Trying to start a relationship and she has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all!

I feel like I need to talk to people who probably has the experience and knowledge to give me some comfort and possibly some tips. Im going to jump straight to the point here and try to describe the situation.

I met this wonderful, funny and beautiful girl in the midst of the summer, she was everything that I search for in a girl, she was mysterious, complex, independent and caught my attention from day one. We connected on so many levels, I've never felt such a strong connection from anybody in such a short time, and this was just from meeting with her a couple of times and talking on Facebook.

So we hit it off and I feel like I wanna get to know her more so naturally I want to hang out! We live like 2 hours apart form each other, so some minor planning was necessary for us to meet up. But every time I found a window for us to hang out she turned ice cold. And I was standing there like a question mark wondering what I was doing wrong... I met with her a couple of times before, mostly when she was drunk. We talked about us and I told her that I really liked her and she said the feelings was mutual but she couldn't fit me in her life right now. Of course I understand and I said we take it slow and don't rush into anything, which was good for me as well since I just came from a rather bad relationship (bad ending).

So we take it slow, and I get the feeling we are drifting further and further apart from each other and we talk less often, so I kind of leave it as I had a feeling like this was the way she wanted it. So one day we talks about her job and about her drinking habits and I asked her a question about how long she think she can keep up with 3 jobs and go out 4 days a week, mostly because I can speak from experience (I'm now sober for one year, yey me) so my question was empathetic and in no way meant to be demeaning. She flips out and tells me to f**k off and at this point my brain was so tired of trying to understand her so I just stopped talking to her.

Fast forward 2-3 months, she has been on my mind ever since and I notice that she keeps checking up on me and liking pictures on different social media. So we start to talk again, and this time I felt it was different, she was forward and wanting me to come visit and she even came to visit me (had only happened one time before) and now we talk on the phone every night and we've been away on a small weekend trip and it felt great. It feels like this can actually become something more than just dating. So I asked her, where do you see this going? She starts to cry and tells me that her diagnosis (She was quite open about her BPD) keeps her from letting me in and that she is not good enough for me and that I'm worth more than her. I tell her that she is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

So here I am. I really want to be with her, I've been reading up on BPD, a lot of people referred the book "Stop walking on eggshells" which I've begun to read. I'm fully committed to try and make this work, I'm willing to learn about BPD to understand her diagnosis better. But it starting to take a toll on me, I get no validation, she has problem telling me that she wants me there, I'm asking here if we can see each other when we both are off (we still live 2 hrs apart) but seems like she is struggling to find the willingness to actually see me in real life.

I feel so lost and exhausted, how to I tackle the situation? I feel like I have the patience to see where this is going and I feel compassion for her and the condition, I just need a glimmer of hope and I can continue.

Sorry for the long text! And It actually just felt better to write it down, I hope some of you can come with some input or advice, thanks.

[Zenon]

Hello all!

I feel like I need to talk to people who probably has the experience and knowledge to give me some comfort and possibly some tips. Im going to jump straight to the point here and try to describe the situation.

I met this wonderful, funny and beautiful girl in the midst of the summer, she was everything that I search for in a girl, she was mysterious, complex, independent and caught my attention from day one. We connected on so many levels, I've never felt such a strong connection from anybody in such a short time, and this was just from meeting with her a couple of times and talking on Facebook.

So we hit it off and I feel like I wanna get to know her more so naturally I want to hang out! We live like 2 hours apart form each other, so some minor planning was necessary for us to meet up. But every time I found a window for us to hang out she turned ice cold. And I was standing there like a question mark wondering what I was doing wrong... I met with her a couple of times before, mostly when she was drunk. We talked about us and I told her that I really liked her and she said the feelings was mutual but she couldn't fit me in her life right now. Of course I understand and I said we take it slow and don't rush into anything, which was good for me as well since I just came from a rather bad relationship (bad ending).

So we take it slow, and I get the feeling we are drifting further and further apart from each other and we talk less often, so I kind of leave it as I had a feeling like this was the way she wanted it. So one day we talks about her job and about her drinking habits and I asked her a question about how long she think she can keep up with 3 jobs and go out 4 days a week, mostly because I can speak from experience (I'm now sober for one year, yey me) so my question was empathetic and in no way meant to be demeaning. She flips out and tells me to f**k off and at this point my brain was so tired of trying to understand her so I just stopped talking to her.

Fast forward 2-3 months, she has been on my mind ever since and I notice that she keeps checking up on me and liking pictures on different social media. So we start to talk again, and this time I felt it was different, she was forward and wanting me to come visit and she even came to visit me (had only happened one time before) and now we talk on the phone every night and we've been away on a small weekend trip and it felt great. It feels like this can actually become something more than just dating. So I asked her, where do you see this going? She starts to cry and tells me that her diagnosis (She was quite open about her BPD) keeps her from letting me in and that she is not good enough for me and that I'm worth more than her. I tell her that she is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

So here I am. I really want to be with her, I've been reading up on BPD, a lot of people referred the book "Stop walking on eggshells" which I've begun to read. I'm fully committed to try and make this work, I'm willing to learn about BPD to understand her diagnosis better. But it starting to take a toll on me, I get no validation, she has problem telling me that she wants me there, I'm asking here if we can see each other when we both are off (we still live 2 hrs apart) but seems like she is struggling to find the willingness to actually see me in real life.

I feel so lost and exhausted, how to I tackle the situation? I feel like I have the patience to see where this is going and I feel compassion for her and the condition, I just need a glimmer of hope and I can continue.

Sorry for the long text! And It actually just felt better to write it down, I hope some of you can come with some input or advice, thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Zenon,

Welcome to the family! This sounds like a very tough and confusing situation. You seem to hit it off and yet somehow the relationship hasn't quite taken off. There is a lot to understand about push/pull dynamics here and about... .well, her flipping out at times. When you say you get no validation you mean she does not put so much effort into you as you'd like? Does it feel a bit one sided with you doing most of the work?

Since she is "open about her BPD" does that mean she is or has gotten any treatment for it? I have seen some success stories from people who have BPD saying they felt they got good treatment and recovered from it. I imagine that is possible, to see some improvement with concentrated effort. Is she interested in working on it a bit?  Patience and hope can take you far. You can read the Success Stories at the top of this board too. But also be careful to assess her input on this - if she gets into the off and on cycle with you it can be very painful and hard to stop this dynamic. Validation might help you with this a bit. There are many lessons on it that you can read up on! See here 1.10-1.12 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Yes, writing helps! A lot of people here can relate. Maybe other members can help us? How can we improve relationships that are in the early stages?

[livednlearned]

Hi Zenon,

It's hard for BPD loved ones to trust. Sometimes in the process of testing that trust, or feeling afraid of losing you, she will say things or do things that undermine your confidence. Some people with BPD also have a fear of engulfment. Moving too quickly or getting too close can feel threatening. If she needs space, she may be trying to emotionally regulate intense feelings, and it may not be about you.

It takes a lot of emotional strength to not be injured by a BPD relationship.

Reading about BPD is a great start. You might want to get a copy of Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning. Read it a couple of times and starting practicing the skills with people, including your GF.

You'll learn a lot about validation, like pearlsw mentions. Setting limits for yourself is also important. She won't feel good about herself if her behaviors destroy your confidence -- you have to be able to have empathy for her emotional outbursts and behaviors without being a doormat.

She may also want to be rescued, and could then resent you for not treating her like she's capable and competent.

If you feel like you are going to fix her or cure her BPD, that is a story that can only end badly for both of you.

There are lots of communication and relationship skills that you will learn (lots in the sidebar to the right), and you'll learn a lot about yourself as you practice and refine them.

Glad you found the site  

LnL

[Zenon]

Hi and thank you!
To pearlsw:
When you say you get no validation you mean she does not put so much effort into you as you'd like? Does it feel a bit one sided with you doing most of the work?
At time I’m feeling like I’m doing most of the work, but then I think that she is actually trying this time and that makes me feel somewhat better and it’s easier to do “the work”. I guess I’m not used to things going this cautious.

Yes, she is currently in an 18-month program where she has group therapy and one-on-one meetings once a week. But she has recently started there, I think she’s been there for 2-3 months or so, and I get the feeling she is interested in working on it. From what I can tell based on me knowing her a bit before she started the therapy and now, it feels like she is making some progress.

To livednlearned:
You mentioned in your response Sometimes in the process of testing that trust, or feeling afraid of losing you, she will say things or do things that undermine your confidence.
Weird that you mention that because I have at times been thinking like she is testing me to see if I would leave her or I would stay. At times it feels like she tries to make me react in a certain way, to test her boundaries.
I’m not trying to fix her, I just want to understand. I like her for her and I see her as she is, and she is not her diagnosis.

Thank you so much for the response. I will go on and read around on the forums and I will definitely check out Loving Someone with BPD  and I will try and keep you posted on the outcome.

[livednlearned]

That's great she's in treatment

Another book that might be helpful is High-Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti. It's written for two people with high-conflict personalities, but I think it's a helpful book for anyone in a relationship with (potentially) strong emotions. And his work is based on DBT -- if your GF is learning those skills, it could be super helpful for you to learn them in the context of a couple. Shari Manning's book seems a bit more geared toward parents who have a BPD child, but I think it's relevant for anyone who feels empathy for their BPD loved one. Not all people in BPD relationships feel empathy, especially if things went off the rails 

About the trusting/testing. If you can see it as an expression of her not trusting her own feelings, you can depersonalize it a bit and use validation. Like, if she sets up a test, she's trying to get proof from the environment that her feelings are legitimate, instead of giving her proof that you love her, care for her, respect her, etc. She will have a bottomless need for validation, and you may be tempted to think that you can fill that bucket. When what you're trying to do is validate her feelings so she can start connecting to them directly.

Does that make sense? So, say she got an A on her literature paper, and she tells you about it. Instead of saying, "Wow, you are really smart!" which gives her a shot of approval from an external source, maybe what you say is, "You are really happy about getting an A. It's nice to see you like this. I hope you feel good about how things worked out for you with this paper -- I know you worked really hard on it."