I'm embarrassed by my girlfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Frankly, at times I'm embarrassed by my girlfriend. She's very pretty and usually sweet, but she's low-functioning (lives off welfare, sometimes homeless, etc.) She's also very socially awkward and uncomfortable in her own skin. I'm older and more "successful," I know that doesn't mean I'm better than her. But sometimes, I get snarky and condescending. Not helpful, and it doesn't go unnoticed.

I know I should not think of my partner as a reflection on me, and I should just love her without worrying how she makes me look. But I feel embarrassed for her when she misses social cues and puts someone off, or when I have to tell someone she's back in the "spa" (a.k.a. psyche ward.) I feel ashamed that I return time and time again to someone who can't offer me much support financially, socially, or emotionally, and who occasionally derails my life with her drama.

How can I mitigate these feelings of embarrassment and shame?

[Lady Itone]

Frankly, at times I'm embarrassed by my girlfriend. She's very pretty and usually sweet, but she's low-functioning (lives off welfare, sometimes homeless, etc.) She's also very socially awkward and uncomfortable in her own skin. I'm older and more "successful," I know that doesn't mean I'm better than her. But sometimes, I get snarky and condescending. Not helpful, and it doesn't go unnoticed.

I know I should not think of my partner as a reflection on me, and I should just love her without worrying how she makes me look. But I feel embarrassed for her when she misses social cues and puts someone off, or when I have to tell someone she's back in the "spa" (a.k.a. psyche ward.) I feel ashamed that I return time and time again to someone who can't offer me much support financially, socially, or emotionally, and who occasionally derails my life with her drama.

How can I mitigate these feelings of embarrassment and shame?

[babyducks]

Hi Lady Itone



Welcome to the family.   I'm glad you took the step of joining here with us and posting.   That's a brave thing to do.

I've got a couple of thoughts for you to consider.     It says on this website that it takes a great deal of strength to be in a relationship with some one that has a mental illness or the traits of one.    I like to think this means we understand that it takes more work.   more effort.    and trust me when I say,  if you have something you struggle with,   feelings of low self esteem,   feelings of insecurity, they will be harder to deal with in this relationship, because much of your attention will be directed to your partner's needs and you'll rarely get a day off.

That may not be a horrible thing.    It is, however, important to get an honest, unemotional understanding of who your partner is and what they are dealing with themselves.   that is step number 4 over there in the box on the right hand side of your screen.    

when people first arrive here, typically they arrive in crisis,   typically they are struggling with a couple of issues.    that's pretty normal.    and what is normally suggested is we focus on ourselves.   our issues,  our behavior.    that can be hard to swallow.   after all ~we~ are not the ones with the problem.    truthfully it's often a better approach  to modify our behavior and our outlook than to wait and hope that some one else will change.

Bipolar or BPD both are pretty serious illness.    They will have life long ramifications for your partner.  

Are our partners evil? Does our partners have a bad or damaged character? Are our partners  sadists? Are they insane?

Actually, if your partner is suffering from BPD or BPD traits, they are living in an emotional world that is very foreign to most of us and they are suffering with very deep wounds. Much of what they do can be understood by learning more about the illness. Sometimes they misperceive or misunderstand a situation which causes them intense emotional pain. Some of their coping is so dysfunctional that it is simply harmful to them. Sometimes they are so uncomfortable with themselves they take it out on others to relieve their own pain or make themselves feel valued.

This is a difficult illness.   My partner was diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with BPD.   She was compliant with medication and regular with therapy.   There were still times when she became manic.   And there were many many times she emotionally dsyregulated.     I learned to respond differently and better to her events of mental illness.    They were still pretty damaging.

So my first suggestion is to learn everything you can about BPD.    and everything you can about Bipolar since you mentioned that in another post.

My second suggestion is to view them as a serious mental illness.  

 

But I feel embarrassed for her when she misses social cues and puts someone off, or when I have to tell someone she's back in the "spa" (a.k.a. psyche ward.)

BPD is a disorder that has a strong basis in shame.    Jokes about 'the spa'  while they might be well intentioned can be viewed as embarrassing, and shaming.  that could be invalidating to your partner.    I understand that we tend to view mental illness and physical illness as two separate and different things.   I know we tend to stigmatize mental illness.   My suggestion to you is when she returns to psychiatric care you respond just as if she had a seizure disorder or a diabetes, or leukemia.  Supportive, caring without being codependent.    Should someone need to know,  simply say she is in the hospital for some additional care.

what do you think?

'ducks

[Lady Itone]

Hi Lady Itone

So my first suggestion is to learn everything you can about BPD.    and everything you can about Bipolar since you mentioned that in another post.

My second suggestion is to view them as a serious mental illness.  

 Jokes about 'the spa'  while they might be well intentioned can be viewed as embarrassing, and shaming.  that could be invalidating to your partner.  
what do you think?

Hi thanks for replying. I want to be really careful to not only view her through the lens of her disorder and/or mental illness. I've done tons of reading on the topics of BPD and bipolar and adhd, reading as much as I can about a subject is how I deal with the unknown. Should I choose to continue with her (we're currently "off" again after a doozy of a fight) I want to be kind to her, but I also don't want to have to walk on eggshells or tamp down my own irreverent sense of humor. Seems like one almost has to be a saint to be with someone like her successfully, and I'm far from a saint. I'm not convinced I can be the caregiver she needs and still maintain myself. I'm uncertain I'm up for so much work and sacrifice for someone who is neither my wife or child.

I've told this to her therapist, that I'm not both feet in. She, however, has decided we're soul mates, and that I have the best character of anyone she knows and says I've made her believe in people again. This makes me feel extra bad when I'm embarrassed by her and being snarky. Is there room for my flaws in this relationship? I don't know. But I sure appreciate the help of you folks here.
    

[babyducks]

Thanks for the explanation.  I understand so much better now.

There are some real trade offs in a relationship with a mentally ill person.    And they are usually very unique to the person's in the relationship.

Breaking the cycle of conflict is something we work on a  lot here.    We call it stopping the bleeding.    

Before we go any further I just want to check that isn't really her name right?

[flourdust]

Hi, Lady Itone! We ask that real names ... .or even real-sounding pseudonyms ... .not be used in the forums. To help people understand your relationship to the person in your life, you could use the forum nomenclature -- for example, uBPDgf for "undiagnosed girlfriend with BPD" or dBPDxw for "diagnosed ex-wife with BPD." More info available at the links below.

Thanks!

1.15 Confidentiality: Members shall not post information that directly or indirectly discloses the identify ofthemselves, their family members, friends or relationship partners with BPD. This includes (but is not limited to) direct information such as real names, addresses, business/home/cell phone numbers, e-mail addresses, etc., as well as, indirect information such as pet names, churches, etc.

Members having off-board information about another member shall not disclose it. Off-board is defined as anything not posted by the member, themselves, publicly, on the bpdfamily.com registering user names or avatars that they use elsewhere.

If such information is posted, the offending posts may be removed or edited without notice.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#confidentiality

bpdfamily Glossary: What do all those abbreviations mean?

[Lady Itone]

Before we go any further I just want to check that isn't really her name right?

Of course not. I choose to call her that because she feels like a drug to me.

[Lady Itone]

We ask that real names ... .or even real-sounding pseudonyms ... .not be used in the forums. To help people understand your relationship to the person in your life, you could use the forum nomenclature -- for example, uBPDgf for "undiagnosed girlfriend with BPD" or dBPDxw for "diagnosed ex-wife with BPD." More info available at the links below.

I hear you. The pseudonym is helpful to me, though--she's a person in my life, she's not a diagnosis. I'll have to think of some way to work around that if I'm to continue posting here. Thanks for the heads up!

[Fie]

Hello Lady Itone,

Welcome !

You have gotten some pretty good advise already.
I would like to add that it's not necessary to beat yourself up for being ashamed. I think your feeling is completely natural. We all want to be liked by others and we all want to be seen as 'normal'.  We want to fit in. Having a gf with BPD means being with an adult who sometimes has behaviors of a child. I can see how that feels confusing for you, and how you feel confused about how others might think about you.

Feelings are feelings ... .nothing good, nothing bad. They are what they are. Have you considered telling yourself : 'O hey, I am having that feeling of shame again' whenever you feel it coming up ? And not blaming yourself for feeling that way, nor being happy about it, just observing and feeling neutral about it ? You are allowed to have all sorts of feelings. They are all ok. You are not doing anything wrong by feeling.

I've told this to her therapist, that I'm not both feet in. She, however, has decided we're soul mates, and that I have the best character of anyone she knows and says I've made her believe in people again. This makes me feel extra bad when I'm embarrassed by her and being snarky.

Have you heard about FOG ?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Under no circumstances are you obliged to stay in a relationship. Being with somebody always has to be because we *want* to be with that somebody, not because we feel obliged to do so.
This therapist is her therapist, not yours. So she's thinking about her client when she talks to you like that. Although personally I am not convinced I find this very professional behavior. You are not a therapist for your gf, you do not have the obligation to make her have trust in people. That's not why we'd want to be in a relationship. We'd want to be in a relationship for ourselves. Because we feel good with that peticular person.

What do you think ?

[Lady Itone]

Thanks Fie that's good advice, not to feel ashamed for feeling ashamed... .                                                 I think I worded some stuff awkwardly in that last post, I meant my girlfriend thinks we're soulmates etc NOT that her therapist thinks that. Sorry for the confusion.

[Fie]

Ah, the soulmate thing :-)
Mine also thought we were soulmates. (And to be frank, I also thought we were.)
 
I think it's a typical BPD thing ... .they feel we are their soulmate - when we are in the white phase, that is. They don't feel that way anymore when they have discarded us  :-)

I think when you hit the search botton with 'soulmate' in the past posts, there will be a lot of hits.

They so much project on us and they also so much try to imitate us and be like us (in the beginning), that they almost feel like we are the same person as they are. Hence, soulmates... .

[Cat Familiar]

I think there's always the potential for a partner with BPD to cause us embarrassment. Part of what initially attracted me to my husband was his Ivy League background and status as an attorney. I had lived a hippy lifestyle with my ex husband (also BPD) and I was tired of shopping at the thrift store and being poor white trash.

I do have a university degree, and I even went to grad school, but my education didn't help me secure a well-paying job in my rural area. So it was refreshing to meet a metro-sexual man who was well-groomed, highly educated and more worldly.

Ironically, those attributes, years later are a hindrance, living on a ranch with all my animals. I'm the only one who has carpentry, plumbing, veterinary skills and asking him to assist with anything--well, it's not worth the bother.

Even with his social skills, which admittedly are more developed than mine--but I'm catching up, he has regularly embarrassed me. Part of it is that he doesn't have emotional intelligence when he gets upset. I regularly hear his voice tone ranging into the annoyed registers when he is on the phone and is frustrated by not getting his needs met immediately. And I've certainly been in his presence when he does that around other people. Often, I'll try to be a moderating influence and we end up playing the "good cop, bad cop" routine. Then later, he'll be annoyed with me because I "took their side" when in reality, I'm just trying to calm things down and see it from the other's perspective.

Once, I was horrified when we were having dinner with houseguests, some longterm friends of mine. At some point, he got upset by the dinner conversation and loudly said, "F* you!" to my friend's husband. We all were shocked and dinner came to a screeching halt, while everyone dispersed and that couple retreated to their sleeping quarters and another friend went to hers. He apologized, but it basically ruined my friendship with them, as they never wanted to visit us again, understandably.

Until that happened, I had no idea he was capable of such inappropriate behavior. It really drove a rift between us because I never again wanted to expose any friends to that sort of outburst. So now I mostly keep my friendships separate from him. Not an ideal way to have a relationship, that's for sure.

[Lady Itone]

It really drove a rift between us because I never again wanted to expose any friends to that sort of outburst. So now I mostly keep my friendships separate from him. Not an ideal way to have a relationship, that's for sure.

Yes, I also tend to keep her separate from my friends. I used to try to include her in things we did, but that stopped after an xmas party last year where she had a meltdown and decided she wouldn't speak, smile, or make eye contact with anyone. I got sick of my friends trying to reach out to her only to hear them say later "I just couldn't connect with her." She's such a beauty, there's no reason for her to be so insecure. Or, a couple of times, she's just gotten so inappropriately wasted that she was incoherent. Like, why do you feel you need to drop acid before we go see a play? It's no fun for me feeling like I have to babysit her everywhere we go, and she just acts miserable unless I'm giving her all my attention.

[babyducks]

She's such a beauty, there's no reason for her to be so insecure.

Hi Lady Itone,

I don't think there is any way to over estimate how much shame and self loathing a pwBPD experiences.    It's kind of the hallmark of this disorder.   

People with BPD believe, feel, that they are indeed so unlovable, so loathsome that if some one truly knew them, they would abandon them.   and it requires a tremendous effort on the part of the pwBPD to avoid this abandonment.     the flips side of the coin is sometimes the pwBPD can't maintain that level of effort and will 'push' for abandonment to be in control  of the relationship.

I noticed that you said this earlier.

I've told this to her therapist, that I'm not both feet in. She, however, has decided we're soul mates, and that I have the best character of anyone she knows and says I've made her believe in people again.     

To me it makes some sense to carefully consider what an ongoing relationship with her would look like.   My Ex Partner was bipolar and BPD.    after a rocky and high conflict period I made the decision to continue with her because she was also brilliant, creative, attractive (to me) and thoughtful.    I took a careful inventory and knew that some things in my life would have to change to accommodate this relationship.   

for example,  my Ex could and did become psychotic.    In a manic state she could go off on spending sprees.   for that reason I closed all but one of my credit cards and put the credit limit on that one down to 3 thousand dollars.   was that punitive ?   practical?   paranoid?   all of the above?   I don't know but it was one of the limitations of the relationship for sure.

after I did my inventory and after a bunch of posting and reading here I knew that our relationship would never go back to the idealization phase.    Where everything was wonderful and I was the best person in the universe.    I knew that there had been enough conflict that the 'honeymoon period' was over.   That was no longer available to me.   I went back because I valued her as a person and hoped to manage the conflict and challenges of the relationship the best I could.

what was your last argument about?

'ducks

[Lady Itone]

 the flips side of the coin is sometimes the pwBPD can't maintain that level of effort and will 'push' for abandonment to be in control  of the relationship.

what was your last argument about?

She absolutely pushes and provokes me until I end the relationship. I see her doing it, purposefully doing things she knows I'll find unacceptable, practically daring me to grow a pair and throw her out or call the police or do whatever I've threatened to do if her behavior continues. Then, she's devastated when I actually threw her out or called the cops.

Our last argument, which we have not recovered from, was last Sunday. The night before, we'd planned a nice day together, a picnic on the beach then a film we both wanted to see. But that morning, she was in a mood. She got very upset over something I said in the supermarket. Yes, I was being a little curt, but her bad mood was putting me in a bad mood. So I'd bought all this food and wine, but she didn't want the picnic now. Fine. I drove her home where she drank all the wine, while I went out in my kayak. Afterwards, we made up and decided to go to the movie. But by the time we got there, we were in another fight. It was over $20. She'd given me a $20 that morning for "her half" of the picnic stuff (though we actually spent closer to $60.) I'd forgotten she gave me that $20, and I asked her to pay for her own movie ticket. She refused, and wanted her $20 back, and decided she wasn't going, and I should drive her home again. I was livid. I had really been looking forward to some quality time with her and she seemed out to ruin my day since morning. I left her downtown to walk home (it's like a 20 min walk.)  By that point, I'd broken up with her as far as I was concerned. It got worse from there.

She also is psychotic sometimes, especially when she abuses her adderall. I'm terrible at dealing with that, it makes me feel so scared and unsafe. Not that she'd intentionally hurt me, but she makes bad choices and acts out of control.   

I'm aware that it isn't good for her that I cannot and will not commit fully to this relationship. I'm sure it triggers her abandonment issues that I break up with her all the time, that I am constantly asking for more space, to have more time to myself, etc... But I feel like if I go all in, I'm just setting myself up for a world of suffering. I have yet to decide that she's worth it. I mean, sometimes she definitely is worth it, but I just don't know about overall. Overall, it's a lot of drama I'm not sure I'm up for anymore.Sucks, because there really is a core of love and affection between us.

[Fie]

Dear Lady Itone,

I have yet to decide that she's worth it.

I don't think you have to decide that she's worth it. You can decide anything you want.

And how about you ? Do you feel that you are worth of something ?

Overall, it's a lot of drama I'm not sure I'm up for anymore.

BPD *are* drama, that's for sure. But can you see that what you are doing, breaking up all of the time, is also feeding into the drama ?

I personally don't believe in breaking up, getting back together, etc. Recycles wouldn't work for me.

Would you say that it might be possible that (unconsciously) you like this drama ? I hope you don't feel offended by me suggesting that. From my own experience I have seen that codependent people (like I was with my BPD/NPD) often like this drama that their partner creates. It might be a reflection of how their own childhood was. It might feel like love, because this is how love was in their FOO. It might make the 'high' higher after the fight. After a discard / break up, getting back together can feel very emotionally fulfilling and overwhelmingly good.

But is it healthy ?

What do you think ?

[Lady Itone]

But can you see that what you are doing, breaking up all of the time, is also feeding into the drama ?

I personally don't believe in breaking up, getting back together, etc. Recycles wouldn't work for me.

Would you say that it might be possible that (unconsciously) you like this drama ?

I would argue it's the flip side of that kind of drama I like. I love her passion spontaniety and childlike way of engaging with the world. I don't like having my house trashed or having to call cops.I don't like worrying because she's gone psychotic and might blow up her life. I do enjoy being her heroine when I can, though. It's not a role I've played in other relationships.

I agree breaking up with her all the time is no good for either of us. I need commit or get out. Right now I'm leaning towards get out.

I don't have anything like this in my FOO
 My 'rents have been together forever and get along great. I've never had a relationship quite as volitile as this one, at least not one where we both kept coming back for more over and over. I keep thinking to myself when it's all going wrong "This isn't me!"

[Fie]

"This isn't me!"

If this isn't you, what do you need to find back the real you ?