, even if he threw the crutch right back at me. He has not been suicidal, but my uBPDm was, and our middle D has been suicidal more than once. I get how helpless you feel because I've felt that way too.

From what you shared, he is blaming you for not helping him.

"I've begged you to help me for so long and you haven't so I've given up."

Do you feel a lot of guilt as a result, or that you are responsible for his wanting to give up? I have felt that way more than once. It becomes hard to separate oneself from what is your responsibility and what is his. However, it is important that you separate what is yours to own and what is his to own, especially in such difficult circumstances. Anyone in your situation would feel tremendously challenged, as I did especially with our daughter. Even if I didn't know the best path, I did what I could do. We sought help for her and made sure she was safe and that someone was with her.

Is your partner open to getting outside help? Are you getting any outside help in addition to this site? Please let us know how you are doing.

 
Wools