Did your mother need you to be sick?

[Isurvived]

My mother did, and I've been wondering who else had this problem.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism this year. It runs rampant in my mother's family, yet she never took me to the doctor to check whether I had it. I'm so suspicious of her behavior, now, that I wondered if she did this deliberately. I mean, that maybe she had a pretty good idea that I did have hypothyroidism, but didn't take me to the doctor because I would be easier to control if I weren't on medication.

While I can't discount that possibility, it still seems more likely to me that she just couldn't be bothered. I had quite a few health issues when I was younger, and she blew off most of them. It worked better for her that way. If her kids were causing her problems, she could play the martyr, and I believe that she loved that more than anything in the world. Oh, poor single mother! Her children cause her so many problems! What has she ever done to deserve this?

I think you know what I mean.

Who else has experienced this?

[HappyChappy]

We were sent to school ill all the time. My mother would never take us to the Dr. In her case it was simply because she was very selfish and just avoided doing things for other people. She sent me to school with red hot flue once, and she was arguing with the school nurse. The nurse looked completely flumexed and perplexed by my mothers insistence I was “Perfectly all right.” My Mom refused to look at the thermometer with my “dangerously high” temperature and instead tried to convince the nurse that I knew how to make my temperature go high. In fact my Mom was so convincing, I remember praying my temperature didn’t fall, because she would have given me hell if it had. Lol. This was not an isolated event, school sent us home ill a number of times and even then we were rarely taken to the Drs.

A BPD is extremely selfish and just doesn’t see any reason to do things for other people, unless there’s something in it for them. Nothing personal, just standard BPD behaviour. But more to the point, how has this effected you ? I know I tend to ignore illness, and never go to the Dr, so I’m working on that. What about you ?  

[Notwendy]

I was my mother's black child growing up and as a teen, she blamed me for the problems between her and my father. I didn't understand BPD at the time, but there was a lot going on in my home and I wanted to talk to someone about it. So I asked her to take me to a counselor. She was delighted because if it was me in counseling then she had "evidence" that I had the problem. But by then, I realized that she was out of control and wanted help dealing with it.

Years later, I had some mild post partum depression after the birth of one of my children. I mentioned it to her. She seemed delighted to tell all her friends and family about how "seriously" depressed I was. Then, at menopause she told everyone again how out of control I was because of  "the change".

I would think a mother who cared would be concerned about her daughter feeling down but it seems she enjoyed exaggerating the situation to others. Maybe as "evidence" that I was the one with "issues" in the family.

[Pilpel]

Notwendy, I could identify with your experience.  I don't think my mom is BPD, but I think she has some characteristics.  She could be very nurturing when we were sick.  But she always has a way of over-exaggerating.  And she has a list of family and friends that she likes to call and it's like golden currency when she has something awful and dramatic to share.  I saw this most clearly years ago after one of my kids was born and there were some health concerns.  And I realized I didn't want to show her how difficult things were for me.  I needed someone to tell me that I was strong and could handle the situation and to treat my emotional struggles with respect and confidence.  And instead my mom was looking for ways to add more catastrophe and drama to the story, and I knew she couldn't wait to get on the phone and tell people about how broken I was.  She meant well.  She was there waiting to swoop in and help out.  But I couldn't deal with her being around at that time. 

Like I said, I don't think my mom is BPD. But I do think that her more dysfunctional characteristics make her an easy target for being taken advantage of by her N/BPD DIL.

[Isurvived]

But more to the point, how has this effected you ?

I was a hypochondriac when I was 12/13. Two years later, after hitting puberty, I went into a period of dissociation. I didn't even know what it was until a month or so ago. I was looking up information on personality disorders, and the term "dissociating" kept cropping up. When I looked it up, I realized that this was what I'd been doing when I was 15. I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt completely detached from reality, and wondering what "reality" was. I failed most of my classes that year, and had to retake them.

And Mom just made it all about her. She never took me to the doctor or to a therapist. Well, eventually, she took me to an allergist. And she took me to a therapist the following year, but by that time, my state had improved tremendously.

I was diagnosed with food allergies, which may or may not have been the case - maybe an intolerance was present, but I don't know. Since I spent so much time thinking I was sick, I've tended to blow it off at times. I sometimes feel guilty about taking time for myself when I'm not feeling well.

I'm not sure that I was clear enough in my first post. I think Mom needed me to be sick so that she could take care of me. I also think she needed me to be sick so that I would depend on her. She was determined to keep me at home with her for the rest of her life, and I think having me sick was one way to accomplish that goal.

No wonder we all moved so far away from her. Some of my siblings remain unaware of the damage she did to us, and would never admit it even if confronted with the facts. They've bought into her little personality cult, and to them, she could do no wrong.

I can understand that, since it took me so long to see what was right in front of me.

[Pilpel]

Isurvived,

Do you think your mom had Munchausen by Proxy?   I've assumed that there is a range for MBP.  With MBP I think we tend to think of that as a mother doing something to make their child sick, sometimes actually physically harming them.  But then there's the mother that may not do anything physical to make the child sick, but makes the child believe that they're more sickly and weak and incapable than they actually are. I think that was my mom. With my mom I think her motivation was a combination of dealing with her own childhood trauma and ptsd.  And to make matters worse both of my parents were very religious and instilled a fear of "worldly" things.   

This topic makes me think of the Edith Wharton story Ethan Frome.  Where the wife acts very sickly and neurotic.  But when her husband and the woman he loves are disabled in an accident, she suddenly snaps back to health and takes on the caretaker role. 

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDxw is very weird around illness in general, but also with her daughters and illness.  Most of us hope nothing is wrong, but not her she's always looking (hoping?) for someone to have some horrible disease.

During their divorce when the ex had most custody... .younger daughter had a stomach ache on Monday mom kept her home for a week.  Needless to say daughter did not have a week long stomach ache to me it was more about mom needing someone to be with her.

She took the girls to a dermatologist for acne, but came home with a diagnosis of pre-diabetes for both of them because they apparently had dark rings around their necks the the "doctor said" was a symptom of diabetes.  Then she bought the girls several bags of Easter Candy    Not sure what this one was about maybe trying to get my SO engaged in saving their daughters while she made them sick on candy? (where's the eye rolling emoji when you need it?)

The latest is mom thinks she has a genetic disorder and had to make her younger daughter (older daughter is NC) have a blood test for it too.  Using her daughter to validate her condition?  If you have it then it confirms I do.

I know that part of her is really concerned for her daughters, but there is this other part that is all about her and her weird disordered thinking.  In general she is both over indulgent (overly concerned or cautious) and neglectful (waited 3 months to get daughter with a tooth ache to the dentist for example).

She was raised mostly by nannies and I always wondered if she received more attention from her parents when she was sick.

I don't know... .interesting topic.

Panda39

[Isurvived]

Do you think your mom had Munchausen by Proxy?   I've assumed that there is a range for MBP.  With MBP I think we tend to think of that as a mother doing something to make their child sick, sometimes actually physically harming them.  But then there's the mother that may not do anything physical to make the child sick, but makes the child believe that they're more sickly and weak and incapable than they actually are.

I can say, definitely, that Mom was constantly undermining my self-confidence. And then she would tell me that I had no self-confidence. Gee, I wonder why? It's not a big stretch from undermining my self-confidence to making me believe I was sickly.

I didn't know that Munchausen by Proxy could be psychological rather than physical; I'll have to read more about that. She definitely got attention from me being sick. She got to complain, which was important, and she got sympathy, which was just as important. Perhaps even more so. You see, by having a "bad" kid - and that was always me - she could get all kinds of sympathy. If she talked about the problems she had with her kids, people would think it was the fault of the kids. I don't think anyone ever said to her, "Well, what about it? If you're having problems with your kids, maybe you're the one responsible. Who is the parent here?"

I wish someone had. I really do. But Mom was a true expert at fooling people, and as I've said before, she was very smart. She was always watching me - how I dressed, what I ate, my reactions to various things - and, I know now, filing away her observations for later use.