Undiagnosed exBPD suddenly white-painted her old BFF?

[limetaste]

So, long story short. 1,5 year relationsship, lived together. Suddenly I got black-painted and devalued in a matter of like 10 minutes. exBPD breaks up, moves out in the morning. Tried talking with her shortly afterwards but only to put fuel on the fire. Her answers were extremly cold och very angry, blaming me for everything. She quickly went into NC and blocked me everywhere. It's been around 7 weeks now since we split. I'm "ghosted" and she has me black-painted.

Before I met her she had a best girlfriend, she also lived with her a short period of time. That friend borrowed money from my exBPD for the rent, that she never gave back. She also stole my exBPD's stuff and didn't return them after my exBPD moved out of there. She black-painted her friend, which I can totally understand. She hated this friend and when we first started dating we talked a lot about how she was and I almost helped my exBPD to report her to the police, since she never got her money back.

Last night I was cyber-stalking my exBPD on a social media and I got shocked to see that my exBPD just recently started to "follow" her old friend. She used to have her blocked everywhere, she hated her.

Could this be a factor that she black-painted me, and now white-paints old "enemies"? Is it common that BPD's suddenly white-paints old people from their lifes just because they black-painted a person that was very close to them? And fun thing is, this old friend acctually deserved being black-painted for stealing her money and being a real jerk towards my exBPD.

[writeaway]

Hi limetaste,

I am not an expert, and still learning about BPD tendencies and traits, but I can say that I observed my ex yo-yoing between former acquaintances and friends who for one reason or another had fallen out of her good graces. Some had done nasty stuff to her in the past, others she'd pushed away because of some perceived and exaggerated slight. There was often no rhyme or reason for the timing that I could see, but pwBPD seem to thrive on drama. Also, given your recent break-up, she was likely feeling scared and lonely and vulnerable (pwBPD can't stand to be alone), and may have reached out to the first person she thought of, someone she thought might be sympathetic or fill some need of hers regardless of what this person might have done to her in the past. When they white-paint, they see none of the flaws. When they black-paint, flaws are all they see.

I know it's hard, but for your own well-being I would suggest that you try to resist the urge to follow your ex's social media, and stop keeping tabs on her. Otherwise you'll end up getting sucked back into the drama, and you'll be the one who ends up getting hurt. My ex and I have a child together, so walking away completely isn't an option for us. But it sounds like it could be for you.

[limetaste]

Hi limetaste,

I am not an expert, and still learning about BPD tendencies and traits, but I can say that I observed my ex yo-yoing between former acquaintances and friends who for one reason or another had fallen out of her good graces. Some had done nasty stuff to her in the past, others she'd pushed away because of some perceived and exaggerated slight. There was often no rhyme or reason for the timing that I could see, but pwBPD seem to thrive on drama. Also, given your recent break-up, she was likely feeling scared and lonely and vulnerable (pwBPD can't stand to be alone), and may have reached out to the first person she thought of, someone she thought might be sympathetic or fill some need of hers regardless of what this person might have done to her in the past. When they white-paint, they see none of the flaws. When they black-paint, flaws are all they see.

I know it's hard, but for your own well-being I would suggest that you try to resist the urge to follow your ex's social media, and stop keeping tabs on her. Otherwise you'll end up getting sucked back into the drama, and you'll be the one who ends up getting hurt. My ex and I have a child together, so walking away completely isn't an option for us. But it sounds like it could be for you.

Thank you for your answer. You are right, it's destructive to keep tabs on her, but it's a way for me to find a closure. I know getting back with her can never be a reality, even if she contact me. The same cycle will repeat itself until she gets help. By checking her social medias from time to time I'm seeing more and more signs that she's a BPD. In some way this helps me moving on, understanding more and more how she works and why she ghosted me etc.

I also have a child with another BPD from a "former life" many years ago. One could think I should've seen the warning signs in this new relationship, but I guess all BPD's are different in many ways.