I still feel the fear, the fear of her my mother borderline

[BellaL2125]

To me ... personally it's making me anxious jusr thought of her even knowing that I was talking her... See I knew growing there something grbalk ever felt was fewr however it wasn't until I think 18 perhaps that o came across this website ( see they always diagnosed with bipolar) it was hell and she did like m get much but thafs for later... i made sure she was okay, I has no idea reading that blog the king and queen would mess my head so bad bc indent know that so and
Abnormal that was all i knew still kmow.people think it's so easy to hit shut it off but they don't know what it is LIKE living with a constant fear ... you sit and wait bc u k ow there's storm coming and even don't do anything u did... they he yojX m OK be violence yes, I mean... games yes wonderful but I would never hit back she agreed that but also km 31 now... and j don't understand normal mother daughter relationship sjps ? I don't know anythjnf... so whole reading the king the queen it was keen complete copy of my LIFE it was ... it made me feel sick to stomach that egrgrkbf was a joke a lie... she never did out love was little scapegoat and irnusrb made mE open and realize holy ceao- I thought I would relief I didn't. I think maybe the alternative was better ... I have one brother one year old but D op n Hes the golden child they call it... but myain reason is I don't know how toikw...
Interactatt time I know what I learned or was molded she still plays games ___ shes didn't to i know what she's capable of- and as for my brother ? She would never get let us be close ever . Esp now... I need help to understand why I am this or how to break that fear or ... why Everytime.i am around anyone I'm not normal it seems the ( I was instructed by my father to go Captiva island where they had rwpnhou we s and keep things " in house he called it"
Meaning hwbskdn want anyone to find out god for big he left me.qirhbehr and Rao that's I knew... the worst time I guess was realizing ( I as.raled yes by my ex fiancé ) mgother of course said a rally harsh rjofn and played games like taking the doors or ( she actually told my brother and my family I made it up? ) I was in such messed place I had PTSD so bad so she BG  new for every thing - I tried to call my dad brother cousin... nothing. ( We call the situation. I can't being otnip... .My mother says I did to myself but my point is realized how sick that was that shwstuwly went to that esteem to make my brother go agaajr me and she won of course. ( And I do have faith in God and see the good maybe to kchn in people but rh birth so she could care less she uses she steals she is violent she used vlwsh shes ( I call money modes dwowninf on her (0" pill intake ) but damn they can put OK n a show... .She hates me, and loves my brother but now the games are starting again: my god.ny brother just got sadly he has melanoma stage 3... and H we s one year older than me... and he's not doing to me as odd killing me bc we were or tried to be bc of wr so close I was th vendor xxxxx I would die for my brother and my mother wfbw with his cancer ( he was engage happy... my mother I should have known she threatend her so bad his fiance.left... and blamed it on me of.cojree inknew I am so and myseld I should known - shell never.let that.kidgl but now...
We may not time for these games and km if anyone as any information.any advice of how to go about this? I love my brother eomuch and I'm.qdeaid hes going cover hedeep end... see my parents the socialites of the world , money power hryw dktn care how we feel... ? But I guess my dsd also narcissistic person ( to. much power money) his sister xxxxx died at 36. Never met her but he couldn't get along hainwon sister ... but when I was with her for years broke. Bones broke. Ribs coma, it as hell yes . I didn't care bc my brother was free. And how this? When is she let go... IUI have Tj e feeling she wont ever let me go... shes toxic but athey lways win bc i don't think that way so I am trying to understand bitnindktn think I can? I just want some peace I want tondwte or fit in with my someday boyfriend mom... and not feel like trash or the shame of what she's done... it's humialing that truly thought or say things that are not normal... please why advice?

[Kwamina]

Hi BellaL2125

I think you feeling anxious about posting is something many of our members can relate too. I am glad that you did post though as we have a lot of members with a BPD parent who know just how hard this often can be. I am sorry you had and are still having such a hard time with all of this. You mention your mother being violent, in what ways has she been violent? Is she currently still violent?

PTSD is a serious disorder that can really affect people. Did you perhaps get treatment for you PTSD? You also specifically mention your fear, not just in relation to your mother, but generally when you are around people. What goes through your mind when you experience this fear when you are around people? What is it you think you're afraid of?

I am sorry your brother is now dealing with such a serious health condition. I understand from your post that he was treated as the golden child and at some point also turned on you. How would you describe your relationship with your brother?

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