My wife has BPD and not sure when or if ever there is way out

[beuldad]

It took me 23 years for me to figure out my wife has BPD. Her Mom also has BPD/NPD symptoms. I have 4 kids, 22,20,17,9. The oldest manages his Mom's BPD by ignoring her behavior. The 20 yr old feels her Mom stopped loving her 8 years back, she basically gave up on her Mom. The 17 year old gets stressed out listening to her Mom's nearly daily discussion on how life has been unfair to her. And, the nine year old gets the verbal abuse when no one is around and alone with her Mom.

My wife started counseling this month. After 2 sessions the therapist said that this will take a long time for her to come out of it. Therapist says that my wife is not in a position to receive love from others, her mind is full of supposed injustice done to her, her son, her father, her brother, her grandpa. You get the idea. Interestingly, my son never feels any injustice done to him. If we confront her with facts, we all are now against her. Now, she believes there is no one in this world who cares for her.

Almost every day, she makes comments like, "You are discrediting me", "My family has been discredited" family being her mom & dad & brother, "My brother has been discredited", etc.,

She is suspicious of everyone who she comes across. Always wonders about the background of the people she encounters and suspects they have been sent in to her life by her "enemies" to "discredit" her.

I have read a book or two on BPD, but I am having a hard time, being ready with strategies to respond to my wife as she becomes too intense too quickly and does not give time to think.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi beuldad,

Welcome to the family! I am sorry to hear about these issues that you brought you to the community here, but I am glad you are here. We all share similar experiences to one degree or another. I can imagine what a lightbulb has come on after figuring this out after 23 years! It took me over 6 I think. I knew something was off, but I couldn't figure out what exactly.

What you are asking me about here makes me think you might benefit from a tool many of us try working with. It is called "validating" --> https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating  It teaches you how to respond and not respond to the ways our partners with BPD traits speak at times.

There are lot of great communication tools here that are worth taking the time to study and then try practicing. I read this stuff over and over, but I know when a crisis hits I do not have it all engrained. One of the first tools I picked up on here was not to JADE. (do not justify/argue/defend/explain) It did a lot to defuse arguments when I did not try to defend myself and learned to listen to the feeling my husband was expressing and putting aside his sometimes hateful/cruel words.

Keep posting and sharing - you will find a lot of experience here that can help you with the issues you face.

[Tattered Heart]

HI beuldad

You've found a great place for support. I'd like to second what pearlsw said. Validation is so important. We have some Examples of Validation .

For instance when your wife begins to talk about her family being discredited, she might be telling you she feels ashamed. Instead of saying something like "No. That's not true." instead try saying something like,

"I'm sorry this is all coming to light. Are you worried that means you are discredited too? Just ask her true empathetic questions about it.

Is there anything that can be done to redeem them?
How does it make you feel when you think of your family is discredited?

If you'd like to practice some things you can say to validate, feel free to share them here.

[Notwendy]

Hi Beuldad-

I imagine it is a shock to find out your wife has BPD and also a relief in a way to have an answer to such puzzling behaviors.

This is something to take one day at a time for now, and not spend too much time worrying about the future. She has a lot to deal with as well- finding out she has a problem. It is encouraging that she is willing to attend therapy. It isn't possible to know the outcome now, just encourage her to continue.

Her Victim perspective is part of the disorder and also part truth. The info on the Karpman triangle on this site will help explain her perspective. The truth in this is- yes, her kids are probably fed up with her behavior, yet she may not really be able to make the connection between her behavior and the kids' feelings.

I'm the grown daughter of a mother with BPD. She is now an elderly widow. When I think back on my teens and 20's it would have made a difference if she was diagnosed and I knew it. She was not, and she blamed her issues on other things- including me, so it was very confusing, hurtful, and I didn't want to be around her.

Her perspective is that I was against her. Not true, I would have loved to have a relationship with my mother but not one that came with verbal and emotional abuse. My feelings about her were from wanting to protect me. The idea that I had to like someone who mistreated me didn't make sense. Your wife being in therapy might change that dynamic. I may have seen things differently if I knew she had a mental illness then. However most of your children are adults and need to make their own decision about having a relationship with her or not.

I do think your children- and you- would benefit from individual therapy. It is up to the older ones to choose this- I don't know where they are but if they are in college, there are good counseling services at most colleges. I didn't know what was going on with my mother when I was in college but I found the student health counseling services to be very helpful to work out my feelings and experiences growing up with her. I think it would help your children as well. It is also a neutral person explaining BPD to them so you don't have to talk about your wife. They can also express their feelings honestly to a counselor. I could not discuss them at home to my parents. We talk about validation and the pwBPD feeling invalidated. However, the kids not being able to discuss their feelings and perspectives to their parents is invalidating too. I knew something wasn't right with my mother, but my parents' refused to discuss it and insisted on pretending she is normal.

Your wife getting diagnosed is bringing this out of the darkness and into the light. There is hope in that for all of you.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Beuldad, in many respects I'm in the same boat, just learned my wife had BPD a few weeks ago after 10 years of being together and its exploded everything. I understand very well the difficulty of strategizing with someone with this condition. Now that I'm starting to say no to my wife on unreasonable demands every day is like going to war. Hang in there!

I feel like I'm putting a little power back into my own hands by realizing that I have played an equal role in this problem, as an enabler, co-dependent, and someone who must have emotional health issues as well to have accepted being with someone with this problem. So I am arranging therapy for myself first to address my issues, build inner strength, and finally learn how to communicate better with my wife with the goal of convincing her to seek therapy. At the same time I am preparing in case things go further south and I need to get myself and the kids away from her. But I really hope it will not come to that.

I hope my experience is helpful since like you I'm really at the first step. 

[beuldad]

Thank you all for your encouraging comments.

pearlsw, thx for the link for validation. I think I need to practice this skill. I see my error now. I used to reason with my wife with facts. I never understood, why she is very sensitive to everyone.

Tattered Heart, thx for the examples. I will certainly use it. For the past 3 months she is not talking much. She is giving me the silent treatment.

Notwendy, your advice on using college counseling for my adult kids is helpful. I never thought that there is counseling in the college for students. I will discuss this with my kids. On the Karpman triangle, it appears to me, I am the rescuer, she is the victim, and my mother-in-law is the persecutor. My mother-in-law usually makes a comment to my wife about something, which in turn causes my wife to feel the emotions of victimhood. I stupidly spent time and resources being the rescuer. I started counseling two months back and after 2 sessions I realized I have become the caretaker for my wife  and not taking care of my self. I and the kids have become orbiting planets around my wife. I am now moving out from the caretaker role.

thegoodsoldier, it is good to know that you are on the same journey. I agree with you that there is some of my own problem in enabling this situation. Like you I am taking counseling to fix my own problems first.

Thanks again for all of your comments.