Husband disowned by son

[Parents! Get help here!]

My stepson (26),  whom my husband had custody and was three when we got married, is now living with his mother. I believe she has BPD and has always been unstable. SS was a difficult child and was failing school his sophomore year and decided to drop out. Husband and I decided to send him to a boys school. SS did well, graduated early and did receive counseling while there. However, when he came home he started making bad decisions again. One second he hated us for sending him to school, next breath he told us it was a great decision. We asked him to move out when drugs got involved. The last eight yrs have been a long, slow, rocky decline in the relationship. Mother loves it. Bad mouths both of us. In May, SS said he didn't want to have anything to do with us. He blamed everything on me and told DH his feeling about me in flaming language and DH hung up. That was the last time they spoke. Strange that he continues a relationship with sister in-law, brother in-law, and nieces. They say they won't listen to him bad mouth us and try to reason with him. Bc of Christmas DH thought about reaching out but just can't to it. It breaks my heart. Looking for help, info, and support!

[Hatedstepmother]

My stepson (26),  whom my husband had custody and was three when we got married, is now living with his mother. I believe she has BPD and has always been unstable. SS was a difficult child and was failing school his sophomore year and decided to drop out. Husband and I decided to send him to a boys school. SS did well, graduated early and did receive counseling while there. However, when he came home he started making bad decisions again. One second he hated us for sending him to school, next breath he told us it was a great decision. We asked him to move out when drugs got involved. The last eight yrs have been a long, slow, rocky decline in the relationship. Mother loves it. Bad mouths both of us. In May, SS said he didn't want to have anything to do with us. He blamed everything on me and told DH his feeling about me in flaming language and DH hung up. That was the last time they spoke. Strange that he continues a relationship with sister in-law, brother in-law, and nieces. They say they won't listen to him bad mouth us and try to reason with him. Bc of Christmas DH thought about reaching out but just can't to it. It breaks my heart. Looking for help, info, and support!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Hatedstepmother... .and welcome

I am not a stepmother so can only imagine the complicated issues you face if you are one.  Coming into your stepson's life when he was only 3 and your husband having sole-custody, surely had you create a bond with him.

You write that your stepson did receive counselling at one point in time.  Was he ever diagnosed as having BPD?   While our daughter was never officially diagnosed, we see the traits and strongly suspect it is the case with her... .hence my participation here.

You also write that you find it strange that he continues in a relationship with other family members.  Not so strange in my thinking.   When we have been out-of-contact with our daughter over the years, for one reason or another, she has done the same.   She needs for others to take sides - her side.  It is difficult not to get caught up in that behaviour... .having to defend ourselves.  That turns into a "he-said-she-said"... .fruitless... .but... .oh so hard to stay silent.

You and your husband have found the need in the past to set boundaries... .i.e... ."we asked him to move out when drugs got involved."  Oh, so understandable!  Boundaries are important.  Some are negotiable, others are not.  Each of us have to find our own footing with those decisions.

Seems your stepson is now setting his own boundary saying he doesn't want to have anything to do with you... .hurtful but a boundary you might just have to respect.  With that said, written Christmas greetings, birthday wishes, etc. are innocuous.  Assert no pressure for a reply - just let him know he is not forgotten... .indeed, loved (although sometimes a difficult word to use after all their rejection).  If he comes to the point where he asks for you to back off of doing that, well... .maybe time to give him his requested space.   He is 26.  He is not alone - has the support of his mother.

You certainly have come to the right place to find information on how to deal with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours... .and... .valuable information on how to look after yourselves (and I stress that part!).  Added to that, your story resonates with others here as they walk down similar (of course, never exactly the same) paths.  We all need to be validated and knowing we are not alone with the problems we face with our troubled children really can give one a needed boost.

Keep sharing, Hatedstepmother.  In turn you might find the opportunity to support someone else on this forum as they pour out their hearts.  There are no immediate answers... .no magic buttons to push... .but baby steps in making necessary changes can get us started into enjoying OUR lives.

Huat (aka... ."Hatedmother"