Haunted from Sex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have never posted before. It feels strange knowing there are others out there that “get it”- because I have yet to meet someone who really REALLY does when it comes to BPD/NPD partners.


My BPD/NPD always had issues with intimacy, yet we had great sex. I am female, and I have been with many men. Nothing compares to our sex though. I went 60 days NC and then I caved... .we were back for another month and a half until about 3 weeks ago: he discarded ME after I finally stood up to him. I always took the abuse and kept quiet. ALWAYS. This time I finally yelled back and “stooped to his level” so to speak. The guilt of doing so went away because it really was what I needed. (Not what I wanted- what I needed... .) I think he got really scared of me.

I haven’t felt any sexual urges very much, but when I do... .I can only think of him. Literally it is so frustrating because even if I try to watch porn or something more “platonic” regarding sex, he pops into my brain. I am trying to keep my sex life and sexuality alive here, but he is everywhere when it comes to this. It is actually particularly disheartening because I feel like he now OWNS my body and mind. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it even possible to have an orgasm and enjoy sex with someone else ever again? Perhaps I sound silly. I am just hopeless. I was truly brainwashed. Sometimes I think he was so insistent on my orgasm just so I would feel more attached- not because he cared. I feel like I am also done being “unbrainwashed” yet this is the part that I cannot shake. I am scared that I will be judged for posting about such a vulgar topic... .but I am truly hopeless when it comes to this and it is very upsetting. I usually feel guilt and shame after I masturbate now, and I avoid it. I know I don’t HAVE to masturbate, but I am fighting to not let this part of me die (if that makes sense). I want life to go on as usual. I know I might be forcing this. I guess I’m just looking for validation that it is normal to feel sexually haunted after a BPD relationship. Also if anyone has any success stories of getting their BPD out of their head when it comes to all things sexual, I would love to read about it. Even a song about something remotely sexual has me thinking about him. It’s not fun or pleasurable thoughts: it is saddening, terrifying, and frustrating. I’m 23... .I am not letting him ruin my sex life! Enough of me has already been killed because of him... .not this too. Is it even possible to get this part of me back? I know part of it is the PTSD, but still... .I am so hopeless.

[Will2Power]

I have never posted before. It feels strange knowing there are others out there that “get it”- because I have yet to meet someone who really REALLY does when it comes to BPD/NPD partners.


My BPD/NPD always had issues with intimacy, yet we had great sex. I am female, and I have been with many men. Nothing compares to our sex though. I went 60 days NC and then I caved... .we were back for another month and a half until about 3 weeks ago: he discarded ME after I finally stood up to him. I always took the abuse and kept quiet. ALWAYS. This time I finally yelled back and “stooped to his level” so to speak. The guilt of doing so went away because it really was what I needed. (Not what I wanted- what I needed... .) I think he got really scared of me.

I haven’t felt any sexual urges very much, but when I do... .I can only think of him. Literally it is so frustrating because even if I try to watch porn or something more “platonic” regarding sex, he pops into my brain. I am trying to keep my sex life and sexuality alive here, but he is everywhere when it comes to this. It is actually particularly disheartening because I feel like he now OWNS my body and mind. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it even possible to have an orgasm and enjoy sex with someone else ever again? Perhaps I sound silly. I am just hopeless. I was truly brainwashed. Sometimes I think he was so insistent on my orgasm just so I would feel more attached- not because he cared. I feel like I am also done being “unbrainwashed” yet this is the part that I cannot shake. I am scared that I will be judged for posting about such a vulgar topic... .but I am truly hopeless when it comes to this and it is very upsetting. I usually feel guilt and shame after I masturbate now, and I avoid it. I know I don’t HAVE to masturbate, but I am fighting to not let this part of me die (if that makes sense). I want life to go on as usual. I know I might be forcing this. I guess I’m just looking for validation that it is normal to feel sexually haunted after a BPD relationship. Also if anyone has any success stories of getting their BPD out of their head when it comes to all things sexual, I would love to read about it. Even a song about something remotely sexual has me thinking about him. It’s not fun or pleasurable thoughts: it is saddening, terrifying, and frustrating. I’m 23... .I am not letting him ruin my sex life! Enough of me has already been killed because of him... .not this too. Is it even possible to get this part of me back? I know part of it is the PTSD, but still... .I am so hopeless.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Will2Power and

Yes, you're in the right place to find people who truly do get it.  You'll find that you're in good company here.  I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this aspect of your detachment.  Do I understand correctly that it has been 3 weeks since your last split from your ex?  If so, I'd not worry too much at this stage.  It is only a relatively short time since you came out of the recycle so it's normal to feel longing and be preoccupied by memories at this point.  I can tell you it gets better.  These things just take some time.

Don't feel concerned about being judged for your post.  We are not in the business of casting judgement.  It is a fair and level playing field on this forum and we speak freely about our concerns here.  I can relate to your upset at the loss of the sex after your relationship ended.  I've posted about this previously.  For me, that was the last thing to haunt me as we had what seemed like a perfectly matched libido and preferences.  There was never any room for complaint, put it that way and my ex also went to great lengths to ensure my pleasure.  He valued that above all else in our sex life and I can't say any previous lovers matched up to that.  I was fearful that I would never find anyone who did.  Now I remind myself that I have a say in how my sexual experiences play out and can take the lead.  You were part of what made the sex so good between you and don't forget that.

You mention guilt and shame - where does that come from do you think?  What are you feeling guilty about?

How are you feeling about the breakup aside from this concern?

Keep posting here and reading.  There is much to be gained from involving yourself in the discussions here, as community support has great benefit for our detaching and healing.  We're here for you.

Love and light x 

 

[Will2Power]

I was near tears reading this reply. (Tears of joy!) It was the first time I have ever had any validation on his. Thank you, Harley Quinn.

I feel guilty for still thinking of him sexually I think... .everyone around me (my alcoholic mother in particular) thinks that I am “insane” for even mentioning him or longing for him in any capacity. Once I sighed and explained that I missed summer days when my ex and I would play basketball together and I got verbally abused for being “stupid”. This was an innocent activity- nothing sexual at all, and I was still berated for the expression of that.

 People seem to get very defensive when you open up about any kind of longing or missing when it comes to your BPD ex. Anyone else feel that way? Maybe it’s my mother only, but even friends are quick to judge and tell you to just “move on”. Usually the questions is: “why the heck would you ever miss someone who treated you that terribly?” And then you feel confused. Why WOULD I miss him? Anyway, I think that’s the guilt and shame then. Because not only do I sometimes miss him and want to find a way to contact him, now I am having intrusive sexual thoughts too. It makes me ashamed. I am not actually going to reach out- but the withdrawals are so real. I want to forget him. I really do. I promise. I just have intrusive thoughts. The sexual ones are the most demeaning to my hope.

I guess that means I am feeling sad about the breakup... .But I hide it from everyone and tell them I am relieved about it.  Because everyone was worried as my mental health/physical health deteriorated because of the abuse. Also friends worried that he would kill me because he often threatened to in descriptive ways... .I was sick a lot too because while I was being his caretaker, I wasn’t taking care of myself at all. I was supporting him 100% and not caring for myself... .he would be suicidal so I would stay up and make sure he was OK. If I did take time for me in any way, I was called selfish. (Small Example: I work full time and go to grad school full time. Often times I would make it all the way home from class which was near his place, and THEN he decided he wanted to see me. He knew where I was because he always made me have my location turned on. When I would explain that I wished he has decided sooner/I was already in bed, he would throw a fit and tell me how uncaring I was. OR he would be passive aggressive and I knew a fight was going down the next I did see him... .So I would rip myself out of bed late at night and drive BACK downtown to him. It’s like he loved to test me... .)

 It makes sense to not want to show the world that you are missing someone who hurt you- especially when they judge you for it. But I really am sad... .and there are days where I feel like I would give anything to be back in his stupid apartment. I also know that this relationship would have killed me- or he would have (again, he has threatened many times to and was physically abusive during borderline rage moments.) I guess it really is odd to miss someone who did this to me... .

Being able to write this out is already a relife. It helps process it I think... .and I am so grateful for your reply. You have no idea <3 thank you.

[truthbeknown]

Will to power:

You are NOT alone here.  This is not even age dependent.  I am in my early 50's and it's been 6 months and i'm finally not AS haunted by the sex.  First, like you (and i've read countless stories on here) the sex was awesome.  But in this relationship it was different.  She said i was her first man she had had sex with since her divorce (married 20 yrs).  I have to say i was a little worried and hesitant to engage at first.  So chased me and i have to say i enjoyed that.   She seemed intent on pleasing me too but the truth is that i was able to break down some of her emotional walls and let her be more accepting of the other happening.  What haunted me for awhile was how she was so vulnerable with me and that in and of it self was more pleasurable then the sex.  I think i knew from the beginning that she was a control freak but there were layers to it.  Anyway, we too broke up and then had a recylce.  However the fallout from the recycle was that I found out she had started being with another man and in our last sexual encounter she devalued our intimacy by asking me if i was a sex addict after we made love.  I know it was projection but it hurt.   When i found out she was with a new man shortly after my discard (i found out later she had been with him shortly after my recycle started) I could not stop thinking about the two of them having sex together.  Talk about being haunted!   

So what have i done to help.  I listened to some hypnosis tracks online about getting over an ex and then i made my own self hypnosis track for getting over it.  Like doing hypnosis for stopping a craving it doesn't erase the memory of it but i am able to overlay the visual with a technique.  When i think about us or them having sex I imagine that picture far away from me or shrinking down to where i see the image in a sand castle on a beach.  I got this idea because as a kid i used to leave by a beach and made sand castles.  Any kid who's ever made a sand castle knows the frustration of building one and then the waves washing it away.  Actually it can also be part of the fun (i digress).  So i envision the picture of the two of them in a bed in the room of the sand castle and then whooshhhhh the wave comes rushing over the castle with them in it.  The picture of them is then gone.  It's called an overlay.    I've done it for something that she texted me to.  I work in a store that has a display of flowers.  When we were going out i texted her a pic of the flowers and she texted back, "you don't need to send me flowers, you already have my heart."  My brain converted the words into an auditory message that kept playing in my head everytime i walked by the flower stand.  So I then did an overlay for that.  When i walk past the flowers i remember the sound of the forklift that goes "beep beep beep" really loud.  So now everytime i look at the flowers i force my mind to hear "beep beep beep" instead of her words.  It's almost like she is trying to say them but the beeps overtake them.   These are some things i learned from NLP and hypnosis.    See if you can apply the overlays first and then if you need more help try some online hypnosis tracks for getting over an ex.   I paid for a few but they were cheap.   

I still remember that the sex was great but the emotional charge is not present.  Now i don't know how i would feel if i saw her in person.  I had a chance to see her last week at a public function and decided not to go to avoid having to deal with it. 

Sad perhaps that we have to go to extremes like this to dull an emotion but they projected enmeshment onto us.  They projected us being their object so now we have to find tools to break the pattern of feeling like their object.   To separate ourselves and be ourselves again.   Another way to do that is to avoid masturbation for awhile and do self Karezza.  It's like self cuddling and self touching without orgasm.  This will stop you from associating or conditioning a track in your brain that anchors orgasm to your ex.   It works but takes discipline.   Self Karezza is still touching but without going all the way.  I hope this helps.

[Pencil sketch]

Thank you for raising this issue.
The times my ex has recycled, is for the sex, and I believe, they struggle with it as much as we do.
This time however, was different.
I have moments, where memories bring me to My knees, and I have to catch my breath.
It's something she admitted, she also struggled with, and when i call her out on it, she vehemently denies it.
I have no advice, I am in the same position as you, atm, I can't imagine being with anyone but her, but as this process dictates, it's an addiction, and time and patience is the way through it.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi W2P,

I'm pleased that it was validating for you to be understood.  Most of us know what it feels like to try to speak to others who haven't been in our shoes.  It can be hard for them to wrap their heads around how different an experience a BPD r/s is, and this can be pretty common:

Maybe it’s my mother only, but even friends are quick to judge and tell you to just “move on”. Usually the questions is: “why the heck would you ever miss someone who treated you that terribly?” And then you feel confused. Why WOULD I miss him?

The idealisation stage at the outset of a BPD r/s can be really addictive and we often strive to see glimpses of that again.  Coupled with intermittent reinforcement from our partner, we can be seriously hooked.  It is like having a drug addiction.  Have you read anything about trauma bonding out of interest?  I say this because much of what you describe in your last post I also encountered and I do believe that it was a deep trauma bond in the end, rather than one of love.  Maybe that's something to explore in time.  Right now, I'm glad that you're posting here and would encourage you to continue.  We really do understand what you are feeling and why.

I wasn’t taking care of myself at all. I was supporting him 100% and not caring for myself... .he would be suicidal so I would stay up and make sure he was OK. If I did take time for me in any way, I was called selfish.

This struck a chord in me.  I too was sleep deprived through being sucked into all of that chaos and drama.  My ex repeatedly made attempts on his life then often went missing to prevent being treated, so any time of the day or night I could be in the hospital or dealing with paramedics, giving statements to police who were searching for him, and the list goes on.  The exhaustion yet feeling on edge all the time, in red alert mode, can really take it's toll on a person.  I feel for you that you've had that feeling also.  It must be a relief to be free of those anxiety provoking situations, despite the pain you're going through.  

Regards the abuse and death threats, did you ever seek support from a DV advocate and do you currently feel safe?  

Love and light x

  

[once removed]

hi Will2Power, i want to join the others in welcoming you to the family.

i can really relate to the idea that it felt somehow wrong to miss my ex, or to even think of her. i felt like if i felt anything other than disdain or indifference, that something was very wrong with me. i tell ya, things got a lot easier for me when i tossed that to the side. it is perfectly normal to miss, mourn, yearn for, a loved one, even one that has treated us unkindly, or worse. it doesnt help that the people around you are reinforcing this idea; most of the people around me were fairly understanding, about BPD, that this was a tough breakup, but the extent to which i struggled was pretty lost on them too. its like anything else. "you had to be there". youre here with a community that has been.

dont fight against yourself or your feelings. it will make them worse, it will heighten shame and feelings of inadequacy.

as for the sex? im seven years out of my relationship; i still think of her sometimes. why not? she was sexy, and we had good times.

i realize theres a lot of pain attached to those thoughts right now. im not telling you to indulge them. i am encouraging you not to judge them. the pain doesnt last forever. it gets better.

[chapter100]

I haven’t felt any sexual urges very much, but when I do... .I can only think of him. Literally it is so frustrating because even if I try to watch porn or something more “platonic” regarding sex, he pops into my brain.

You are not alone in this experience.  My libido is mostly gone - partly due to depression and partly due to the SSRIs I'm taking for the depression - but when it exists it's focused entirely on my BPD ex and the man she cheated on me with/my replacement.

People seem to get very defensive when you open up about any kind of longing or missing when it comes to your BPD ex. Anyone else feel that way? Maybe it’s my mother only, but even friends are quick to judge and tell you to just “move on”.

This is my experience as well.  I have curtailed any attempt to talk about my situation with most of my friends because I feel like their wishes and mine regarding my BPD ex are entirely different and rather than empathy they only offer "relief" that she's no longer in my life.