BPDs and their children

[AskingWhy]

I read somewhere that BPDs are often enmeshed with their children, and this is also the case with NPDs.

The children are seen as extensions of the pwBPD.  There are several articles on this site dealing with parental enmeshment.

The BPD pr NPD values the children more than the spouse.  The non-spouse or partner is the target of abuse and rage, while the children are idealized and often become like surrogate spouses to the BPD/NPD.

I have experience this in my own situation and it never ceases to amaze me the amount of atention/money H will spend on his adult children, one of whom is likely BPD, too.  I imagine much of this is caused by guilt over the divorce from the ex W.

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[Turkish]

I take it that you're referring to the articles here: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent

My T reminded me that "enmeshment" implies a pathology.  The dysfunctional attachments that we view may not cross over into a diagnosable pathology, even if unhealthy.

My mother tried,  after a fashion,  but I resisted from a young age. It depends also upon the individual.  Though talking about The Golden Child or The Black Sheep can help put things in perspective,  it's helpful to dig deeper. 

I like Bowen's summary of differentiation #2  It explains a lot: https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/

We can delve into the psychology of this,  making educated guesses, but at the end of the day,  how can this help improve your relationship?

[AskingWhy]

Thank you for the links,  Turkish.

Both my uBPD/uNPD H and one of his daughters have BPD traits.  He is enmeshed with his children to the extreme.

When they visit, I all but cease to exist to my H.  He will sit with them and exclude me from their conversations, only talking to me to bring food, drinks, etc.

I use these times to go to other parts of the house.  I know when I am not wanted.  

Several of his children text and phone him several times a day, and they are now all adults.  When I was their age, I contacted my parents once a week.  It's like he is their friend and not their father.  

One year one of his daughters (the suspected BPD) sent him a sexually-suggestive birthday card that was more suitable from an intimate partner than a daughter.  H failed to see how inappropriate this was and said I was being too sensitive.

As for my relationship with my H, I don't like his children meddling in my marriage, especially the BPD daughter.  :)ealing with a BPD H is quite enough without the attention-getting of a drama queen.  

[MeandThee29]

My children (now young adults) withdrew from my BPD/NPD spouse during their teenage years. I have to say that I'm thankful for that. Behind their backs, he despised them once they came into their own. My younger one figured it out at 13. Both went no contact when we separated.

[WildernessMan]

Asking why -

Yeah my situation is the same. My wife focuses only on our kids and none on our relationship. Which has caused significant issues in our marriage.

She continuously drives wedges between me and our kids. She dotes on them all the time and makes sure I am outside that circle. It's an awful feeling but I have always been powerless to change it.

I feel for you. Just know BPD is likely the cause and its not your fault.

[AskingWhy]

Thank you for the observations.

WildernessMan, I appreciate your understanding.

When I married H, he was loving and attentive as the children were very young and were thousands of miles away with the xW.  I married H several years after his divorce and never knew xW.  As the children grew to adolescence and adulthood (especially the daughters), H began to see them as taking precedence over me in my own household.  The daughters ordered H to divorce me.  The son has no issues with me and is happy thar I am faithful to his father.  (xW of H found a lover while he was overseas in the military, then married that lover.)

At least one of the daughters is BPD and another is NPD.  

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother split one of us black- me and there is a Golden Child- her favorite. Her preference for this child- over other people in the family is obvious.

She's an elderly widow and needs assistance now. He escorted her to an event she wanted to attend- not an unusual thing for a grown son to do for his mother and a very nice thing to do. We all agreed it was the right thing to do for her.

It was creepy to hear her talk about it. To him, he was just doing something nice for our mother. He would say things like " I had a good time" "she seemed to enjoy herself"

But she said things like " we had a wonderful time ". It sounded like she was talking about just her and him as a couple, but it was a group event, not the two of them. There was no "I did, or I liked" or "he did ,or he liked" it was only "we". " we enjoyed the lunch, and we enjoyed speaking to so and so, and we thought the food was great."

So I agree they can be enmeshed with a child, but not all their children. There can be a favorite child. I also wonder if gender makes a difference as well as personality of the child.