How often? Blame?

[vwbug]

How often does your SO with BPD have a melt down?  My exuBPD would melt down every other day or so.  And he would not apologize; he would basically say, If I apologize, that would be like saying what you did was okay (what I did was usually a harmless comment in which he saw intentional hurt).  Finally, toward the end, I begged for peace.  I stated, I really need several days in a row with peace, with no emotional upset.  He was able to maintain that for about two weeks, but at the end there was a huge blowup, and he told me that he felt like he'd been walking on eggshells for two weeks because he couldn't share his true feelings.  We'd sought therapy, and as much as he reported he was willing to work, he ultimately said, "I just get emotional, that isn't going to change" and, amazingly, the therapist didn't call him out on it.  Actually, as I type this, that was him being incredibly honest with me, and I suppose I should have believed him.  Would have saved me a few more months of chaos and pain.  Can anyone relate to any of this?

I don't want to blame, and I work so hard at trying to figure out what is mine, what I'm responsible for in a relationship that I think I take on too much responsibility.  I'm really trying to make sense of my most recent relationship.  Any feedback?  Thanks.

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[pearlsw]

Hi vwbug,

At times my partner seemed to be melting down every few days. It felt like we could not get through one week without a problem which was so different than my previous relationships where we were able to go years without any major disagreements. It was extremely disappointing and confusing for me until I finally got a better handle on my partner's behaviors and found some new ways to deal with them tailored specifically for this relationship. I found I had to completely throw out what I thought I knew from the last 30 years of life and just start all over again with a fresh perspective.

I understand why it might seem strange that the therapist did not say something at this juncture, but I think it makes sense in one way. If your partner experiences the world through this lens of emotional sensitivity that is unlikely to change unless he does a lot of work to temper it.

Do I understand correctly that your relationship is over? That may be why you hadn't gotten so many responses on this particular board. I think you may want to also look on the board Learning from the Wounds of a Failed Relationship. There you will see others whose relationships have ended and they are working to recover from the issues that raises. I know when I had a year long relationship with someone who I know think had BPD traits suddenly end I was pretty confused and wrecked over it. I had a lot of questions, but the internet was much thinner and it was hard to find answers. It's good to sort out what part of this was you and what part was him and his issues in order for you to heal and perhaps when you are ready (and if you are interested) move on to something new.

wishing you the best!