Is there a difference between "the silent treatment" and "my boundaries"?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Where as The Silent Treatment certainly occurs to me as an unhealthy and childish form of control and punishment, it's certainly also the case that a person's personal boundaries need to be respected - and that boundary can include "please don't speak with me at this time".     So what's the difference?   Is the Silent Treatment somehow "healthier" if the person who is engaging in it simply announces "I'm in need of some space here, please respect my boundary of silence when it comes to you"?   I think what occurs to me as so maddening about my friend's use of The Silent Treatment is that she feels that she should be able to turn it on and off like a light switch for whatever reason she feels like, and everybody needs to respect her "boundary" when their "silence" light is turned on.   And I'm not sure such is how real "boundaries" are supposed to work.    All I know is that any attempt to break thru the Silent Treatment quickly descends into "you are not respecting my boundaries" and such feels like something isn't adding up quite right.    Basically I think I respect for any person's stated healthy boundary, but I have zero respect for somebody pulling out The Silent Treatment as a way to control or punish - and then even less respect if the silent raging person flips the script and plays victim that their "boundaries" are not being respected.   My BPD friend's perspective is that her "I'm available to speak to you" boundary can flip-flop back and forth much like  - a "WELCOME" or "Sorry I am CLOSED" sign on a daily or weekly basis, and woe to people in her life who don't "respect" her boundary.      I'm sorry, but last I checked, the "victim" of silent rage is the person being silenced.   When that person protests, is the "silent rager" all of a sudden a victim of a "boundary violation"?    Something feels very wrong with this math.   So is the Silent Treatment a legitimate "personal boundary"?   Curious as to people's thoughts.

[CycleBreaker123]

Where as The Silent Treatment certainly occurs to me as an unhealthy and childish form of control and punishment, it's certainly also the case that a person's personal boundaries need to be respected - and that boundary can include "please don't speak with me at this time".     So what's the difference?   Is the Silent Treatment somehow "healthier" if the person who is engaging in it simply announces "I'm in need of some space here, please respect my boundary of silence when it comes to you"?   I think what occurs to me as so maddening about my friend's use of The Silent Treatment is that she feels that she should be able to turn it on and off like a light switch for whatever reason she feels like, and everybody needs to respect her "boundary" when their "silence" light is turned on.   And I'm not sure such is how real "boundaries" are supposed to work.    All I know is that any attempt to break thru the Silent Treatment quickly descends into "you are not respecting my boundaries" and such feels like something isn't adding up quite right.    Basically I think I respect for any person's stated healthy boundary, but I have zero respect for somebody pulling out The Silent Treatment as a way to control or punish - and then even less respect if the silent raging person flips the script and plays victim that their "boundaries" are not being respected.   My BPD friend's perspective is that her "I'm available to speak to you" boundary can flip-flop back and forth much like  - a "WELCOME" or "Sorry I am CLOSED" sign on a daily or weekly basis, and woe to people in her life who don't "respect" her boundary.      I'm sorry, but last I checked, the "victim" of silent rage is the person being silenced.   When that person protests, is the "silent rager" all of a sudden a victim of a "boundary violation"?    Something feels very wrong with this math.   So is the Silent Treatment a legitimate "personal boundary"?   Curious as to people's thoughts.

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[CMJ]

Hi CycleBreaker123

That's a question I've asked myself more than once.
I also believe that the difference between silent treatment and a healthy time out is communicating your need for it, but I also know you're not obliged to inform the other person about your boundaries. It's caused me to wonder if I'm being toxic before.

I do think silent treatment is about control, but not always about controlling the person on the receiving end. I think that sometimes it's about controlling the situation rather than the person. pwBPD can take longer to return to an emotional baseline so it could be that anything to do with the person they're angry/upset with causes their emotions to flare up again and resets the timer so to speak.

How does your friend react if, when things are ok between you, you take a while to respond to them? I'm autistic, when I can feel an overload coming I'll reduce the amount of information my brain is absorbing in an effort to stave it off. Often this includes putting my phone down and not looking at it for hours. If my friend messages me during that time I'll inevitably get a follow up the next morning asking if she's done something wrong even though she can see I've not even read her original message yet. I think it's revealing that she thinks my silence is telling her she's done something wrong.

[CycleBreaker123]

Hi CycleBreaker123

That's a question I've asked myself more than once.
I also believe that the difference between silent treatment and a healthy time out is communicating your need for it, but I also know you're not obliged to inform the other person about your boundaries. It's caused me to wonder if I'm being toxic before.

Why not let the person you are upset with know that you are taking a break from them?   Putting them in a position to guess insures that my boundary will be violated the next time they reach out to me.  I believe the healthy way to take a time out from somebody I am close to is something like - "I'm pretty upset right now, let's talk a week from today, until then please don't contact me".    I'm not promising I'll be "over it" in a week, but I am making an appointment to discuss the situation one week from now, thus letting the other person know that they will have an opportunity to address whatever the issue is, and I will make myself available to discuss it with them.    It's the open ended nature of the Silent Treatment that is so ominous, and so punishing.

I do think silent treatment is about control, but not always about controlling the person on the receiving end. I think that sometimes it's about controlling the situation rather than the person. pwBPD can take longer to return to an emotional baseline so it could be that anything to do with the person they're angry/upset with causes their emotions to flare up again and resets the timer so to speak.

Right, a person who has been Silenced is not allowed to speak - violation of this rule typically results in the sentence to get reset to Day One as well as extended.  If you are serving one week of "Silence" penance, and you speak up on Day 5, it is now a TWO WEEK sentence starting from the day you spoke.   This sort of nonsense has zero to do with 'boundaries" and everything to do with a childish power play.


How does your friend react if, when things are ok between you, you take a while to respond to them?
Not well, but it doesn't happen very often.   I respond to messages and have never willfully delayed responding in order to play some sort of meta-game, and especially if the message involved emotional content.   The rare times she calls on the phone, if I don't pick up, she will call over and over

 I'm autistic, when I can feel an overload coming I'll reduce the amount of information my brain is absorbing in an effort to stave it off. Often this includes putting my phone down and not looking at it for hours. If my friend messages me during that time I'll inevitably get a follow up the next morning asking if she's done something wrong even though she can see I've not even read her original message yet. I think it's revealing that she thinks my silence is telling her she's done something wrong.

[Enabler]

Hey Cyclebreaker123.

I am having real issues with the consistency of communication at the moment. During my 20yr relationship my uBPDw has expected responses very quickly so I have learnt to have my phone on my desk and reply asap to things like txt, whatsaps and phone calls.

Since the breakdown of our marriage a new dynamic seems to have crept in, one which has escallated in the last couple of weeks. What will happen is that I might start a conversation, or she might with me, we will talk on whatsap for a bit whilst I'm at work and then she will just stop dead mid way through a conversation. Or she will just flatly stonewall all communications with me. She won't even view the messages at all day and then when I get home from work she will view them again. It's quite strange and nothing has been communicated with me like "these are the rules, I will ignore you between 7-7 because I'm trying to put some distance between us". Nothing at all like that and there is a lack of consistency since when she wants something she will contact me and I assume expect a response in my usual quick measure.

Last night for example she was out, and I was out as well. On the train home I sent her a 1 liner saying "You Okay?". I saw that she was online for 10-15mins and yet totally failed to look at my message. Since I was walking back from the station and it's a dark road I gave her a call... .completely ignored me. Then, when I arrived home she "accidentally" calls me and claims that no messages or calls existed. Quite strange.

I don't know if I'm being ignored for control, for testing, to punish, to put distance in the relationship for the divorce... .nothing has been communicated and if it's not intentional I've no idea what the trigger is.

Crazy-making... .

[CMJ]

Why not let the person you are upset with know that you are taking a break from them?   Putting them in a position to guess insures that my boundary will be violated the next time they reach out to me.  I believe the healthy way to take a time out from somebody I am close to is something like - "I'm pretty upset right now, let's talk a week from today, until then please don't contact me".    I'm not promising I'll be "over it" in a week, but I am making an appointment to discuss the situation one week from now, thus letting the other person know that they will have an opportunity to address whatever the issue is, and I will make myself available to discuss it with them.    It's the open ended nature of the Silent Treatment that is so ominous, and so punishing.

Could not agree more.
Just saying that, imo, Silent Treatment isn't always a premeditated and calculated punishment, that there isn't always a conscious decision to do it to hurt the recipient. Sometimes it's just an unhealthy coping mechanism to avoid a situation they don't like, the recipient is just collateral damage. I think it depends on the person.
I get what you mean though, my friend will tell me she's upset with me and then go silent for weeks. It's frustrating because she's able to voice the initial upset so why not anything more about what's bothering her?

Right, a person who has been Silenced is not allowed to speak - violation of this rule typically results in the sentence to get reset to Day One as well as extended.  If you are serving one week of "Silence" penance, and you speak up on Day 5, it is now a TWO WEEK sentence starting from the day you spoke.   This sort of nonsense has zero to do with 'boundaries" and everything to do with a childish power play.

If it's done that way, then yes it's definitely not to do with boundaries and more to do with getting you to dance to their tune. Again I think this depends on the person though, it could simply be that enough time hasn't passed yet for them to calm down enough. I'll give you an example... .

I'm currently reading Loving Someone with BPD. In one part the author describes a therapy client who left a session really angry with her. Upon returning for the next session a week later the client was still just as angry. He'd been given "homework" to do and wasn't able to complete it because every time he looked at it just seeing her name on the sheet of paper was reminder enough to cause all the anger to come boiling back to the surface so a week later he was still feeling the same.

I don't buy the silence as a personal boundary though. I think a need for a time out should always be communicated for the benefit of all parties.

[Tattered Heart]

I would agree with everyone in that the intent of the silent treatment and HOW it is handle determines whether it is a personal boundary or a control technique.

If someone gets mad and just goes silent, then I would say that is a form of emotional abuse and control, regardless of whether it is conscious or not. When that behavior continues as seething, quiet rage or lasts for more than a few hours or so, I'd say it is definitely a form of control.

If someone gets mad and tells the other person I need some space that's better complete radio silence. But what would make it even better than that is the person says "I'm angry. I need some space to think and calm down. Can we come back to this later (or tomorrow or whatever given timeframe)?" This lets the other person know they are not being ignored, controlled, and that the issue will not be ignored.

At the same time, we cannot control other's ST. What can you do while your pwBPD is giving you the ST so that you don't find yourself struggling emotionally?

[Wanda]

ok my two cents...
u just need to find something to occupy your time while the silent treatment is going on go about your life go do things go out enjoy life let the other person give you the silent treatment. if you are to leave when they rage like with my husband and thats what i would do i go on with life they can rage with out me. there . so to me when they are silent same thing go on and when they are ready to talk they will let you know in the mean time life goes on... .    don't let their silent treatment bother you or control you...

[CycleBreaker123]

I would agree with everyone in that the intent of the silent treatment and HOW it is handle determines whether it is a personal boundary or a control technique.

If someone gets mad and just goes silent, then I would say that is a form of emotional abuse and control, regardless of whether it is conscious or not. When that behavior continues as seething, quiet rage or lasts for more than a few hours or so, I'd say it is definitely a form of control.

If someone gets mad and tells the other person I need some space that's better complete radio silence. But what would make it even better than that is the person says "I'm angry. I need some space to think and calm down. Can we come back to this later (or tomorrow or whatever given timeframe)?" This lets the other person know they are not being ignored, controlled, and that the issue will not be ignored.

At the same time, we cannot control other's ST. What can you do while your pwBPD is giving you the ST so that you don't find yourself struggling emotionally?

I'm not really that worried about my friend doing her ST thing - it's just silly and childish at this point.   What I'm particularly annoyed with is her attempt to "creep-shame" me because she's a younger female, she thinks she can announce that Silent Treatment is now in force - and should I say anything - she gets to cry "Wow how dare anybody cross my boundary, etc".   I've basically decided that such behavior is my line in the sand - enough is enough.   Such occurs to me as a particularly nasty form of emotional abuse, sort of like "cheating", I guess if that makes any sense.   An abuser pretending to be a victim is just gross.   

[Tattered Heart]

Have you told her that it feels abusive to you?

[HistoryAddict]

I certainly sympathise with anyone going through this, as I am myself currently. The silent treatment from my BPDbf started while I was in hospital, having just been through a total hip replacement, and is still ongoing 2 weeks later! He dropped me off there, kept in touch by text for 2 days, (he lives 80 miles away) and then nothing, even though I texted with my progress most days, and it hurts like hell.

[WhimsicalLogic]

I’ve been on the receiving end of the silent treatment since Friday night. No responses to texts, social media, etc. I have no clue what triggered it, but I sent her a text yesterday that I’m confused, but I love her and will be here for her. I sent another this morning clarifying that the silent treatment hurts me, I don’t think that’s her intent, and I would like to understand her feelings about it better when she’s ready. I just want her to know that I still love her while reinforcing my boundaries.  I’ll just going about my life until she comes around. We’ll see... .

[CMJ]

Just wanted to add that when my friend goes silent, if I wait a few weeks and then reach out in a friendly way without mentioning what caused her to go silent she'll respond in kind. This makes me believe that in her case the ignoring/blocking is more to do with conflict avoidance/calming down rather than punishing me because I've not done been jumping through hoops, no apologising, pleading or demanding on my part, ie I've not done anything that could give her a sense of power or control.

CycleBreaker123, I'm curious how your friend would respond if you suggested that, because you want to respect her boundaries, she block you when she needs space instead of ignoring you, and unblocks you when she's ready to talk. That way everyone wins, she gets her space, you're not guessing whether it's safe to talk, and no boundaries are broken. Unless it really is all about setting you up to fail so she gets to play the victim.
Not convinced this is a good idea though so not suggesting you do it at all, I'm just curious what her response would be.