Codependent with a struggle of giving space to BPD partner

[Waffle]

Hello everyone,

I have been dating my girlfriend for more than a year and a half. I love her and can't imagine my life without her. But recently we have been in arguments and fights that are more extreme than before. It feels different this time.

When we argue, she always tells me I'm not good enough for her and that I never change. She constantly pushes me away and tells me to leave her alone. But I'd like to think that I try to be patient with her and comfort her. But sometimes I feel frustrated.

I have a tendency to always visit her when she starts to push me away or ignores me. I think it's because every time I go see her, she eventually starts to talk to me and we become better again. There are times when I have been locked out of her house and wait for her for hours. But there are other times when that happens and she lets me in. She tells me if I wasn't there, she would've cheated or broke up with me. So, my urgency to see her is always there and I'm scared when she starts to push me away.

Recently, our fight feels different. She's telling me that she's broken up with me (but she always says that and I find it hard to believe). She's told me she slept with someone because she knows that's the only way to break up with me. I have a feeling that she's lying again, but now she doesn't want to talk to me. I made the mistake and went to go see her but I think she was triggered from me being there. Our encounter made a scene and I feel embarrassed and regret it.

I know and am very aware that I need to give her space. But I find it so hard. I'm scared that this time the break up is real. And all I want to do it talk to her. I feel like I'm going insane and am blinded by my own actions. 

I want to reach out mostly for support and mostly to keep me from going to her. I really care about her and I know the space that I'll give her is very essential in our relationship. I feel like I will break though.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

A lot of that sounds really familiar Waffle. I'm sorry that you have been going through it. It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

What was the recent fight about that brought you here?

I suggest you read the boards and the articles. You will get a wealth of information, advice and support. There are communication skills that will minimize the behavior of someone with BPD traits and these have proven successful for some of the members here.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[soonbefree]

I don't call myself a codependent, I constantly need to be in a happy relationship. Sometimes I enjoy being alone but still with a lover time is preferable.Just recently broke up with my uBPDxbf, this is the heardest break up ever. Everyday the think of him always crossing my mind and gave me a little heartache.

My cope is making myself super busy with my businesses and start dating. I know even heaven will be felt less fun without your ex. Keep on trying. Since broke up 2 months ago I went out with 5-6 guys. All don't measure up with my ex and I can't continue. But I am keeping on.

I came to conclusion that my BPDx stops loving me because I might be a trigger, at least for now, and now I picture him just as a FWB. Worth for short term relationship only.

You are stronger than you think.

[TN_TX17]

Hello there Waffle,

I am sure that as you read and study about BPD that you will come across the phrase, take care of yourself first and then the BP, if you decide to stay.  I have abandonment issues and I have a wife with BPD and it is hard.  They tend to make me do and feel a lot of things that I shouldn't, like take things they do and say personally, worry when she doesn't call in a certain amount of time, cry a lot!

I have been in therapy for a long time, even before my BP, but it was always talking about my past and how my parents treated me, etc. etc.  I was never how do I cope with these feelings.  Never why I have these feelings and what do I do with them. I have always been looking for a therapist that could explain these things to me. Well I found one and she is great.

We discuss what my reactions are and how do I think differently about them?  How does the situation feel to me and my thoughts when it happened?  How I need to look at the situation and was it really worth the pain it caused me and how do I stop the obsessing on the situation. These are all things I have never discussed with anyone and I have always joked about having abandonment issues but I really do have them.  They stem from my parents and how they treated me when I was a child. THAT was a hard pill to swollew because I just thought I was just sensitive.

You will also hear another phrase: don't take the actions, or words, the BP says personally.  What they say and do has NOTHING to do with you, it is their disease talking and acting out.  This is hard to do when they are yelling at you full throttle and you don't even know how it happened or how you got to this point.  The confusion is enough to drive you crazy, and I mean literally.  I am still trying to understand this part of the equation. I understand mentally but to believe it is another story. 

The experts that I have read and listened to don't paint a pretty picture of a relationship with a BP but there is hope here that you can grasp onto but there is only one way that it can become a reality. First is you need to deal with yourself and your feeling by finding a good therapist that is willing to work with you on you. Therapies include CBT and DBT are the two most popular. The second part of this is the BP NEEDS to get themselves help, because they are the only one who can do it. You can't force them because as you know it all ends bad with that conversation.

If they don't want help then it is your responsibility to help yourself and decide if you really want to deal with this behavior any longer after you come out of the fog and see things more clearly.

My BP is getting help and it is still really hard, she says things that hurt, she does things that don't make sense to me but it is getting better. But she chose it after a year of what seemed like depression and anxiety and me begging her to find a counselor. She is newly diagnosed and it was a shock to me because I had no idea what I was getting into when we got married last year.  The disregulated emotions, the spending, the what seemed to be lack of emotions at times, all were not anywhere in the vows I took.  But I do love her deeply and I did say in sickness and in health.

I intend on staying with her for a long time and there is a great and wonderful, loving, beautiful person in my wife. But she is sick and sometime I forget that and it makes for a really rough time. 

Please take care of your own needs first, that is what I am doing now because I was looking at the edge and about to jump, figuratively. I was going crazy trying to figure it all out.  I have a ton of other issues in my life right now and add having to deal with a BPw on top of it isn't a good combo. I really figure that as long as she is trying to recover from her issues, which in comparison are a lot worse than mine, then the relationship is worth it to keep. I guess I am lucky in that aspect. I don't think I could stay if she wasn't doing that.

Thanks for listening and good luck.  I hate when my BPw says, because it sounds like she is giving up on us in my fear of abandonment mind, it but it is true.  She tells me, "how can I take care of you if I can't even take care of myself."

Goodnight