Awakening to BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

First, a tremendous thank you to everyone who helped establish this website, which has been of great help to me over the last few weeks.

A few weeks ago my wife and partner of 10 years told me she believed she might have BPD. It was a series of events since then that prompted me to do research and find this forum. My purpose in being here is to create some safe space in my life to anonymously discuss coping with my BPD relationship and find ways to help my family.

A little background before I discuss those events. We live in my wife's home country, where I speak the language well and can get about well enough. About 3 years ago, my wife gave up her job to take care of our then baby son and we've since added a daughter. Neither of us has any family here to help us, and we don't like daycare or nannies after trying them for a year, so I took a six month leave to be at home just before she left her job and I went back to work. In her view, I prompted her need to do this through not taking a longer leave, which would have certainly meant losing my job. I know this because I took a one year leave when my daughter was born to be with my wife and did end up losing my job.

She believes I am eternally selfish and never thinks of others. I acknowledge sacrificing my job may have been the more responsible thing to do. Because my wife's field has extremely few openings in her country and one must pass a very difficult examination process to be accepted.  I expressed that I was perfectly willing to remain at home while our children were small if my wife got a job that could support us.The result is that after years of effort (with all the support I could give), my wife has not yet been able to get back into her field. Eventually the savings ran out and I needed to go back to work. This has caused intense frustration, depression, and resentment on her part; add on to that taking care of two often very difficult little children, her pain is not unjustified.

The symptoms of her BPD, if that's what it is, have intensified recently, and she has just starting seeing a therapist. A few examples: cutting up my work shirts and sending me photos while at work demanding I come home so she can have a day off, binge drinking that results in blackouts, sometimes while taking care of the kids, suicide threats that prompt me to drop my work and come home (which had consequences), deciding to sue our son's former kindergarten teacher and demanding me to inform them. Finally during an argument a few days ago I broke down, screamed, and tried to tear my hair out, all in view of our son. That's when I knew I needed to create some safe space for myself and get help. 

These fits of rage are always laced with the notion that I am to blame for all of the problems in my life and that I need to fix them, NOW. But most feel beyond my fixing. I can't find a job for her. And I can't quit mine. I am always struggling to find a direction for our family because I never know what she really needs. Right now she wants me to move out with my son into a small apartment for a while so she can have more space to recover. I want to do it if it will help her, but I really don't know what will help her and I don't know how to talk to her about it. I know she is suffering but I don't know how much comes from outside and how much from inside. I am lost. 

On the positive side, I am looking back on my life and rewriting my memories and my views on myself. Not just of the last 10 years but of my whole life (I'm starting to believe my mother also had BPD or something close). I have done too many bad things in the name of her anger that I regret. Cutting off ties with family, threatening teachers with lawsuits, even refusing to let my grandmother to see her great grandchildren on FaceTime, which broke her heart. She died six months later of sudden illness, and I do not believe it was a coincidence.   

I hope I can gain insights here on how to navigate this terrifying but oftentimes still beautiful relationship. I do love my wife and have no plans to leave her, especially in light of the fact that we have two kids and she is a great wife and mother when in her right mind. I need help learning how to sort fact from fiction to make good decisions, not just respond to threats. I hope my experience can also be of help to others here. 

Thank you.   
         

[RolandOfEld]

First, a tremendous thank you to everyone who helped establish this website, which has been of great help to me over the last few weeks.

A few weeks ago my wife and partner of 10 years told me she believed she might have BPD. It was a series of events since then that prompted me to do research and find this forum. My purpose in being here is to create some safe space in my life to anonymously discuss coping with my BPD relationship and find ways to help my family.

A little background before I discuss those events. We live in my wife's home country, where I speak the language well and can get about well enough. About 3 years ago, my wife gave up her job to take care of our then baby son and we've since added a daughter. Neither of us has any family here to help us, and we don't like daycare or nannies after trying them for a year, so I took a six month leave to be at home just before she left her job and I went back to work. In her view, I prompted her need to do this through not taking a longer leave, which would have certainly meant losing my job. I know this because I took a one year leave when my daughter was born to be with my wife and did end up losing my job.

She believes I am eternally selfish and never thinks of others. I acknowledge sacrificing my job may have been the more responsible thing to do. Because my wife's field has extremely few openings in her country and one must pass a very difficult examination process to be accepted.  I expressed that I was perfectly willing to remain at home while our children were small if my wife got a job that could support us.The result is that after years of effort (with all the support I could give), my wife has not yet been able to get back into her field. Eventually the savings ran out and I needed to go back to work. This has caused intense frustration, depression, and resentment on her part; add on to that taking care of two often very difficult little children, her pain is not unjustified.

The symptoms of her BPD, if that's what it is, have intensified recently, and she has just starting seeing a therapist. A few examples: cutting up my work shirts and sending me photos while at work demanding I come home so she can have a day off, binge drinking that results in blackouts, sometimes while taking care of the kids, suicide threats that prompt me to drop my work and come home (which had consequences), deciding to sue our son's former kindergarten teacher and demanding me to inform them. Finally during an argument a few days ago I broke down, screamed, and tried to tear my hair out, all in view of our son. That's when I knew I needed to create some safe space for myself and get help. 

These fits of rage are always laced with the notion that I am to blame for all of the problems in my life and that I need to fix them, NOW. But most feel beyond my fixing. I can't find a job for her. And I can't quit mine. I am always struggling to find a direction for our family because I never know what she really needs. Right now she wants me to move out with my son into a small apartment for a while so she can have more space to recover. I want to do it if it will help her, but I really don't know what will help her and I don't know how to talk to her about it. I know she is suffering but I don't know how much comes from outside and how much from inside. I am lost. 

On the positive side, I am looking back on my life and rewriting my memories and my views on myself. Not just of the last 10 years but of my whole life (I'm starting to believe my mother also had BPD or something close). I have done too many bad things in the name of her anger that I regret. Cutting off ties with family, threatening teachers with lawsuits, even refusing to let my grandmother to see her great grandchildren on FaceTime, which broke her heart. She died six months later of sudden illness, and I do not believe it was a coincidence.   

I hope I can gain insights here on how to navigate this terrifying but oftentimes still beautiful relationship. I do love my wife and have no plans to leave her, especially in light of the fact that we have two kids and she is a great wife and mother when in her right mind. I need help learning how to sort fact from fiction to make good decisions, not just respond to threats. I hope my experience can also be of help to others here. 

Thank you.   
         

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi thegoodsoldier,

your situation sounds really difficult, and I'm sorry your whole family is suffering. You have practical strugles and emotional ones. All of them are real. This is a good place to talk about things, you've seen that keeping them all botlet inside doesn't do any good. Discussing them with the person with BPD, often makes things worse.

I hope we can help each other. I have a very pesimistic day today, so I can't muster my good will and the little wisdom I gathered by learning from my mistakes. I will say that you need to learn that she is not blaming you, personally, she is rejecting her shame and guilt, and you are just there. In the moment, she has to believe it is someone else's fault, to numb the pain a bit. But I think that when she is calmed, that's not what she trully believes.

Sounds like you've been reading here already. Keep checking up the lessons, they are written by good people with more experience than us. Things can improve.

Take care.

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you very much, JoeBPD81. Your words in fact had a lot of power for me and make me feel slightly more ready to face what's ahead. You sound as though you have a lot of experience here yourself. I hope things improve for you as well.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi the goodsoldier,

Welcome ,

I'm so sorry that things have been out of control for you. It sounds like your wife's behavior has been ramping up lately. Do you think this is due to you being back at work or has something else been going on that is causing her more stress?

It sounds like there are a lot of patterns going on here that need to be addressed. Leaving work can become a major issue especially if your job is put on the line due to her disruptions. Has she ever attempted suicide or only threatened it? I'm not sure what the system is like in your country, but in America, if someone is a threat to themselves or others then they can be put into a psych unit for a 96 hour hold.

When your wife threatens to harm herself, what if you said something like, ":)o you have a plan to harm yourself?" If she says no, begin to validate what she is feeling. You might say something like "What feeling makes you want to hurt yourself?" or "I hate that you are feeling this way. You are important to me and I want to know that you are safe." I think it's important that you don't drop everything to go running.

If she says that yes, she does have a plan, then I think your next step is to immediately call for an ambulance for transporting her to a hospital. This means that she is in a clear and present danger to herself. Our Safety First document might help you assess the severity of the situation and give you some ideas on how to respond to SI.

Keep reading our tools. We have a lot of great workshops and lessons on the right side of the page that can help you begin to improve your relationship. You can find those on the right side of the page. There is hope. Things can begin to get better. It just requires a lot of work on your end. It requires changing yourself so that you can better support and help your partner.

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you so much for the response. The suicide threats have passed for now. Making threats is a very common expression of my wife's BPD and I tend not to take most seriously. I've since decided not to return home from work for any threats. But yes it has been ramping up as our children get bigger and harder to take care of and her chance's for reentering her field grow smaller.

But in the week since that incident there has been improvement. My wife has personally acknowledged her BPD. She saw a therapist for the first time last week and I hope she will continue. She has not used alcohol for over a week. 

I truly appreciate the advice and will definitely use it the next time something happens.