How do you deal?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wondering how you deal with everything being your fault, anytime something goes wrong?
Example: my uBPDh blames me all the time. Recently he has to work and is missing the last baseball game of s6 season. So it’s my fault bc this is the life that I wanted to live, in the state I wanted to live in. Therefore, missing the game is my fault. And he’s going to divorce me now bc he can’t keep living this life. Any suggestions how I can respond to this in a positive way?

[5xFive]

Just wondering how you deal with everything being your fault, anytime something goes wrong?
Example: my uBPDh blames me all the time. Recently he has to work and is missing the last baseball game of s6 season. So it’s my fault bc this is the life that I wanted to live, in the state I wanted to live in. Therefore, missing the game is my fault. And he’s going to divorce me now bc he can’t keep living this life. Any suggestions how I can respond to this in a positive way?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Thre is no need to respond a lot of the time.  We want to respond in a magic, validating way to ultimately make them stop whatever they are doing that annoys or hurts us.  W want to "talk it out" and find a common understanding of cause and effect, the choices we've all made, and get some empathy from them.  This is NOT impossible, but it is not easy and can take years to reach, and even then, you wills till face cranky-BPD dysregulated days/weeks/months, because it is as much a part of their internal wiring as something like being left-handed.

Since we can't control others, and can only control ourselves, I have worked on how much I allow the irrational taunts to bother me.  Most days, I pretty much ignore them or at least compartmentalize them away from myself, so they don't hurt me.  When I am sick or tired or facing my own stressors, this can be hard, and it is not always possible.

Your H has BPD - he is emotionally disabled.  LOoking at it like a disability, knowing that there are tools out there you can use to keep YOU happier and healthier, all can assist in mitigating the hurt you feel.

They tend to speak in hyperbole - emotions and feelings = facts, and the feelings of today are the feelings of forever (they can't perceive they could feel different in 20 minutes, or a day).

He is upset.  He did not want to miss the game.  He cannot adult and needs to blame this on someone other than himself - so he blames you.  As the spouse, you are the easiest and "safest" target for this kind of blame.  He can't currently process anger, disappointment internally.  My H has even told me he has to yell at a person when upset, no matter what is making him upset.  I get yelled at for it raining at times.

Knowing a little about how your H is processing things can help you respond better.  I am pretty sure your decisions as couple to live in your current location had little to do with the availability of baseball games.  I also can't see how living in another state would 100% guarantee he'd not be working and still miss the game.  Therefore, he is just ebing poopy pants, and needs to make YOU feel how upest he is, by making you upset.  He can't feel upset alone.  YOU HAVE TO SHARE it for him to feel validated. 

You can make rather bland statements about how much you know he's upset about missing the game without accepting blame for the situation.  When possible, I tend to not respond at all, or very minimally once I can tell the "I am being totally irrational no" switch has flipped.  I try to avoid JADEing, or thigns that would remind him HE was involved in our life choices and I never twisted his arm about where we live, work, or how. 

Basically - he is not wanting to divorce you over a game - he ma be feeling other BPD-type upsets that he is trying to blame on you.  He says this to hurt you to make you feel his pain.  He can't accept responsibility for his own emotions and is blaming them on you.  Just because he is blaming you doe snot mean you accept the blame.  Distance yourself as you can, validate the FEELING but don't accept blame, if you can.  And wait for it to pass.

[5xFive]

Thank you isilme for the fast response. I know this in my heart but I’m horrible at putting it into action. He doesn’t want me to text him but he will blow up my phone with texts. When I call, he just yells at me about all the things that are wrong with me and when I don’t reply, he gets mad that I’m being silent and hangs up on me and then starts the texting again. And whenever something happens (like the game) it gets morphed into bigger and badder and I’m STILL the one to blame. Actually me and my mom. Always me and my mom. It’s hard not to defend her when she doesn’t know what he thinks about her and she can’t defend herself. But when I defend her, I’m painted even more black. So I try not to say anything. But it’s really hard that the ONE person who is the most support to me is the one person my husband can not stand. Sometimes when he threatens divorce, I think: oh well. My life would be so much harder in some ways and SO much easier in others. But then the panic sets in and then I lose all of my tools and skills and the argument escalated. It’s as if I think the harder I fight, the better chance I will have for him to not leave. We’ve been together for 17years and he’s never left yet. BUT he’s been threatening it a lot more over the last year. Every time he dysregulates. And I don’t know how to handle it.
Thanks again for your response.

[isilme]

Monucka,

Yes, it is terrible being the biggest support and getting all the blame.   Been there for sure, and have even pointe dit out when I've gotten mad enough to yell back. 

Is there anything else going on that could be increasing his levels of stress?  Is his job treating him well?  Boss?  Does he perceive that work is going badly?  Is he regretting leaving a job to be in this one?

Also, is he seeing you mom as competition for attention, or maybe someone who you talk about him to?  BPD likes to isolate you from people who may encourage you to leave. 

[5xFive]

I’m not sure. When he’s in a good space, he says how thankful he is for his job. That it is an amazing company to work for and he’s so lucky. I was fired last month for my job. Part of it was my attitude, passive aggressive behavior that I didn’t realize I was exhibiting. Part of it was the distractions I face from my home life. And the fact that my distractions (husband calling or texting for hours at a time) were distracting my co-workers. So I’m home with the kids, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, on unemployment, trying to maybe start a business and he just told me that he put in his letter of resignation and he’s leaving me this weekend. I don’t know if that’s true. He was complaining that I lie to him -make promises and don’t keep them, but he lies a LOT about things. I point blank asked him if he quit and he said he did, but now he’s at the company thanksgiving lunch. So did he quit? Another thing he complains about is that I never support him when he needs me. But how does someone support their spouse quitting a great job, and currently the only job that’s paying the bills? I’m so lost... .

[virtualfriday]

My reply... .

"So it sounds like your pretty upset about missing that game, correct? is there anything else bothering you right now?"

"That game does sound like it was pretty important for you to see. I know you have followed them for along time and I can definitely understand what a let down it is missing at this particular time."

"I hate it myself when that kind of stuff happens to me so I know how much that has to be bothering you right now."


You probably could not care less about the "stupid" game but you care deeply for your partner. You can easily show your partner you are able to see things from their point of view in a loving way. You can do it without agreeing yourself or accepting blame.

[Radcliff]

Monucka, I am so sorry you are having such a miserable time.  And so sorry to hear that you lost your job.  It sounds like you are aware of some things you could have been doing better, but having that weight of drama at home dragging you down is miserable and not fair.  Been there.  It would be so much nicer if we could figure out our work stuff without complications!  It's been a while since you've posted on this thread.  How are things now?  Are there any silver linings like more time with your kids?

WW

[5xFive]

Hey WW. Thanks for the check-in. The time home has been nice. It’s hard bc I’m pretty much always feeling panic but I can’t express it to my h. Of course the days he paints me black are so much worse since I have nowhere to go. I love spending time with our D1. It’s been amazing! I was struggling a little today. He stayed home with S6 for the first 2 years and didn’t work. When I got home from work, he’d pass him off saying that he was home with him all day and it was my turn. Now, I’m home, trying to start a business, trying to find work I can do at home, along with everything that goes along with making a home for the kids (dishes, laundry, groceries etc. etc.) and when he gets home he still doesn’t help. He sits on the couch and smokes weed and plays his video games. When I ask him to watch the baby, it’s a problem! I had to use the bathroom earlier today so I asked him to watch the baby (I so rarely get to go alone these days). While I was in there, my teeth were bothering me, so I started to floss them. I knew it would only take me about 2 mins and I would feel so much better. I was maybe halfway through my upper arch and he yelled from the living room that it shouldn’t take me this long to pee, what am I doing, am I coming to get the baby? It’s incredibly frustrating and even more so that I don’t feel like I can EXPRESS my frustration. At least not without an argument. And it breaks my heart to see him not interacting with the kids but just sitting there aggravated waiting for me to come take them off his hands. Idk. It’s a struggle. I’m having a rough time lately. I don’t feel like I can talk about how I’m feeling with anyone. H either argues or gets depressed, my mom and friends don’t understand why I stay, and my T who I love is way too expensive for me to afford (besides the fact that I have no care for the baby for a session). I can’t go out bc she’s a biologically normal sleeper (that’s to say HORRIBLE) and H can’t stay with her alone. He refuses to even try! So I bottle it all up. And for whatever reason, all of my panic and rage and fear and anxiety all want to come out on days that H is starting to dysregulate. Which makes it all so SO much worse. So thanks for checking in. I needed a listening ear today.    

[5xFive]

Also WW, I tried to PM you but your inbox is full.