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My (probably) BPD mom
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Topic: My (probably) BPD mom (Read 593 times)
Atagalas
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3
My (probably) BPD mom
«
on:
November 10, 2017, 09:16:37 PM »
Well, this is new for me. I can't say as I've ever joined a message board before, but gosh darn it, I can't do this by myself anymore.
So here goes. I'm in my twenties, female, and the oldest child of a mom with undiagnosed BPD and a dad who just wants to keep the peace. I love them both dearly. I started going to counseling recently when I realized just how terrified I was of her, and with the possibility of starting a family soon, just how much I did not want to become her. It was there that my counselor mentioned that she might have BPD. I guess the best way I can think to introduce the rest of my situation is with the letter I just wrote her. Be forewarned though--it's long:
Dear Mom,
I'm writing this with the intention of you never reading it. In fact, I'll probably burn it when I'm done because I don't think rereading it will be helpful to me.
You keep asking me if we're ok. I think we were, for us. If what you're really asking is are we ok for a typical mother and daughter--maybe. Probably not. If you're asking if we're ok for what a mother and daughter should be--no.
You ask what you've done to make me not want to spend time with you. Nothing. And everything. Part of me wants to say it's not what you've done, it's who you are, but that feels unjust. Maybe a better way to state it is, it's not what you've done, it's how you've done it. But then, I don't think any of that will seem understandable to you. You want something you can fix so you can say, "Look, I've fixed it! Now come spend time with me," and maybe you will have fixed "it", but will you have "fixed" everything else? My guess is no. My guess is by fixing the thing, whatever it is, that you will say, "Look, I've fixed it because I love you. Now spend time with me so I know you love me too," when you will also be saying, "I've fixed it, so now you have no good reason not to spend time with me, and if you still choose not to, it's because you're a heartless b****."
THAT is the thing--that I do not feel safe around you. I can't remember the last time I felt safe with you. I go back to college, and then before. Maybe there was a time my senior year of high school when you hadn't "lectured" me in a while and I thought there was hope of a respectful adult-to-adult relationship. But slowly, without me realizing it until recently, those dreams have crumbled. The final nail in the coffin was when you showed your hand after my engagement. You showed me exactly what lengths you would go to to keep me yours and exactly how much power you had over our whole family--power to get them to completely discount everything I said even to the point of not listening to me and being your mouthpieces.
Even then, I thought things weren't all lost. I thought somewhere down the road, hopefully soon, that we would find a crowbar and pry all those nails loose.
But then another accusation against me arose. And another. And another. And then on my own birthday I was attacked. And by the time September rolled around and you finally cornered me for an evening together, I was terrified of you.
It was a fatal mistake, spending that evening with you. I was on high alert that entire night, although nothing happened. Not then. But then the floodgates were opened. Maybe it made you realize how little time we had spent together, or maybe it just whetted your appetite. But suddenly, once wasn't good enough. Now you're a snarling, hissing bobcat that demands to be hugged. A few weeks ago, I would have said a ravenous tiger looking to eat my heart, but I'm not as much of a rabbit as I was.
I do not want to spend time alone with you. And I desperately want to spend time with you. But I do not feel safe around you. I cannot even be unwell around you, much less myself.
You treat me like I am responsible for all the feelings you have about and around me. I have to be constantly vigilant lest I act the wrong way or say the wrong thing, and most of the time I still end up doing just that. It's no way to live. I cannot state my own opinion around you and yet you solicit my opinion of others and throw their opinions of me in my face. I cannot trust anyone in my own family because I never know who will report what back to you.
It used to be impossible for me to distinguish between my opinions and yours, and half the time it still is. You claim that I am wise for my youth, that I make good decisions, that you enjoy my ideas and opinions, but when it came to one of the biggest decisions of my life, a decision I had obviously put much thought and prayer into, you decided that my opinion wasn't good enough, that I wasn't capable of making this decision. I believe your exact words were, "BULL S***." Then, "I'm sorry, but that's a load of crap."
"Excuses," my own father said.
You can't have it both ways, you know. You can't be both my parent who still tries to correct me and have me as your confidante and expect me to confide in you. You can either be the adult friend to the adult me, albeit a friend who *was* privileged to help me become an adult, or you can be the parent still trying to parent an adult. There is no in between. On the one hand, we might have a chance at a closer-than-now relationship, but if it's the latter or some combination of the two we will grow steadily apart. And no, being "good" and NOT doing all the things I mention does not entitle you to make even occasional demands of me. Requests, always; demands, never.
Friends don't make demands. Friends also listen and validate. Friends can tell you where you might be wrong, but they don't lecture you or take you to task or tell you everything all your other friends think of you. Friends also are secure enough in themselves to trust the other friend and to not compare themselves or their friendship to other friends.
Everything I remember about our transitioning adult relationship has been the opposite.
Some of the things I remember:
I must feel like home is where you are. If I don't, you must be an bad mother. I must say I miss you if we've been apart. If I don't, I must not care for you. I must want to come home from college in the weekends because I must want to stay close to you and my family. I must call you every evening I college because I must tell you everything about my life. I must spend time with you alone, or you must be a bad mother. I must make everything ok, or else you won't be ok and neither will anyone else.
I can't trust you and I can't trust myself around you.
"Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law."
This is our relationship right now--I'm the defendant, you the prosecutor.
Except I'm done. If anything I say or do can be held against me--well, then I won't be around for you to hear or see me. Maybe in a larger group of people, but now it appears you've bought the jury too.
Yeah, I quit. I'm not playing this game anymore. And I'm sure as hell not bringing my future children into this game to be used against me.
So, you asked me if we're ok. We're ok as long as we hang out with other people. Anything else is not ok.
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Woolspinner2000
Retired Staff
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Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2012
Re: My (probably) BPD mom
«
Reply #1 on:
November 11, 2017, 09:14:52 PM »
Welcome
Atagalas
!
Thank you for coming and joining our online family. You'll find welcome and acceptance here. We understand what you are saying, and much of what you've gone through. So many of us that have a pwBPD in our lives have experienced something like what you have. It is hard to figure out what to do, how to respond to them, and how to heal from the deep wounds. Hang in there. Some extra hugs for you.
I'm glad that you are in T, and that you wrote the letter. Planning ahead is really good, especially with a marriage coming up and thoughts of having children down the road. My children were nearly grown before I heard about BPD, and it wasn't until then that I started in T, so you are wise to ask questions now.
Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board? ---->> > Where do you think you are on the list? Anything you click on will open up into a larger window. I find myself going back and forth on the list, but I am making progress. Please feel free to jump in and post on other threads, and read all that you can. There is a lot of information here to absorb.
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. -C.S. Lewis
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12183
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: My (probably) BPD mom
«
Reply #2 on:
November 11, 2017, 10:24:29 PM »
You lay out your emotions well in your letter... .if I had to sum up what she is communicating to you, would it be, "nothing you do is good enough." And maybe add, "for me!"
The engagement seems like a huge trigger for her. What's going on?
Turkish
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Atagalas
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3
Re: My (probably) BPD mom
«
Reply #3 on:
November 11, 2017, 10:51:17 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement, guys. Yeah, it definitely feels like nothing is good enough for her, and it make it really hard to be around her even if an interaction turns out ok.
So to answer your questions, as far as the recovery list goes, is probably say I'm focusing on step 8. I feel like I've been working through this for quite sometime without even realizing it, although I still fall prey to thinking her behavior is my fault a lot of times. I'm just starting to realize though, just how much she has affected me and how I think and function. It's not comfortable, to say the least.
And for the other question, gosh, where to start. When my husband and I were dating she thought he hung the moon. We were perfect for each other. She called him her adopted son. Then a few weeks after we got engaged she called me and said she and my dad had serious misgivings about our marriage. She called him lazy, socially awkward, potentially having social anxiety disorder, and possibly even narcissistic. He is none of these things, by the way. The phone call ended with me in tears, convinced that because I couldn't distinguish between her opinion and reality (I could literally feel my views evaporating) that I would end up breaking up with my best friend and the only man I could trust and that I would end up alone, bitter, and regretful the rest of my life.
Long story short, she convinced my dad, the logical one and the one I thought for sure would see through her, that she was right, and also all my younger siblings. It became a choice between my family and my future husband. I chose my husband.
By the grace of God, we had an excellent marriage counselor who immediately switched to mediator and was able to make my parents see that there was nothing to their (her) concerns. I still have no clue how he did it.
But my husband and I are now happily married for over a year!
There's a lot more to the story, and a lot of painful memories with my mom in there, but that's the gist.
Thanks for asking, and thanks for the welcome! It's so nice knowing I'm not the only one and that people can and do heal from this. And I'm not crazy!
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Turkish
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2014; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12183
Dad to my wolf pack
Re: My (probably) BPD mom
«
Reply #4 on:
November 11, 2017, 11:35:16 PM »
I'm glad you are happily married
Despite the parental pressure not to be so. Might some of this have to do with them wanting to make your marriage a version of theirs? Because that's what works for them.
The last time my mom challenged my life, so to speak, she suggested I go back to school to be a nurse like she was (leaving aside the fact that she complained about nursing as young as I could remember). I was 41, primary breadwinner, with two little kids to support. Like I could just give that up to pursue what she desired for me, which was really what she desired for herself... .me being like her.
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“For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Atagalas
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3
Re: My (probably) BPD mom
«
Reply #5 on:
November 12, 2017, 04:59:13 PM »
Wow, that must have been hard to have your mom question your current stage of life, especially when you were already capably supporting your family. How did you handle that?
I guess my mom could have thought that our dynamic was not enough like hers to suit her, but I'm guessing that was a secondary motivation. I'm willing to bet money that her first was the fear of abandonment. She talked a lot about how my husband was going to keep me from seeing them
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Woolspinner2000
Retired Staff
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2012
Re: My (probably) BPD mom
«
Reply #6 on:
November 12, 2017, 09:10:34 PM »
I've read and heard many different stories here coming from those who have married someone the pwBPD didn't approve of. Sometimes it seems as if the pwBPD reacts due to the fear of abandonment that you mentioned. Sometimes the new in-law becomes the perfect child and then the biological child gets painted black and is rejected. There are many different scenarios. Thank goodness for the gracious help of your T!
Congrats on a happy marriage!
Excerpt
... .as far as the recovery list goes, is probably say I'm focusing on step 8. I feel like I've been working through this for quite sometime without even realizing it, although I still fall prey to thinking her behavior is my fault a lot of times. I'm just starting to realize though, just how much she has affected me and how I think and function. It's not comfortable, to say the least.
It's good to hear that you've moved along so far already.
You are absolutely right, that this isn't comfortable at all. It is really tough at times IMHO. The healing and journey to recovery though is so well worth it. I found that when I started my own journey, I really had no idea how deeply affected I was by my uBPDm. My life was 'normal,' you know, the normal that we grew up with. Wasn't everyone else's life like that too? Little by little the blinders began falling off, and it was amazing what I found. I'm going to post a link to a book that has been very helpful to me, and it is one that you can work through on your own or with your T. My T was very helpful in guiding me through some of the areas that I got stuck on in the book. It was the first book I picked up about BPD.
Surviving a Borderline Parent
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. -C.S. Lewis
Brkfst@Tiffanys
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 15
Re: My (probably) BPD mom
«
Reply #7 on:
November 13, 2017, 03:22:08 PM »
Your letter is really beautifully written. Your story resonates with me - I was an adult before I realized my mom had BPD (this was a year ago). I'm also dealing with how she handles my life moving forward with my partner. She loved him in the early stages of relationship. However, a breakdown has started now that I've chosen to move abroad so that we're closer to his family. She and I have been estranged for all of 2017, and I just got engaged--I'm still trying to figure out how we'll tell her about the engagement and how/if we'll involve her in the wedding.
I found Understanding the Borderline Mother to be very helpful reading. I read it in about a day, highlighting something on almost every page. It gave me a lot of relief to find stories like my own and realize that I was not the only person in the world dealing with a mother like mine. Similar to Woolspinner's point, once the blinders came off, it changed a lot for me. You can't go back into the dark after you have this realization. For me, it meant that the next breakdown was going to be fundamentally different, because I can no longer stomach her outbursts and rage. I used to think I had to, but now I know I can set boundaries that work for me while still trying to include her
if she decides she can be in my life on mutually respected terms.
At the moment, me standing up for myself as made things worse than they've ever been, but on the flip side, I am more confident/accepting/at peace with that than I've ever been.
I still have imaginary conversations with her. I still stress about the ways she can or already has turned family members against me. I'm anxious about how to handle wedding stuff. But overall, I'm learning to accept that I can and have shown her compassion and been fair in how I deal with her, but that I don't have to bend over backwards and take her abuse just because she demands validation. I'm sick of stepping in front of the train just to get us back on the tracks, and I don't feel obligated to do that anymore. Hopefully you are coming to a similar place of acceptance that her reactions are her own. It's hard but valuable work - keep it up!
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