Still having trouble, even with distance

[naivemelody]

Hey there,

I've never posted on a site like this before, but it seems like a really good place to lend and receive support about experiences that I continually find very difficult to explain to the people I love. I am finishing up college this year, at age 21, and after a few years of therapy, I have reason to believe my mother has BPD. I moved out of the small apartment where her, her boyfriend and I were living in my home town as soon as I could when I was 18, and even though we work and inhabit the same city, I have seen her maybe 10 times in the past 3 years. The more distance away I get, the less real my experiences feel, although I think they still color my perception of the world heavily. Does anyone ever have that feeling? I will share a little bit more about myself, I would love to talk to people who are struggling with similar issues.

 My life today is much better than it was 4 years ago. I am financially stable, almost done with school and far less reliant on self-harm. But I still struggle with some things that I  wish I could shake. I get scared and startled very easily everywhere. At work, at school, in my own house when my roommate comes home. I find myself wanting to self harm, and sometimes hyperventilating when contacting and being around the family members that my mother perceived as "out to get her", like my father, her mother, and my sister.I find I still have a lot of trouble taking care of my body and my living space. Any time I get a phone call or someone calls my name, I can feel my heart drop because I know I must be in trouble. Anyone who reminds me of my mom inspires very mouse-like apologetic responses from me, even when that's not what I want to do.  I also used to feel often like a 'menace to society', but I think therapy is helping me to not villianize myself as much, though I still have that feeling sometimes when I make a mistake.

I think the major problems for me began when my father (my parents are divorced ) was battling alcoholism and near homeless-ness, and my mother kicked my older sister out of the house, which left me alone with a lot of my mother's anger and rollercoaster emotions from ages 12-18. Due to the impending foreclosure of our house, this was a time of financial emergency for everyone: there were many strange roommates, frozen pipes, broken toilets, dirty clothes, rats and food insecurity. I think a lot of what I experienced was neglect. As a child, I faced common solvable obstacles like lice, vision and dental problems that my mother didn't seem to want to help me address because they were inconvenient for her.These issues made me feel very insecure at school, and I spent a lot of time trying to hide things I perceived as not normal from my peers. My mother would rage at me frequently about wanting to die, to kill other people and about how people in her life (living or not) had wronged her and were against her, even when it seemed clear this wasn't true. A lot of her expression towards me was related to my father and my grandmother both of whom I don't speak with often. When it came to getting angry because of me, I was frequently painted as a 'freeloader', destined to 'choose the bottle over my family' like my father. Sometimes she would tell me to stay away because I was going to hit her, and she would accuse me of enabling my father's physical abuse towards her (I believe her that it happened, but I seriously cannot remember witnessing this abuse). Luckily, the issues I faced with her were rarely physical .

My mom is creative, funny and supportive when she's in a good mood. I feel so awful about how afraid I am of contacting her, and also about what a relief it is to not have to. There is something shocking, even three years later, about someone who used to directly impact all parts of your life no longer playing any factor at all. It makes me a little sad. I feel like my psychology and my body have over-reacted to my childhood, and I'm working hard in therapy to shed myself of these problems but it is taking so long and the older I get, the less real my past feels. I'm also very worried for her, being so isolated now as she has cut off communication with my sister and most everyone else. Her physical health is poor, as is her financial situation.

Thank you for reading my post, I look forward to learning more about BPD and joining coversations.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome welcome Naivemelody! 

I am so glad that you were brave and posted your story here with us.  Such a story it is! I am a mom of a 23 year old and can relate to the fact that you are trying to deal with your past. How wonderful that you are already tackling these things at your age... .good for you. 

All that you have described rings so true to the many experiences I have had as well as those of other members here. While each experience is similar, each one is still unique and a part of the whole story. I can relate very much as my mom was uBPD too. It took me until my late 40's to begin to figure out why I was having some of the reactions I did, much like yours:

But I still struggle with some things that I  wish I could shake. I get scared and startled very easily everywhere. At work, at school, in my own house when my roommate comes home. I find myself wanting to self harm, and sometimes hyperventilating when contacting and being around the family members that my mother perceived as "out to get her", like my father, her mother, and my sister.I find I still have a lot of trouble taking care of my body and my living space. Any time I get a phone call or someone calls my name, I can feel my heart drop because I know I must be in trouble. Anyone who reminds me of my mom inspires very mouse-like apologetic responses from me, even when that's not what I want to do.

I still am jumpy, especially if I am startled, and this is common when trauma has gone on in our families. Sometimes I have trouble remembering to breathe, when there is extreme stress or tension around me. It is often subconscious, but through T I have been learning to listen to my body and what it is saying more and more. Then I can begin to figure out what I am feeling and what is going on.

Here is something that has been a lot of help to me and others, and I will post the link for you. It is from our site here on C&H. Pete Walker has provided a lot of learning materials for me that have been very validating and comforting. You can look at his website too, but this is a very helpful list to print off and read whenever you need it.

Managing Emotional Flashbacks

Emotional Flashback Management in the treatment of Complex PTSD

What do you think of these articles? Have you taken a look at the list to the right hand side of our board? ---->> > Anything you click on will open up into another window. Where do you see yourself on the list?

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[momisborderline]

Wow, naivemelody, I really admire your bravery and courage. And I'm glad you feel that life has gotten better for you. I also have an undiagnosed BPD mom and I just went no contact with her 2 weeks ago. The difference is, I am twice your age and how I wish I had learned about BPD 24 years ago. Nevertheless, I'm happy to have found this forum and for the support of this group. I hope you will find it as helpful as I do.

Like you, I am easily startled, and when someone says my name I get that "uh-oh, what did I do" feeling in my stomach.

Have you done any reading about the different "types" of BPD moms? The Queen, the hermit, the witch and the waif? In reading through these I saw so much of my mom and I wonder if you will too. There's a great book that I just started called "Understanding the Borderline Mother" but here's a quick highlight of the 4 type to get you started... .
https://theestablishment.co/witch-queen-mom-fairy-tale-lessons-for-surviving-borderline-parents-869527f7cccf

Good luck to you and please continue to post and let us know how you are doing.