After all is said and done, I'm the one with the guilt.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

She ended us a year ago.  For six months after that, she kept showing up at my apartment (we were together 7 years, 2.5 married, I moved out last December, I'm sure my back story is around here somewhere).  After asking her to stop, I finally just called the police.  She finally stopped showing up.  110 days no contact and we run into each other at the store.  I ask about the title to the van that I got in the divorce.  She says she won't give it to me because I owe on a mutual bill.  Ok, whatever.  Didn't play the game.  She messages me tonight asking if I still need it and says meet her at such and such place to get it.  I do.  After all of the crap she's put me through, the kids through, she is still very hyper focused on the fact that I wronged HER.

And people, I did.  I was not in a very good frame of mind even 4 or 5 months back because she kept showing up here.  I spent a lot of the first six months of this year drunk out of my mind and reeling in pain over us.  TWICE when I was drunk, I called her boss and told her that my ex was having an affair with an employee (she was), and the other time said that ex wasn't the one who did the course work for the course she had to take for her job, that I did (also true).  Now, after finally having some distance from all of this (and this also including finally stopping the drinking and just dealing with my own pain, as well as a suicide attempt in May), in the right frame of mind I understand how damaging all of this is.  And to a person who most likely is BPD, the abandonment issues and betrayal run high with this one, I KNOW what I did and said was incredibly damaging to her.  In that frame of mind, all I wanted was for her to leave me the hell alone, and I got that at any cost.  I feel absolutely horrible and guilt ridden over all of it.  I have apologized but also realize that it means nothing to her (she likely didn't have any backlash from what I said to her boss... .and I'm sure it was written off as the crazy ex starting crap). 

I'm not even sure what to do here.  I understand there will never be closure anyway, but as a person who used to very much consider herself loyal and caring, this was completely out of character for me and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself even.  I hate that I caused her this pain.  I also understand that even without having done this, there would be something else that ails her, but still. 

[Tosquinha]

She ended us a year ago.  For six months after that, she kept showing up at my apartment (we were together 7 years, 2.5 married, I moved out last December, I'm sure my back story is around here somewhere).  After asking her to stop, I finally just called the police.  She finally stopped showing up.  110 days no contact and we run into each other at the store.  I ask about the title to the van that I got in the divorce.  She says she won't give it to me because I owe on a mutual bill.  Ok, whatever.  Didn't play the game.  She messages me tonight asking if I still need it and says meet her at such and such place to get it.  I do.  After all of the crap she's put me through, the kids through, she is still very hyper focused on the fact that I wronged HER.

And people, I did.  I was not in a very good frame of mind even 4 or 5 months back because she kept showing up here.  I spent a lot of the first six months of this year drunk out of my mind and reeling in pain over us.  TWICE when I was drunk, I called her boss and told her that my ex was having an affair with an employee (she was), and the other time said that ex wasn't the one who did the course work for the course she had to take for her job, that I did (also true).  Now, after finally having some distance from all of this (and this also including finally stopping the drinking and just dealing with my own pain, as well as a suicide attempt in May), in the right frame of mind I understand how damaging all of this is.  And to a person who most likely is BPD, the abandonment issues and betrayal run high with this one, I KNOW what I did and said was incredibly damaging to her.  In that frame of mind, all I wanted was for her to leave me the hell alone, and I got that at any cost.  I feel absolutely horrible and guilt ridden over all of it.  I have apologized but also realize that it means nothing to her (she likely didn't have any backlash from what I said to her boss... .and I'm sure it was written off as the crazy ex starting crap). 

I'm not even sure what to do here.  I understand there will never be closure anyway, but as a person who used to very much consider herself loyal and caring, this was completely out of character for me and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself even.  I hate that I caused her this pain.  I also understand that even without having done this, there would be something else that ails her, but still. 

[Kelli Cornett]

I think it's healthy and mature you see this now. I'm not sure where you go from here?

But you should be proud of yourself for the self knowledge.

[morningagain]

I am 5+ years separated, and still struggle with guilt and shame.
i recently came across the concept of "moral injury". "Moral injury is the damage done to one’s conscience or moral compass when that person perpetrates, witnesses, or fails to prevent acts that transgress their own moral and ethical values or codes of conduct"
This seems promising.  It acknowledges both being victim and our own bad actions victimizing others.  I hurt my children from my first marriage terribly, and still carry that with me, and slowly regaining some of their trust.  At any rate, by simultaneously acknowledging we were victimized, and we were also perpetrators, seems more realistic, and hopefully puts us on the road to forgiving ourselves.  I know that me being in a perpetual state of guilt still isolates me to this day and keeps me from being who i want to be.  We need to get to the point of forgiving ourselves, somehow.  I forgave my wife ? 3 years ago, but have remained mired in my own guilt, never forgiving myself.  I feel some hope after running across "moral injury" - real hope for the first time since i don't know when.  Not sure why - i guess (and hope) something 'clicked' in me.  the concepts are not new - perhaps having both sides in the same sentence is what helps me.?
Pax

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tosquinha, You're human, like the rest of us.  It's time to embrace your imperfections.  This may sound trite, but my recovery started with self-love and self-acceptance.  It seems easy, but is actually pretty hard to do.  Carrying around all the guilt is a rock in your backpack.  Time to let it go.  Anyone who has been in a BPD r/s has probably done some things that he/she regrets, so go easy on yourself.

LuckyJim