better late than never

[hereforthefood]

Hello.  So, years ago, I met this beautiful girl.  She was smart, funny, different, a little dangerous, and definitely beautiful.  Somehow, I convinced her to go out with me.  As is often the case relationships, the first few months were bliss.  Suddenly, one day I seemed to upset her.  I don't even know what I "did" to upset her.  She just stopped speaking to me.  It was odd.  I asked if she was ok, what I did, etc.  She denied anything was wrong, but just wouldn't talk to me.  After a rough few days of virtual silence, she was back to normal and even gave a brief apology.  Over the next two years, she would do this a few more times.  She'd lock herself in the bedroom and wouldn't say a word.  If she came out or left the apartment, she wouldn't speak.  I would be beside myself.  What did I do?  Or keep doing to anger her?  When she'd start speaking again I'd always be on edge for fear of her going silent again.  Would she be passive-aggressive or roll her eyes at something I said again?  The pressure and tension were horrible.  I was soon riding her roller coaster of emotions.  If she was happy, so was I.  If she wasn't speaking, I'd be miserable and could barely function.  Eventually, I had enough.  For a while.  She soon married and had a couple of kids.  We stayed in contact and she wasn't in a happy marriage.  I still pined for her and the highs of the peaks of her roller coaster.  And I really liked and loved her kids.  Foolishly, I resumed seeing her after her divorce.  I bought the specific house she wanted, moved to be with her and love her kids like my own.  The silence, anger and tension were still lurking.  Now she was occasionally doing it to her older child.  I tried to be there for the older child, but felt guilty since I knew the pain they were experiencing and didn't confront her.  Then she'd do it to the younger child.  Again, I was too weak to do anything and feared she'd stop loving all of us or something.  Sounds silly and stupid, but that fear was always there.  Then she gave birth to our child.  A beautiful, happy baby that she first tolerated, but now seems to adore.  Only, I know what's in store for the baby down the line.  She'll want to subject this child to the same pain that the rest of us feared.  The treatment could be silence for a few days.  Telling her kids she doesn't love them.  Listing ways they've somehow "disappointed" her.  Letting us know on a regular basis how she hates her life and she'd be content being dead.  Calling the older kids "f'ing retards" or blaming their father's genetics for what she feels are bad qualities.  I've seen and heard this for about two years, and it took all of these disgusting behaviors, words, and inaction (on my part) to realize I can't deal with it any longer.  I don't want my child to be subjected to this.  Sure, he may be treated fine by her now, but barring a near miracle, I can see what's coming down the line.  For the past three months, she's hardly spoken to me.  That makes about a third of the past two years she's not spoken to me, unless she wants to belittle me or hurt me.  She speaks to my child and say things that aren't true or just things to get under my skin or hurt me.  And still, I've kept my mouth shut, trying to be the reasonable one in front of her kids and not fight with someone seemingly irrational.  I wake up in the morning never knowing how nasty she'll be.  I could list dozens of ways she intentionally hurts me and her older kids, but I don't need to keep typing.  I just want my child, I want her out of my house, and I want her older kids to have stability before they're permanently damaged.  After all of this time, I'm ready for advice and ready to take action.  I need help.  Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi hereforthefood and

that sort of silent treatment is really tough. we have lots of coping strategies and tools on this site, but in that situation there is really only so much you can do. how frustrating and hurtful.

as you get acquainted here, i encourage you to seek advice on our coparenting board. members have navigated this arena and can really help.

what advice can we help with? what are your options as far as taking action? and are you seeing a therapist to support you and help you navigate? it comes highly recommended around here.

[hereforthefood]

Thanks for the welcome.  I'm still not really sure what I'm looking for here.  She hasn't really spoken to me in almost three months, while currently showering the two kids with affection.  I'm just at the point where I'd like to evict her and keep my young child.  She has no interest in changing, which may not be her fault.  But I can no longer handle it.  Twenty years of this stuff and I know longer have the ability to suffer thru it.  Every single day is excruciating.  Even if she does "snap out of it" one day, I can't be around her anymore.  She's finally destroyed any remaining feelings I had for her, and it can't be repaired.  I'm just done.  I want her out, but I want my child to remain in my custody. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi hereforthefood,

I'd like to join OR in welcoming you.  Sorry to hear about your situation.  How do you feel at the moment?

It sounds like you are resolved to no longer trying to work on the r/s.  It's hard to reach that point, especially when there is a whole family to consider.  I feel for you.
 Do you have a lawyer and have you taken any steps to implement your plan to evict her?  It could be worth posting about this on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board for some support and advice on this.

Here on Crises, we can help you with the impact of the split on yourself and your family, talk through the emotions and help you to heal.

I'd encourage you to read the articles and lessons highlighted to the right of the board here, to see if that fits with your current situation and needs.  We are here whenever you need to talk to others who can understand the wealth of emotions and life impacts a BPD r/s can have on us.  It's a safe place to vent and get things off your chest.

Love and light x

[hereforthefood]

Thanks for the advice.  I don't have any interest in the relationship anymore.  She was finally able to snuff out any flame.  God only knows how many tries it took on her part to do that.  She continues the silence, the passive-aggressive nastiness, the humiliation, her efforts to hurt me, etc.  Yes, it still hurts to be on her receiving end, but I no longer feel responsible.  I don't know if that's necessarily progress since it may just be that I've been broken down as far as I can go.  I've finally opened up with a few people after keeping this a secret for many years and have the support of her parents in whatever I try to do.  At this point, my only interest is in getting custody of my child.  I have consulted with a lawyer but didn't stress the uBPD aspect of the story.  I don't know how that would impact things in the eyes of the court.  I'll try to make time to review your suggestions.  I have a meeting with someone who specializes in DBT on Monday.  If all goes well, she says she can counsel myself and her parents.  In the meantime, I just try to enjoy the time with my child when she's not home.  Thanks again for the help and support.