Old coping habits rearing their ugly head

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. For the past month we’ve been non stop travelling, for work and pleasure. Aside from tantrum and mild meltdowns at the airports things were going steady, I, however, was antipating the other shoe to drop, so to speak, at any moment. This moment came unexpectedly and hit me hard like a tsunami. We’ve been staying in another state, 6 hours away from our home for  my uBPDh’s work. I’ve made a choice to take our yonger  s10 out of school early this year and bring him with us. We’ve been away for a few weeks prior due to our d14 competition, and pleasure travel. Paradoxically, the more time we spent together, the calmer my uBPDh seemed. Once we arrived to our current destination and my uBPDh started working extended hours he began to distegulate. From name calling to threats of “kicking me out, leaving me, impregnateing another woman” he’s been out of control. Things reached its height when I fell asleep on the couch and he noticed it. For some reason it’s the one of the biggest triggers for him- seeing me asleep on the couch, he instantly starts shouting for me to go and sleep in the bedroom, why do I think I’m allowed to sleep there? It always catches me by surprise, drowsy and groggy I used to try to explain that I can’t control drifting away. I know better now. I just quietly get up and try to shuffle around to show him I’m awake. I can’t begin to tell you what kind of shock wave it sends through my system every time. The yelling, the insults, the unexpectedness all send Adrenalin pumping through my body, during the long days when I’m especially tired it feels like a torture. He told me that he is sleeping separately tonight, all the while yelling from another room “why did she come here? I don’t need her? I’m gonna kick her out. She’s a nobody, nothing. I’m gonna send her packing tomorrow. Why did I get married?.”
In the past I’ve developed a plan for dealing with his disregulation:
1.pretend to get busy
2. In a very neutral voice say “we don’t talk to each other like that”
3. The next day pretend as if nothing happened
4. Redirect with something else, like a shiny toy to a child

This episode came in while he was playing on his phone, when he looses while playing, it’s always my fault and I always get blamed for it. He is still playing and disregulating, yelling and my little guy is very scared. What coping mechanism should I adapt in order to let this fire burn out? I’ll try to validate the obvious such as him being tired, working long hours. Any advice would be appreciated

[snowglobe]

Hello all, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. For the past month we’ve been non stop travelling, for work and pleasure. Aside from tantrum and mild meltdowns at the airports things were going steady, I, however, was antipating the other shoe to drop, so to speak, at any moment. This moment came unexpectedly and hit me hard like a tsunami. We’ve been staying in another state, 6 hours away from our home for  my uBPDh’s work. I’ve made a choice to take our yonger  s10 out of school early this year and bring him with us. We’ve been away for a few weeks prior due to our d14 competition, and pleasure travel. Paradoxically, the more time we spent together, the calmer my uBPDh seemed. Once we arrived to our current destination and my uBPDh started working extended hours he began to distegulate. From name calling to threats of “kicking me out, leaving me, impregnateing another woman” he’s been out of control. Things reached its height when I fell asleep on the couch and he noticed it. For some reason it’s the one of the biggest triggers for him- seeing me asleep on the couch, he instantly starts shouting for me to go and sleep in the bedroom, why do I think I’m allowed to sleep there? It always catches me by surprise, drowsy and groggy I used to try to explain that I can’t control drifting away. I know better now. I just quietly get up and try to shuffle around to show him I’m awake. I can’t begin to tell you what kind of shock wave it sends through my system every time. The yelling, the insults, the unexpectedness all send Adrenalin pumping through my body, during the long days when I’m especially tired it feels like a torture. He told me that he is sleeping separately tonight, all the while yelling from another room “why did she come here? I don’t need her? I’m gonna kick her out. She’s a nobody, nothing. I’m gonna send her packing tomorrow. Why did I get married?.”
In the past I’ve developed a plan for dealing with his disregulation:
1.pretend to get busy
2. In a very neutral voice say “we don’t talk to each other like that”
3. The next day pretend as if nothing happened
4. Redirect with something else, like a shiny toy to a child

This episode came in while he was playing on his phone, when he looses while playing, it’s always my fault and I always get blamed for it. He is still playing and disregulating, yelling and my little guy is very scared. What coping mechanism should I adapt in order to let this fire burn out? I’ll try to validate the obvious such as him being tired, working long hours. Any advice would be appreciated

[Lalathegreat]

Oh my lord, I’m sorry - I do not feel like I have any advise, but what the heck is with the sleeping on the couch thing?

I NEVER would have thought of it as a BPD thing necessarily, but I can recall several times I drifted off on the couch with him or his son while watching tv or whatever and it completely set him off.

I wish that I felt equipped to provide you with a plan, but for what it’s with it sounds like you’ve learned to stay calm and not overreact in the moment which I know is hugely important. I think refusing to stay and tolerate abuse is as well, but be careful to plan your exit so as not to escalate the crisis.

Hang in there, hopefully someone will have some great ideas to help diffuse the loop!

Lala

[pearlsw]

Hi Snowglobe,

It's been awhile - nice to hear from you, even under the difficult circumstances.  I was just reviewing this myself, maybe it is also a good time for you to review it? This is How to respond to heightened emotions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.msg11986938#msg11986938

I'm gonna quote a piece of it here to encourage others to take a look because this information can be a real lifesaver!

"Extreme dysregulation has a way of blindsiding you, catching you by surprise and leaving you reacting in negative, rather than positive ways. Your frustration and resentment can quickly boil over. Few of us are prepared, yet it is in these situations that we most need to have a quick, automatic response to cope.

How about 5 steps to respond that can lead to better, more balanced outcomes... .

#1) Regulate your own emotions

Pause - take a deep breath and notice your physical sensations. Label them as the emotion you are experiencing.

Pay attention to your body posture - unclench your hands, relax the muscles on your face. Make sure your other muscles are not tensed.

half-smile - send calming messages to your brain.

validate and cheerlead yourself - you are doing the best that you can right now. Focus on the good



#2) Validate (do this at every step)

soothe your loved ones emotions by finding something to acknowledge.

*You are validating that you understand them.

*That you accept they have a right to their feelings. Even if you don't agree with them.

*That it is a reasonable possibility, and that others would feel the same way.

*That you have empathy for them (a true connection with what they are going through).

*That there is a kernel of truth to what they are expressing.

*That they have a legitimate right to feel as they do.

Whenever emotion begins to build, stop and validate again"

What do you think?

Also, I wonder if the complaining about the sleeping on the couch thing is actually about him wanting you with him in bed at night? Maybe he feels abandoned a bit? My partner complains a lot too about me sleeping on the couch and I think it is partially about not being able to be alone and it makes him feel more secure when I am near him. (He is also jealous and I think he worries if I am awake I am chatting online - I am not and never have. I just come here and try to learn and gain support, but I have to do it at off times - mostly when he is away. I try to find a balance on this - sometimes I am near him while up late reading, but I do not type anything (for the most part) so he does not get distressed. I have plenty to do online besides writing out my thoughts - I study/watch stuff that interests me, etc. so I deal with it this way for now, but I would like to feel free to type anytime I want to... .perhaps in time this will happen. Sorry for going on a bit of a tangent!)

[snowglobe]

Dear @pearlsw, thank you so much for taking the time to support me during this holiday season!
My few thoughts on your reply:
1. The “couch incident” only happens when I’m sitting next to him, meaning when we both watch tv and I snooze off, he immodiatly flies into beresk mode. Yelling, pushing me off emotionally. Perhaps there is an element of abandonment in his behaviour, only I can’t rationalize it in my head. It’s likely stemming from him never having a bedtime routine and mother who would do the bedtime ritual. He randomly fell asleep at random places around the house with no set bedtime. When we came together I kind of took this caretaking role of regularly bathing him, as he shared with me once he never got a taste of. And having him a relaxing massage so he would drift off to sleep. Perhaps me falling asleep on the couch before him seems like an abandonment of a kind... .
2. Him slowly faking into silent treatment has taken a toll on me. Being torn away from my home, my eldest daughter and my studies, which I all forsaken (not playing a victim, all calculated choices in order to improve our family’s financial setuation) seem ... .pointless?. I’m having a problem dealing with my own confusion and loss. How can we have intimacy and emotional connection when the trust part is missing. I’m constantly alert and anticipating an episode from him, even when things are good. Even so, it never prepares me fully enough when it comes crushing down. Just last week when we were away, random people would comment on “our emotional connection, the way he looks at me, how jealous he looks when I actively engage in a conversation with Other men, the pictures he secretly takes of me doing random trivial things”. It’s the adoration and objectifying part when I can do no wrong, and he is ready to conquer the world to make me happy. Yet I always know that immidiatly after idiolozation part I will be “nothing, nobody worthy to be with, devalued and tossed away”.
In my cycles of grief I can’t seem to come to the acceptance stage. I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid that once I reach it, I won’t me able to have “normal” (all pun intended) relationships with him.
It’s day 3 of dysregulation, he slipped into silent treatment mode, no longer ranging. A disgusted look upon his face when he looks at me, curt answers or ignoring all together taken over yelling and insulting. He asked our s10 who is staying with us to share the bed with him last night. We are staying in a rental while on this business trip. With 2 bedrooms to ourselves my little guy is asking to cosleep and it’s unfamiliar environment. So all of the previous nights we were all cosleeping. Last 2 nights my uBPDh has been sleeping in a separate bedroom. When he asked our son if he wanted to sleep with daddy tonight I didn’t obeject. He seems to earn for closeness and emotional connection, and our s10 is very warm and nurturing little guy. When uBPDh awoke this morning, he is barely communicating. What steps should I take and how should I behave in order to facilitate his current state? We are miles away from home and the sole purpose of me being here is to provide consistent reliable support. With issues arising from the business venture he’s becoming disregulating. While he is at it, I’m the only outlet to his frustration, irritation and Ling working hours. Yet when he is dysregulates it’s counter productive for the purpose that I came there. I would appreciate any input

[formflier]

For the future:  When emotions are better, the couch thing is something to get proactive about. 

1.  For you:  That indicates YOU are not taking care of YOU enough.  YOU need to go to bed.  No apologies to anyone.  Your body is telling you that it needs more sleep and/or that your sleep hygiene needs to be improved.

2.  For you hubby:  Ask him directly to nudge you gently and suggest you go to bed.  Tell him what you need and want... .DO NOT bring up the bad stuff. 

"Hey babe... .I like to spend as much time as I can with you.  Sometimes I do that when I obviously should go to bed.  Can you xyz next time when I fall asleep on the couch next to you?"

No other discussion about it... .if he wants to blame... .let him know you are available to talk later... ."right now, I need to get back to what we do when i fall asleep next to you"  Remember that phrasing "I need to get back to... ."

You are not dismissing his complaint, merely rescheduling it since you initiated the current conversation.

Thoughts?

FF

[Smileypants]

I have experienced this also. 

With my BPDh if I fall asleep on the couch, bed or otherwise and it is something "we" are suppose to be doing together He flips out.  I am the type that I can't just sit and watch a movie or show.  I have to be doing something or working on something, otherwise I fall asleep.  I am a mother of 5 (6 if you count my husband).  I also work and my youngest is still breastfeeding often.  I am busy and even though he is telling me how LAZY I am, I know I am allowed to be tired. 

He also has issues concerning where I sleep and how I sleep.  When I sleep in our bed, he yells at me for making the bed shake, keeping him awake, snoring, not taking care of his needs, he will even tell me to go sleep somewhere else.
he will also yell and curse at the kids if they wake him.  he will threaten not to pay bills because he didn't get sleep.  For the first 5 years we were together I slept only on my right side facing the wall.  if I had to cough or blow my nose, I would time it for when he snored.
So I decided I'd sleep upstairs, that way I could sleep and be available if the kids needed me without bothering him.  He took issue with that too.  "I have already abandoned him sexually"  and I can start paying the bills if I am going to sleep upstairs.  Yes I have abandoned him sexually and have no desire to even be touched by him ever again. 
He wants that control over me and I am not allowing it anymore.  I walk away.  He insults me and I walk away.  He calls me a coward, I walk away. He video taped me (while I was cooking dinner & holding our youngest) with his phone while trying to bait me into a fight.  I stayed silent. I did not let him bait me.  He ended the video saying "I'll take your silence as yes (agreeing to what he stated)."
I don't really have much advice and I am sorry.  I hope that your situation calms down.  I find that the less I feed into it the quicker it ends.  I have learned to not try to defend myself because everything I say gets used against me.  He even tries to use me silence against me as validation for whatever he is accusing me of at that moment.  he also accusing me of being up to "something" on my phone,  so I also don't type much on my phone either.  He doesn't understand the internet much.  one time he accused me on cheating on ETSY.  That was pretty funny.  Anyway sorry for writing a book here.  I just wanted to share some similar experiences I had.   

[snowglobe]

For the future:  When emotions are better, the couch thing is something to get proactive about. 

1.  For you:  That indicates YOU are not taking care of YOU enough.  YOU need to go to bed.  No apologies to anyone.  Your body is telling you that it needs more sleep and/or that your sleep hygiene needs to be improved.

2.  For you hubby:  Ask him directly to nudge you gently and suggest you go to bed.  Tell him what you need and want... .DO NOT bring up the bad stuff. 

"Hey babe... .I like to spend as much time as I can with you.  Sometimes I do that when I obviously should go to bed.  Can you xyz next time when I fall asleep on the couch next to you?"

No other discussion about it... .if he wants to blame... .let him know you are available to talk later... ."right now, I need to get back to what we do when i fall asleep next to you"  Remember that phrasing "I need to get back to... ."

You are not dismissing his complaint, merely rescheduling it since you initiated the current conversation.

Thoughts?

FF

Dear @formflier,
Thank you for coaching me through it. Once his emotions are settled i will take the time to convey my expectations to him. I’m still struggling to understand the very base of his reaction to me falling asleep. It seems childish and unreasonable, but like anything BPD it’s counter intuitive and has a long prior history to it.

[snowglobe]

Dear @Smileypants, I’m so sorry you are experiencing similar reactions and behaviour from your husband. With 5 kids I imagine you are pretty busy to say the least. You are doing great by not reacting to his insults, however the are a  few things I learnt and utilized in my everyday interaction with my uBPDh that I now want to share with you. If you read my previous posts, in a lot of emotions and noise there are amazing comments and suggestions coming from different members. One of the things that  was suggested is to gently push back. Not in an instigating a fight kind of way, but just enough not to be his doormat. When my uBPDh starts raging I calmly, gently and very quietly state “we don’t talk/speak to each other like that” and I leave it at that. 99 our of 100 times it a block post for him. He doesn’t continue... .I no longer play the pouty victim I once used to play, I keep my interaction open, gaze firm, trying to establish and maintain the eye contact all the while I interact with him. Things are still continuing to spiral out of control, but I choose to the degree of how much I participate in his drama. Please, keep on writing and posting

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Snowglobe, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  I am now divorced from my BPDxW.  When we were together, I used to say that a storm cloud could appear out of a clear blue sky.  Like you, I became hyper-vigilant about potential outbursts, which gets tiring.  Towards the end of our marriage, I practiced disengagement, which was recommended in one of the Al-anon sessions I attended.  It's a technique that allows one to distance oneself from stressful episodes.  It's not for everyone, but I found it helpful.

LuckyJim

[snowglobe]

Hey Snowglobe, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  I am now divorced from my BPDxW.  When we were together, I used to say that a storm cloud could appear out of a clear blue sky.  Like you, I became hyper-vigilant about potential outbursts, which gets tiring.  Towards the end of our marriage, I practiced disengagement, which was recommended in one of the Al-anon sessions I attended.  It's a technique that allows one to distance oneself from stressful episodes.  It's not for everyone, but I found it helpful.

LuckyJim

Dear @LuckyJim,
Thank you for the suggestion of disengaging, I do practice it at times of great distress. However I find that the more I disengage, the harder it gets for me to come back and love him wholeheartedly. As one of the members once said, it’s hard to love someone behind the wall. I’m trying my best to separate the man from the disorder, unfortunately it’s complicated and inmeshed. I don’t know anymore when it’s him being a$$ or the insecurities and fears stemming from an abusive childhood and inconsistent parenting.

[formflier]

Worry less about "figuring it out"... .I doubt you ever will.  Focus on action... ."when I fall asleep it would be helpful to me if you would... xyz".

I get the allure of trying to figure out the BPD puzzle.  Sadly, most energy spent on that is wasted. 

Better to understand the general themes, understand it is about emotions, not facts.  Let them sort themselves out, don't rescue.  Let them experience consequences in their lives.

FF

[snowglobe]

Worry less about "figuring it out"... .I doubt you ever will.  Focus on action... ."when I fall asleep it would be helpful to me if you would... xyz".

I get the allure of trying to figure out the BPD puzzle.  Sadly, most energy spent on that is wasted. 

Better to understand the general themes, understand it is about emotions, not facts.  Let them sort themselves out, don't rescue.  Let them experience consequences in their lives.

FF

@formflier- I’m really struggling tonight. My uBPDh’s dysregualtion continues to spiral out of control. Our common daily theme, whenever we are together in one place is:
1.him playing his video game on his phone, cussing me out in front of our son, in a small rental townhouse there isn’t really a space I could escape. It’s negative 20 outside, so walk is also out of options. It’s constantly come “I wish I never had to look at your ugly face you $&“?’ B$&«», talking to our s10, but the message is really directed at me “never tr at a woman nicely, the worse you treat them, the more compliment they are”. These comments just floor me instantly and make me furious. It’s enough that I’m dealing with him, I can’t have my son treating a woman this way. So I calmly explain that you can’t do that, otherwise he would end up alone. To which my uBPDh replies that “there isn’t anything that money can’t buy”. Which is also his common running theme these days.
2. He is constant talking about sleeping/obtaining/possessing yonger women, girls almost. According to him his desired age is 18-20 and me being 33 is like being a prehistoric dinosaur. Never mind he’s 43, he calls it Eastern European thing to have much yonger women. I seriously can’t deal with this, my self esteem and self worth is being shuttered into million of pieces. Apparently 10 years age difference isn’t good enough. My body, that carried two children isn’t good enough, I weight 50 kg being 5.4 isn’t good enough, nothing is good enough and I’m cracking under this pressure. I’m so upset I’m barely holding on to my internal compass of what’s right. Everything around me is screaming in response to this rejection, I want to throw it right back at his face... .but I won’t. Because of I do, then all of my practicing SET is for nothing, all of my emphaty is for nothing, all of my validation is for nothing and I just waisted my time. I want to leave and see how he would miss having me around, how sorry he would be, but I know he won’t. You can’t break something that hasn’t been whole to beggin with. I know this feeling, I’m near the end of my rope

[formflier]

Can you take your son and leave the house, drive somewhere for an hour or two the next time he starts in with the stuff he is saying to you?

Empathy, SET and all of that don't mean anything if accomplishing that is done by letting your head and your son's head be filled with toxic speech.

How has "explaining" things to your husband worked out?

If it is working well... .then keep doing it?

If you don't think it is working well... .then remember pwBPD "listen" to what your "actions say".

If you want to "tell" him that you won't listen to such stuff, then how can you effectively "tell" him that?

FF

[snowglobe]

Can you take your son and leave the house, drive somewhere for an hour or two the next time he starts in with the stuff he is saying to you?

Empathy, SET and all of that don't mean anything if accomplishing that is done by letting your head and your son's head be filled with toxic speech.

How has "explaining" things to your husband worked out?

If it is working well... .then keep doing it?

If you don't think it is working well... .then remember pwBPD "listen" to what your "actions say".

If you want to "tell" him that you won't listen to such stuff, then how can you effectively "tell" him that?

FF

You are right on point, his words are truly toxic, especially on young and imaginable brain of our children. The very base of his speech is founded on a belief instilled by his parents that he is “useless, worthless and nothing”. As an adult man he firmly believes that he can’t be with a woman, unless he is providing some kind of financial assistance. I’m not talking about soliticiting prostitute, I’m talking about modern arrangement known as “sugar daddy”. He says that only naive and childless yonung girls are grabbing his attention. Their bodies aren’t yet ruined by carrying children and they still don’t know what they want. Which to me just confirms the fact that he can’t carry a weight of mature relationships With a woman, even me finding my voice and no longer begging and pleading with him makes me no longer attractive target.
Me being alone with my son with no adult person to converse with and no purpose other then being 1940s wife has successfully stripped me off of my other layers of identity. Student, friend, daughter are like a protective layer against his emotional torture and brainwash. Becoming his caregiver would have been bareable if it wasn’t for constant splitting.
Tonight, if he dusregulates I will find a cause such as “ran out of milk or xyz and vacate the premise for a short while”. This way it won’t be obvious abandonment but I would not have to listen to his “all women are b$&,$:;” speech.
We haven’t spoken about “couch incident” as of yet, last night we went car hunting. He loves cars, he knows and appreciates them, I thought is was a welcome distraction that would turn his mood around. After we went out for dinner with our son, during the family dinner he continuesly bombarded me with a verbal diarrhea on how he’s been invited to “shenanigans” with the boys that work for him, and how he doesn’t think he won’t be able to withhold the temptation of a beautiful young girl. I calmly and firmly said “I have my complete faith in you, that you would, you would because you love me, and because you know that if I were to find out that would be the end of us”. I stated my limits and the consequences of his possible actions and well as outsole. He continued to press me if I thought he could resist the temptation. I just restated the same abc in other words.
The only way, the quickest way for him to feel emotionally connected to me is through physical connection. We haven’t had any for some time due to travelling and our little guy being with us. It appears to me tht he is jealous and restful of him?. I know it sounds crazy, but we don’t get in the same space when it’s just the two of us. His dysregulations are much shorter and aren’t as severe. Any advice on how to deal with jealousy towards his own child?
dear Formflier, you’ve helped me to get out of a prickly setuations before, please explain your statement regarding listening to actions? How can I effectively convey my message without flying into raging mode? What is psychology behind the listening to actions? 
I’ve been successfully able to navigate through his bating techniques, never worked for me in the past, I was too emotionally charged. However as of lately I understand all this boundary pushing and testing, on how far he could push me

[formflier]

OK, I'll start with a hard truth.  What you are doing by walking away from abusive conversations is boundary enforcement.  It is protecting you and your son.  There is little chance your husband will like it.  It is very likely he will rage.  

When you actually leave him alone while raging, this will likely confuse him.  He has been able to control you with rage before and now it's not working.  He may be super nice... .he may get worse... then back to nice.

Very likely that he may cycle between all of these approaches as his emotionally fried brain is going "why isn't this working".


Again... I'm not aware of anyway to do this that he will "like"  Sorry... but those are the facts.

There is a "healthy" way to do this.  Be succinct... be direct.  I am NOT a fan of pretending to do something else, he won't get the message, it will confuse him.

The message you want him to "hear" is "I won't listen to that kind of talk".

To you question about "listening to actions"  It is unlikely you can verbally explain this to him in a way that will get him to stop being abusive.  It is likely that if your "actions" (walking away with your son) are consistent that he may then "hear" the message that you won't listen to him talk that way.  

Does that make sense?  In general pwBPD don't "listen" to verbal communication well.  

So... .practice this a bit.

Him:  blather blather blather, get me a young unspoiled woman, you suck, they don't, my kid this, you that... blather blahter

Once it's obvious he has started down that road.

in neutral voice:  "Hey babe... .I'm not able to have this conversation right now.  Can we work get dinner going and talk about this after dinner"  (or something like this).  Give him a chance, but make it clear that YOU are not having this conversation.  Notice you are not "telling" him anything about his words or his conversation... .no accusations.

lets assume he continues.

"I'm going to take a break from this conversation.  I'll be back in 20 minutes."  walk out with your son

Make sure that you walk around with cell phone in pocket, money in pocket.  Purse ready to grab whatever.

It will not be good for it to take you 5 minutes to gather things... .I'm thinking about 1 minute from time you say you are leaving until the door goes click.

Ignore texts and calls.  Until the time you stated has elapsed.

Then try again.  Be nonchalant.  Focus on dinner or something else when you come back, you are offering to "schedule" time to discuss "the issue" later.  He will want to SOLVE it right now, likely by having you accept blame.  Time needs to elapse so he can calm.

Wash rinse repeat as many times as needed.

Thoughts?


FF

[snowglobe]

@formflier, reasonable plan, trying to think of how I can plug it into my routine. Running at a risk of sounding naive, but is what he is doing to me a form of abuse or emotional manipulation? My rational mind tells me that if he wanted to do what he says he wants, why would he discuss it with me? When he is opening up, he says that “talking about it” stops him from going through with it?. Again, can’t find no rational connection between the two. I understand that it’s a form of control by instilling fear and doubt, yet he resents me even more when I’m pathetic. In the past I used to tell him, if that’s want you want, go and do it, ask him to stop talking about it, tell him that it hurts me, all in vein. It only instigated this behaviour and reinforced it. I was trying to be “extra” so he wouldn’t leave me for a younger woman, I know, bazar. I now say when it gets too much “you are your own person, if you can look at the mirror after and live with yourself; then do it. I know I can’t. If I find out that you were unfaithful it will be the end of our relationship.” Yet, when disregulated its one of his favourite songs in his repertoire. I sit and wonder, if I pack up my son and go now, back to my home city, what would be the consequences. He’d probably tell me we are over and he is moving out, or tell me to prepare for an ugly custody battle, since he knows that the well-being of our children is my top priority.
My mom’s routine tests came back positive for possible oncology, she is undergoing further testing Thursday this week. I can’t lean on him for emotional support. I was never able to do that, the moment I need him to be strong he starts resenting me. Perhaps tonight I’ll be able to start putting the boundaries to protect myself and my son. I will prepare the bag and dress him reasonably warm to leave instantaneously once he starts raging. At this point it’s not “if” but “when”. I find it easier to digest the information when you explain to me the rational behind the behaviour. Thank you for providing me with the explanation and closure that I will never get from him.