married and struggling

[pnwguy]

My wife and I have had a horrible few years, not just do to emotional issues but due to bad luck in general.  We're at a low right now with everything falling apart at once, and I simply am struggling dealing with her emotional issues any more.

It feels like I can never do enough to make anything better. She is always angry, upset, disappointed, always dragging up previous mistakes and misunderstandings, and dragging them into the current day again and again and again.  She is constantly turning molehills into mountains, and I feel that I have to spend more time dealing with her than every other part of my life combined.

I'm awful at setting and maintaining boundaries.  Frankly, I have no idea how to cope with the barrage of extreme emotion she hurls at me.  I've been trying to learn better self care, but she always manages to turn it into this false dichotomy where it seems like she will be so much more damaged by my taking care of myself than I will be damaged by not doing it.  And I know it's not true, but in the moment I have trouble staying strong.

Lately her emotional outbursts are getting extreme and scary and I'm just at my limit physically and emotionally, and am losing the patience and emotional control I need to navigate this.  I've started having severe anxiety around her, and recently have had panic attacks triggered by fights with her.

I guess I need some help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

pnwguy, welcome. I'm really glad you found us.

First of all, I am so sorry to hear that you've had such a horrible few years - could you share more about what's going on? Life events can be stressful enough, but dealing with the emotional turmoil present in difficult relationships can make things so much worse.

Another question - how does it go when she brings up the previous mistakes and misunderstandings? Do you defend yourself? Do you try and explain why she's wrong about you, and how you didn't really do what she's accusing you of? What responses tend to "work" and what does "work" mean for you? Another period of calm?

And lastly, you say that "she will be so much more damaged by [you] taking care of [your]self" - can you explain this statement a little bit? Something I struggle to internalize, even though I know it's absolutely true - your wife may have opinions about whether or not you get self care, but getting self care is entirely up to you. The only "damage" that's likely to come from self-care is the breaking of the current cycle of conflict and hurtful behavior - i.e., you will probably not stand for it anymore, and she'll likely push back hard on that, because it's "working" for her.

I can relate to so much of what you posted and I am very curious to hear more about what's going on. Know that we're here and many of us have "been there" so you're not alone.

~DaddyBear77

[pnwguy]

Thank you for the response, it's great to be reminded I'm not alone.  I don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family about all the details of this.

pnwguy, welcome. I'm really glad you found us.

First of all, I am so sorry to hear that you've had such a horrible few years - could you share more about what's going on? Life events can be stressful enough, but dealing with the emotional turmoil present in difficult relationships can make things so much worse.

I lost my job, we are having money problems, and lost our home to a flood.  We're still dealing with the fallout of all of these.

Another question - how does it go when she brings up the previous mistakes and misunderstandings? Do you defend yourself? Do you try and explain why she's wrong about you, and how you didn't really do what she's accusing you of? What responses tend to "work" and what does "work" mean for you? Another period of calm?

I don't think I have very good strategies for any of this.  Some of the mistakes are real mistakes, and some aren't.  The thing that I struggle with is that she impugns my motives with suggestions that it's all on purpose, and because I don't actually love her, and that is very hard to sit and listen to, so at some point I become unable to stop from trying to clarify things.  I guess this is probably not a great approach, because it never seems to get anywhere.

And lastly, you say that "she will be so much more damaged by [you] taking care of [your]self" - can you explain this statement a little bit? Something I struggle to internalize, even though I know it's absolutely true - your wife may have opinions about whether or not you get self care, but getting self care is entirely up to you. The only "damage" that's likely to come from self-care is the breaking of the current cycle of conflict and hurtful behavior - i.e., you will probably not stand for it anymore, and she'll likely push back hard on that, because it's "working" for her.

I've been trying to take breaks from fights in order to let myself calm down--I've been losing control of my emotions a lot lately as these endless circular arguments drag on--but she tries to turn me needing 20 minutes to cool off as abandonment of her and me putting my needs before her needs, because she doesn't feel like she can tolerate even a short break.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pnwguy, first of all, I can't imagine the struggle of facing these problems while coping with the barrage of unfortunate events you've been through recently. My heart truly goes out to you. BPD can be a daily battlefield in and of itself without such disasters.

I know how it feels to be at the end of one's rope and feel like all your strength is gone. So I won't give any suggestions on techniques for communicating with your wife in this reply since it seems like your own self care is first and foremost.

I find crying / screaming silently (as much as possible) in the shower very helpful when it gets too much and you need to release that pain. And exercising. Therapy of course is an easy suggestion to make but since you are having financial struggles I understand that might not be possible right now. I can't really afford it now either since I'm the sole breadwinner for the moment and we have two kids. I'm compensating by calling free help numbers (they can't really give therapy but they can at least listen, and its anonymous), reading as much as I can online and buying ebooks on BPD since they are cheaper and my wife won't see them, and above all this forum, which has been an incredible support.

So again, I would put off trying to resolve / improve anything with your wife until you've administered some self care. Hope this is of some help. Please take care of yourself. You're not alone and your pain matters.

[DaddyBear77]

I am so sorry to hear that, pnwguy. You are absolutely not alone, though.

A few weeks ago I lost my job, too, and I was already in the middle of filing for bankruptcy. This weekend I accidentally left the back door open while trying to help my daughter, and our dog got loose in the neighborhood - I was accused of trying to set her free on purpose in an attempt to cause my wife pain and suffering. Just tonight I was told I can’t possibly love her because I’m so hateful and abusive. The themes are SO similar here. I really feel your pain.

When we Justify Argue Defend and Explain (JADE), we’re actually fueling a fire that cannot possibly be put out. As a first lesson here, I would suggest you check out this link

But trust me, this isn’t easy. I’ve been here 11 months and I still defend myself constantly. It’s natural and understandable, but that doesn’t mean it will ever work.

There are lots of tools on Boundaries and Ending Conflict, over on the right hand side. But let me ask you another question - what’s the one thing you want to change about your dynamic right now. Try and think of something you might be able to accomplish as a short term goal. Would it be reaching out for support? Getting more sleep? Eating better? Anything is fair game, as long as it’s something you and you alone can make happen.

[pnwguy]

I know how it feels to be at the end of one's rope and feel like all your strength is gone. So I won't give any suggestions on techniques for communicating with your wife in this reply since it seems like your own self care is first and foremost.

Thank you, Roland.

I find crying / screaming silently (as much as possible) in the shower very helpful when it gets too much and you need to release that pain. And exercising. Therapy of course is an easy suggestion to make but since you are having financial struggles I understand that might not be possible right now. I can't really afford it now either since I'm the sole breadwinner for the moment and we have two kids. I'm compensating by calling free help numbers (they can't really give therapy but they can at least listen, and its anonymous), reading as much as I can online and buying ebooks on BPD since they are cheaper and my wife won't see them, and above all this forum, which has been an incredible support.

I am getting some therapy but I don't feel like it helps all that much.  It's good to formulate my thoughts and be reminded that I'm not crazy, but I don't feel like it helps me very much on the day-to-day struggles.

So again, I would put off trying to resolve / improve anything with your wife until you've administered some self care. Hope this is of some help. Please take care of yourself. You're not alone and your pain matters.

Thank you again, Roland.

[pnwguy]

I am so sorry to hear that, pnwguy. You are absolutely not alone, though.

A few weeks ago I lost my job, too, and I was already in the middle of filing for bankruptcy. This weekend I accidentally left the back door open while trying to help my daughter, and our dog got loose in the neighborhood - I was accused of trying to set her free on purpose in an attempt to cause my wife pain and suffering. Just tonight I was told I can’t possibly love her because I’m so hateful and abusive. The themes are SO similar here. I really feel your pain.

It's so hard never to be seen for what one is.  It's the thing that I can tolerate the least: knowing on the one hand how hard I work everyday to make this work, while at the same time being demonized for honest mistakes and misunderstandings.

When we Justify Argue Defend and Explain (JADE), we’re actually fueling a fire that cannot possibly be put out. As a first lesson here, I would suggest you check out this link

Thank you, I think this is exactly the sort of thing I need to learn.  We have these endless arguments that I just can't find my way out of.  If I try to take a break she drops ultimatums or escalates, and I just don't know how to navigate this.  I love her, but I am reaching my limit.

There are lots of tools on Boundaries and Ending Conflict, over on the right hand side. But let me ask you another question - what’s the one thing you want to change about your dynamic right now. Try and think of something you might be able to accomplish as a short term goal. Would it be reaching out for support? Getting more sleep? Eating better? Anything is fair game, as long as it’s something you and you alone can make happen.

I need better self care, and I think for that I need to figure out how to manage conflict and place boundaries, neither of which I'm doing a very good job of.

[Enabler]

Howdy pnwguy,

So, my guess is that you feel like you have an emotional rucksack on your back at the moment. It's filled with a lot of the standard things like mortgage, bills, kids, that slightly balding tire, your lack of income... .these are things you think should be shared between you and your wife, but they don't seem to be, they seem to be seen as your problems... .you own them even though they impact the whole family. Then there's the things that you put in there, your dreams and aspirations, maybe there's some jobs around the house that you really want to do but don't have the time or the money. These aren't things your W wants, they are yours. Then there's things that other people have put in there, parental obligations, kids Christmas present suggestions, things your W tells you to do/to care about... .then there's the final group of things, the things that were your W responsibility but she has chosen to unburden herself of... .taken out of her rucksack and dropped on the floor because they were no longer important to her (although she'd miss them if they weren't done), but they were important to you to maintain the order, reduce the chaos maybe.

If you have an iphone or another device, get the notes section up (make sure you use the "On My Phone" folder else it will link to an email account and maybe visible to your wife should she snoop), write down all the things that are burdening you in these 4 sections. Put them in black and white. Then, take a look at that list and see which one's you can unburden yourself of. That could be a case of returning the responsibility back to the correct owner, mentally parking or even ditching aspirations, dealing with the burden by completing a few tasks or just mentally saying to yourself "this isn't just my responsibility and I can ONLY DO MY BEST." Take the remaining items and start writing down what you plan on doing about each of the items... .you are already taking action on your relationship by educating yourself on bpdfamily. The aim is to start to climb out of the emotional hole you are in. Unburden yourself and generate an action plan to get rid of the weight on your shoulders. It's not all yours buddy and my guess is there's some unnecessary stuff in there. 

Re the arguments, these are a few things I have found useful:
- Emotional memory - has little in the way of time series, any emotionally significant event will 'feel' as if it were yesterday hence why she refers to things as if they were yesterday... .they weren't, they may have been many years ago, anchor yourself to that.
- Projection & Deflection - Without being presumptuous (I don't know), much of your wife's anger at you could be a projection of her own emotions onto you. Simply, she has negative emotions about the situation, doesn't like the feelings and can't deal with them so says you are the problem... .blame shifting, deflecting responsibility not only for the situation but for her negative emotions and inability to change the situation. pwBPD are often 'allergic' to guilt and shame.
- Her primary emotion is likely to be fear... .fear of abandonment, fear of economic situation, fear of many things... .Fear (lets call it the primary emotion) makes you feel weak and helpless, anger (secondary emotion) is a strong and powerful emotion. Being able to pick from the paint pallet of emotions is a skill each adult perfects to a different degree. pwBPD have not perfected this skill and therefore express sadness/fear/anxiety as anger and rage. Your job is to look through the secondary emotion to see the primary emotion and sooth the cause of the concern. It's very likely that what she is raging about is not the root cause of her anger. You're unlikely to see this in an argument because you're too close... .try and back up... .listen, reeeeeeally listen and stay silent even after she has finished, she will likely get past the smoke screen of "you did this and that" to the real cause of her anxiety.
- Feelings = Fact, Facts = Reality. Denying what someone perceives as being a fact is like trying to convince someone the sky is green, they will think you are the crazy one. Learn to validate the valid and don't invalidate the invalid. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue. Deny, Explain), it invalidates their reality.

Keep posting,

The board is here for you, even if I'm told to shut up for writing too much rubbish

Enabler

[pnwguy]

snip about responsibilities

This is a little hard for me to disentangle right now.  She is dealing with an illness right now (did I forget to mention that?) so there are not a lot of clear delineations.  I have had to take on a lot.  But I will think about this.

- Emotional memory - has little in the way of time series, any emotionally significant event will 'feel' as if it were yesterday hence why she refers to things as if they were yesterday... .they weren't, they may have been many years ago, anchor yourself to that.

This feels very true to me.

- Projection & Deflection - Without being presumptuous (I don't know), much of your wife's anger at you could be a projection of her own emotions onto you. Simply, she has negative emotions about the situation, doesn't like the feelings and can't deal with them so says you are the problem... .blame shifting, deflecting responsibility not only for the situation but for her negative emotions and inability to change the situation. pwBPD are often 'allergic' to guilt and shame.

This is very much true to me.  She is laser focused on blame, even in situations in which it's inappropriate, and even building tenuous, confusing paths of cause and effect (random made up example: i called her while she was getting ready, and so she rushed and spilled nail polish on her shirt or something, and so now it's my fault her shirt is ruined because I called her.)

- Her primary emotion is likely to be fear... .fear of abandonment, fear of economic situation, fear of many things... .Fear (lets call it the primary emotion) makes you feel weak and helpless, anger (secondary emotion) is a strong and powerful emotion. Being able to pick from the paint pallet of emotions is a skill each adult perfects to a different degree. pwBPD have not perfected this skill and therefore express sadness/fear/anxiety as anger and rage. Your job is to look through the secondary emotion to see the primary emotion and sooth the cause of the concern. It's very likely that what she is raging about is not the root cause of her anger. You're unlikely to see this in an argument because you're too close... .try and back up... .listen, reeeeeeally listen and stay silent even after she has finished, she will likely get past the smoke screen of "you did this and that" to the real cause of her anxiety.

This is very hard for me right now, but I will work on it.

- Feelings = Fact, Facts = Reality. Denying what someone perceives as being a fact is like trying to convince someone the sky is green, they will think you are the crazy one. Learn to validate the valid and don't invalidate the invalid. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue. Deny, Explain), it invalidates their reality.

I really struggle with avoiding JADE.  I kind of don't know what else to do.  I find it very hard, in particular, to validate her feelings when they come at my expense, and are about things that simply aren't true.

Thanks for the welcome!

[AskingWhy]

pnwguy, I am sorry your W is treating you this way.

pwBPD usually need "triggers" in order for them to dysregulate. 

Something in their lives is not the way they like it and you have a lot of life circumstances that may be triggering your wife.  It can be a number of stressors:  losing a job, natural disaster, serious illness, such you have mentioned.  These circumstances are not in your control.

If your W is ill, I agree she may be projecting onto you.  Projecting is a very common defense mechanism and a cognitive distortion.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/putting-psyche-back-psychotherapy/201706/projection-how-we-see-ourselves-in-the-outer-world

Most of us dealing with pwBPD first have learned to understand not to take things personally when our partner wBPD dysregulates.  We also learn not to get sucked into the drama.

[Enabler]

This is very much true to me.  She is laser focused on blame, even in situations in which it's inappropriate, and even building tenuous, confusing paths of cause and effect (random made up example: i called her while she was getting ready, and so she rushed and spilled nail polish on her shirt or something, and so now it's my fault her shirt is ruined because I called her.)

Do you find that she is often more focused on deflecting blame than dealing with the actual issue? Try not to get tied up in the resulting rhetorical arguments, it's not a debate you can win. My W will go to great lengths to avoid the pain of shame and her rationales never make any sense. Observe it, understand it, accept it, package up the guilt she is sending your way, emotionally discard it... .