My Mother: Should we be casual friends?

[alphabeta]

My concern relates to my mother, whom I think exhibits BPD behaviors.

Specifically, this past weekend, I told her that she shouldn't threaten my seven-year old child that he "will never see her again" if he teases her.  I acknowledged that it wasn't very pleasant, and that my wife and I could talk to him, change the way we discipline him, and, perhaps, even see a child psychologist to make things better.  However, she just told me that it was all our fault, screamed at me, and threw things at me.  When I told her that we should probably put this discussion on hold, she told me that if I left her house, I would never see her again.

I felt scared of my mother's behavior, and am currently wary of seeing her.  She is aware of my fear and is sorry I feel that way.  However, she said that she will not apologize for her reaction.

Yesterday, two days after this incident, she told me that she wanted me to come over to join in a pot-luck dinner with her and her friends.  She said that we can just act like "friends" and have a good time.  Furthermore, she assured me that we won't discuss any problems.

Right now I feel confused. 

On one hand I know that my mother has been very anxious lately (about her relationship between me and my wife), and it could be construed as a "step forward" if I go to her house and share a pleasant moment.

On the other hand, I still feel uncomfortable talking to my mother and am contemplating going with her to a counselor so that we can better understand and respect one another.  Furthermore, I don't like that my mother did not say that she will stop emotionally blackmailing him -- she did apologize to him yet she doesn't see this as an action she should correct -- and she hates my wife -- even going so far to say that she is a sociopath and that by being with her, I act if I were best friends with Hitler.

If she were an ordinary "friend" I would not want to see this person, and am leaning to not going to her party.  Am I doing something wrong?

[Turkish]

If she threw things at you,  then she committed an act of domestic violence, a crime.  If she did it in front of your child,  then that might be another crime.  Sit with that for a minute.

You are right as rain not to expose your child to that further.  I experienced it as a kid with my mom,  but of she had done that in my home,  whether or not my kids were on the room,  I wouldn't feel safe with her,  except perhaps at large public gatherings. 

I'm saying what I would feel.  How do you feel,  do you feel safe?

T

[HappyChappy]

Hi Alphabeta,

Sorry your are having to deal with this, it sounds tough. Someone with BPD competes and get jealous, which is why your BPD mom is probably trying to paint you as a bad parent, that way you are on the defence and can’t accuse her of that. Also its standard for them to hate anyone that take your attention away from her, your BPD mother, hence why she was always going to hate your wife.

Mine did exactly the same, only she would tell whichever sibling she spoke to that the other siblings were good parents and visa versa, just for added friction. Someone with BPD tends not to accept any criticism and as such is unlikely to go to a councillor unless you accept the problem is all yours and they are there just to gather information to use against you. My BPD did things that these days you would lose your kids for, so she went to the Drs (my Dad insisted) and said it was post natal depression ( 2 years after have her last kid). We gave up.

If you do not want to go to your mothers events, don’t go. You are not obliged to attend the court of someone that does not show you or your family respect. You need to protect your own mental health, why be miserable. I went No Contact (NC) for over 3 years, with my BPD & NPD as they knocked about my young son (as they did me). On return she was demanding an apology from every member of my family, just kept repeating she has done nothing wrong, nothing. Lol. A BPD does not tend to change, especially when they get past middle age. So if she truly is BPD, you have little choice but to do what is right for you, and only you know what that is. But No Contact, Low Contact or learning to deal with difficult behaviour are all valid approached. Best of luck, feel free to share other tricky issues. 

[Panda39]

Hi Alphabeta,

If she were an ordinary "friend" I would not want to see this person... .

I think you answered your own question. 

Your mom is using a lot of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional Blackmail to get you to do what she wants. You have your own family and in my opinion they should be your first priority particularly your son... .nice job calling your mom on her behavior.    If this were me I would start thinking about what is good for me and my family.  Your mom is an adult you are not responsible for her behaviors, her feelings, or her responsiblities etc.  You are responsible for you and your son because he is a child.

Why do you think she is inviting you to this party?  Why does she want you to fake closeness/friendliness?  Is it because she wants to see you and will spend quality time with you?  Is it a way to test your loyalty?  Is it to show off her "happy" family to her friends?  You know your mom best what do you think is behind this invitation? 

Are you being your authentic self if you go and pretend to be someone else (her friend)?  Is it healthy to be fake?  Taking away the FOG what is best for you? It is okay to put yourself and your needs before someone else... .it is not selfish, it is self love.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Do what is right for you 

Take Care,
Panda39

[Pilpel]

You've been her son for a while.  You say that going to the potluck could be a step forward -- a step forward in re-defining your relationship?  A step forward in developing a better relationship?  Have you had experiences in the past that you felt were positive steps forward with your mom?

I think if you want to go to the potluck because you it's something you believe you'll enjoy and you can look forward to, then you should go.  If it's something that you dread or have any misgivings about, then don't go.  And don't feel a need to give any excuse or explain yourself.  It's not her business why you don't go.  If you don't go, it isn't going to make a huge difference (if any difference at all) in your relationship with your mom.   

[alphabeta]

Dear Pilpel, Turkish, HappyChappy, and Panda39,

I appreciate your responses and have received unexpected feedback (which my wife expected) from my mother.

First, I told my mother that I wanted to talk to her formally so that we can understand where we're coming from, identify rules of conversation, and to identify what's good in our relationship.

Before talking about her potluck, she told me that she was angry at me.  She also said that she didn't trust me and feared me -- which, ironically, I had told her after her outburst.  She even mentioned that the "tables have turned."

Anyhow, I then told her that it didn't make sense that I attend her potluck, to which she said "good."

The only glimmer of good news is that she said she might talk to a third party to see if she's making a mistake... .

[Panda39]

Before talking about her potluck, she told me that she was angry at me.  She also said that she didn't trust me and feared me -- which, ironically, I had told her after her outburst. 

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Panda39

[MyThreeDawgs]

My comments underlined, hopefully.

... .and threw things at me. A crime. It could have gone waaay wrong, hit someone in the temporal lobe and killed them. I think this is a total lack of regard for life and I can't help but wonder how close a person like this might truly be to committing something truly heinous.  Don't let her get away with that.

When I told her that we should probably put this discussion on hold, (very mature of you by the way) she told me that if I left her house, I would never see her again.  The cry of the truly desperate. Lock up her knives.

I felt scared of my mother's behavior, and am currently wary of seeing her.  She is aware of my fear and is sorry I feel that way.  (She is aware but sorry usually improves somewhere along the line.) However, she said that she will not apologize for her reaction. Big ole insincere baby.

Yesterday, two days after this incident, she told me that she wanted me to come over to join in a pot-luck dinner with her and her friends.  Ain't that just like a child? No repercussions. Lets pretend no one said anything harmful. Is it possible it is all about her having fun now? What a great exhibition of her lack of regard for others.  She said that we can just act like "friends" and have a good time.  How much did you paraphrase this, if at all? Because if you have to act like friends then I'd have to say that there is some major cray cray going on.  Furthermore, she assured me that we won't discuss any problems.  Assured or warned?

Right now I feel confused. 

On one hand I know that my mother has been very anxious lately (about her relationship between me and my wife), and it could be construed as a "step forward" if I go to her house and share a pleasant moment.

On the other hand, I still feel uncomfortable talking to my mother and am contemplating going with her to a counselor so that we can better understand and respect one another.  There is a huge section on this forum for people who did exactly like that and found if helpful.  Not. Furthermore, I don't like that my mother did not say that she will stop emotionally blackmailing him -- she did apologize to him yet she doesn't see this as an action she should correct (Great apology.) and she hates my wife -- even going so far to say that she is a sociopath and that by being with her, I act if I were best friends with Hitler. (Is it possible that you just got a great big dose or projection?)

If she were an ordinary "friend" I would not want to see this person... .save yourself.  I am right there right now and beating back a guilt I shouldn't feel.

You sure are in the right place. The folks here have many experiences.  I've watched for years now.  Hope I didn't offend. I find it hard to candy coat anymore when it comes to our health and the often obvious, easy and available yet declined choices our abusers made on a mean child's whim.

[worn_out]

Even if your mother was not BPD, she's still not your friend. She's your mom. She behaved disgracefully and now she's pretending like nothing happened. If you go to a counselor, consider going by yourself. Your mom would just hijack the therapy sessions with her drama and need for attention and it may just end up being a waste of money. But definitely go on your own to help you disengage from her toxic behavior.

[alphabeta]

Again my mother has had an emotional breakdown, in which she said multiple times that (1) I've abandoned her (because I don't want to engage in a conversation with her about certain topics like my marriage), (2) she doesn't want to see me ever again, and (3) she doesn't want to continue living and yet two days later says that I am a great guy and that she wants to go out of her way to simply give me a hug, because she's made a "revelation." 

I feel very doubtful and nervous about this -- this emotional rollercoaster makes me not want to believe her or respect her.  The only way I could believe her is to observe what she's doing over a period of months/weeks.

I also need some time to heal -- does anyone have any suggestion of how to do this?

Thanks

[Panda39]

I also need some time to heal -- does anyone have any suggestion of how to do this?

To me the formula would be to put some distance between you and your mom for a while so you can work on yourself (maybe not see her as frequently, maybe not take every phone call... .create some space for yourself)

Find yourself a good therapist who has experience with or knowledge of BPD that can help you process your relationship with your mom.

Learn some healthier coping strategies (this is where the BPD family can be really helpful  )

I'm sure others will have more ideas to add.

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

Hi Alphabet,

I’m not surprised you need time to heal, the behaviour you describe is designed to rattle you, it will drain you emotionally. So many of the techniques on this forum maybe difficult for you if you are at a low ebb.  In which case you may want to go low contact or ever no contact. You don’t have to announce it, just fade to gray. It only needs to be for as long as necessary to heal. You may also want to consider a Therapist, but I would go to you Dr first and discuss the options with them. A CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapist) Therapist is a common choice.  As children of BPD we are taught to care for our BPD emotions, so it is common for us to forget about ourselves.  You cannot help your family without helping yourself first.

It sounds like your mother is using a lot of “push and pull” with you. It’s the “I hate you, don’t leave me” approach many BPD take. They fear abandonment above all else, but they also use “treat them mean keep them keen” to get what they want. But the abandonment fear is typically their biggest.

A BPD runs off a lot of irrational fear, so there are techniques such as S.E.T. and B.I.F.F that help reduce the overreaction and anxiety within someone with BPD. The Medium chill approach is the easiest to master, here you just don’t react to any of the provocation your mother throws, by short factual responses, but do not ignore your mother. A BPD strength is emotional arguments, as they can manipulate the truth when feelings come into play, they will try and escalate things that way and avoid facts and logic.

But in summary, be good to yourself. Quick tip to the Dr, quick chat to a Therapist, won’t hurt.