Wanted to share a marriage success story

[tonepoems]

Hi everyone,

I know most people who are on this forum are here because they need help and for the most part, those who have milder or successful cases don't tend to contribute to forums, so I thought it might be helpful and provide some hope for others.

It's been several months since I posted and my last post was pretty dire. At that time my husband had spiraled completely out of control into self-destructive behavior - he had a reckless affair with a co-worker, his drinking was out of control, he was self-harming, contemplating suicide, telling me he didn't love me anymore... .it got pretty bad for a while.

Believe it or not, we are 6 months into our renewed, happy and healthy marriage. I don't know how we both had the strength and courage to make it here, but we did.

We separated for two months and in that time, I discovered I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and my husband realized he had made a huge mistake.

He committed himself to therapy, DBT, and sobriety. I committed myself to continuing individual therapy as well, and setting firm boundaries, not feeling responsible for his moods and emotions, but also working hard to keep my emotions more even and regulated for the sake of our relationship.

We collaborated on a "relationship manifesto" where we outlined our values and we wrote out our promises to each other and ourselves.

We now have a weekly "relationship check-in" where we ask each other these 5 questions every week:
1. How are we doing?
2. What can I do better?
3. What did I do to make you feel loved this week?
4. Do you have any challenges coming up this week?
5. How can I best support you this week?

I also accompany my husband to his therapist about every 5th or 6th session so we can continue to navigate communication techniques for our situation.

I still have bad days in getting over the pain of the affair and harsh words of last year, he still has bad days where he deals with depression and low-self esteem, but overall, we are thriving. Our marriage is even strong than it was before and we communicate so honestly and clearly with each other now.

Special effort is made never to be accusatory, to always address everything in terms of "I feel this way when this happens... ." and to keep any suggestions in a positive tone, i.e. "I really like it when you do this... ." vs "you never do that... ."

We meditate almost every morning at the same time (we use the Calm app) and we've made it a point to put our marriage first and create some rituals (having lunch together once a week, doing at least one fun thing every weekend, etc.)

I can't recommend the book "Loving Someone with BPD" by Sharri Y. Manning enough - I would say that book was the turning point for both of us.

"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman was also helpful, though maybe not as empathetic as the first book.

It hasn't come easy, and we're both working hard, but I can't tell you how great it's been to see my husband smiling, laughing, and being loving again.

In any case, I know the situation is different for everyone and the choice to forgive my husband for cheating is something personal that I feel is up to each individual. I wouldn't blame anyone for a second for choosing to move on instead.

But if you're on here looking for someone with a happy ending, it looks like we're headed that way.

Good luck to all of you and hang in there. <3

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi tonepoems,

Thank you very, very much for this post! I really needed to hear something like this today! Please check in with us more often if you have time. Hearing a success story is so great!  

[wind4me]

Thanks for sharing this... .given my current situation this gives me hope.

[pearlsw]

May I ask what his dysregulation is like these days? Is it less frequent? Less extreme? What do you do when you see he is about to lose it? Thank you again for your post! Very kind of you to share this with us all!

[Tattered Heart]

That's awesome tonepoems. I love hearing success stories. Thank you for much for sharing and I'm glad that you and your H have found some peace between you.  

So do you think these changes came about because of what he was doing, what you were doing or both? Who first began to change their behavior in the marriage?

[tonepoems]

May I ask what his dysregulation is like these days? Is it less frequent? Less extreme? What do you do when you see he is about to lose it? Thank you again for your post! Very kind of you to share this with us all!

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you! I would say the absolute biggest factor in his disregulation has been alcohol and ever since we've stopped drinking, it hasn't been an issue. He's still sensitive so I'm just more mindful of that and making sure I validate his feelings (i.e. If he says, "Ugh, I'm fat"  -- I don't say "No, you're not" -- I say, "Oh, babe, I'm sorry you're not feeling your best today. Why do you feel like that? Is there something we can do together to make you feel better?"

That always seems to nip any negative reactions in the bud!

The one specific area that I found throws him off (and it could be different for every person) is if he does something and I say, "Why are you doing that?" or "Why are you doing it like that?" he gets very defensive. Again, this is an area where I've adapted my response simply by changing words around and saying something more like, "Oh, how did you come up with that method?"

It's funny how these little changes have such a big effect.

And finally, if there is an argument or disagreement, he's become much better at communicating if it's getting to be too much for him. If he starts to feel overly emotional or angry, he blurts out "I need a break" and I DO NOT PUSH. We take a 5 minute break and then I ask him if we can talk about it some more. His end of the deal is to make sure we do resolve it and saying that "I need a break" isn't just a means of dropping the discussion all together.

I won't lie, it's work. But I think 90% of it just comes down to slowing down when we speak!

[tonepoems]

That's awesome tonepoems. I love hearing success stories. Thank you for much for sharing and I'm glad that you and your H have found some peace between you.  

So do you think these changes came about because of what he was doing, what you were doing or both? Who first began to change their behavior in the marriage?

Thank you! I'm really happy that we are at a really good place right now.

Definitely both! We didn't have a diagnosis before so I just thought he was sometimes immature and overly sensitive? And then I started to walk on eggshells and not criticize him at all. I increasingly became more codependent and enabling his behavior. At the same time, I think I started avoiding conflict and started working more and was always stressed.

He went off a destructive deep end after we moved and that's when he finally got to a place where he was able to be diagnosed. His dedication to therapy, DBT, and not drinking has made a huge difference. At the same time, I've become much stronger with my boundaries, I take better care of myself, and while I have adjusted some of my communication tactics, I absolutely DO NOT feel responsible or try to fix his emotions. That's up to him to do.

[AskingWhy]

tonepoems, what an uplifting story!

A main issue with my uBPD/uNPD H is that he really has object permanence problems and he cannot see beyond the moment.  If he sees I am not feeling well, he may feel "situational empathy" and offer to help me.  However, if he is distracted by work or the presence of one of his children, he will be oblivious to my distress.  

As his children grew to adulthood and entered marriages, he "seemed" to develop empathy, especially if one of them was having marital discord.

H seemed to develop some empathy toward me in these issues.  For instance, he would sometimes feel momentarily regretful after one of his rages after I asked him how he would feel if one of his daughters was a the target of a rage from her husband.  H seemed to pause with a small amount of introspection and self-scrutiny.   This, however, would only last for a short period until his next dysregulation.

Working with a pwBPD moves forward by small steps, but it's good to hear that progress is possible.

[virtualfriday]

Special effort is made never to be accusatory, to always address everything in terms of "I feel this way when this happens... ." and to keep any suggestions in a positive tone, i.e. "I really like it when you do this... ." vs "you never do that... ."

A simple change in expressing my feelings and concerns like this seems to make all the difference for both of us right now.
 I can stand strong knowing I am sharing legitimate feelings in the nicest way possible. If she feels bad or guilty as a result, it is entirely possible that she should feel that way and needs to respond accordingly.

Our therapist introduced us to Imago Dialogue, which builds around this way of communicating. (its free all over the internet)
I am guessing that the more severe your partner has BPD will make it harder to implement. When my wife can follow the rules it works awesome and makes me feel good. Other times her mind seems to overheat, she closes her eyes holds her head like she has a terrible migraine headache and then she switches back to blaming me for all of her pain.