Setting Boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think I need some support in setting boundaries with uBPD mother. I’ve started setting them again recently after having moved across the country a decade ago and putting up huge NC boundaries. I wasn’t aware of of BPD or what was happening to me so I sort of let those boundaries down and let mom back in my life as I thought she had changed.

Slowly returned to talking with her a lot and it’s spiraled back to me having that feeling of wanting to run and disappear completely. I won’t go into all the back story but she’s obsessively posting and stalking me on Facebook and texting me about my every move or thing I do there, if I don’t respond to a text within a few hours she starts posting old photos of me and tagging me with these sappy sweet family is everything pieces of writing, my daughter is so great... .I’m so proud.

If I don’t respond, she may go into how my financial situation is causing strife in her marriage or how worried she is about me it’s causing her already poor health (another story, she has health issues, but they are manageable if you take care of yourself, but she opts to let them control her) to be worse, etc. she threatens to leave my dad to live with me, etc.

I didn’t respond for 4 hours once and she posted to Facebook she was worried and tagged me to have my friends track me down and made it into this big thing that something happened to me. Somehow she tracked down my work number and left a voicemail. Thank god im the only one that answers that number. She begs for my friends phone numbers to have on hand in case there’s an emergency, which means they’ll end up getting calls like that. I could go on and on with things that stand out that I’m trying to process.

Anyways, I’ve recently limited my contact majorly. Almost in the process of going NC, but have to make it through Christmas visiting, which I set up like 6 months ago when things were better.

She’s seeing a therapist for depression, etc., and will send me messages stating she needs to deal with managing the stress and strife my “issues” have on her with her therapist and asks these intrusive questions, she often confronts me with things that twists skills and coping mechanisms I’ve gained in the past from my own sessions, etc.

I have a feeling no contact is the answer, but I’m not quite to the ability to do that and am trying to set boundaries and stick to them and she’s relentless trying ask me questions, and pulling the I just want you to be happy and healthy, being a good mom, etc and now I’m just sort of feeling guilty for wanting to be NC and paranoid that she knows I’m seeking help and support and is stalking me.

Not really any questions, but if you want to share any stories of similar experiences or any techniques you’ve learned for boundary setting and maintaining confidence in yourself and sticking to your intuition and not letting the confusion and guilt get to you, I’m all ears!

Thanks!

[Adventurelvr]

I think I need some support in setting boundaries with uBPD mother. I’ve started setting them again recently after having moved across the country a decade ago and putting up huge NC boundaries. I wasn’t aware of of BPD or what was happening to me so I sort of let those boundaries down and let mom back in my life as I thought she had changed.

Slowly returned to talking with her a lot and it’s spiraled back to me having that feeling of wanting to run and disappear completely. I won’t go into all the back story but she’s obsessively posting and stalking me on Facebook and texting me about my every move or thing I do there, if I don’t respond to a text within a few hours she starts posting old photos of me and tagging me with these sappy sweet family is everything pieces of writing, my daughter is so great... .I’m so proud.

If I don’t respond, she may go into how my financial situation is causing strife in her marriage or how worried she is about me it’s causing her already poor health (another story, she has health issues, but they are manageable if you take care of yourself, but she opts to let them control her) to be worse, etc. she threatens to leave my dad to live with me, etc.

I didn’t respond for 4 hours once and she posted to Facebook she was worried and tagged me to have my friends track me down and made it into this big thing that something happened to me. Somehow she tracked down my work number and left a voicemail. Thank god im the only one that answers that number. She begs for my friends phone numbers to have on hand in case there’s an emergency, which means they’ll end up getting calls like that. I could go on and on with things that stand out that I’m trying to process.

Anyways, I’ve recently limited my contact majorly. Almost in the process of going NC, but have to make it through Christmas visiting, which I set up like 6 months ago when things were better.

She’s seeing a therapist for depression, etc., and will send me messages stating she needs to deal with managing the stress and strife my “issues” have on her with her therapist and asks these intrusive questions, she often confronts me with things that twists skills and coping mechanisms I’ve gained in the past from my own sessions, etc.

I have a feeling no contact is the answer, but I’m not quite to the ability to do that and am trying to set boundaries and stick to them and she’s relentless trying ask me questions, and pulling the I just want you to be happy and healthy, being a good mom, etc and now I’m just sort of feeling guilty for wanting to be NC and paranoid that she knows I’m seeking help and support and is stalking me.

Not really any questions, but if you want to share any stories of similar experiences or any techniques you’ve learned for boundary setting and maintaining confidence in yourself and sticking to your intuition and not letting the confusion and guilt get to you, I’m all ears!

Thanks!

[Turkish]

she’s relentless trying ask me questions, and pulling the I just want you to be happy and healthy, being a good mom,

You could mirror this back,  "thanks for pulling for me Mom.  I am happy,  healthy,  and a good mom." Provide small targets,  or none.

If she persists, repeat it,  verbatim,  without engaging.  Brief.  Informative.  Friendly.  Firm.  BIFF.

The visit sounds like a challenge though... .