Seeking better control in dealing with my daughter-in-law

[MarinaRae]

Hello friends. This is my first post in this forum, so forgive the length but here's the background and why I'm seeking support and guidance.

I am in a struggle of constant turmoil with the BPD/narcissist in my life. She is my daughter-in-law. She has been married to my youngest son for about 4 years now, but they have been together for nearly 10 years. On the surface she is a beautiful girl, well liked, successful, business owner, a community philanthropist and it seems that everyone just adores her. However, she has made my life hell since very soon after they got together. There is really no one who knows her that I can share my struggles with as they are all too busy adoring her and wouldn't believe that she treats me so badly. I have come to the realization that I am her favorite target. Whenever I'm around her I'm nervous and anxious just waiting for some snide remark or for her to "trip me up" somehow. I'm so careful about what I say, but she often spins it in an unexpected way. I'm constantly off balance with her. In the past 10 years she has managed to ruin many a holiday by her drama and antics. She has also expected me to take responsibility for other family members behaviors and attitudes is they didn't please her. Sadly, due to my nature and caretaker tendencies, I fell into line and sought to maintain harmony in order to keep her happy. That was a long, long painful lesson in futility and also ultimately damaged some of my previously healthy relationships. I'm still working to repair some of that damage.

I am a well-educated and kind person, but have always been easily taken advantage of. I consider myself an empath and also have (self-diagnosed) caretaker personality disorder. I've been the rescuer and fixer in my family and have had many friend relationships with super needy and addictive people. I've always taken on other's pain and problems as my own. Needy people seem to always find me. I was always seeking to help them even when it was apparent they didn't really want my help (just my attention and a dumping ground for their troubles). I have ended most of those unhealthy relationships. I spent over a year in therapy and have made good progress on the caretaker issues, but I cannot seem to get a handle on dealing with my DIL. In setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. My counselor often would try to excuse my DIL's behavior as being immature (like a normal young millenial) but she just didn't really get it. Counselor finally admitted to me that she really doesn't have a lot of experience with how to deal with BPD or narcissists. Really? After a year you tell me this? You could have told me that months earlier and saved me a lot of money!

Since I quit going to therapy I've done a lot of reading online and educating myself on BPD and narcissism. I'm fairly certain my DIL is a narcissist utilizing all the tools at her disposal and she is a master at her craft. Discovering this was a real eye opener, but knowing it doesn't really help in dealing with it. I've pushed back a little bit here and there, but just when I think I have established some healthy boundaries she figures out how to trample all over them, or get my son to do it, and make me feel all the awful associated feelings with going against her desires. My son has bought into her craziness (i.e. Stockholm syndrome) and now seems just an extension of her. The person he used to be is either gone or so deeply buried he may never come back. Sometimes I feel very depressed about a future of dealing with both of them as there seems to be strength in numbers (2 against 1 in this case) with both of them ganging up on me. Her favorite weapons are facebook and texting. On facebook constantly posting about how wonderful their life is with HER family. Pictures of her family with baby. Nothing whatsoever about us. No pictures of us. No comments on my infrequent posts. In fact, I pretty much avoid facebook anymore, but I get grief for that as well. Like I don't care what's happening in their lives. Through texting she has been known to bait me (say something nice or ask me a question), then bash me because of something I said in reply that she took the wrong way or revealed a weakness. This has happened more times than I can count. I've been called deceitful, disgusting, dysfunctional, a poor communicator, insulting, and immoral. If I try to fight back it just escalates so I eventually don't reply and then I'm uncaring and disrespectful of her feelings by ignoring her. Most people who know her would have no idea she can be this mean. Most of her texts also include my son so he is very aware of the things she has said to me. When I have tried to talk to him about it he defends her and says things like "she was very hurt by _______ that you did" as if that completely excuses her bad behavior. I can't win.

This person has managed to create so much havoc in my whole family. She claims she has never known a family that was so dysfunctional when the reality is we were a wonderful, happy tribe until she came along. She has been rude to my mother on many occasions, as well, because my mother once (ONE TIME) defended me to her. She has called my husband "mentally unwell" because he wasn't giving her enough attention at our son's birthday party. My two sons were also best friends. Now they aren't even speaking to each other due to her interference and influence. It just breaks my heart.

If it were only my son and his wife involved I would just go no contact (with great regret but to keep my sanity). However, they now have a child together and that baby is such a beautiful little innocent. I have been allowed in my granddaughter's life as a free babysitter a couple times a week, but always on their terms. I must drive nearly at hour each way to their house. Any suggestion that they bring her to me is met with "if you don't want to, then we'll get someone else to watch her". This recently turned into a big feud where I tried to assert myself and I lost.  So, if I want to see her I have to comply or be left out of her life.

How do people manage this kind of turmoil without going crazy? I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. Nearly every interaction with her results in stress, anxiety and insomnia. I have shed more tears over this woman than in the rest of my entire life (and probably any previous ones). I really can't afford any more therapy so I feel lucky to have stumbled upon this forum.

I do plan on reading some of the other posts and any articles I can find here, but any additional advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

Blessings to all of you and one for me, too!

[Struggles]

Hi Marina,

I am so sorry you are going through this!  It is absolutely exhausting dealing with someone who has BPD.  I know how you are feeling with the stress, anxiety, and insomnia. 

The BPD in my life is my MIL.  It has gotten worse this past year.  Like your DIL, she also loves to use text messages and very hurtful words in her text messages.  Those are not directed to me much, but to her children.  Things I couldn't imagine saying to my worst enemy much less my children.  She has pushed her children, grandchildren, and now her husband away with the things she is saying and doing. 

I have been like you in the past, the caretaker, the peace maker.  Until I knew it got me nowhere.  Her most recent rage fit was against me, blocked me in a public restroom and grabbed my arm, threatened to stalk me, and started spreading horrible rumors about me.  At this point, the peace maker in me went out the window. 

I absolutely hate conflict and arguing, but like your DIL it seems she thrives on it. 

I know this has to be so hard on you, but remember to take care of yourself in the midst of all this madness.  Remember that no matter what she says, you are a wonderful mother, mother in law, and grandmother.  Never let yourself think that you aren't. 

My FIL has been like your son in the past, and I think apart of him let it happen because atleast it wasn't him being raged on at the moment.  It doesn't make it right, but I wonder if that's why stood back and let her do it.  Because he knew he was next.  My FIL now has seen how her behavior has torn the family up, and he says he doesn't know what to do.  His words, he feels like he's lost her and doesn't know how to get her back. 

I will be praying for you and your family.  Praying for peace for you.  Keep posting, this has been an excellent place for me, lots of knowledge and most of all for me, a great place to write down how I feel with people who understand because they are going through the same or similar.   

[Pilpel]

MarinaRae,

I am so sorry about what you are going through.  My family is in a similar boat dealing with my brother's wife.  My brother married a woman who is also narcissistic.  I could identify with a lot of what you wrote about.  I also feel stressed when interacting with her, and then get insomnia at night. 

For over 10 years we turned the other cheek and were silently forgiving --we treated her like she was mentally ill and couldn't help it.  And we also knew that if we spoke up for ourselves, conflicts with her would become more convoluted and confusing.  Now we have kids and our kids are getting older, and my husband and I are starting to look at the situation in a different way.  Earlier this year her son played rough with my son and ended up hurting him.  My son didn't want to have anything to do with him for months afterwards.  And I realized that I can't force my son to forgive and continue like nothing happened with someone who is physically aggressive and doesn't play nice. I have to show respect for my son's personal boundaries by allowing him the right to keep his distance, and it is right for my nephew to experience consequences for his actions.  This is how things should be.  But this is not how us adults have been with my SIL.  That was kind of a turning point for me.  We had a bit of drama over the summer, and my kids are now old enough that they could understand what was going on.  I've done things that my SIL has asked me to do over the years, sometimes even when it wasn't very convenient for us.  I hoped that in doing things for her she would see that I mean her well and that I'm not the awful person she treats me like I am.  But recently I did something for her and made a mistake, and she was not very understanding and forgiving of my mistake.  She only viewed the situation through her own disappointment.  She has no concept of the effort I have put into our relationship, she doesn't see the grace that we have extended to her over and over.  And I just got to the point of telling her that she needs to ask other people to do certain favors for her, because I was not going to do those things for her any more.  It's too stressful.  I don't enjoy it. And other favors we would do, but in a more limited capacity, in a way that was easier and more comfortable for my own family.

Childcare has also been a big issue with my SIL. She has heavily relied on my elderly parents or on me to fulfill childcare needs when she wants a weekend away.  And  then when issues between the kids have come up or when we've set limits to what we'll do for them regarding their kids, she'll just happen to bring up our ranking on their guardianship list.  And I think it's because she assumes we should care how we rank on her list. (eye roll)

Reading over your description, you describe your DIL as being popular and successful.  Do you think that she acts in a relatively normal way to everyone else, and treats you worse than other people, like a scapegoat?  I  have a feeling that your DIL doesn't have the healthy normal relationships with other people as much as she wants you to believe.  My experience with my SIL is that early on she treated me like I was the only person she has trouble with.  Other people understand and validate her.  It put a seed of self doubt in me.  And when I talked to other family members they thought I was exaggerating.  But eventually, even those who thought i was exaggerating have butt heads with her and they've been very shaken up by the experience.  I don't know that she's purposely deceptive.  I think she has her own image and story about how reality is, and her reality just doesn't really match up with actual reality. 

I recently read a pretty good book that I can recommend: "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans.  It discusses mostly controlling behavior in a marriage relationships, but I found a lot true with the npd/BPD.  They connect to people in a backwards way.  They try to control the story of who you are, and they're trying to connect with this fantasy idea of who you are, not the real you.  And when you don't act the way the fantasy idea of you they're trying to connect to should act, they get hostile. 

Also, I recently found some good podcasts:  "Hello Freedom" has several good episodes about dealing with and setting boundaries with a narcissist.  Another really good one is "Understanding Today's Narcissist" -- I thought these episodes were really good:  episode 6 "Can a narcissist be remorseful?" and episode 2 "Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse"

[ijustwantpeace]

You don't owe your son dil anything.  You were put on this earth to be the very best version of yourself nothing more, nothing less.  It is not your job to carry others sadness around. 

Maybe start with adding people who add value to your life and not thise who tesr you down.

[MarinaRae]

Thank you @Pilpel, @Struggles and @ijustwantpeace for your thoughtful and insightful replies. So many of the things you said are also true for my DIL. Such as "she only views the situation through her own disappointment" and she "thrives on conflict and arguing".  I KNOW these things are true, but when you are in the moment it is very hard not to take it personally. If something has set her off, it seems that the more calm I remain the more she is determined to get a reaction out of me. I've tried the "gray rock" method of just calm and pleasant interaction saying as little as possible, not engaging in anything of substance or taking her "bait". After several weeks of what I thought was pleasant and civil interaction I was accused of being superficial and told they only want relationships with honest and genuine people and why was I acting that way? I am lucky that she has never gotten physical with me and I doubt she has with my son either. Her manipulation is much more covert. With my son it's a whole lot of love-bombing - telling him what an awesome father he is and praising him on facebook, but then making subtle judgmental comments about him both to his face and behind his back. At her last birthday party she told a whole group of people that her parents never wanted her to marry him because they wanted a more successful match, but of course she married for love. She said this right in front of me. I just walked out of the room. I've also watched him at his house. (Their home is perfectly decorated and rarely a thing out of place.) He is constantly picking up and cleaning things trying to keep it all very perfect. I once left a coffee cup on the counter when I was babysitting and when he got home he immediately washed and dried it and put it away then straightened all the couch pillows. This is not the son who grew up at MY house! LOL

Pilpel - you asked me if I thought she that she acts in a relatively normal way to everyone else, and treats me worse than other people, like a scapegoat. I do think this is true because I have stood up to her when most everyone else just does her bidding. She has a whole family of flying monkeys rushing around to do her bidding. I wouldn't call the relationships normal or healthy, but on the surface it all is just so wonderful. There is also the fact that her parents are quite wealthy and take them on vacations and buy them expensive gifts. We cannot even compete and we don't even try (any more). They have taken them on cruises and to Disneyland and paid for everything. Bought the new baby the entire nursery and new outfits every time I go over there. Despite what she said about her parents not wanting her to marry my son they have embraced him and treat him well and now include him in the overindulgence. I buy him a $50 Lowe's gift card for his birthday, they buy him a $1200 BBQ. Frankly, it's like they've bought his love and affection and he seems more obligated to them now than ever. In fact, I suspect her folks bought them the house they're living in but I have never asked. It seems to be a lot more house than I think they can afford based on their jobs. I hope this doesn't sound like jealousy because it's not. I wouldn't buy my son a house IF I could afford it. I want my children to be successful in their own right.

As far as relationships with other people she seems to have many friends but not many close ones. She owns her own hair salon and has bragged so much about having hundreds of clients just waiting in line to get in to see her. It's the perfect job for a narcissist - a constant stream of people happy to see you, praising you and telling you how wonderful you are. She has a way of making people feel important while they're in her chair and listen to their problems, but it's all very superficial. Like single-serving friends. While she doesn't seem to have many close friends, she does have lots of acquaintances who all seem to adore her. When she had her babyshower open-house it had to be stretched over 4 hours because so many people came. Most of them were her clients. She got enough gifts for 10 babies (and I'm not exaggerating)! I was relegated to carrying the gifts out to the garage after she opened them and half the garage was full. It was actually so excessive as to be embarrassing. I know for a fact that the baby didn't ever wear a fraction of all the new clothes.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm her special target, but I do get it. I'm the only other woman in my son's life that he loves. She sees that as competition, which is completely stupid. While I was running around trying to keep her happy (in the early years) and doing her bidding and lavishing her with praise like everyone else, well then I was in the inner circle. I was one of the flying monkeys, too. When I decided I'd had enough and to push back a little and call it like I saw it, well then I'm no longer IN and even though I'm included in certain events it's not the same. She treats me with a measure of disdain - like she's just wanting me to know she's only tolerating me for my son and my granddaughter's sake. Another thing she does is the back and forth between love-bombing me and criticizing or even subtlety threatening me. Telling me how important it is to build relationships with family, how great it is that I'm retired and have lots of time to spend with the baby, blah blah blah. But then always making sure to let me know they have plenty of other people just waiting in the wings. It's emotional blackmail to be sure because I think there's really a very short list of people available to babysit for free.

Anyway, sorry to run on about this all. It's just nice to have a place to "spill my guts" so to speak. There is no one in HER life that I can talk to about this. They are all in her orbit from her wealthy parents on down. My family is either estranged from them or also on the barely tolerated list, so talking to them is like preaching to the choir. I'm sure my mom and my husband are sick and tired of hearing it all. Same BS, new day. I do have a couple friends who have had abusive relationships. One of my friends grew up with an NPD mother and then married a one, as well. She has no contact with her mother and limited contact with the ex except as it relates to their mutual children. She's a fount of good advice based on the tragedy of her life. I guess I'm somewhat lucky that my early life had mostly healthy relationships. I think that's why this one is so difficult. I have no point of reference or experience in dealing with this kind of crazy. At least I understand now that it's HER crazy and not MINE!  

[Pilpel]

I've also watched him at his house. (Their home is perfectly decorated and rarely a thing out of place.) He is constantly picking up and cleaning things trying to keep it all very perfect. I once left a coffee cup on the counter when I was babysitting and when he got home he immediately washed and dried it and put it away then straightened all the couch pillows. This is not the son who grew up at MY house! LOL

MartinaRae, I have the same observation with my brother. My SIL's mother, who has also had a very difficult time with her (even to the point where they considered disowning her), thinks she has some OCD tendencies.  Everything has to be in it's place, and she has my brother pretty well trained. I once borrowed a plastic food container from her. And a day or two later, my brother called me and then my parents asking when I'm going to return it.  Seriously, this was a day or two later.  If it were a month or two I could understand asking about it.  I know my brother doesn't care about things like that, but he will care to make his wife happy.   My brother used to take on a more active flying monkey role, to help keep people in line for her, but I think he's back off from that.  When she's written emails trying to convince me of how awful I am, she has spoken about my brother like her night in shining armor and their love as if it was something written in the stars.  But for the most part, I have seen her treat my brother like an incompetent servant.  She has even called my parents to complain about my brother because he didn't change a battery in a toy as soon as she wanted it done.  I never saw her change a diaper until she was on her 3rd or 4th baby.   

She's very formal about things.  Everything has to be a certain way.  But I've also noticed that when we're at her house it's a very different experience than when she's at my house or my mom's house.  When she's in control of hosting a dinner, things go pretty well.  She serves dinner when she likes, she serves what she likes, and no one complains.  When she's at our house or my parent's house, she fusses about the temperature of the food, gets upset that the food isn't ready when she thinks it should be ready, she even once threw a fit because my mom decided not to cook potatoes, and she has frequently gotten upset at my mom because she didn't have food to serve them when they came over after giving them just a couple hours notice. They have a good sized family now.  When she and her whole family come over, the stress level goes up X 10.  And her kids are usually more wound up and aggressive when she's around.  When my brother brings the kids, and she stays home, there are still a lot of people, but there is absolutely no stress and her kids are more calm and happy. 

Your situation is interesting since your DIL never wanted for money or status.  Your DIL sounds difficult but a little more functional than my SIL.  My SIL did not have money or status.  But she had a lot of princess fantasies.  She gets very fixated on feelings that people judge her or look down on her because of her poor background.  She's better about this than when they first got married.  But I can tell that these issues still come up for her in cycles.  Even though she and my brother are well off, I think for a narcissist those status insecurities don't go away. 

I hope this doesn't sound like jealousy because it's not.

I wanted to say that I totally get this, too.  I don't typically get worked up about things.  I don't typically think about who gave more or who took more in a relationship.  I typically enjoy being able to give and to be helpful.  But my SIL is a taker.  She expects people to give and to do for her.  And it takes the joy out of giving.  And then I find myself having nit-picky negative thoughts over stupid little things.  And then I think "ugh, that's such an ugly way of thinking.  I'm not like that!"

Anyhow, I wish you the best in figuring out how to manage this relationship.  It's so difficult with grandchild involved.  But from what you've written, it sounds like your'e not afraid of saying your truth to her.  You're not walking on eggshells.  So that's a positive thing. 

BTW, I recently heard a lecture that referenced the story of Jacob and Esau in the Bible.  I looked up the story and read it again after so many years, and I saw something in it that I never noticed before.  I always thought that the mother Rebecca convinced Jacob to manipulate the father into giving him his blessing because she favored him and knew he was supposed to get the blessing.  But now when I read the story, I see that the main motivation for that story comes from the fact that Esau married a couple of women that made Rebecca's life miserable.  Now I have some appreciation for what it means for a DIL to make a mother's life miserable. 

[MarinaRae]

My brother used to take on a more active flying monkey role, to help keep people in line for her, but I think he's back off from that.  When she's written emails trying to convince me of how awful I am, she has spoken about my brother like her night in shining armor and their love as if it was something written in the stars.  But for the most part, I have seen her treat my brother like an incompetent servant. 

This exactly! My DIL does the same thing with my son when talking about their relationship. The written in the stars line is priceless! But really he runs around like her little lackey.

I was the one in our family to keep people in line for her. It eventually blew up in my face and I have backed off from it. I see my son stepping into that role now and it's not working much better for him.

My DIL is the consummate hostess. She loves to do parties and have everything so beautiful. The last few she's done she's had a maid come in to clean her house and also had the food catered. I have no idea how they can afford that. On the flip side, when she's come to my house it's home cooking and buffet style and I always feel like she's judging my home and my decorating skills (or lack thereof). Maybe that's just my insecurities, but having them come over always makes me uncomfortable and I'm a nervous wreck for days in advance.

The part about her never wanting for things is interesting. I've known her mom for many years and she used to be really poor. A struggling single mom with 3 kids, but then she met the man with the money and everything changed. My DIL was pretty young at the time so probably doesn't remember the lean times. As soon as her mom had money the kids were really indulged. I've been to parties and events with her family and they throw out perfectly good food and never save leftovers. I'm a super frugal person and I recycle and re-use everything possible. It's really hard for me to watch that wastefulness.

But from what you've written, it sounds like your'e not afraid of saying your truth to her.  You're not walking on eggshells.  So that's a positive thing. 

I wish this were really true. I have mustered the courage to say my truth to her and stand up to her at times, but it's super difficult and taken a great deal of working up to do it (or a few times when she's triggered me and I've gone off). It's not my forte. I'm still walking on eggshells. Trying to find the courage and the skills to move beyond that!