Girlfriend with BPD left me, seemingly out of nowhere

[Steez]

Our relationship started before she was diagnosed, not that I’d have cared any how, I love her for who she is. When we met, things were just different. It felt like we just fit together. We did everything together, when we weren’t at work we were together doing something. She’d rave to our mutual friends about how she loved the little cute things I’d do for her, and how she was so happy with me. Our mutual friend agreed, the happiest she’d seen her was when we first started dating. We talked about a future, how cute our kids would be, what sports they’d play, how and where our wedding would be. She’d said she couldn’t ever see it ending, and I agreed. We’re in our early 20’s but it wasn’t just bs talk, when I graduate college I planned on marrying her (I have a job as an EMT that pays well enough to have set us up decently).

Then, out of what felt like nowhere, she tells me she’s not happy, and that it feels like we’re too different. She said I had a different sense of humor, she doesn’t feel comfortable at my house. She also said it felt like we never got past “just dating”, which also makes no sense because we both had met each other’s parents several times, whereas her ex’s never did. She was planning a cruise for my birthday as close as a week out from dumping me. We always used to laugh together, she’d fall asleep with her head on my chest every night we spent at my house.

I could tell she was becoming more and more depressed as she was diagnosed with BPD on top of depression. It just seemed like in a short amount of time she just changed. Even close friends say she’s just different now. It breaks my heart. Her smiles became less frequent, and I started thinking about little things that showed her insecurities. In a birthday card to my mother, she thanked her for raising me the way she did, and how she didn’t feel like she deserved someone who loved and respected her like I did. I frequently made a point to tell her that I loved her, and try to boost her confidence. I told her it broke my heart to hear her downing herself, and she’d say she just wished she could see what I saw. She went on a trip to see family while I had to work, we’d exchange sappy texts and she told me how much she missed me. She said I was her best friend, and she loved me.

That’s why I was so shocked to hear that after 6+ months of what felt like would never end, she just 180’d. Does what I described sound like it was her BPD? Her attitude towards friends even changed, she kind of shut everyone out. I talked to her some 5 days after she cut it off, telling her I felt like I’d lost my other half, and she just said she doesn’t feel that way, despite what we shared and felt previously. Our friends are confused, I’m confused, but she just said she wants me to move on because she’s done.

I’m heartbroken. I love this girl, but it’s like she just shut down and pushed us all away. It’s been 3 weeks, and we haven’t talked. I want her back badly, is it uncommon for that to happen? The thought that what we had might be done for good, just out the blue, kills me.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hello, Steez

I am very sorry about your situation. I know how painful this is as well as many people here. We never know when to keep hope, but most of us experience frequent breakups.

My story started just like yours, I met my gf and she soon called me "my soul mate" "love of my life", we were "destined to be together" we felt like we knew each other from always, we "read each other's minds... ." we felt like we have found someone from the same planet after living all our lives among strangers. It was very intense. And you'll read many stories like that here.

Just today, when I don't even know if we are together or not, she told me in a casual conversation "I don't know if there are two people worse for each other in the planet". Some minutes later she was praising how good I am, and how my parents should be proud of me. But this time she is breaking up with me because "I'm good" and she keeps hurting me again and again, so the praise doesn't mean she's taking me back, at all.

It gets very complicated and you need to learn a lot about BPD to understand where each thing comes from.

The diagnosis is a hard blow. Specially if she has been online wanting to learn about it and found so many haters that speak about the stigma of the illness. She could see herself as a monster right now, and then rebel against it. As in "all sane people are the enemy". It is very sad if she was much better before the diagnosis. Some therapist prefer not to tell it. Because the Stigma is huge, and it can overwhelm the person with shame. Shame and fear are the worst enemies of BPD. They turn to rage, and isolation, and worse.

Think about her as a wounded animal, she will bite if you try to help or heal her. So approach with care and patience. Keep the contact if you feel is what you want. And keep your expectations low. Just remind her you are there, and that this is not what you want. Let her know she is not abandoned, just that, and wait for her if you can. Don't presure, but let her know you miss her, and validate her feelings a lot. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

Take this time to prepare yourself. Read the lessons on the right of this page, the BASIC tools first. And you'll learn how to comunicate things without scaring her away.

Don't forget about yourself and your own feelings, just take care, do nice things for yourself. Distract yourself some times. Find support, tell your story, have a beer with some friends, see your family... .OK?

Tell us how it goes, I wish you the best luck.

[Steez]

I’m giving her some space, letting her kind of figure herself out cause she said she wanted me to move on. I don’t want to give the impression I’m desperate, which is tough cause I want to be there and encourage her and be her rock like I used to be. I hope one day she’ll look at how things were and want to try and keep going, but like you said, I’m not gonna be optimistic about it happening. My friends all tell me “it’s her loss”, but it’s just sad it even happened. I just wanted to make her happy.