Managing boundaries in relationships post-BPD ex

[pjstock42]

1.5yrs + of NC with BPD ex, thank you to this forum for helping me to understand the importance of this when it seemed like an impossibility.

Since then, I have made some stupid mistakes and rushed into getting involved with someone + got involved with someone who I had no business being with for numerous reasons. After trudging through those missteps, I've been in what I would generally call a "healthy relationship" with someone for ~6 months and there haven't been any red flags to appear even with my intense scrutiny of anything potentially meeting that criteria.

Quick backstory: Something that I've made an utmost priority in this relationship is communicating all of my thoughts/values as explicitly as possible, even if they are difficult to talk about or not totally in line with the mainstream expectations of the 2017 dating world.  One discussion that we had a month back involved her telling me about visiting another city and possibly staying at her "platonic male" friend's house. In the past, I would just brush this off and act like it doesn't bother me but in reality, it does and it led to a ~2 hour conversation about how her staying alone with a guy who I don't know makes me uncomfortable and she said that she appreciated my honesty.

Fast forward to this week; GF is going to a conference hundreds of miles away and at the very last minute before she's leaving, she tells me that she was asked to stay in a hotel room with some guy 1 on 1 & asked me "how I feel" about that situation. I told her that my viewpoint was the same as it was a few months ago, that I would never tell her to do or not do something but that I also wouldn't compromise my values / boundaries about what I find to be acceptable in a relationship.

After a long discussion, she eventually backed me into a corner and told me that she would either stay in the room with the guy, which she wouldn't want to do because it would "make me mad" or that her only other option would be to tell her colleagues that she couldn't do this because of her "controlling boyfriend". I felt like this was extremely unfair & wouldn't back down from my standpoint on the issue and now it's blatantly evident that she resents me for it. I felt like her asking me a question that she already knew my answer to was in itself manipulative because my options were to either compromise my boundaries to appease her or stand strong in my beliefs & then upset her / come off as "controlling" while I have never been a controlling person before in relationships.

One of the biggest things that I learned on these boards during the recovery from my traumatic breakup with my BPD ex was that enforcing boundaries was important in a relationship. It was something that I hadn't done in the past because my only priority was to make my partner happy and bend over backwards in the process regardless of what values/morals I had to stomp on to achieve it. Now that I am enforcing my boundaries & dealing with the negative effects of it, I find myself wondering if the experience with my BPD ex perhaps made me TOO rigid with regards to not compromising the boundaries that I feel deeply about in a relationship?

As I slowly get through this day and realize that me explicitly not telling my GF what to do yet simply standing firm on my boundaries has led me to be categorized as "controlling/domineering" & is probably starting the demise of this relationship, I felt as though it may be productive to come here and ask for help as I have always received great advice in the past on matters such as this.

Does anyone else have experience with the challenge of enforcing boundaries in relationships after the experience of being with / breaking up with your BPD ex? Is strictly enforcing your boundaries & letting go of those who don't respect them the right path forward or is there some sort of self-analysis that needs to be done to determine if you're being unreasonable?

[Pretty Woman]

I think I have gotten substantially better in enforcing boundaries when it comes to friendships or people I need to deal with on a regular basis.

I won't let anyone steamroll me anymore to "keep the peace". I am firm, professional but stick up for myself. If someone "shows" me who they are once, I don't give additional chances.

I run a women's meetup group. You can imagine... .in a group of 600 women, mostly singles in their 40-50... .there are several with PD's.
One woman actually approached me and asked: Do you have issues with a lot of Borderlines joining your group?
 

She proceeded to tell me how her ex was a narcissist and how most of the area groups had women with a lot of "drama". At first I thought, wow, I just met someone who "gets it". I just got out of my terrible relationship and here was this strong woman, kicking ass and taking names... .

Within a week it hit me. Who tells you this stuff within five minutes of meeting you?   When you meet someone you usually talk about interests, where you are from, where you work. You don't launch into a tirade about all the "terrible" people in your life.

I would say I am significantly more aware since dating my ex. Even my ex's sister who I work with... .the first time I met her she told me how she was estranged from her father and how her child was being accused by another family member for molestation. I thought, poor girl! I felt like she must really like me to confide in me such horrible things.
 
This was our 1st meeting. She was showing me exactly who she is, the person who plays the "victim". Once her sister and I did not work, she spoke of me in the same manner, like I was a tormentor and persecutor.

People will show you who they are. You just have to be receptive and take it all at value.

[No-One]

Hi Pjstock42:

As I slowly get through this day and realize that me explicitly not telling my GF what to do yet simply standing firm on my boundaries has led me to be categorized as "controlling/domineering" & is probably starting the demise of this relationship,

Just offering one opinion.  I'm assuming that you are in an exclusive relationship, and have agreed to not date others.  Some boundaries relate to your morals and standards, and don't necessarily mean that someone is controlling.  You are more conservative and she is more liberal in regard to males/females sharing accommodations. You have different values. This might be more of a problem, if she is someone with whom you might want to raise children with. (i.e. conflicting standards as applied to child rearing)

Best to not tempt human nature.  I'm surprised that an employer would even think of having male and female colleagues stay in the same hotel room.  Lots of potential for HR issues and law suits.

Some other facts might have some bearing on how bad an idea "staying with the male platonic  friend" might be.  Answers to the following might have bearing: How they became platonic friends, the history of their relationship, who else might live in the household, where she would be staying and whether there is a girlfriend in the picture.

I'd give your girlfriend credit for being honest about the potential situations of her sharing facilities with a male.  I'd mark her down, with the comment that she will tell her employer/co-workers that you are controlling.  Part of dating is getting to know each other, finding out who your partner really is, how they handle situations and what their views and standards are.

You have to decide if her values are a deal breaker for you.   How much importance do you place on this value, versus other values where you are compatible.

[valet]

Hey pj, it sounds to me like you're trying to resolve personal issues through the context of your new relationship, or perhaps relationships in general.

There's nothing wrong with dating. Just make sure you aren't dragging your feet when you go out looking for potential partners.

I'm not encouraging you to do anything here but think about what you want out of a relationship. Do you feel like you can do this, and then perform it out in the world?

If yes, great!

If not, maybe it's time to sit back down and reexamine your mindset.

[livednlearned]

Does anyone else have experience with the challenge of enforcing boundaries in relationships after the experience of being with / breaking up with your BPD ex? Is strictly enforcing your boundaries & letting go of those who don't respect them the right path forward or is there some sort of self-analysis that needs to be done to determine if you're being unreasonable?

A boundary is something that we have control over. You can express your values. You can't control where she sleeps.

Also, sometimes it's not just the boundary, it's the communication around it.

There is a skill discussed here called SET (support, empathy, truth) that helps create an emotional connection (support, empathy) while expressing the boundary (truth).

Otherwise, you can easily end up in JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) which typically leads to conflict.

"This is my boundary and if you don't go along with it, then you don't respect me."

is different than

"You are in a tough spot because your employer is expecting you to share a hotel room with a guy, and you care about what people will think if you ask for your own room. I can understand that. It's hard to tell someone what's important to you. I'm a little surprised that they would expect you to share a room, to be honest. That seems insensitive to you. And to be honest, I feel uncomfortable about you sleeping with another guy. Would you be open to coming up with some alternative? I could chip in for another room, or we could think together about ways to help you finesse this with your boss."

If you give her some high-quality communication and she insists on staying in a hotel room with a guy, knowing how you feel about it, that's different than her feeling controlled and doing something to prove she's her own person.