On being treated differently

[AskingWhy]

It is my understanding that pwNPD put their children over their spouses in importance in their lives.  The spouse plays second fiddle to the children.

This seems to be my case.  My uBPD/uNPD H does this almost all of the time.  His children are given a free pass for most misdeeds:  illicit drugs, alcohol, unplanned pregnancy (as teens), numerous car accidents, misdemeanor law infractions and arrest (petty theft), getting fired from jobs (for having affairs with the boss), you-name-it.  Meanwhile, they raged at him, demanded expensive gifts and money, blackmailed him on visitation ("I am never coming back to see you again!", blackmailed him on the gifts and essentially tried to get their father to divorce me.  One of his children threatened me with physical violence while H stood by ignoring the threat.  He was clearly powerless and at a loss at what to do. 

On the other hand, H rages at me for the smallest things:  meal not ready on time (by 30 minutes), house keeping not spotless (I have a medical disability and can't move about easily), laundry not done on his schedule, just about any situation in which H wants to project onto me.  He often makes divorce threats to me if he is unhappy, usually after a trigger such as a bad day at work, meal not ready on time, etc.

H first marriage to his high school sweetheart ended in divorce after 10 years when his x W (uBPD) had an affair with a married man.  The two lovers divorced their respective spouses and married each other.  x W took custody of the children in an uncontested divorce after she threatened H with not ever seeing the children.

I believe H has been projecting his anger at his x W's infidelity as well as his anger at being raised by his uNPD father.  H has been divorced from his x W for almost 30 years and still the emotional issues are unresolved. 

H is very high functioning and has a job with a great deal of responsibility.  He always shows his best face to his friends and coworkers.  He's the kind of man who would get out of bed at 2:00 a.m. to help an elderly neighbor with malfunctioning lawn sprinklers, and spend a day for a friend erecting a wooden fence.  I am the only person who sees the Janus-faced aspect of his uNPD/uBPD.  He usually also dysregulates when I am of no "use" to him.

I have lately disengaged when H dysregulates, and apply SET.  This seems to defuse the rages.  His children are also all adults in romantic relationships, and H seems to have gained a small amount of empathy in be exposed to their challenges and heartaches of relationships. 

Has anyone else had issues where their partner/spouse puts their own children over their partner?

H pays his children's parking tickets and court fees, buys them new cars, etc.  Their gifts (even on our special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays) vastly eclipse the amount of money he spends on mine.  It's getting very tedious.

[Dragon72]

Yes.

Since our son was born, he has been my uPBDw's priority in life and I have been relegated to the role of personal assistant and ATM. 

She also prioritizes the needs of her family of origin over me too.  On our wedding night we had her out-of-town family staying at our house, and I had to sleep in a room full of her cousins and uncles while she was with her female rellies.  The day after our wedding, I was made to take some of her family sightseeing while she spent the day with her mother at home.

I've been way down the totum pole since well before "I do".

[formflier]

I hope you can see from the patterns that "this is what he does" and "it's not about you".  In other words, don't take it personally.

That being said, it's still happening, it's still tedious for you and we need to help you find a way to change the dynamic in your relationship to something that fits your needs better.

The raging sounds very hard.  Can you give a recent example with some "he said... .she said" and perhaps we can help find some places to apply a better way.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Though my husband doesn't have children, I see this discrepancy show up in his behavior in what I now take to be amusing ways. I didn't always feel that way, however, and like FF says, it helps not to take it personally.

My husband inherited a lot of money a few years ago, but he still behaves like he's on a tight budget--with exceptions for himself, like buying lots of expensive watches and other toys.

How this behavior shows up on a regular basis: he buys very expensive white wine for himself, often drinking one and a half to two bottles a night. When I drink wine, I usually drink red. So he will buy me a very modestly priced bottle of wine, which usually lasts me a week or so. At first, I was rather insulted, but now I just think, "Whatever... ." At least he thinks of me.

He can be very generous with Christmas and birthday gifts and because I don't have the same kind of financial means to gift him with something expensive, he always buys himself something very pricey.

Regarding your husband's children, my BPD mother had an attitude that only blood family was "family" to the exclusion of my father. She had different rules for husbands and wives of her siblings and never considered them part of the "family".

Perhaps your husband is still operating on some idea that fathers have to look out financially for their children, even when they're grown.

[formflier]

My wife's family does the same thing... .bio kids are waaaay up there... .the spouses and others are waaay down there.

Oddly enough, my family upbringing is kinda backwards to that, they will go out of the way to welcome inlaws, make sure they are comfortable first... etc etc.  The bio family is used to doing what is needed to get things done... .sort of a farming mentality.

FF 

[AskingWhy]

I hope you can see from the patterns that "this is what he does" and "it's not about you".  In other words, don't take it personally.

That being said, it's still happening, it's still tedious for you and we need to help you find a way to change the dynamic in your relationship to something that fits your needs better.

The raging sounds very hard.  Can you give a recent example with some "he said... .she said" and perhaps we can help find some places to apply a better way.

FF

Dragon, FF and Cat:  I do see H's actions as "not about me," but it's painful all the same.  

H spent more money on the gift for his D 21st birthday than for my 50th.  He really went overboard with the gift of D.

For a landmark wedding anniversary he gave me a trinket piece of jewellery but threw an insane amount of money into the wedding of D.  Believe me, H is a professional with more than enough money to spend on a nice piece of jewellery.  It was a slap in the face and I let him know it.

He became angry and defensive and admitted he was putting the wedding before my anniversary gift because I "did not deserve anything nice."  He also said he pays the morgage, cars, etc. so he factors (without telling me, of course) these into any gift he gives me.  Imagine, in his mind, the patio furniture he bought was part of my anniversary gift.  He was splitting about the time we were observing this wedding anniversary.  H buys himself very nice things: new cars, watches, suits, etc.  It is very hard to take being second place as his wife.  Again, I know pwPDs put their children ahead of their spouses, and I know it's all about H and not me, but it still hurts to watch as others get to benefit from his largesse while you get comparatively little.  I let him know how disappointed I was, so now I have to watch and see what he does.

[formflier]

   I let him know how disappointed I was, so now I have to watch and see what he does.

I suspect on of the things that will move you to a better place is in this dynamic.  He "low balls you", you express disappointment, somehow in that he "get's something" he needs in a dysfunctional way.

I'm not suggesting it is inappropriate to express disappointment... .I am suggesting that you need to be very careful how you express that disappointment.  There are tools on here and we can help you craft those messages.

I realize it hurts to be devalued, doing your own personal work so that being devalued hurts less is critical to the future of this relationship.  I realize that doesn't feel fair... .it's not.  Being in a r/s with a pwBPD traits is not going to be "fair".

Once devaluing you stops "working", it is likely that a new "tactic" will be used.  Once you see your hubby "looking" for a new tactic, that is your chance to "nudge" things in a better direction.

FF