Is this his way of seeing if I will make an effort

[Frankee]

I know that sometimes it is hard to obtain professional help,    insurance limits, waiting lists,  available providers.  

I would advise again to get in contact with your local domestic violence agency.   I would strongly advise you not mention that to your husband.   

If you call you can often choose to remain anonymous.

It's a metaphor.  We're not getting professional help for the reasons you did mention.  The first step I can take is calling a hotline.  I've thought about it before, but was afraid they could trace it or would see the number.  I would never tell him.  Just like he doesn't know I'm on this forum. 

Some of us are preconditioned to a response.   I tend to end up in Freeze.   It is what it is.  

I agree with what you said upstream that being in touch with the anger of Fight can be helpful, healing.   But only if we use it to ensure good boundaries, healthy assertiveness and strong self protection.    If you haven't had anyone model that for you it might take a while to learn.   It's a process.

I would say you no longer reacting too it made it less viable for him to use.  

I'm not a fighter.  I am a caregiver, nurturer, affectionate.  It is not in my nature to fight.  It takes a lot for me to become aggressive or to snap like I have with my H.  Usually when I get the point I'm like that, it's very hard to control because it's not just one infraction, it's a build up. 

I agree as well with NotWendy's statement.  It's actually almost spot on with my H.

What do you think?  How is it going today?    Has the situation calmed at all ?

It was pleasant yesterday.  We talked back and forth throughout the day.  I felt like I was having a conversation with a normal person.

I didn't realize later in the night he was building up to having a breakdown this morning, that was of course all my fault.  Where we live there is a very large biker rally going on.  He use to run a bike club until everything fell apart.  I know it hurt and he misses those days.  I thought, maybe he was missing riding his bike around and stuff.  So I pull out his old cut, put it on, snap a few sexy pictures, and sent them.  I was feeling really good after how the day went so I thought I was doing something he would enjoy or be pleased with.

This morning I was getting ready for work.  I had my hair straightener plug in and I had set it down for a minute.  He comes out of the restroom and is in a seemingly good mood, then he lays eyes on the hair straightener.  Points it out and snaps about "what is that, why do you always leave it plugged in, you're going to burn the house down, I've told you that."  I simply replied, I am getting ready for work, fixing my hair, I set it down for a moment, and I am still using it.  He made some other comment about how I always leave in plugged in a turned on.  I replied calmly again, I make sure I turn it off whenever I'm done using it so no accidents will happen.  Apparently I was justifying and trying to argue and get the last word in.

He asked again why I pulled out his leather and I told him I thought I was doing something that you would enjoy or like.  He asked why would he enjoy being reminded of something that was ripped away from him.  Now he's saying I want to be with bikers, who do I want to look nice for, I'm hooking up with a guest at the resort I work for, saying oh let me find out who it is, how he hopes I ride off on the back on one of the bikes, how they are all drugged up dumba**es and perfect for me.  I stayed calm.  I didn't respond to his accusations or his jabs.  Even said that I am not going to discuss this in front of the kids twice.  Displaced myself from the attack and stayed calm (even though I was shaking).  When I wouldn't engage, he yelled about how I was ignoring him and how I know he hates that and we've had the discussion before.

I didn't JADE his absurd accusation, even when he got loud and said "is this what you want, you did this, if you had just said okay when I said something about the hair straightener, none of this would happen, it's your fault".  I mentally blocked out the noise, repeated to myself not to engage, this was NOT my fault, he was looking for something to be angry about this morning, do not heighten this situation with the children in the house.  As the metaphor before, he pushed that button really hard.  He finally left to work and sent my a nasty text message.  I ignored it.  A little while later, I acknowledged that my bringing out his old cut opened old wounds.  This is his problem.  His insecurities.  He's angry about what happened with his club, that I had nothing to do with.  All this projection onto me about his old wounds is not my fault.

Normally I would be crushed and distraught, pleading with him that it wasn't true.  Not this time.  I said something about how it opened old wounds (which I do see that happened) and that was it.

[Frankee]

Did I handle that the right way?  I feel bad my kids witnessed and heard most of that.  I'm not responding to the nasty text after I acknowledged seeing the leather open old wounds.  Right now we are at a stand still.  My thought now is that cycle I had mentioned before.  He word vomits, comes home at night and does his routine.  I want to break that cycle.  I'm trying to figure out how to do that without reigniting the fight or having it carry on into the night.  I need sleep at some point.

[babyducks]

Normally I would be crushed and distraught, pleading with him that it wasn't true.  Not this time.  I said something about how it opened old wounds (which I do see that happened) and that was it.

Hi Frankee,

The goal is for you to be calm and as unaffected as you can be.   because that is better for you.   So this is a plus  .     You weren't crushed.    You were not distraught.    This is progress.    This is much better than the 'you will take my crap' conversation which happened, what?,  two weeks ago?

the goal is for you to be calm and unaffected.   he might follow you into a more healthy way of responding eventually.   or he may not.   it's too soon to tell.

This morning I was getting ready for work.  I had my hair straightener plug in and I had set it down for a minute.  He comes out of the restroom and is in a seemingly good mood, then he lays eyes on the hair straightener.  Points it out and snaps about "what is that, why do you always leave it plugged in, you're going to burn the house down, I've told you that."  I simply replied, I am getting ready for work, fixing my hair, I set it down for a moment, and I am still using it.

Simple and calm is good.     It's been well researched that in a dysregulation a pwBPD may only understand part of what is being said.    They will pick up tone of voice or other clues like body language but may lose some of the actual words as their focus is on their internal conflict.

He made some other comment about how I always leave in plugged in a turned on.  I replied calmly again, I make sure I turn it off whenever I'm done using it so no accidents will happen.  Apparently I was justifying and trying to argue and get the last word in.

Calm is good.   From what I understand this is not a valid statement, right?   You don't always leave it on.   You want to be careful to not validate the invalid.   This is an invalid statement.   A calm simple statement works here.    You don't want to put any energy into this conversation.

He asked why would he enjoy being reminded of something that was ripped away from him.  Now he's saying I want to be with bikers, who do I want to look nice for

what happened here?    what happened in between the question about being reminded?   and him moving to a more aggressive tone?

When I wouldn't engage, he yelled about how I was ignoring him and how I know he hates that and we've had the discussion before.

Yeah I used to hear that all the time too.   You are ignoring me.    Tell us more about what you were doing during all this,... .   when the accusations are flying, what are you doing?    What, if anything did you say?

Remember that it takes a pwBPD longer to return to emotional baseline that it would take someone with out this disorder.    building time out's into the conversation can help.    I used to build in time outs by deliberately going to the bathroom,   making a cup of tea,... .   something to slow down the conversation.

'ducks

[Frankee]

what happened here?    what happened in between the question about being reminded?   and him moving to a more aggressive tone?

From what I gathered from what he said, the anger, the sudden switch from the straightener to the accusation of wanting to be with a biker...   It seems like he's reliving some deep seeded wounds and loss.  He was a president of a bike club for 5 years until the members started doing drugs and the club started falling apart. It was a really hard time for him, that's when we met.   We had good times with the club and I was there for him when people started leaving.

He recently sold his last motorcycle.  I thought with the rally, he might miss the days of riding.  So I did the pictures because I thought it would like a nostalgia thing of when we first met.  The whole thing went south of course.   Now I'm a lying cheating ho.

Tell us more about what you were doing during all this,... .   when the accusations are flying, what are you doing?    What, if anything did you say?

When I feel like the situation is escalating,  I say that I'm not going to discuss in front of the kids,  when he ask a question I can give a simple non defensive answer to,  I say it and drop it.  I also divert attention, I'll pick up some toys laying around,  I find a discreet reason to step out of the room.  I usually try to go in a different room than the kids in case he decides to follow.  I said earlier when the ignore accusation flew that I was choosing not to engage and that it was different than ignoring.

After he left, Over text when continued the attack,  I replied
I'm not going to engage in a conversation that is fabricated out of something untrue.  I wanted to show you I was pleased by the good day we had.  That's it. 
He seemed taken aback about what I thought was so good about yesterday.  Told him
The conversations we had were pleasant, there wasn't anything that went wrong, I really appreciated what you said in your reply about checking on the bank, you made me laugh about the sky diving.  I had a really good day because we had really good exchanges. 
He replied with another nasty text message reiterating I should just get on the back of a bike and leave.  Him and the kids don't need me.  I never replied.  I could see at that point nothing else I said would matter because he already decided what was true.

All of this, he thinks could of been avoided if I had just said okay to his hair straightener comment.  Which isn't true.  He was looking for something to give him an excuse to justify his rage and accusation.

[Frankee]

Last night was another deregulation moment.  He was still in  crabby mood about earlier.  Made a couple snarky comments about me being selfish and acting tired.   He bought a 12 in 1 game thing for our oldest and it took a long time to put together.  I helped until I saw he was clearly getting agitated with the tedious work and my presence.   He told me that it was okay if I went to bed.  Gave a quick kiss a went to bed. 

Our youngest wakes up around 3:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep.  I was exhausted, my H hadn't gone to bed yet.  Another recipe for disaster.  He got mad because our baby cried when he came in the room.  Said some mean thing towards him so I went to go leave the room.  He said he wasn't saying to to me and I said, yes but you said some pretty horrible things to our baby.  His defense was he doesn't understand, I told him I do though.

Now he's pulling the I don't want to be with you, you make me miserable, when we get our taxes we are splitting them and going our separate ways.   This caught my attention... .  That the last few days I have been showing my true colors and how I truly feel,  it's always something with me every day.  I know what that is about, I've been applying the tools and tips I've learned and he can tell. He doesn't understand what is happening though.

When he asked why I didn't get something for our 7 year old.  I replied that I don't just go out and spend money without talking to him because we have a budget.  It may have come off as I don't have money, I give it all to him.  He lashed out saying I don't give him all my money and he uses it to pays bills that otherwise would get trashed. Even though I'm the one actually paying them.  I stopped arguing and focused on getting our baby to go back to sleep.  He made another jab about the bikers and now I wasn't so hot for them now that they left.  I thought to myself, it's because of him I'm not "hot" because he's acting like a  a**hole.

[babyducks]

Frankee,

I am sorry you are going through all this.   It is a very hard thing.    somewhere on this website it says this:

In the most troubled of relationships, it is not unusual for a “BPD” partner to abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that you cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive and leave you to feel confused and broken-hearted.

my ex partner was amazingly self destructive and self injured using, well, bluntly,  me, as a way to hurt herself.   I was often times collateral damage.  If you know what I mean.   she loved to be able to say 'ducks left the relationship but never mention that she had done something either dangerous or abusive that caused me to back away.    

If I am reading your posts correctly this has been a pretty long period of dysregulation,  with him ramping up, rather than down.   Is that right?

Our youngest wakes up around 3:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep.  I was exhausted, my H hadn't gone to bed yet.  Another recipe for disaster.  He got mad because our baby cried when he came in the room.  Said some mean thing towards him so I went to go leave the room.  He said he wasn't saying to to me and I said, yes but you said some pretty horrible things to our baby.  His defense was he doesn't understand, I told him I do though.

that's a hard one.    that had to be difficult to hear.     I am thinking the time has come to think about a safety plan.    a safety plan is something you create in advance, in moments of calm, that helps you to identify where your personal limits are, what behavior you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, and what happens when those limits are breached.

I had a safety plan.   In the short term it included having a go bag that was kept hidden with a change of clothes, credit cards, spare keys.   on a couple of occasions I had to leave the house in the middle of the night in my jammies.     In the long term it involved me keeping a separate residence that was just mine, a safe place where I could sleep.    

you may never need a safety plan.   but its 100 times better to have it and never use it, than to have to figure it out in times of emotional stress.    

I am going to suggest you do something really hard.   Find some time to be quiet and think about what behavior,  what actions, are unacceptable from your H.    I know that when we get in these long bouts of dysregulation, it's very easy to become more reactive than proactive.    Where is that line,  what could you H do or say that you would not tolerate.    And than think about what you would do from there.    Where would you go?   Who could you call?    :)o you have their phone numbers programmed somewhere?    I don't mind tell you that once in a very bad moment I needed to make an urgent phone call,   and my mind totally blanked on the number.    thank goodness it was programmed in my cell.    who can you lean on for support?    have you discussed any of this with your family?    friends?   members of the clergy if you are a person of faith?   is there money you can access if you needed to ?

I am not saying that your situation is the same as mine was, but I know that during a push cycle, a pwBPD feels they have to force the person who 'is causing them pain' away.  

'ducks

[Frankee]

If I am reading your posts correctly this has been a pretty long period of dysregulation,  with him ramping up, rather than down.   Is that right?

that's a hard one.    that had to be difficult to hear.     I am thinking the time has come to think about a safety plan.    a safety plan is something you create in advance, in moments of calm, that helps you to identify where your personal limits are, what behavior you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, and what happens when those limits are breached.

It got very bad this morning.  I ended up reaching out to an online abuse crisis hotline.  They helped to talk me through the destructive path my H left in his wake.  I'm not sure even where it got out of hand.  Started with him upset about a burning smell from the stove.  Told him I dropped egg on the burner.  He turned it into I:m using a dirty pan and I never clean.  Then he got upset about his side of the room being dirty.  Said I need to be a woman and clean this filth.  He got angry I hadn't gotten diapers or dog food.  I said I wanted to know what size bag or get and I could go after he gets home.  He blew up saying we always wait to the last minute.

I am going to suggest you do something really hard.   Find some time to be quiet and think about what behavior,  what actions, are unacceptable from your H.    I know that when we get in these long bouts of dysregulation, it's very easy to become more reactive than proactive.

I am not saying that your situation is the same as mine was, but I know that during a push cycle, a pwBPD feels they have to force the person who 'is causing them pain' away.  

Today was the first day I actually considered a safety plan.  I applied a statement I saw in the membership workshop.  I said,  Stop accusing me and blaming me.  Stop threatening me right now.  In a very calm firm voice.  He screamed at me no.  I repeated,  Stop.  We did that a couple times and I didn't reply.  His fury unleashed when he screamed a question and said why. When I looked at him and didn't respond,  he got up and said I was ignoring him,  even though I looked at him. 

He carried on.  Telling me he warned me,  told me I was about to loose everything, telling me I was going to regret what I did. Said if I had just stopped what I was doing,  none of this would have happened.  Said he was going to leave with our 18 month old.  He screamed, he threatened to do harm, got in my face twice, raging at me with his face twisted.  Before this happened, our 18 month old sat behind me on the couch.  I saw my H was becoming unhinged.  So I sat up tall and blocked the baby from seeing his rage.  I couldn't do anything about the sound.

I knew at that point, the safest thing to do was to hold my ground,  remain calm, still,  reiterate in firm voice what I won't accept.  It was extremely hard.  The amount of fury he had, scared me to the bone.  He's raged to this degree somewhat before, but something felt different this time.  I keep going over it in my head.  I think it goes back to the soda machine button metaphor.  I was spot on. I'm breaking the conditioned responses he's use too and he is not taking it well.