Why mess with my birthday?

[Germanic]

It's been nearly a year since the relationship I was in with a BPD ended.  During the time together, and at the point of the breakup, I knew nothing about BPD. I just felt that something was seriously wrong.  Even before I discussed the situation with anyone or found bpdfamily, I went "no contact."

Not knowing that the relationship would end at the time, I left a number of valuable things of mine with my ex which I never retrieved as I wanted no more contact. (This was an international long distance relationship which spanned from Germany to the US)  After being hurt both mentally, as well as physically, I just wanted to be permanently away.  I loved this guy with all I had and continued to ignore all the red flags blaming myself for his behavior.  It was a struggle for months after the breakup to untangle what I had experienced and understand what I had been through.  Thanks to bpdfamily and some very supportive friends, I made it out!

Then low and behold today, my first birthday since my breakup with the BPD, I receive an email from him wishing me a happy birthday.  First, I did not see that coming after receiving absolutely no contact from him since the relationship ended a year ago.
I did not even open the email as I figured that he can tell if I opened the email and read it.  I would not even want him to know that I had any interest in anything from him.  In the past, I have considered the possibilities of maybe one day being just a friend to him but I dismissed that possibility as being too risky, both physically as well as emotionally.

I'm healing and I've moved on.  I've been dating a new guy for five months now.  It's not perfect and we are both working on ourselves but one thing for sure, he's not BPD!   I just want to process why after almost exactly a year has passed and my BPDex
who has never contacted me whatsoever since the relationship ended now feels entitled to reach out and try to invade my special day.  I remember reading somewhere that BPD's never leave your life that they will circle back and resurface again.  I guess that is what has just happened.  I remember when we were together, he acknowledged birthdays of all his ex's and all others he was in contact with.  I assume that's a BPD's tool to use to keep cycling back into his victim's lives.

I just want to know if I am making the right decision to ignore the email my BPDex sent and delete it.  I admit I will always love that man and always remember the good times we had together but I am astute enough to realize when I am in a seriously compromising situation and to know when I have to exit.  I met his family and enjoyed them as well as I cared for them.  They really seemed to genuinely like and have an interest in me!  I hate that due to this situation I probably will never see them or know anything about them ever again.  I also just wanted to get some input on whether I am doing the right thing by just ignoring this email intruding in on my birthday today.  I can't help but think that someone who I loved so intensely and supposedly loved me back and never made any effort whatsoever to communicate with me in the past year and would then suddenly do so on my birthday almost a year later is doing so with nefarious intentions and using the birthday as a tool to intervene.                   

[Inside]

I’d say you’ve got it figured out, and am impressed you didn’t open the email … and would like to learn you deleted it…  I’ve read it described that ‘we’re like toys they play with until another one catches their eye, then on the shelf we go (or flying across the room) until they’re bored with our replacements.’   Sounds like classic probing here.  I’d experienced the same, and yes, over a year after our final break.

I’d also note my BPDX’s fixation with dates, names and experiences with former partners and lovers, never understanding why people who’d (supposedly) treated her so badly inspired a near reverence at times.  And, I also came to love her family, especially her mother … who once admitted to me, “I know she has her problems, but you have to understand, I’ll always be on her side.”  Wow, thought I - she’s been here before…

And yes, I’d say the fact they never completely leave our lives or heads is pretty accurate.  But how dare he intrude further into your life.  Please stay no contact, I know how difficult that can be.  At the times I’d begin to miss my r/s … I forced myself to run the litany of ugly stuff through my mind, to the point it quickly overwhelmed the good.  I’ve remained NC, then (if only within myself), felt a pride in having maintained the strength and hard-earned wisdom to have stayed clear and moved on.  Sounds like you can do it - so stay the course 

[Germanic]

Thanks, Inside, for the input.  The only reason I haven't deleted the email is that I waited until I evaluated that I was doing the right thing by not reading it and just deleting it. (Keeping my options open)  I could choose to me nice, or even just get a dig in that I've moved on and met someone else who is really wonderful, but I really think that no contact is the way to continue.  It was hard to get this far.  Why should I let one trap in the form of a disingenuous birthday greeting derail my distancing myself from 
this problem person?  I will delete the email and consider this the final closure I needed from the dysfunctional relationship which I found myself in.

[EdR]

Tbh not reading and deleting the mail is not really a sign of closure.

It might be a good idea to just delete it, but imo that just shows you're not really over it. Which I DO understand though... .but I do think you should be aware that it clearly still influences you. Not reading it/deleting it means you are still in the process of healing.

If you would really have reached closure, then reading this mail would not affect you.

[Germanic]

Thanks, EdR for your reply.  You are probably right... .I'm probably not totally "over it" and still healing.  I could open the email, read it and even respond but I just feel right now, it would just open old wounds.  I did not end the relationship with the BPD.  He did, after I sent him a message requesting that he either begin to respect my feelings and beliefs or there would be no relationship beyond a friendship. He never replied to me.  He then messaged my niece to inform her that our relationship was over and went no contact with me.  Not ONE WORD from this guy in a year after that and then he emails me to wish me a "happy birthday."

I'm tempted to go on in the healing process and delete the unread email and continue on with my life.  I'm still trying to understand where I am at in this process and what I should be feeling right now now that this guy intruded on my birthday this morning.   

[EdR]

Thanks, EdR for your reply.  You are probably right... .I'm probably not totally "over it" and still healing.  I could open the email, read it and even respond but I just feel right now, it would just open old wounds.  I did not end the relationship with the BPD.  He did, after I sent him a message requesting that he either begin to respect my feelings and beliefs or there would be no relationship beyond a friendship. He never replied to me.  He then messaged my niece to inform her that our relationship was over and went no contact with me.  Not ONE WORD from this guy in a year after that and then he emails me to wish me a "happy birthday."

I'm tempted to go on in the healing process and delete the unread email and continue on with my life.  I'm still trying to understand where I am at in this process and what I should be feeling right now now that this guy intruded on my birthday this morning.   

I understand where you're coming from unfortunately. I saw this exact same behaviour in my last two BPD friendships/relationships. It was and is SO extremely frustrating not to be able to just talk about such things and reach true closure.

For what it's worth: I think you did well to acknowledge this influence and residual hurt in your reply to my post. That showes courage AND awareness.
Knowing all this: I agree deleting this mail is probably for the best in your situation.

All the best! :-)