Borderline Waif: the guilt effect

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex was diagnosed with PTSD after our big but not final breakup. I do not know if she has BPD, she never manifested any direct rage at me, though clearly felt very angry with me. One thing she demonstrated early on was a chronic portrayal of victimisation, and the demonisation of her exes. I am just the next chapter of the same story, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

If I put myself in her head, which is not a nice experience, I can see how my behaviour could be construed into whatever she wanted it to be. I was completely confused from day one, why so much anxiety so soon? Why  haven't we dated? Why are we talking about marriage two days in? I sometimes found the constant victimisation frustrating, other times i held her and told her she was safe. I am not perfect, but I am not the person she ended up accusing me of being, but I have considered the possibility of it.

She ended up treating me so badly, and once done with me she discarded me with no closure, no apology and no empathy. Just justification and blame.

She had the next guy straight away after that breakup, was engaged in weeks, married in months. She is so so happy, and even though I know she had no respect for her fiancee while she was sleeping with me (I did not know) I feel guilty for not being able to put my concerns for her insecurity aside and drop on one knee, would that really fix her? No!

I am still left with guilt and regret. I had a terrible stressful job, she knew that. She had PTSD, neither of us knew that. If only she'd listen, I can't bare her twisting events to vilify me... .But these things wouldn't change anything.

I just happened upon a quote regarding BPD. " They know they suck, and the only thing that gives them any freedom from that is convincing themselves someone else is even worse"

This perspective seems very accurate, it has helped me. For a quiet BPD like my ex, with no close friends and only one focused relationship at any time, I think the person that ends up being the bad guy can only be the guy she is with.

Free yourselves of the guilt for not making her happy, it only means you had the sense to know you shouldn't be responsible for that.

[Justbecause]

My ex was diagnosed with PTSD after our big but not final breakup. I do not know if she has BPD, she never manifested any direct rage at me, though clearly felt very angry with me. One thing she demonstrated early on was a chronic portrayal of victimisation, and the demonisation of her exes. I am just the next chapter of the same story, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

If I put myself in her head, which is not a nice experience, I can see how my behaviour could be construed into whatever she wanted it to be. I was completely confused from day one, why so much anxiety so soon? Why  haven't we dated? Why are we talking about marriage two days in? I sometimes found the constant victimisation frustrating, other times i held her and told her she was safe. I am not perfect, but I am not the person she ended up accusing me of being, but I have considered the possibility of it.

She ended up treating me so badly, and once done with me she discarded me with no closure, no apology and no empathy. Just justification and blame.

She had the next guy straight away after that breakup, was engaged in weeks, married in months. She is so so happy, and even though I know she had no respect for her fiancee while she was sleeping with me (I did not know) I feel guilty for not being able to put my concerns for her insecurity aside and drop on one knee, would that really fix her? No!

I am still left with guilt and regret. I had a terrible stressful job, she knew that. She had PTSD, neither of us knew that. If only she'd listen, I can't bare her twisting events to vilify me... .But these things wouldn't change anything.

I just happened upon a quote regarding BPD. " They know they suck, and the only thing that gives them any freedom from that is convincing themselves someone else is even worse"

This perspective seems very accurate, it has helped me. For a quiet BPD like my ex, with no close friends and only one focused relationship at any time, I think the person that ends up being the bad guy can only be the guy she is with.

Free yourselves of the guilt for not making her happy, it only means you had the sense to know you shouldn't be responsible for that.