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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just posting this is giving me huge anxiety, but I need to talk about it.  I am also afraid (as I've seen some others) that my partner will see this.

I have been married for 12 years, together 13.  I have 2 children (age 5 and 9).  Our relationship has been very rocky.  I don't remember good times-like never.  There has always been the push/pull.  The drama.  My mother also exhibits lots of symptoms of BPD and was mostly high functioning through middle age, but recently (within the past 10 years) has absolutely lost all control and it is obvious.  Partner and mother seemed to ping pong me (like the arcade game where the ball is smacked all over the place).  Ganging up on me, etc.  And each told me I was the one with the problems, I believed them.  I lived in their alternate reality for so many years.  I am now very low contact with my mother and am able to recognize when she tries to suck me back in-so that's good news.

Partner and I have had many separations.  Many.  He'd convince me to let him back.  I covered for him with work.  I covered for him with the kids, his family, etc. He is also an alcoholic.  I feel like he is maybe the vulnerable narcissistic personality disorder--I know BPD and NPD are similar.  He always wanted complete control, but did not want to be "present" for daily life.  Did not take care of kids, or be responsible for anything, had no work ethic, never contributed around the house/chores/etc.

We separated about a year ago and I filed for divorce in March.  He continues to drink.  He ignores me.  He has had many affairs (on line via dating apps or prostitutes) and blames it all on drinking.  He does all the usual gas lighting, projecting, begging, blames me for absolutely everything.  I still can not get away from this guy.  He still wants to be with me.  He will not move on.  I have read about BPD partners up and leaving and marrying someone else, living with someone else, moving away--he is not doing this, he is suffocating me.  I wish he would GO. 

When I tell him this he acts like a beaten puppy.  And I am feeling like:  we are here because you put us here! I am relaying reality to him and it's like my words mean the opposite.  Like his actions mean the opposite.  I feel like the crazy person here--especially because of my mother.  I feel like the guy in "Fight Club"--like it's me.  I am constantly seeking reassurance from my friends/family/counselor that it is him and not me.  I know they must be tired of hearing the drama.  I feel so out of whack.  I feel like I have been jumping from crisis to crisis/drama to drama with this dude and he blames me for all of it and he gets me so riled up that I appear/sound completely crazy.

I have reached out to his family because he has terrified me with multiple threats of suicide (several months ago-he is now in counseling and on meds).  They have not taken it seriously which has left me beside myself.  The thing is--he has a history of that.  I had no idea.  My life is starting to even out and I have tried really hard to keep things straight for the kids, but he continues to make me feel sorry for him and play me.  I feel like I am in a tar pit fighting to get out.

I apologize for this being general or vague.  It is nice to know I am not alone.

[FourHens]

Just posting this is giving me huge anxiety, but I need to talk about it.  I am also afraid (as I've seen some others) that my partner will see this.

I have been married for 12 years, together 13.  I have 2 children (age 5 and 9).  Our relationship has been very rocky.  I don't remember good times-like never.  There has always been the push/pull.  The drama.  My mother also exhibits lots of symptoms of BPD and was mostly high functioning through middle age, but recently (within the past 10 years) has absolutely lost all control and it is obvious.  Partner and mother seemed to ping pong me (like the arcade game where the ball is smacked all over the place).  Ganging up on me, etc.  And each told me I was the one with the problems, I believed them.  I lived in their alternate reality for so many years.  I am now very low contact with my mother and am able to recognize when she tries to suck me back in-so that's good news.

Partner and I have had many separations.  Many.  He'd convince me to let him back.  I covered for him with work.  I covered for him with the kids, his family, etc. He is also an alcoholic.  I feel like he is maybe the vulnerable narcissistic personality disorder--I know BPD and NPD are similar.  He always wanted complete control, but did not want to be "present" for daily life.  Did not take care of kids, or be responsible for anything, had no work ethic, never contributed around the house/chores/etc.

We separated about a year ago and I filed for divorce in March.  He continues to drink.  He ignores me.  He has had many affairs (on line via dating apps or prostitutes) and blames it all on drinking.  He does all the usual gas lighting, projecting, begging, blames me for absolutely everything.  I still can not get away from this guy.  He still wants to be with me.  He will not move on.  I have read about BPD partners up and leaving and marrying someone else, living with someone else, moving away--he is not doing this, he is suffocating me.  I wish he would GO. 

When I tell him this he acts like a beaten puppy.  And I am feeling like:  we are here because you put us here! I am relaying reality to him and it's like my words mean the opposite.  Like his actions mean the opposite.  I feel like the crazy person here--especially because of my mother.  I feel like the guy in "Fight Club"--like it's me.  I am constantly seeking reassurance from my friends/family/counselor that it is him and not me.  I know they must be tired of hearing the drama.  I feel so out of whack.  I feel like I have been jumping from crisis to crisis/drama to drama with this dude and he blames me for all of it and he gets me so riled up that I appear/sound completely crazy.

I have reached out to his family because he has terrified me with multiple threats of suicide (several months ago-he is now in counseling and on meds).  They have not taken it seriously which has left me beside myself.  The thing is--he has a history of that.  I had no idea.  My life is starting to even out and I have tried really hard to keep things straight for the kids, but he continues to make me feel sorry for him and play me.  I feel like I am in a tar pit fighting to get out.

I apologize for this being general or vague.  It is nice to know I am not alone.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi FourHens and welcome  

Firstly, to ease your worries about your post being found, there are over 100 000 members on this site and everyone is involved or has been involved with a pwBPD in some form or another.  It would be extremely difficult for your husband to single out a post from yourself.  So feel safe here.  You're also in good company, and as you will see from reading others' posts, there are many similar stories on this forum, so you are far from alone.  We can relate to what you're going through and I'm sure you'll get great support and encouragement from other members.  The information here is also second to none, so I'd encourage you to take a look at the articles and lessons to the right, as well as anything else within the tools section (in the top menu above) that resonates with you.

Are you still living together whilst the divorce comes through?  It must be very hard having regular dealings with your husband whilst you are trying to detach from the relationship.  How many children do you have and are they all at home with you?  I know how hard it can be when you must keep it together for the kids yet you feel like you're going nuts inside with all of the drama and chaos.  Just remember that you didn't feel like this before you entered the r/s, so you can also feel better after it.  I can imagine you'd give anything for some peace right now though.  What options do you have to make life a little easier for yourself in the meantime?  

Keep reading and posting.  What you're going through is tough, and we know all about tough times here.  Take advantage of the opportunity to vent and know that it will be understood and received without judgement.  It helped me enormously to find this site and you can benefit too from the input of others here.  Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Love and light x

[FourHens]

He has been out of the house for a year, fortunately, but still very present.  He could still control when he came home, when he saw the kids, money, me... .  I filed for divorce because that was the only way I could get him to respect "rules".  He still doesn't completely.

We have 2 children, 5 and 9.  They don't understand and see him as a fun-uncle type.  They are starting to wonder what is going on and are asking questions and becoming upset.  I see a counselor and will be seeking counseling for them at the first of the year.  Partner is still very much in denial so he freaks out if we are in a situation where "divorce" becomes a concrete idea rather than something that will not happen if he can talk me out of it.

My main confusion is:  bad treatment of me has been constant. He absolutely CAN NOT stand to be with me, so what is the problem, walk away. Stop harassing/tormenting me!  I frequently and asking myself if I am in the twilight zone.

I grew up with a BPD mother so unfortunately I am used to be treated this way.  This is where I am comfortable, struggling every day to prove I am worthy of something good.  The days I don't see or hear from him are really good days. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi FourHens,

I'm sorry to hear that you're still very much in the thick of it.  That's got to be tough.  What arrangements do you have in place regards contact with the kids?  Can this be formalised so that he has limits around his coming and going and you can reduce your contact to what is essential?  Something I came across when I was having difficulty dealing with an ex partner who is the father of my son is BIFF.  This refers to communication which is brief, informative, friendly and firm.  We have a really helpful article on this method HERE.  It made a world of difference to my interactions with my ex, and whether or not this is appropriate right now, I'd suggest you hang onto it for future reference.  Sometimes I have to remind myself of it if I find myself getting drawn in.  It certainly helps with the stress levels!

Getting some clear boundaries in place for yourself of what you will and will not accept from him and what your response will be to behaviours will be helpful.  How are you managing things at present?  I can relate to your feeling of being in the Twilight Zone and have said this many times myself.  Only when I took control of my own actions/reactions to my ex did I feel like I began to come back to the real world.  It's wonderful to hear that you feel better when you receive the time and space that you need from the r/s.  Have you considered talking about what level of communication you will accept?  With children in the picture, NC isn't practical, but perhaps you could request that you touch base once a week or that you use only one method, eg email?  Try to think about what will make your life easier right now.  :)etaching and healing takes time and you have a lot on your plate with kids and a divorce to think about.  So any way you can reduce the triggers for yourself will make a big difference.  

Love and light x