Online abuse crisis help

[Frankee]

It got very bad this morning.  I ended up reaching out to an online abuse crisis hotline.  They helped to talk me through the destructive path my H left in his wake.  I'm not sure even where it got out of hand.  Started with him upset about a burning smell from the stove.  Told him I dropped egg on the burner.  He turned it into I'm using a dirty pan and I never clean.  Then he got upset about his side of the room being dirty.  Said I need to be a woman and clean this filth.  He got angry I hadn't gotten diapers or dog food.  I said I wanted to know what size bag or get and I could go after he gets home.  He blew up saying we always wait to the last minute.

Today was the first day I actually considered a safety plan.  I applied a statement I saw in the membership workshop.  I said,  Stop accusing me and blaming me.  Stop threatening me right now.  In a very calm firm voice.  He screamed at me no.  I repeated,  Stop.  We did that a couple times and I didn't reply.  His fury unleashed when he screamed a question and said why. When I looked at him and didn't respond,  he got up and said I was ignoring him,  even though I looked at him. 

He carried on.  Telling me he warned me,  told me I was about to loose everything, telling me I was going to regret what I did. Said if I had just stopped what I was doing,  none of this would have happened.  Said he was going to leave with our 18 month old.  He screamed, he threatened to do harm, got in my face twice, raging at me with his face twisted.  Before this happened, our 18 month old sat behind me on the couch.  I saw my H was becoming unhinged.  So I sat up tall and blocked the baby from seeing his rage.  I couldn't do anything about the sound.

I knew at that point, the safest thing to do was to hold my ground,  remain calm, still,  reiterate in firm voice what I won't accept.  It was extremely hard.  The amount of fury he had, scared me to the bone.  He's raged to this degree somewhat before, but something felt different this time.  I keep going over it in my head.  I think it goes back to the soda machine button metaphor.  I was spot on. I'm breaking the conditioned responses he's use too and he is not taking it well.

[babyducks]

Hey there Frankee,

I am glad you made that call to the hotline.   I hope they were able to provide some helpful information and maybe some, a little peace of mind.

I am also glad you are working on a safety plan.    do you have any brothers or sisters in the immediate vicinity?   family?    is there someplace you casually go,  Oh I am stopping at Sister Sue's house to help with the new curtains for an hour... .a way to allow you time and space away from the tension of the household?

'ducks

[formflier]

I knew at that point, the safest thing to do was to hold my ground

This is important enough to not reply to anything else in this post.

"Holding ground" is NOT the safest thing to do.  Very important to reflectively... .think through this, because it will likely come up again. 

If the "ground" is "worth holding", then it's worth holding.  That may or may not be "safe".

The "safest" thing to do is to exit the situation so there can be NO physical contact.  See how that is different than "holding ground"?

"Leaving" a situation needs to be done carefully as well.  Much likely Baby Ducks mentioned going to do curtains.  Make it about something else.  Mention that you will be back in 10 minutes.

What would have happened if you had said "I need to go change the baby's diaper.  I'll be back to talk to you in 10 minutes?"

See how that would have gotten you and the baby out of the situation, not accused him of anything, let him know you were not "abandoning" him.  Have you tried this before?

   

FF

[Frankee]

"Holding ground" is NOT the safest thing to do.  Very important to reflectively... .think through this, because it will likely come up again. 

If the "ground" is "worth holding", then it's worth holding.  That may or may not be "safe".

The "safest" thing to do is to exit the situation so there can be NO physical contact.  See how that is different than "holding ground"?

Let me elaborate. This was one of the worse ones he had.  When I say hold my ground, I mean by sitting still and being calm as possible.  If I had tried to exit this scene, I feel it would have highly escalated into physical encounter.  I felt at the time, it was not safe to stand up or make an excuse to step out of the room or make movements that he could perceive as my attempt to call the police or go for a weapon.   He was like a caged animal and he would have perceived it as a threat.  I wouldn't had put it past him to force me to set the baby down so he could get to me.  That's how I felt.

"Leaving" a situation needs to be done carefully as well.  Much likely Baby Ducks mentioned going to do curtains.  Make it about something else.  Mention that you will be back in 10 minutes.

What would have happened if you had said "I need to go change the baby's diaper.  I'll be back to talk to you in 10 minutes?"

See how that would have gotten you and the baby out of the situation, not accused him of anything, let him know you were not "abandoning" him.  Have you tried this before?

   

Normally I feel like this would have worked.  Finding a reason to step out of the room.  But I know at that point if I had said something about a diaper change, he would have screamed at me that it could wait. 

He's been building up since the incident with the bikers coming through town.  I have been applying my tools and things I've learned.  It seems that something snapped in his head.  Every since then, he's been on a backslide that I couldn't stop.  He even blamed the collapse of his entire club on me, which isn't true.

When it was happening, my mind was flipping through ways to think of removing myself and the child from the situation.  I have to admit, part of me froze.  I thought about calmly telling him I was going to change diaper or needed to use the restroom or something, but I knew he would be able to tell I was making an excuse and would become even more angry saying I was ignoring him or trying to do one of the above.

I agree that holding ground isn't safe in certain circumstances, but something about this was different and I honestly was scared if I attempted to step away from the situation, that's what could have caused a possible physical escalation.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you had to experience this. I am so proud of you. I know exactly what you mean about holding ground. I have had those moments when distract and disappear was possible and i've had them when it was't. Staying calm is so hard but you did it. Well done.   I found this item on rage very helpful. Maybe it will help you too.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

Keep posting so that we know you are ok.

[babyducks]

I like what hope2727 said and the link was helpful too.

the best case scenario is for you (and your children) not be exposed to rages of these types.    and employing a distract and disappear strategy, is normally a good approach.  nothing works perfectly each and every time, especially in the chaotic circumstances of a rage.

moving forward,  looking into today, tomorrow and the upcoming weekend, how are things looking?  do you feel safe?    do you feel that you will be able to communicate safely with your H?   would it be possible to do some preplanning to build in a time out.    a chance to give yourself some self care and relief from the tension building that is going on?   maybe a play date with the children?   a trip to the local museum?   

I hope you keep working on your safety plan.

'ducks   

[Frankee]

I was honestly really scared about what was going to happen when he came home.  He was gone all day which was actually a relief.  I think we both needed serious space.  The people on the hotline (did the online chat) really helped me work through it.   They provided links to local support groups, shelters, legal links.  I also had the instant contact with a person who reassured me that what was happening wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it.

I was asleep when he came home.  I had our toddler sleeping next to me because he was having trouble sleeping.  I'm worried he was feeling scared. I'm trying to be more aware of the impact this is having on the children. The people on the hotline provided information about the kids and long term affect.  It is very concerning.  It is making me observe how I am handling things.

My H didn't do or say anything to me when he came home late.  I heard him come in the room, rustle around for something and then went out into the living room.  I didn't hear him come to bed, but I woke up around 1am to put the toddler back in his bed.  The toddler woke me up around 5:30 and my H had at some point wrapped around me and was spooning.  When I went to get the baby, he made a whine sound and didn't want to let me go at first.

I am upset and still hurt.  I don't think he has any idea about what I was going through emotionally after he left.  The amount of suffering and struggling I experienced.  What's even worse is I not even sure he would care if I told him.  If he's still angry,  he might try to blame that on me as well.  I'm left not knowing what to even say to him.  I have nothing to apologize for.  I refuse to validate anything that happen.  I'm not going to JADE.  I'm not sure I should even initiate communication. 

[formflier]

I'm glad you have called the abuse hotline.  Is that a local group?  Are they people you could go see in person.

Is your phone secure or does your H have access to it?  I recommend security to everyone, however if he is used to have access, it would appear he is sensitive to changes.  Changes should be done carefully.

Calling 911 or the act of making a phone call can be escalating in some situations.  For that very reason, many localities have instituted "text to 911"

https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/what-you-need-know-about-text-911

911 centers are usually based in each county, although some are regional.  Most are affiliated with or "under" the Sheriff dept.  There can be a lot of nuance about how text to 911 is handled. 

Your best bet is to call the 911 center directly to get instructions.  Many will let you "practice" with them on the phone (call the non emergency number... .do not call 911 to sort this out) so you can be confident that when you reach out via text it will get to them

Many also will let you add notes to "your address" or perhaps you "phone number account" so they have an idea of what is going on in the house.  As in if you text them for help and have put notes on the account, if your text says "I need help" it would trigger their system to show them the notes you have about a baby being in house, husband's history... .etc etc.

I have had a couple executive jobs in county government, so I can geek out on some of these details and there can be lots of nuance from county to county (and state to state) about how all of this gets handled.  So, go directly to the people that will be getting the call from you.

I hope this helps.  I hope you never feel the need to make the call (or text), but I DO want you to be confident that if you do text or call... .that you get an appropriate response.

Hang in there!

   


FF

[Frankee]

That is helpful to know about the 911 calls.  Entering in information, texting, and such.  Hopefully I will never have to go that far, but it is a peace of mind knowing that I have the option.  I online chatted with the national abuse hotline.  I googled it.  I didn't really feel comfortable talking on the phone... that and it would be hard to talk through all my ugly crying.  I found the online chat and talked to an advocate for awhile.  They reminded me of this forum.  Didn't advise me whether or not to stay, just provided support, local resources, and suggestions on what to do to stay safe if I couldn't leave.  I felt really comforted talking to them and they helped bring me back down to a calm state.

I'm at work and started feeling ill.  Think I might be coming down with a stomach bug.  I got sick and didn't make it to the restroom so I got some on my pants.  I contacted my brother in law that is watching the baby.  I asked if he could find some clean pants I could change into.  I told him what happened and I would call my H to see if he could bring the pants up.  I'm down the street so it isn't far.  I was surprised when my H just showed up without me talking to him.  I studied his face, tone, and demeanor during our interaction.  I wasn't feeling well and I couldn't hide it.  I told him how I was feeling and what happened.  He seemed concerned, even brought me Tylenol in.  He seemed just fine, like nothing even happened.  He even told me he would pick me up from work.  I told him I appreciated it and I would hug him but I didn't want to get him sick.  He said he understood and told me he hoped I was feeling better.  I told him bye and he said love you, see you after work.

Opinions?  Could this be the extinction burst I keep hearing about?  Does he seem normal because of how I handled the situation?  Maybe the question I asked him really made him think?  Or am I just blowing smoke up my own a** and this is just a temporary passing phase.  I do believe the latter.  I already know that that episode yesterday wasn't the end of it.  I am fully prepared for another "burst" or explosion to occur.  There is no way this isn't temporary.

[formflier]

I'm so sorry you are sick... .   

Remember... .BPD is a very "in the moment thing" and the "moments" swing very rapidly.  And... .they sometimes act like they don't remember the same moments that you do.

So... .it was very likely that he really was concerned and felt and expressed genuine love for you... ."in that moment".

For now... .can you concentrate on caring for yourself... .you can figure out the BPD thing later...

Hang in there.

FF

[hope2727]

Hi I just wanted to check in on you. I want you to know that you are very brave. I am sorry you are feeling ill. I also want you to know that when those extreme moments of rage happen there are 4 natural responses that you might experience

1) fight - raging back yup I've been there.
2) flight - the need to flee the situation yup I've done that too

now the 2 we are less familiar with

3) freeze - think deer in the headlights I've experienced it but now as often. Its disconcerting because your bring is going a million miles a minute or like mine goes completely blank but somehow you know you just have to stay still and quiet. I think this is what you may have experienced. Its very primal and a completely normal reaction to a stressor. Think of the baby gazelle hiding in the grass hoping the lion doesn't see them.

4) fawn - the sucking up to disarm them reaction yup i've done that too. I've seen this one lots in horses but you may be more familiar with dogs. Its when they act all submissive and sucky as if to say don't beat me up I'm just a little sweetie pie and I'm no threat at all. Its like when we try to comfort and soothe the rager while acting all sweet. Also a natural and primal response.

So you are normal. Your brain is kicking in and trying to protect you.

Now what you have to do is start using your brain that saved you to prepare to protect yourself in the future. Start thinking ahead. What can you do for a safety plan? Who is a safe place to run to? The 911 info is excellent. I kept a go bag in my truck with a change of clothes, medication for a few days, some cash and copies of all my id (colour photocopied) so I could walk out the door in an emergency and not come back for at least 72 hours.

I also started making copies of every single document of any relevance and keeping it out of the house. Birth and marriage certificates. Mortgage documents. Bank statements. Everything I could lay hands on I copied and moved off site. Just in case I was thrown out and couldn't come back I had numbers and copies of everything.

Ok well I am glad you are ok. Keep posting. I worry for you.

[Frankee]

Thank you for the concern.  I think it may be a stomach bug.  Still feeling under the weather today.

I definitely did freeze.  Something triggered that response and it seems to be the correct one. 

I'm feeling a little frustrated today.  He's acting completely normal.  Even patient and attentive yesterday.  I have a feeling because he knew I wasn't feeling well.  Not a mean word, no snapping, played and even put up with the kids tearing around the house.  Even at night time, he let me lay down and rest for a bit before putting the oldest kid to bed.  Cuddled with me through the night.  Even this morning when he woke up and I was herding the kids to leave for school, he was really nice and helpful.  Even gave us kisses and said love you all. 

So you may ask why I'm feeling frustrated.  Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling relieved at the same time.  I'm just wondering if he's acting this way because he knows I'm not feeling well.  What happens when I'm back to normal health and back on track with everything?  Is this Mr. Nice Guy going to exit stage left because he knows I'm feeling better?  I'm trying really hard not to be cynical and appreciate him being how he is.  It makes me feel like he's trying.  Then I wonder if he really does feel bad "at the moment" for the rage he had a couple days ago. 

These glimpses of him being loving, caring, relaxed, playful, and patient... makes me feel like everything is going to be okay and I get to see for that short time, the man I fell in love with... then he's gone again.  That is one of the hardest parts in dealing with all this.  You get to see that high side where they are doing well and everything for the time being seems just fine.  I just am stating to think that no matter how much reading, studying, and applying tools, I'll never really understand why he is the way he is.  I know it's his issues and it's not about me.  I do understand his past and what caused it.  I also have a better understanding of the disorder.  I'm still grasping at air, trying to understand how he can so destructive to the one person that is actually trying.

[formflier]

Figuring out the "because" or the "why" is generally wasted energy.  it's reading tea leaves at best. 

Certainly a very general understanding of "why" will help you be empathetic... .which helps everything.

Much more efficient use of energy to focus on "what" he is doing (as opposed to why) and make healthy decisions based on the "what".

Totally understand that the "what" may change at a dizzying speed.  Try to reinforce good behavior and use boundaries for bad. 

Does this make sense?

FF

[Frankee]

It does.  Dealing with a loved one with BPD does feel like a bad tilt a whirl ride. 

My already not so great feelings have just gotten even worse.  I found of a friend of my passed away.  I met her a year ago when we moved here.  She felt like a kindred soul, troubled though.  Even with her problems, she was a good person.  She would disappear for awhile.  Running around, went to jail a couple times... but she would also show back up to hang out, see how I was doing, and tell me stories of her little adventures. She had two kids that she loved passionately.  She lost them in a custody battle and was trying so hard to get her life back together so she could see them.  Her boyfriend just got out of jai.  Stopped by our house when my husband was there and told him that she had died.  They found her body in a canal two towns over from the town we live in.  Happened two months ago.  There was a missing person filed on her, then they found the body and identified her.  No foul play, but haven't said what happened.

I couldn't believe it.  I was crushed.  I never worried about her, because she would always come back no matter how long the time frame.  I remember worrying about her and wondering where she was.  I kept telling myself, maybe she got arrested again or off on some wild adventure.  I never would had thought to look up her name for missing persons or body found.

So between me becoming sick and my H telling me this... he's is being very supportive, caring, sympathetic, loving, tell me he doesn't know what he would do if he ever lost me.  I feel like I just got spun around real fast, stopped all of a sudden, and can't catch my balance.  I hope others have this feeling.  Think you're gaining ground and making head way and then everything gets shook up and you have no idea what to do next.  Just tired and drained.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I am so sad to hear you are in this place, but happy you are reaching out for help.  The abuse helpline is a good place to start.

You already have an exit plan, and that should give you some sense of control.

I am worried about you as verbal abuse fueled by rage can easily escalate to physical abuse.  Please take heed.  It is hard to tell if threats are real or just words.  At this point, don't second guess your H.

Loving a pwBPD is a roller coaster, and it's hard to get a grounding.  More often, partners feel a sense of the other shoe is going to drop and that keeps us on edge and in a state of anxiety.  Please read hope2727's link on rage and abuse.  

As for "being sick," you may be sick because your stress has lowered your immunity.  You can also be "sick" in the psychosomatic way.  Stress from being abused can make us physically ill.  This is complicated by the loss of your friend and your grief.

Take care of yourself and you child.  Above all, stay safe.  Statistics show men escalate violence when their partners are pregnant or who are new mothers.

[babyducks]

I am sorry about the loss of your friend.   It sounds like you valued her and her company.    be gentle with yourself.    find a way to give yourself a break today.   a quiet half hour to relax.   an early night to bed.   something.    you deserve it.   and you need it.

I know you have a lot going on,  and are probably overloaded, but I just want to point out one thing.

he's is being very supportive, caring, sympathetic, loving, tell me he doesn't know what he would do if he ever lost me.  .

this is about him, and his needs.    not about you and what you need right now.    He has a feeling of fear, what would happen if he ever lost you, and he is reacting to it.    the underlying thinking he is expressing here is not oh Frankee is in the middle of a rough patch, I'll be helpful, it's more I feel I am in danger of losing something I will be supportive so that doesn't happen.

while it's nice to enjoy the caring, and it's a break from the ongoing dysregulation, it's still his needs being put first.

'ducks

[Frankee]

Thank you for the warm thoughts.  She had her problems, but she was a good person.  I have friends, but not a lot of close ones.  She was very understanding of a lot of things I was going through since she had troubles herself.

I read the link hope sent.  Just added to my crummy feeling.  Starting to see a little of myself in some of that article.  I don't want to be like that.  I feel angry, resentful, hurt a lot recently.  And I'm starting to let it affect other parts of my life.

I feel really crummy today.  I got short with my oldest child.  He was being bull headed, stubborn, and refusing to get ready to school this morning.  I was tired, still hurt from the news, and just feeling like I got hit by a truck (figuratively speaking). 

Then he said he wanted to go with his Papa and Gramma.  I told him that the next time he has a break from school he could probably go spend time with them.  He said a long time.  I was thinking, okay... he misses them.  I told him he has winter break coming up that is long, you could see them then (they live out of state).  He huffed and said he wants to go with Gramma and Papa because it's a better family than this one.  I felt like I had been gut punched.  I didn't expect that and asked why?  He said because this family is always angry and shouting.  Talk about your slap to the face.  Felt myself start to tear up.  I calmed down and eventually got him out the door with our youngest.  He was late to school.

He wasn't there when my H had the last explosion.  I got really upset about what he said.  Kids are honest.  They don't have filters.  He's right though.  I can't remember the last time I really had fun, relaxed, or laughed.  My H will say some horrible things (but I can analyze and study what he is doing), my kid... just says how he feels.  No ulterior motive, no power play, none of the reasons my H does the things he does.  It's one thing when my H says mean things, but when my son says things like that, it's like saying that I'm a crummy mom and always mad (I know it's not true, but just how I feel).

Even thinking more about this, I know the source.  It's everything I have been dealing with after that incident with my H.  It's becoming compounded and I'm slipping on my self care.  With everything happening the last few days, I'm not focusing on taking care of myself.  I want a break from trying to apply these tools, not JADE, don't do this, don't do that, be aware of whatever mood he's in.  Maybe I'm just feeling this way because of losing a friend that was even younger than me. She didn't want to die, she loved life, had faith, and kids.  I'm just tired.  Any suggestions on how to recharge?  I've gotten decent sleep, I eat well (had a big slice of cake as well), get a little quiet time when the kids go to bed.  I just feel I need to real jolt to restart my mood.

[babyducks]

Hi Frankee,

You've had a lot going on.   Being on the receiving end of an emotional dysregulation takes a lot out of person.    Drains the energy right out of a body.

I can totally understand why your oldest saying he wanted to go with his Papa and Gramma would be a blow.    It would rock anyone.    and you are experiencing a triple whammy.

Give yourself some credit,  you are aware of what's going on with you and working to make things better.    Improvement is not linear.   

The best way I have to recharge is get out into nature.   take a walk.   connect to something peaceful beautiful in nature.   I am blessed to live near a lot of impressive bodies of water.   I can always visit one of them.

take care of yourself,   rest,... .

'ducks

[Frankee]

Think I might dump my to do list on my next day off from work and take my youngest to the beach to play.  I always end up spending all day cleaning or doing stuff around the house on my days off.  Never ending chores.  Think I'll utilize my day off to enjoy the day, go outside, maybe soak in a bath after the kids go to bed. 

Last night he had a fit.  Realized the banks were closed for veterans days.  Was supposed to deposit money into the account to pay the card bill.  Of course it was a red alert crisis.  Which led into how I manage to screw something up every week, I look at the board and try to figure out what I can screw up this week.  He huffed and puffed and spouted some other BS.  I notice that he's constantly delegating tasks and responsibilities to me so when something goes wrong, he doesn't have to shoulder any blame.  When I say something about him doing some of it, then it turns into I would like that because then he would be doing everything.

I had gotten a little high from smoking some legal recreational green smoke.  I was staring off, hearing his "wah wah wah" in the background.  All I could think of was, dang... my cereal is going to get soggy because I didn't want to be stuffing my face when he looked at me.  He might had taken offense asking if I thought my cereal was more important.  It was cookie crisp, so yes it was.  Think I'm going to rearrange my priorities and see what happens.