My family has been doing from the day 1

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The worst thing someone can do or say after you share with them your experience is to minimise your pain. And that's what my family has been doing from the day 1.-.-

From the confused/angry reaction from my dad "that the hell is wrong with you, you're older than thim, plus he's crazy", to my mom "if I were you, I would get over from that relationship after few days". I mean, patronising and minimising is strong. :-/

My sister, although doctor herself, also said sth among the lines "many guys act like that even though they don't have mental illness, maybe he's just regular duchebag".

It started to really annoy me, so I confide only to my therapist now, this forum and very selected friends. Only people who went through this can understand, others are absolutely blind to the extent od damage and mindf**ery we were exposed. :-/

[itgetsbetter94]

The worst thing someone can do or say after you share with them your experience is to minimise your pain. And that's what my family has been doing from the day 1.-.-

From the confused/angry reaction from my dad "that the hell is wrong with you, you're older than thim, plus he's crazy", to my mom "if I were you, I would get over from that relationship after few days". I mean, patronising and minimising is strong. :-/

My sister, although doctor herself, also said sth among the lines "many guys act like that even though they don't have mental illness, maybe he's just regular duchebag".

It started to really annoy me, so I confide only to my therapist now, this forum and very selected friends. Only people who went through this can understand, others are absolutely blind to the extent od damage and mindf**ery we were exposed. :-/

[happendtome]

From the confused/angry reaction from my dad "that the hell is wrong with you, you're older than thim, plus he's crazy", to my mom "if I were you, I would get over from that relationship after few days". I mean, patronising and minimising is strong. :-/

My sister, although doctor herself, also said sth among the lines "many guys act like that even though they don't have mental illness, maybe he's just regular duchebag".

It may sound silly, but your family is actually right. We should ask from ourselves that what is this thing that has changed? I mean, sun is still shining.

And we knew long before, before we had met them, that there are bad people in the world, we would even had guessed that something similar would happen sometimes in our lives. Life isnt a fairytale.

There is a saying that good people will give you happiness, bad will give you experience, worst will teach you a lesson and the best will leave you memories. And we meet all of them.

It also doesnt mean that people who say "move on" hasnt experienced anything like that. You never know, they may have experienced even worse. We can never be sure on that.

[morningagain]

Hey itgetsbetter94,
Yes, it seems many here have experienced similarly - how can anyone understand what it is like to have been in a relationship with a BPD, if they have not?  For me, the man I was before I met her, would never believe I would ever put up with the abuse for more than at most a few days, let alone years, or that I would myself get so enmeshed that my own actions/inaction would hurt those I love most dearly - my children.  I myself would not understand, without the experience - and even with the experience I can be pretty hard on myself and do not fully understand.  It gets very lonely and frustrating at times - this site has been wonderful - not a panacea, but a place where I have been able to get some knowledge, some understanding, relate to some kindred souls.
Take care

[itgetsbetter94]

It may sound silly, but your family is actually right. We should ask from ourselves that what is this thing that has changed? I mean, sun is still shining.

And we knew long before, before we had met them, that there are bad people in the world, we would even had guessed that something similar would happen sometimes in our lives. Life isnt a fairytale.

There is a saying that good people will give you happiness, bad will give you experience, worst will teach you a lesson and the best will leave you memories. And we meet all of them.

It also doesnt mean that people who say "move on" hasnt experienced anything like that. You never know, they may have experienced even worse. We can never be sure on that.

I see your point, and I do agree, but it's still fresh and painful. I don't expect from anyone to give me a magic cure for heartache or to take the pain from me, only the understanding that I am in pain and it brings me relief if I can talk to someone close about it. Just them being there and listening nonjudgmentaly helps. I don't suffocate them with my story 24/7. I'm usualy extremely private person and hate to talk about my problems. I literally haven't involved any of them in my personal drama for over 10 years. But when they see me reaching out and asking for companionship, support and understanding, that should be good enough sign that this is that one rare serious occasion when I really do need to be heard, validated, protected and loved, and not dismissed.  I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

I know the world didn't stop (I always remember that old song The end of the world) and I will emotionally get there in time, probably not too long from now, but now, when it's all still relatively new, I just need some friendly company and understanding. I know I'll get over it eventually, things will be better, there are better days ahead, but I can't simply jump to those days without going through and dealing with this pain first.

[itgetsbetter94]

Hey itgetsbetter94,
Yes, it seems many here have experienced similarly - how can anyone understand what it is like to have been in a relationship with a BPD, if they have not?  For me, the man I was before I met her, would never believe I would ever put up with the abuse for more than at most a few days, let alone years, or that I would myself get so enmeshed that my own actions/inaction would hurt those I love most dearly - my children.  I myself would not understand, without the experience - and even with the experience I can be pretty hard on myself and do not fully understand.  It gets very lonely and frustrating at times - this site has been wonderful - not a panacea, but a place where I have been able to get some knowledge, some understanding, relate to some kindred souls.
Take care

I agree, this site was a real life saver for me, and still sometimes is.
All of our experiences felt so unique, yet are all similar. Eerie.  :-/

Thank you, I'm taking care of myself, as much as I can. I hope you're doing the same.

[morningagain]

I agree, this site was a real life saver for me, and still sometimes is.
All of our experiences felt so unique, yet are all similar. Eerie.  :-/

Thank you, I'm taking care of myself, as much as I can. I hope you're doing the same.

Trying to - it is a long road.
Two of the resources here (beyond the user postings) that come to mind as being particularly helpful at times are the karpman drama triangle, and the lists of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships.  The drama triangle made clear to me many of the experiences - what man would not love being the hero?  (rescuer), how terrible to be cast as the villain (persecutor), and I really find being a victim distasteful.  Much more to it, but I would encourage anyone to read up on the drama triangle.
The lists for healthy and unhealthy relationships helps me to see more clearly what I would want for myself and for anyone, and puts into words/perspective where I have been.

So far, the hardest step is always the one I am struggling with taking right now.  Before it was, for example, detaching, or it was dealing with the intruding remembrances, or it was forgiving her, it was humiliation, it was shame, the most recent successful step that was so difficult was giving myself permission to forgive me.  Now, the hardest step is again the one I am working on - Taking active steps to improve myself and my circumstances is very difficult (getting out of the house, finding a new job, involving myself in groups, perhaps coda?  perhaps a church group?, networking group?  always wanted to write a book - there are groups for that, just reaching out to people, just not being alone anymore) - like trying to climb over an imposing mountain - I 'know' I am capable if I could only get started and suck it up, but I am so weary, and it is easier to just sit down.

[itgetsbetter94]

morningagain, don't put so much pressure on yourself. If the breakup is still fresh, you're energy has been drained 100%. It's an excellent sign that you have so many plans, and you will accomplish most or all of them in time.
They are a good motivation. In first few weeks I was barely surviving, sleeping most of the time and just lying in bed.

[Juan Pablo]

Itgetsbetter94 - I'm so sorry your family invalidates you like that. That is really hard when all we want is some support and validation from people we love and instead they tell us to get over it. That is a big lesson I had to learn in my relationship with my uBPDw. My natural response was to respond with logic, which invalidated her. Was really hard to learn how to respond to the emotional, and validate, versus explain to her how she has has it wrong.

A lot of times our loved ones, probably unintentionally, do the same with us.  We are left with wounds and need that validation and support as we work our way through self discovery and healing.

[itgetsbetter94]

Itgetsbetter94 - I'm so sorry your family invalidates you like that. That is really hard when all we want is some support and validation from people we love and instead they tell us to get over it. That is a big lesson I had to learn in my relationship with my uBPDw. My natural response was to respond with logic, which invalidated her. Was really hard to learn how to respond to the emotional, and validate, versus explain to her how she has has it wrong.

A lot of times our loved ones, probably unintentionally, do the same with us.  We are left with wounds and need that validation and support as we work our way through self discovery and healing.

Thank you Juan Pablo. You're right, they do it unintentionally, and respond logically instead of emotionally, which would benefit me more atm.
I'm sure I'll get there in time, and see that from their point of view (I mean, logical side of me completely understands that escaping the relationship and going NC was the best thing I could do, even before I knew what BPD was. Now that I know in depth about the disorder, am 100% that this was the best and only way). But the comments such as "maybe he was just a regular duchebag" annoy me because I believe I would recognise the regular douchebag. I mean, it would be nice if they gave me the benefit of the doubt that I maybe know what I'm talking about and that BPD people entangle you in their madness and pull you down with them, in a way that regular "bad boy" couldn't. That's why this is so hard. We had a full insight in their disorder and disordered and dangerous emotional scenery, we've been spiritually touched by their illness, our energies have been enmashed by deep emotional connection and (for most of us) very frequent sexual intercourse.  We've been in their world. :-/ And in their personal hell.
If they say BPD people and non BPD have different realities, than it's probably possible that people who haven't experienced r/s with someone with BPD cannot possibly fathom what it is like to come out of that sort of relationship. It reminds me of that paralel world in Stranger things.

[happendtome]

Itgetsbetter94, did anyone warned you about him when you started relationship with your ex? And if yes, then what did they say?

[itgetsbetter94]

Itgetsbetter94, did anyone warned you about him when you started relationship with your ex? And if yes, then what did they say?

Yes. His closest friends threw intervention on us! They said that he was taking antidepressants for years, was in mental hospital for 6 months last year, tried to commit suicide just a month and a half prior than we met, that the engagement was too soon, that he was probably in the state of hypomania (because of reckless spending, speed of engagement, his sudden excellent mood) etc etc etc. Some facts that they presented I knew before intervention, but some were first time revealed to me then (the most shocking ones :-/). He was deeply embarrassed and angry at them for doing that and stopped contacting them for some time.
In retrospect, those guys were on the right track, sadly.
I often think about that event and what it meant. How I sould have listened better.

On the other hand, his psychiatrist was also mad at them for doing the intervention. He stated several times that he (his doctor) knows my ex the best and he 100% supported our r/s and (fast) engagement. I heard him saying that on the phone and read his msgs stating that, so I'm 100% sure my ex didn't just make that up (which some of my friends suggested)... .

I decided (happily, ofc) to listen to his doctor... .I mean, he was the professional, right? And knew my ex the best... .:-/

My psychiatrist thinks that their r/s was totally unprofessional and possibly dangerous. I resent his doctor so much, even morr then I do my ex.
I sent his doctor a polite message once, asking his for his opinion about how I should handle the crisis when it was at its highest, but he never responded. Although I was invited to meet him in person the next time my ex was supposed to go to therapy.

All of this played with my mind big time. It's really the most bizarre experience of my life, and God knows I had a handful of those.

[happendtome]

I think you were lucky that you didnt marry him. To me it seems that if marriage is involved then only few people could walk away and divorce after 1-2 years.
Most people would get stuck for years or even decades. People have this "need" to fix their marriage and they also find it hard to explain to their friends and family what went wrong. It is usually very stressful and people adopt kind of thinking that if i survived yesterday then i could survive also tomorrow. Very wrong.

This is something you should tell to yourself - you escaped a bigger damage. You would have lost all your health, because these relationships suck out all energy eventually.

[itgetsbetter94]

I think you were lucky that you didnt marry him. To me it seems that if marriage is involved then only few people could walk away and divorce after 1-2 years.
Most people would get stuck for years or even decades. People have this "need" to fix their marriage and they also find it hard to explain to their friends and family what went wrong. It is usually very stressful and people adopt kind of thinking that if i survived yesterday then i could survive also tomorrow. Very wrong.

This is something you should tell to yourself - you escaped a bigger damage. You would have lost all your health, because these relationships suck out all energy eventually.

Thank you for this post. I'll screenshot it and read when I need it.

He was pushing the date sooner and sooner. He even wanted the marriage to be in October (we got engaged in July), without our family, in secrecy, only with few closest friends. Embarrassingly enough, I'm not 100% I wouldn't got through with that. He somehow sucked me in his mania. I was not 100 but 1000000000000% sure he was my soulmate, so why wait for something so natural and beautiful like the marriage of twin flames... .? (Oh my God.  )

[happendtome]

Im glad that you found my words to be helpful
Just remember, every time you feel little bit anxious try to picture yourself into position where you would be if you would be still together with him. Maybe you would have developed some serious health problems by now. But i can promise you one thing - you wouldnt be happy there. There would be one problem chasing another.

[itgetsbetter94]

Im glad that you found my words to be helpful
Just remember, every time you feel little bit anxious try to picture yourself into position where you would be if you would be still together with him. Maybe you would have developed some serious health problems by now. But i can promise you one thing - you wouldnt be happy there. There would be one problem chasing another.

Thank you for encouragement! You're absolutely right. 2 months with him put me in a psychiatrist's office. 2 years with him would probably put me permanently in mental hospital. :-/
I read threads on ongoing relationships- I could NOT do it. Not in a million years. Lines like "Maybe I didn't validate his rage enough... .". Come on. Who would validate my broken spirit, shattered heart and eventually insane mind? Not him, I'm sure. Not worth it

[Wolfsocks]

I am sorry your family is not more supportive. Something similar happened to me with the difference that my parents liked my pwBPD because she has created such a lovable persona around them. Now my parents think I am the crazy one and since they aren't into psychology I can't just tell them: "I was emotionally abused and could no longer take it."

No, I have to painstakenly and with much detail defend my decision to leave.

Despite our similar situations I think we still have the same core problem: We don't get any validation for the fact that we did one of the hardest things ever - we broke free from a manipulative person.

At least for me this was the hardest and the best decision I've ever made. But nobody seems to get this... .

[itgetsbetter94]

I am sorry your family is not more supportive. Something similar happened to me with the difference that my parents liked my pwBPD because she has created such a lovable persona around them. Now my parents think I am the crazy one and since they aren't into psychology I can't just tell them: "I was emotionally abused and could no longer take it."

No, I have to painstakenly and with much detail defend my decision to leave.

Despite our similar situations I think we still have the same core problem: We don't get any validation for the fact that we did one of the hardest things ever - we broke free from a manipulative person.

At least for me this was the hardest and the best decision I've ever made. But nobody seems to get this... .

Wolfsock, have you talked with psychiatrist?
I know it's hard not having the family by your side, at least in the way you want them, but talking with the therapist also makes wonders for emotional hygiene.  To me, my therapist's opinion is the most important, since she basically "saved" me from that toxic relationship.

I can't say my family is not by my side, they are, but they're giving me the same advice they would give if he was some regular f***boy. For goodness sake, I nearly got married to him! He occupied my mind, heart and soul and completely got into my head. My doctor said herself- "××××××, you're an intelligent woman, you would have recognised if he was only playing with you. His emotions WERE very real at the time, but because of his instability, he cannot maintain them for a long time".

I wouldn't dare to suggest to my family to read online about PB, as I know they would only roll their eyes, but if your parents might be more accepting of the idea, you could suggest that.

My ex also completely enchanted my grandma, she fell in love with him those few times I brought him with me. They have a way of crawling up people's skin, even of those who are cautious and sceptical.

As I wrote above, if you can't find comfort in your family, find a good psychiatrist, possibly one who has experience with cluster b.

[Wolfsocks]

Wolfsock, have you talked with psychiatrist?
I know it's hard not having the family by your side, at least in the way you want them, but talking with the therapist also makes wonders for emotional hygiene.  To me, my therapist's opinion is the most important, since she basically "saved" me from that toxic relationship.

Hey, Itgetsbetter, no I haven't contacted a therapist yet but I plan to. I had informal therapeutic help because a friend of mine is a psychologist and supported me during my breakup. Speaking to her has also helped me with emotional hygiene.

I am very sorry that your family is not taking you serious. Sometimes I think the way my friends and family have reacted has traumatised me all over again. It is so terrible to go through something like than and not be taken seriously once you muster the courage to leave and reveal the dark side of the relationship to others. Fortunately we both have people who believe and support us.

Thank you so much for your advice! I will try to find a psychiatrist who is familiar with cluster B

[toomanydogs]

I'm enjoying this thread. itgetsbetter94, i agree that it's good you didn't marry.
i married my BPD, and i am now in the process of a divorce--at his initiation. i attempted to divorce him a few years ago, and i can tell you the only thing worse than being married to someone with BPD is divorcing them.
when i initiated the divorce, someone tried to steal my car, someone broke into my house, and my H waged a smear campaign online, maintaining i was a gold digger. he posted a year's worth of AMEX bills to "prove" his point.
this time he initiated and it has been marginally better. maybe better than marginally because this time i know i'm done.
i'm exhausted. plus, he's been seeing hookers, another woman who seems more serious, and i don't see how i could forgive any of that, even--and this is a big even--if he were to apologize.
my H doesn't apologize. not ever. not in the way regular people do. he apologized to a woman who yelled at him, really yelled, because he had called her daughter and me 'bi***es". she lit into him and he backed down, saying he was sorry. it wasn't an apology of remorse; it was an apology said only, so she'd stop yelling.
i have: good friends, great family, work i enjoy and that i'm good at, and i have animals up the yin yang. provided my prenup is honored, i should be okay financially.
at first, i fought the idea that i was looking at a divorce at my age (in my 60s), but now, i'm thinking, 'okay, let the last third of my life be drama-free.'
TMD

[itgetsbetter94]

Toomanydogs, thank you for encouragement! My psychiatrist warned me they can get really ugly when it comes to divorces and custody battles... .outside world still sees them as charming and trustworthy as ever (only we insiders know the truth) and in fact WE can look as unstable and "crazy" ones... .:-/
I'm really glad you're nearly out and got your ducks in a row! Your life seems very comfortable and fulfilled, and without an anchors around your neck, only the sky is your limit.