Completely and utterly lost

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I joined this site several years ago when I learned my SO had borderline traits and I wanted to help her with this as a partner. I read up on a lot of the, I guess, optimistic topics. I guess I had a naive view of the bad stuff really, like this could never happen to us, this woman is who I've been waiting for my whole life... .

Over 7 years we've had a son together, I've raised her youngest daughter for half her life, we moved out to the country, I got a good job with a wage to support the family on almost one income.


A year ago she started drinking to cope with the stress of college (she wanted to go back). I started joining her just to cope with that. Since then I've lost that job, been arrested for DV 3 times now. And that was just October-March last year.
I could only bear to send her to jail once. Even that time I still wish I hadn't. I had finally had enough abuse and once I did that it was like the gloves are off.

There hasn't been any alcohol in the home in 9 months and things have been rocky at best. And now I've just spent the last 2 days being chased around the house, thrown into walls, scratched/punched in the face/head and strangled for making friends with a couple outside our relationship essentially.

I was to afraid to tell her because of the ramifications (of course she says it would have been fine had I told her) really... .This isn't even a deep relationship I have with these people, they just stop by to chat while I'm working every now and then and stopped by the house once to show me her engagement ring and let me offer congratulations, nothing major.

I don't know what to do. The love is still there between us but my fear of reprisal makes it damn near impossible for me to bring things to her attention at this point. Kids and finances complicate things further, we can't afford to live apart and I've been told everything from she'll sign away her rights, to there's going to be a long drawn out custody battle. I'm also just downright scared because I've been so isolated and feel like I've forgotten how to communicate with normal people, and I'm so messed up after this, who would want to be around me at this point anyway?

I know I need to do what's healthy for myself and keep myself strong in order to handle this relationship, but it seems I was right about what would happen if I tried to concentrate on myself more.

I'm sure everyone is just going to tell me to run... .But right now I'm just struggling to forgive what happened this weekend because I do still love her and I feel that what we have is worth saving, even after all this. I want to so bad but I am so f'ing angry about it still... .I dunno, but I need to talk to someone other than her about this without judgement.  

Sorry if this post seems like a jumbled mess. That's pretty much what I feel like right now.

[Hovercow]

So I joined this site several years ago when I learned my SO had borderline traits and I wanted to help her with this as a partner. I read up on a lot of the, I guess, optimistic topics. I guess I had a naive view of the bad stuff really, like this could never happen to us, this woman is who I've been waiting for my whole life... .

Over 7 years we've had a son together, I've raised her youngest daughter for half her life, we moved out to the country, I got a good job with a wage to support the family on almost one income.


A year ago she started drinking to cope with the stress of college (she wanted to go back). I started joining her just to cope with that. Since then I've lost that job, been arrested for DV 3 times now. And that was just October-March last year.
I could only bear to send her to jail once. Even that time I still wish I hadn't. I had finally had enough abuse and once I did that it was like the gloves are off.

There hasn't been any alcohol in the home in 9 months and things have been rocky at best. And now I've just spent the last 2 days being chased around the house, thrown into walls, scratched/punched in the face/head and strangled for making friends with a couple outside our relationship essentially.

I was to afraid to tell her because of the ramifications (of course she says it would have been fine had I told her) really... .This isn't even a deep relationship I have with these people, they just stop by to chat while I'm working every now and then and stopped by the house once to show me her engagement ring and let me offer congratulations, nothing major.

I don't know what to do. The love is still there between us but my fear of reprisal makes it damn near impossible for me to bring things to her attention at this point. Kids and finances complicate things further, we can't afford to live apart and I've been told everything from she'll sign away her rights, to there's going to be a long drawn out custody battle. I'm also just downright scared because I've been so isolated and feel like I've forgotten how to communicate with normal people, and I'm so messed up after this, who would want to be around me at this point anyway?

I know I need to do what's healthy for myself and keep myself strong in order to handle this relationship, but it seems I was right about what would happen if I tried to concentrate on myself more.

I'm sure everyone is just going to tell me to run... .But right now I'm just struggling to forgive what happened this weekend because I do still love her and I feel that what we have is worth saving, even after all this. I want to so bad but I am so f'ing angry about it still... .I dunno, but I need to talk to someone other than her about this without judgement.  

Sorry if this post seems like a jumbled mess. That's pretty much what I feel like right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Hovercow and welcome to the family 

I'm glad that you found us after reading your post.  Sorry to hear about what you're going through.  It's clear you love your wife and would like for things to be healthier in your r/s.  Being in a violently abusive r/s is extremely difficult on a person, emotionally and mentally.  How long has this sort of extreme type of behaviour been happening for?  You say that you had her arrested?  Can you tell us more about this? 

I'm interested to know if you are getting any support from a local DV support service?  Contacting a DV advocate is the best thing I did for myself when my r/s became violent and I'd highly recommend this as it is amazing how extensive the support on offer can be.  This might include emotional support through counselling and certainly will involve helping you to devise a safety plan.  That is very important for you, along with finding ways to reduce the conflict, which you can learn about here in the Tools section at the top of the page.  Here is a link to a very helpful document the site provides about Safety First, which you might find useful in the meantime if you don't already have a safety plan in place.  It's important to safeguard yourself and also the children from witnessing this type of behaviour.  Each step to make things better will begin to ease the anxiety you must be feeling. 

Sorry if this post seems like a jumbled mess. That's pretty much what I feel like right now.

I can say I know exactly what you mean and have been in the same position.  I felt exhausted, drained and on edge all the time.  You're in good company here, as many members will completely relate to how you are feeling as a result of their experiences.  This site is here to help us to move forwards and find ways to be healthier in ourselves and in our relationships.  We all support one another and I'm sure you'll get a great deal of helpful advice and information here that will benefit you, so keep posting and reading all you can.  You're not alone in this.  We are here for you.

Love and light x 

[pearlsw]

Hi Hovercow,

I wanted to welcome you too and say I am sorry you are feeling so lost.

While here I also wanted to point you to some information on the site for men regarding domestic violence: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

I think by focusing on tools to help with deescalating arguments you can have a chance to cut down on things getting out of hand - or at least do your part to not let things head in that direction. I noticed last week when I didn't bother to use my best communication tools my h got more and more upset and then he kicked something at me that was on the kitchen floor and then soon after threw some papers towards me as further insult. At this point I just made sure we stayed away from each other until the tension died down. Had I raged back or said anything nasty in return it would have just kept cranking up the heat. With no fuel on the fire his rage soon died out and he was calm and trying to be nice to me and saying he did not want to fight with me and was sad we'd had a problem. I am not saying there is a one size fits all to these things, and some people are gonna rage, rage, rage, but if we hold to a set of rules on this we can make it harder for them to keep upping the stakes. Just my two cents.

Validation is also a good tool to show you are listening to her feelings even when you don't agree with them. I notice when I use any of the tools here my h actually starts to pick them up. In my case modeling good behavior for him since he has trouble finding words at times gives him a pattern to follow. (This can also be found on the Relationship Skills and Tools Workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0)

take care and hope you feel better soon!

[Hovercow]

Thanks for the welcome. It's kind of foreign to me to need a safe place to be able to talk without fear of retribution but I'm glad I came back here.

I should mention in 2015 my mother had a head injury and was left in a wheelchair, she still hasn't walked. The way it was handled by my family really hurt me and was a huge issue in play throughout this.

I guess I'll dive right in, and I think I need to kind of create a timeline to paint a good picture. The extreme behavior started in the first year of us being together. I am, or was anyway, a very strong person with a strong sense of self, so I took this on thinking I could handle it.

I can't pinpoint any one moment but it started to get really bad in the spring about 5 years ago. I found out she had been messaging guys on Reddit, just kinda seeking attention first then getting more serious with pictures being sent back and forth.
We're kind of adventurous, so around that same time we were looking to meet some friends to be a third wheel so to speak. Well she ended up fooling around with both of them separately while I was at work before we even had a chance to do anything as a group. Wrote it off as "miscommunication".

Our lease was up at that apartment in the fall, she had just lost a long time job because the inappropriate messaging on Reddit was done on a work computer. I was going to end things when we found out she was pregnant with our now 4 year old son. So she moved into my parents house with me, and had to send her other kids to stay with her family.

We got through that but I had started drinking to cope and was hiding it. So even though I got a good job, moved us all back into a house, and was putting a real life together, everything was starting to go south when I got a DUI coming back from a mandatory holiday function with open bar and no ride back out to the sticks.

I stopped drinking for the most part then got into treatment but the damage was done. It wasn't long after that she really hit me in anger for the first time, giving me a black eye to explain to a shop full of guys with jokes like "what, did you burn the toast?" She explained it off as a bad reaction to a medication, and I went along with it. Didn't happen again for a long time.

In the couple years that followed, I moved up a lot at work but had to spend more and more time there, pretty much 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I was trying to help the financial strains but ended up being gone so much our relationship eroded and I became bitter and resentful at the verbal and mental abuse endured while already so worn down from trying to support everyone at home and work.

In August '16 I finished treatment and was done with all that. Shortly thereafter came the words "you're more fun when you drink" and it was off to the races.
Yes, it went well at first until she started getting physically abusive and that went on pretty much constantly for a couple months until just before Halloween when I completely lost it and everything came out in a really bad way.

I thought she had been cheating on me with someone she has a romantic history with and was hanging out with/sleeping on his couch "to get space".
We had a huge fight, she broke 2 of my ribs and passed out. I drug her outside and locked the door, then heard glass break and saw she kicked in the front window. I ran up to hide at my work with a bottle of alcohol. To make things worse, a co worker had been left a shotgun in the garage that I then grabbed and started contemplating ending my life. After a while I got more terrible messages from her and took off back to the house.
I was completely wasted and started threatening her, dead set on making sure this never happened again by the worst means possible. Fear. So I left in disgust with myself and went back up behind my work, meaning to commit suicide with the gun but thankfully passed out drunk first. I woke up to my boss and the sheriff taking me to the hospital for help. I should have just walked away then but couldn't. I still love her and she was the first one that showed up at the hospital even though I left her without any transportation.

The abuse continued after that until mid November last year when I called the cops on her for the abuse. She got arrested for assault and was released, her mom and daughter bringing her back to the house despite there being a no contact order because they wouldn't let her stay with them, but no-one had asked me. I couldn't bear to send her to jail again and just went with it letting the order expire after a week or so. A few days later I started breaking some stuff I made as a kid with my dad, just drunk, hurt, and angry at him over how things with my mother were handled. She had me arrested that night for it. And I lost my job over it.

We continued fighting until just before Christmas when we had probably what was our worst fight.  she destroyed the bedroom and bathroom door frames to get to me when I tried holding them closed with my body. Which I got all on video. Later I fought back and was arrested for 2nd degree assault because at one point I had her in a headlock trying to restrain her. I wasn't ever going to talk to her again but after my family had left me in jail to rot she was the one that moved heaven and Earth to bail me out and get me home for Christmas.

We stopped drinking and things settled down a bit, at least physically. The verbal and emotional abuse just seemed to get worse until March when on the anniversary of my cousin's death I got drunk and was going to disappear. She talked me into coming home and then tried to go over to that friend's house with my car, the friend she has a history with and that I've made clear I'm not comfortable with her having a relationship with him. So I hung onto the hood, she called the cops and since the judge had put another NCO against me randomly in court a couple months prior, I went to jail.
There hadn't been issues for a month before or two months after they issued it so we continued living together, not like there were any other options. After that I kinda patched things up with my folks and moved in with my son for a few months until they had to move out of state for better care for my mother. That left me with nowhere to go but home in July.

 Since then we've had our ups and downs until a week ago when the current ordeal started. On Monday we found out the homeowners are selling the house we've been renting for 3 years now, giving us until the 31st of December to move. I think we've gotten into another house, hopefully I'll hear back today. I understand there's been a huge upset in our lives hence the snapping and physical abuse but it doesn't make me ok with it.

I still love this woman and I don't think I'm willing to give up on her. Not as long as she's trying. I brought up DBT I think it was and showed her a small write up yesterday. I wasn't sure she was taking it seriously but I watched last night as she got ready to swing on me, she managed to stop herself cold and walked out of the room to switch laundry or something. Then she came back a few minutes later more collected and we talked. She was able to explain her needs to me. I have a tendency to be stubborn and want to be right, and I try to be more constructive than that but every now and then I dig my heels in so we came up with the idea of a safeword for when I need to just back off. Not because I'm giving up or weak, but as the stronger person I need to take the lead and set the tone and push will only come to shove. I also know the suicide rate with this disorder and believe she'd be one of the 1 in 10, just yesterday I had to take a kitchen knife from her and I don't think she was acting. If I had lost my grip on her hand there would have been some serious damage to her wrist at the least.

Please don't pass any judgement on me... .I already feel like a monster for the part I've played and I'm not doing well with it. This is quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to write. I am no saint and I don't want to play victim, but this is also the first time I've sat down and recounted everything. It's taken 6 hours to write this out tonight and I'm about ready to break down at work.

I don't even know what advice I'm asking for even but I do need to get this off my chest. I've learned not to bottle things up anymore, it doesn't actually help anyone in the long run.
 

[pearlsw]

Hi Hovercow, We all need spaces to talk over difficulties in our lives and be listened to. I am impressed you took the time to write this all out and are making an effort to get a handle on some tough issues. No judgement here, you all need support in one way or another.

There is a lot to touch on here so I can't get to it all, but hopefully others will join us and discuss parts that they can.

It sounds like what started as an effort to "be adventurous" opened up a bigger can of worms than expected. I think it takes a lot of communication to open relationships up in this way, and it will take a lot of communication to get it back to a place that both of you can feel comfortable with. Does that seem possible for you two?

But the much bigger issue for now is the domestic violence. This is not something that is easy to break on your own... .and it will keep following you both until major work is done. It is dangerous for both of you in every possible way. Do you two have a way to get some third-party support on this issue?  It sounds like your partner might be open to doing some work on the relationship as well. Does that seem like a possibility?

Take care, pearlsw.

[Harley Quinn]

I want to second pearlsw by saying that not only was it incredibly brave for you to share so openly, but that as stated you will not be judged here.

I'm sorry to hear what happened with your mother.  My mum had a stroke almost 6 years ago which has meant that she lost the use of one side of her body and I can understand how much emotional strain that places a family under.  It's very hard to see a loved one go through this massive life altering change. 

It's great to hear about the safe word to keep things calmer between you two.  You're right in that as the 'emotionally healthier' partner, it is up to us to set the tone and lead by example.  Can you take advantage of calm times to discuss the physical abuse?  I'm wondering if you know how she feels about the violence and if she understands and accepts how much it impacts you?

As I mentioned in my earlier reply, I feel it would be extremely beneficial for you to get yourself a DV advocate, who can also guide you to other resources and services in your area which may be able to support the two of you.  Talking about the situation with professionals who handle these types of relationships regularly can throw some light on ways to approach this in order to move things forward into a healthier dynamic for you both. 

Whilst the BPD is in need of proper help and support for your partner, it's also important that you both understand that DV is a separate issue and needs to be dealt with in isolation.  Not all pwBPD are physically violent towards their partners.  It is not something that can be written off as part of the condition.  I made the mistake of trying to convince myself that that was the case and it didn't help my situation, which is why I feel it's an important fact to point out.  If you're anything like I was when I was in the midst of it, this will be a difficult thing to hear and possibly accept.  Knowing your partner is abusive does not make you love her any less.  It does highlight though that she needs help and so do you.

Regards your suicidal feelings on the night you've described above, did you speak to anyone about this and have there been any other occasions you felt that way?  I say this because depression can be common in people struggling with highly stressful and abusive relationships.  Without some awareness of this as a factor, things with our emotions can spiral to that place of despair.  If you feel you have symptoms of depression at all, I'd encourage you to speak to a doctor for some support.  Admitting to my GP that I was at breaking point is something I'm so glad that I did, as things have only improved for me emotionally since that point.  Do you have a therapist? 

I know I need to do what's healthy for myself and keep myself strong in order to handle this relationship, but it seems I was right about what would happen if I tried to concentrate on myself more.

I know you're probably feeling very overwhelmed right now, and have an awful lot to deal with.  Try to take every opportunity you can to rest and relax, even if that means setting off a little earlier for work and simply going for a ten minute walk.  There are ways we can include being kind to ourselves in our routine if we commit to doing that and it's worth making that effort, as it allows us to feel more balanced, less strung out and reactionary.  We can be more able to handle the tough times as they occur with a clearer mind and more rational approach if we are in a calmer place to begin with.  Having a safety plan in place for example, is only useful if you are able to implement it when you need to.  Don't give up on looking after yourself.

We have a link to another excellent document here, called the MOSAIC threat assessment tool.  This would be useful for you to establish what risk is currently involved for both of you as the r/s stands right now.  I found it extremely enlightening and I'd really encourage you to take a look at it, as it can help you to know what you are dealing with and the level of risk involved without assistance from support agencies.  You can find the document HERE.

I feel like you've a lot to take in, so I'll leave this reply at this point for now, but will be looking forward to hearing more from you as you feel able.  It's clear you want to make things better, so keep posting.  We're listening.

Love and light x 

   

[Hovercow]

Hi Pearl, thanks. Yes I think it did open a can of worms mainly because we had some pretty clear ground rules, and what made it worse was that it was hidden from me by her. I think a lot of it was I was getting sick of things and she was acting on that fear of abandonment, looking for attention. She respects now how much it hurt me and although I'm not sure about last winter when things were going south, she has respected my boundaries and it hasn't happened again.

I agree though the DV is the major issue right now and we talk about it often and openly. She hates that she has hurt someone that cares so much and knows she has a problem. So I am very lucky in the regard she is willing to put in some work.

I'm not sure about resources for us right now,
finances and healthcare are big areas of concern at this time and are somewhat of a limiting factor.

Hi Hovercow, We all need spaces to talk over difficulties in our lives and be listened to. I am impressed you took the time to write this all out and are making an effort to get a handle on some tough issues. No judgement here, you all need support in one way or another.

There is a lot to touch on here so I can't get to it all, but hopefully others will join us and discuss parts that they can.

It sounds like what started as an effort to "be adventurous" opened up a bigger can of worms than expected. I think it takes a lot of communication to open relationships up in this way, and it will take a lot of communication to get it back to a place that both of you can feel comfortable with. Does that seem possible for you two?

But the much bigger issue for now is the domestic violence. This is not something that is easy to break on your own... .and it will keep following you both until major work is done. It is dangerous for both of you in every possible way. Do you two have a way to get some third-party support on this issue?  It sounds like your partner might be open to doing some work on the relationship as well. Does that seem like a possibility?

Take care, pearlsw.

[pearlsw]

Hey Hovercow, Well, good, there are some positive signs here - that you are both wanting to improve things and are facing the fact the problems have gotten serious. Um, I don't know what part of the world you are in... .Is there anyone in your community, a DV advocate of any kind, that could provide some support for you both (or either of you) so things don't escalate? Help you both take violence off the table completely, ya know?

Communication tools can help so much. I know years ago I had a partner, a big, tall, strong guy and I used to foolishly get in arguments with him until I just stopped. I started meditating, arranged couples counseling, bought and read a stack of communication books. I put my ego aside and stopped trying to "win" against Mr. Big Guy and just cut through the weeds to get to a more peaceful place - for me at least - no matter what he did. It is not easy, but I really believe it is possible to totally change our communication with some discipline and practice. I also took, even then, an approach of just changing me and now that I am doing that again it makes a world of difference. If you don't throw fuel on fires they don't get so big!

[Hovercow]

Um, I don't know what part of the world you are in... .Is there anyone in your community, a DV advocate of any kind, that could provide some support for you both (or either of you) so things don't escalate? Help you both take violence off the table completely, ya know?

Some of the terms in this are somewhat new to me so I could get an example of what constitutes a DV advocate. From reading it sounds like the county prosecutor would be my primary resource, which is kind of disheartening because we're trying to keep a low profile. We really don't want to risk losing the kids because the sheriff comes by. I don't think they particularly like me anyway ... .

[Harley Quinn]

A DV advocate would be someone who could deal with you in confidence.  They work with individuals who are victims of DV and are part of a local support service / charity organisation who specialise in assisting people who are going through abuse in their relationships.   

Love and light x

[pearlsw]

Hi Hovercow, Yes, not sure where you are but try calling folks who support victims of Domestic Violence. They should be able to point you to local resources for someone who can help you both. Just say there is violence in your relationship and you want support with stopping it so it doesn't get worse. Let us know how it goes!

[Hovercow]

Ok I will. I know I need to have some kind of a moderator or someone that can help or something. I completed the mosaic assessment and got 8/10 with 181/200... .so I'm wondering how much I should invest in that, it even what to think of it. I'm in Washington state if that helps anyone with resources.

Right now I'm just trying not to stuff down how much all this last week has affected me. I have a really bad habit of doing that just to maintain the peace until I get overwhelmed and it comes out like the episode I had in March.

When I try to express what's bothering me, it always just ends up being that "I'm an a**hole. I'm just trying to stir things up and upset her." Ect, ect... .I know we need counseling, bad, because I can literally see myself losing my mind and starting to make poor snap decisions.

This is why I started reaching outside our relationship for support from friends, just to have the opinion of someone normal who isn't all wrapped up in this and try to maintain my sanity. After this I'm just scared to talk to anyone, I don't want her texting whoever I'm talking to again, telling them that they're the reason things are ending and guilt tripping them. I don't want to place more victims in her path.

The only thing that got me through last night was telling myself just to see how tomorrow goes. Just always hang on for one more day and see how it goes. Before anyone asks, yes I'm ok. No I'm not going to harm myself. I have my son to think about and he deserves better than this. But God*amn if I don't just feel hopeless.