Don't want to leave, but don't know if I can stay for too much longer

[LowSpirit]

I am mid-50s, married over 30 years.  Wife (mid-50s) was diagnosed as having BPD traits by professionals after breaking down in tears at doctor's (close to 10 years ago).  The diagnosis was helpful to me and adult children because it explains the high/low cycle, difficulty keeping friendships, blaming me for everything, not taking responsibility, not being able to put herself in the shoes of others, etc.  When diagnosed, she was seeing and talking to a professional every week or two, while they worked on trying to get meds sorted out; in the end, they did the best they could with meds, but said she really needs continuing therapy, but she refused to go (blames me for saying anything to the doctor, says I call her "nuts", etc.).  She never allowed me to go along to a session, and when I asked, at the doctor's recommendation to me, she got quite hostile demanding to know why.  Knowing that she lies a lot, I am thinking that she may not have been completely truthful in the sessions and didn't want me finding out or exposing the truth to the doctor (our family doctor read to us together the initial assessment before starting any sessions, and at one point the report referred to her evasiveness about answering questions).

She is not working (cannot function for long in any job situation), and a couple of years ago, I guess, got into a real depression -- 24/7 in bedroom, TV all day long and night.  I would sleep in there, if she was not ticked with me and bedroom door locked, but she was always angry at me for not being a better person and making her life happy; I would check on her after I got home from work and a bit throughout the evening but generally avoided talking because it would just turn into complaints about me (watching TV in the living room, the kids and I would keep the volume low for fear that a laugh or sign of joy on our part would be the trigger to an outburst from her.  Kids and I could not count on her to follow through with anything, so I took on all household chores with assistance of the oldest child, and other kids, like me, just make no demands on her... .she has no responsibilities in the household. 

We did not travel for years and years (for obvious reasons with her moods and their resulting stress on me), but in the past 2 years, she has been on 3 tropical vacations with either one of our kids or a girl friend -- I would not be able to handle the worry and the stress of going with her on a vacation and my presence often seems to result in her getting ticked off because I am apparently really annoying.  But I paid her way, including first class seats, in order to try to make them fun and exciting and enjoyable times for her.

This past Christmas Eve, she got annoyed with someone in the family (not me, for a change) and disappeared for over 8 hours.  Then came home and drank 2 bottles of wine in less than an hour and got falling down drunk and b*tching about me to me and how I was the cause of all her misery (common theme).  I actually cried once she was asleep.

6 months ago, she somehow turned that around, with a local social group she found online... .first friendship lasted a month, until the person changed their mind on an outing with my wife, and she blew that up into them being absolutely horrible to her.  Ended up with a bunch of friends for months now, and she has a really good time with them... .seemed like a great group of people for her -- dinner out a few times a week, etc. (especially since I am really a home body). 

Then she raised the topic of Open Marriage.  Then I discovered that when going to "dinner and a movie" with one of the girls one night last month, she had arranged to go to a hotel room with a guy.  She swears nothing happened, and I believe her (90%), and she says that she talked with him about me for a couple of hours.  She says guys she talks to say to leave me (she has told me that I am the reason for her long depression, and that I am mean and don't care about her -- so I assume she tells them the same thing).  She said, when I asked, what her girlfriends who are over often and sometimes sleep over, think of me and she said they think I am sweet.  Mind you, I am happy and well practiced as a home body:  when they are over, I try to stay out of the way (they are her friends and I am not trying to steal them or impose myself on them) so I do the cleanup before and after, I have done laundry they have brought over for them, I run out for takeout for them, etc.  She says that her friends are all Open Marriage/Polyamourous (so while they are quite nice, I worry that they are influencing her when she already feels/claims that I have ruined her life).  And I recently learned that they go to a sex club where she says many of them get naked and frolic... .she says that she is too embarrassed of her body (definitely shouldn't be) and would never take clothes off.  A month ago, she started shaving bare and got her chest pierced (both of them) -- which was a surprise, although I worry it is for the delight of others not me.  Our bedroom life has been on and off for years, with her highs and lows, but lately I am having problems in that area... .I think because of long work hours and dealing with her and my doubts and worries and feelings of inadequacy (now magnified) which I feel is also disappointing her as much as it does me and driving her to cast her eyes elsewhere.

I was quite pleased with the dinners out with friends and stuff because she needs that and I don't really do that (because I get stressed and anxious taking her out), and because I am admittedly dull and boring and working a 9-5 office job (although for most of the past year, it involved working from home evenings and weekends, too, which caused further strains).

But I feel it is just a matter of time before either she finds somebody else and forces the Open Marriage issue (and I don't know how I would react), or the friendships crack the way all her previous ones have done, or she drops from the current "high" cycle (which I am pretty sure this is).  If asked, she says she loves me, and we spend time together, but if I say "love you", she never replies in kind.  I know extremely well that she cannot recognize my need for reciprocated expressions of love.  I continue to bring her coffee in bed (she doesn't work) before heading off to my job, wash and put away all the laundry (including hers -- if clean laundry left in the laundry basket, she won't put it away), make dinners, clean the house with help from my oldest, do the yard work, do the grocery shopping, etc.  I am hopeful that when the cycle drops or friendships fall apart, she will recognize that I am there for her, and may realize that I am not that bad and that she has a good life here.

Therapy is not an option, obviously, based on past attempts.  And she clearly blames me for all her woes.

I do not hate her -- I love her so much I often get tears in my eyes watching her sleep and thinking of how things used to be and I want to be once again, and wondering what is going on in that pretty brain of hers.  Since she does not work, she is financially dependent on me, and actually spends the majority of our disposable money on clothes, dinners, and events out with her friends (but accuses me of spending too much on groceries).  I cannot convince myself to give up on her, and she cannot just leave because she relies on me for a place to live and spending money.  I am hoping that I have left the Open Marriage door open enough that she will tell me before she does anything (as she says, "if she ever did find anyone who rocks her world enough to sleep with" that I am not constantly doubtful of where she is and what she is doing (although since the hotel discovery, and one of her girlfriends was complicit, there is always a bit of worry in the back of my mind whenever she goes out now).

I do not "own" her, and I cannot make myself try to force her to live in perceived misery with me.  But something is going to have to give sooner or later:  friendships cracking with resulting lows (I am thinking), her "high" cycle ending with resulting lows, or she walks out on me after finding another guy.  I cannot imagine a case where I would actually be the one to draw the closing curtain on the relationship.  Sometimes I might think of ending it all because I cannot handle it, but I know could never get up the nerve to do that.  On the positive side, my oldest is now working with me to try to build up my self-esteem and sense of self-worth, which has taken quite a beating over the years to the point where I am only happy and feeling good when my wife says something nice to me but all it takes is one negative word from her, or even a lack of words, to fill me with self-doubt and depressing thoughts.  This is not where I thought we would be as we approach 60, with over 30 years of marriage.  I have no idea whether there is a future with her, or any happiness at all without her.  I would appreciate hearing from others (I would probably not take advice to leave her, but even if that is the majority view then at least I might form an opinion of it being a realistic possibility that might make it less hurtful if it actually comes to that; if there are words of encouragement to stay or ideas of what to do to try to help improve the situation, I would appreciate hearing them).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

How clearly have you voiced your values on her open marriage talks? She might view your reticence as tacit approval.  It sounds like something you would not be cool with,  yes?

Given all that you have been doing,  do you feel like a parent rather than a partner?

How old are your kids?

[LowSpirit]

I am not sure where I stand on the Open Marriage thing.  I went through a lot of emotions when I was certain she had cheated on me.  Background to that is that she had raised the topic, then went on one of the tropical vacations for a week, and during the week I researched the heck out of that topic.  I made 11 pages of notes.  When she came back, I told her that I had done some research and there was a lot to talk to her about, and she said that was good because she did not know much about it... .and before we could talk, I found evidence that she had been in a hotel room with a guy.  Maybe because of my current difficulties in that area (going to a doctor soon and will raise the subject), I could understand her wanting some other outlet for her desires that I am not capable of fulfilling.  But I think she wants that as much as a "friend" to talk with and just be with (remember, in her mind, I am the cause of a lot of her depression and moods, and currently is not willing to look past that so obviously I am not somebody to tell her troubles to).  She often says that she wants a man who will make decisions, but the reality is that it has to be the decision she has in mind... .and I do not often hit the nail on the head; perhaps somebody else can do better.

Definitely more a parent than a partner.  As I said, it has evolved that I, with assistance from my oldest, essentially take care of the house and work; she sleeps in if she wants, spends hours on chat rooms with her gaggle of friends on her phone, goes shopping with one or more, goes to a restaurant for lunch with one or more, etc.  Not a care in the world in terms of real responsibility like most adults have.  But I am still in love and want to do things for her all the time and make her life beautiful.  I don't have to bring her coffee, and it is an added item in a hectic morning, but I like to think that she she appreciates it a lot.  I find little treats for her when grocery shopping, etc.  I considered when typing that whether it is because I am trying to buy her approval, but in reality I guess it is essentially "unconditional love" -- it doesn't really matter the grief she has caused me and the hurt, I want her to be happy and will make sacrifices towards that end.  But when I text her "I love you", the lack of an answer causes me huge anxiety and worry and depression... .even though I know that currently she does not love me in that deep way (because she believes I am the cause of her moods).   I feel that I am way too needy now, and I shouldn't rely on her to control my moods, but it is the way I am (kind of timid, etc.). 

Kids are in their 20s.  Two no longer at home, two at home.  They worry a lot about me... .feel this is the definition of an emotionally abusive relationship (I talked with the family doctor who has known us since before kids, and she told me that I am being bullied (I think the kids who also have her as their doctor have voiced their concerns for me)).  It is nice to have that support.  I have no friends who I hang out with, and I spend very little time with my family (she always accuses me of liking them more than her, listening to them more than her, etc. to the point where I am uncomfortable going over to a family member's home for very long; my siblings see my mid-80s father at least once a week; I get over there once every few months for a short visit - she doesn't say I cannot go but I have enough anxiety about her reaction that I don't feel comfortable going). 

I keep reflecting on it, and I don't think there was anything I could do to help her in that dark point of her life -- she would not go to therapy, and while I checked on her and offered to do stuff and make whatever she wanted for dinner, I was not capable of "fixing" her mood as she felt I should have.  In her current frame of mind, though, my inability to "fix" her appears to be the real deal breaker for having a close relationship with her.

Objectively you say, this isn't a proper way to live, and my oldest says that I would be so happy with somebody who had common interests once more and was actually nice to me.  But this is the life I know now, and it scares me more than death itself to imagine actually leaving her or her leaving me.  And I really do love her with all my heart.  I wish she wasn't considering finding a "friend to play with", as she puts it, and could either realize that I am not the cause for her past depressions or at least "compartmentalize" it as what it was to her, and look instead of forging a new relationship going forward.

[LowSpirit]

Clarification: I saw the notice there about no run messages.  Perhaps I did not state things well, if it was interpreted as me looking for stay or leave advice.  I have no intention of leaving, certainly not now, but am wondering, in other people's experience/expertise, how worrisome the situation sounds (have others gone through this and emerged on the other side).  This is quite the departure from past experiences, and worries me a lot, although I read that self-destructive behaviour - gambling, affairs - is one characteristic of BPD so I don't know whether there is lots of positive (in the end) experience to draw upon to and ideas for me explore to try to apply.  I almost want her to slip back into the "low" cycle because I know that one and can accept living with her at those times, but that is not fair to her.  How do I help myself deal with this latest turn? I like that my oldest is trying to help me with self-esteem but is there more I should be doing or advice on how to do it and, turning to my wife, is there any strategy I can use to help her avoid/interrupt the self-destructive behaviour if she is not willing or able to "embrace" the doctor's diagnosis and accept that she has this and work with therapy or other ways to improve the situation instead of just blaming other... .or do I just let it "run its course" and hope that she does not get in too deep and eventually returns to her "normal" cycle of highs and lows.
I am really lost here, and am hoping others have had experiences or have knowledge I can draw upon for strength and inspiration to get us both through this.

[Meili]

Clarification: I saw the notice there about no run messages. 

The notice is not directed at anyone in particular. It is meant as a reminder to all that we are here to offer support and not advice people to stay or leave a relationship.